考生續(xù)寫(xiě)中語(yǔ)言層面的三個(gè)協(xié)同性問(wèn)題

萬(wàn)川

隨著讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)這一極具挑戰(zhàn)性的新題型的引入，讓許多考生感到難以適應(yīng)。本文以2021屆廣東省一模讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)題為例，對(duì)讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)中考生主要誤區(qū)以及常犯的錯(cuò)誤進(jìn)行了歸納，以期為考生備考提供參考。

一、讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)與“協(xié)同效應(yīng)”

2012?年王初明提出讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)法，通過(guò)“讀”輸入故事的情節(jié)主線(xiàn)，細(xì)節(jié)信息及文體特點(diǎn)，再通過(guò)“續(xù)寫(xiě)”，結(jié)合輸入內(nèi)容和自身理解，在保持與原文一致的情況下半開(kāi)放式的設(shè)計(jì)新的情節(jié)，產(chǎn)生協(xié)同效應(yīng)。根據(jù)協(xié)同效應(yīng)的原理，文秋芳進(jìn)一步提出，輸入促進(jìn)輸出，把輸入與輸出之間有機(jī)聯(lián)系在一起，提高學(xué)習(xí)者的輸入效能，并將輸入中獲得的信息吸收內(nèi)化，最終提高輸出的質(zhì)量。在這些讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)設(shè)計(jì)理念的背后，傳達(dá)出對(duì)續(xù)寫(xiě)部分的關(guān)鍵要求，即一定要考生在輸入階段準(zhǔn)確地把握住原文的文體風(fēng)格和基本情節(jié)走向之后，在保持整體一致的前提下續(xù)寫(xiě)原文。正如王初明所提倡的，要通過(guò)模仿不斷獲取新的語(yǔ)言知識(shí)，將內(nèi)容創(chuàng)造與語(yǔ)言模仿有機(jī)結(jié)合，強(qiáng)力打造語(yǔ)言表達(dá)能力，才能做到以讀促寫(xiě)，協(xié)同提升語(yǔ)言能力。

二、讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)文體特點(diǎn)與考生常見(jiàn)誤區(qū)

根據(jù)高考命題要求，讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)閱讀部分為350詞左右的記敘文，話(huà)題貼近考生生活，具有一定的趣味性，常以人物的經(jīng)歷或事件的發(fā)展變化為主，以敘述和描寫(xiě)為主要表達(dá)方式。這就要求，在考生續(xù)寫(xiě)的150詞左右的內(nèi)容中既要合理地?cái)⑹龉适虑楣?jié)，又要對(duì)故事中主要人物的心理活動(dòng)，動(dòng)作表情及外部環(huán)境等方面進(jìn)行生動(dòng)地描述。而后者恰恰是考生經(jīng)常忽略或者做得不夠的地方。有部分考生寫(xiě)作的內(nèi)容基本上是敘述情節(jié)，缺乏甚至沒(méi)有任何描寫(xiě)，或者有簡(jiǎn)單的描寫(xiě)但是語(yǔ)言使用不正確。造成這一情況背后的原因除了考生語(yǔ)言基礎(chǔ)之外還有考生對(duì)這一文體內(nèi)容模仿寫(xiě)作經(jīng)驗(yàn)過(guò)少，閱讀量不夠等。因此，我們?cè)谌粘Ｗx后續(xù)寫(xiě)中，要注意分析文本的語(yǔ)言風(fēng)格，并將分析結(jié)果運(yùn)用到續(xù)寫(xiě)部分，以提升我們的語(yǔ)言協(xié)同能力。

以下是2021屆廣東省一模讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)閱讀部分的內(nèi)容：

On?a?freezing?morning?of?December，?two?police?officers?were?patrolling（巡邏）the?streets.?Suddenly，?the?walkie-talkie（對(duì)講機(jī)）on?Alan，?one?of?the?officers，?rang.?“The?cake?shop?near?the?City?Museum?has?reported?a?burglary.?Please?rush?to?the?scene?immediately，”said?the?electronic?voice.

The?two?policemen?quickly?arrived?at?the?shop，?only?to?find?that?the?scene?showed?no?sign?of?crimes?at?all.?Curiously，?they?checked?the?monitor?and?found?that?a?thin?woman?broke?open?the?window?and?climbed?into?the?store?at?5∶20?a.m.?Instead?of?searching?around，?she?walked?straight?into?the?storage?room，?stole?cheese，?chocolate，?butter?and?other