化平淡為神奇

學生寫完書面表達后往往很少考慮如何就自己的文章進行潤色。只力求語言點的完善，而對所寫的內容很少反思，哪些詞語還需要推敲，哪些表達還需要改換，哪些結構還需要調整，心中無數。其結果雖然所寫的句子無明顯的錯誤，但是文章平淡無奇，自然不能得高分。如何才能使自己的文章化平淡為神奇，通過自己多年指導學生寫好書面表達的體會，認為可以從以下幾方面對文章進行潤色。

一、推敲詞語，化淡為奇

古人云“一字之警，全句之奇;一字佳妙，全篇通靈”，詞語的運用在書面表達中起著至關重要的作用。許多學生只會使用較為平常的詞匯，有時一個詞匯甚至反復多次的使用，往往會給人以厭倦的感覺。因此學會詞語的推敲是取得高分的前提，如在文中能恰當地使用一些高級詞匯，會使閱卷教師對你的文章另眼看待。下面從一些書面表達中摘取一些加以分析和比較，以求得化淡為奇的效果。

1. We should have a good rest during the examinations， otherwise we would feel exhausted.

該句的精點之處在于exhausted一詞，大多數考生在表達時可能會使用tired，相比之下，用exhausted比tired 更為傳神，更能顯示個人的詞匯量。

2. Rubbish has been acknowledged as one of the country’s biggest environmental challenge and the ban on plastic bags is one of the solutions to the problem.

該句的亮點是acknowledged和challenge的使用，考生在表達此意思時所聯想到的往往是regarded或considered和problem，而全然不知be acknowledged as可表達“被公認為……”的含義;而用challenge代替problem表達意思更勝一籌。

3. Recycling and other factors have contributed to a serious waste of resource and serious environmental pollution as well.

該句中的神奇之處是contributed to的使用，考生往往會根據漢語提示用caused或resulted in來表達此意，換個說法，也許會得到閱卷教師的賞識，因為顯得與眾不同。

4. They think it a miserable thing to be forced to study what they have no interest in.

該句的精彩用詞是miserable，考生也許對該詞較為生疏，常常會使用painful表達此意，而用miserable則是另辟蹊徑，給人以清新的感覺。

5. On the other hand， there are an ocean of words for students to remember them all， as many students have voiced their complaint about.

該句中的兩處用詞令人拍案叫絕，一為an ocean of words;二為voiced their complaint。

前者為夸張的表現手法，后者為詞類的轉換，使voiced具有了傾吐心聲之意。兩處巧妙的用詞使人為之嘆服，不能不佩服其措詞的高超技巧，換用其他詞匯則會大為遜色。

6. Peking Opera has a long history and is abundant in traditional culture， which is beneficial to promote Chinese culture.

該句中的形容詞abundant的用法鮮明地表達了京劇的藝術魅力。用beneficial和promote更好地表明發(fā)揚此國粹的必要性。幾個詞匯的使用恰倒好處地表達了此句的意思。突出了動與靜的結合。

7. Besides， owning cars indicates the advancement of our country， and in turn， it stimulates auto industry and therefore contributes to economic development.

該句一連使用了幾個并列的動詞，indicates， stimulates， contributes to 生動地表明汽車業(yè)的迅猛發(fā)展，如果換用shows， develops， causes 相比之下就會顯得相形見絀。

8. On the whole， awareness of environment protection needs the collective efforts from the government as well as the public.

該句中的名詞awareness的使用最為典型，考生寫作往往喜歡使用動詞，而不知有時使用一些抽象名詞構成的結構做主語英文味會更濃。偶爾使用會給人以獨樹一幟的感覺。因此學生在給文章潤色時，多進行思索，使用一些獨具一格的詞匯加以表達，那么高分必定是囊中之物。

二、改換表達，提高檔次

表達某事情時，如果總是使用同一種句型，文章就顯得平淡、單調;如果適當使用不同的句型，如倒裝句、反問句、強調句型等就可大大提高文章的檔次。此外，要想吸引閱卷教師的注意，激發(fā)閱卷教師的興趣，引起閱卷教師的共鳴，在修改的過程中還應該考慮使用恰當的修辭手段，如對稱、遞進、反復等，以提高表達的效果。如:

1. He works hard. He often helps others. He is a good student. 試比較:He works hard. He often helps others. Isn’t he a good student? 比較一下，哪一種效果更好呢?

2. Other students are against the idea. They say that the Beijing Zoo was built in 1906 and has a history of 100 years.

Other students are against the idea， saying that the Beijing Zoo， built in 1906， has a history of 100 years. 該句使用saying現在分詞做伴隨狀語，built過去分詞作后置定語，避免了啰嗦與平淡，使句子簡單明了、嚴密緊湊。

3. Some students don’t realize the importance of their study; they spend too much of their time on computer games， and bring about the declines in their study.

以上的句子，從語法上看，似乎無明顯的錯誤，但從表達的效果而言，則并非理想。該句中的動詞有realize，spend，bring about。此時若將句中的動詞spend列為主要動詞，其他的動詞用從屬的形式表達，表達效果則大不一樣。如:

Some students， unaware of the importance of their study， spend too much of their time on computer games， therefore bringing about the declines in their study.

該句在表達上以動詞spend為重心，將bring about以結果狀語的形式出現，用現在分詞的形式來表達，把原句中的not realize 用形容詞unaware與介詞of 搭配表示，以主語補足語的形式出現，因此經過改寫的句子既突出了重點，也容納了其他相關信息。

4. Last week， I came back to my former school. When I entered the gate， I found her greatly changed. The paths had been widened. The playground had been enlarged， and many teaching buildings had been demolished. 該句可以改為:

Last week， I came back to my former school. When I entered the gate， I found her greatly changed， the paths widened， the playground enlarged， and many teaching buildings demolished.

此句中的幾個并列的句子用獨立主格結構的形式作解釋性狀語，依附于動詞found 之后，從而更好地區(qū)分了主次。相比之下，后一句不但結構簡潔，而且給人以排比的感覺。

5. I think the safety in school activity is very important and meaningful， and it will help to make sure that we will be safe. For example， in all kinds of sport we must pay attention to being safe. And we should pay attention to our safety both at home and out of school. When the classmates are angry with each other， we must be calm and don’t fight.

該段落雖無明顯的錯誤，但給人以松散的感覺。另外兩個pay attention to的短語重復使用，似乎顯得不太協(xié)調。整個段落顯得蒼白無力，不能激發(fā)起閱卷教師的興趣。試比較經過潤色的段落:

I consider this as indeed a good practice， which will make us aware that safety should always come first in our daily life， whether we stay at school or outside it. When we are doing sports we should attach importance to the safety and avoid being hurt. Furthermore， when we get into trouble with our classmates， we should remain calm and avoid any form of fighting， which may only bring suffering and pain to us mentally and physically.

經過潤色的段落用了兩個非限制性定語從句、兩個when 的狀語從句和whether … or的狀語從句，體現了多重復合句的有效使用。并使用副詞Furthermore連接語篇，表示遞進關系。還有動詞短語attach importance to和副詞mentally與physically的使用都堪稱亮點。與前一短相比較，無論在句法結構和遣詞造句上都更勝一籌。

三、調整結構，詳略得當

考生在確保短文正確無誤之后，還應該審查其文章結構是否合理，才能使行文自然、流暢。此點最容易為學生所忽視，因為學生往往根據所給漢語提示的順序去逐一展開，很少考慮到文章在何處應該濃裝，而在何處應該淡抹。殊不知，所給的漢語提示只能借鑒，而不應當視為按部就班的唯一途徑。在實際寫作時，考生應全盤考慮哪些內容應詳寫，哪些內容應略寫;哪些語言點屬于主，哪些語言點屬于次，只有精心調整結構、詳略得當，才能寫出令人賞心悅目的文章。下面通過一篇文章的對比來分析如何給其潤色。

Li Ming’s home happened a fire at about 10:00 last night. It was said a cigarette butt thrown by someone carelessly caused the fire. All the things in his house were burnt down， but luckily， no man got hurt.

As it hadn’t rained for a long time and the firewood piled everywhere， it was very easy to catch fire. People had already gone to bed by then. They got dressed and came out to put out the fire， because the fire had become very difficult to control.

We hope that every one of us must be careful with fire in the future.

該文主要論述了由于吸煙者亂扔煙蒂，李明家發(fā)生了一場火災的情況。文章敘述了事件的基本要點，但有兩個嚴重的錯誤;一是全文按照中文提示寫作，沒有進行結構調整，致使文章中的一些句子之間的邏輯關系錯誤;其二是某些動詞的用法有錯誤，從而導致失分。因此該文只能得15分左右。

如何給該文進行潤色，可以采用倒敘的寫作手法，先寫結果，然后寫原因和過程，最后寫從該事中吸取的教訓，這樣的過程使得文章結構合理，層次分明，條理清楚，引人入勝。如:

A great fire happened in Li Ming’s home at about 10:00 last night. Luckily， no man got hurt， though all the things in his home were burnt down.

It was said the fire was caused by a cigarette butt thrown by someone carelessly. As it hadn’t rained for a long time and the firewood was piled everywhere， it was very easy to catch fire. On the other hand， people had already gone to bed by then. When they got dressed and came out to put out the fire， the fire had become very difficult to control.

Because of our carelessness， there will be a great disaster. From this event， we can see that we should be careful with fire in the future.

經過潤色的文章無論在結構上還是在層次上都給人以不同的感受。另外還使用了一些連接詞和短語，如though， as， on the other hand， from this event等，使得文章結構緊湊。全文簡單句和復合句穿插使用，使文章跌宕起伏，充分反映了其布局謀篇的能力。

通過上述三點的論述可以看出，寫好英語的書面表達絕非是一日之功。只有通過不斷的實踐，在實踐中不斷地加以改進，才能使自己所寫的文章從平淡到神奇。

(作者:張海生，江蘇南通)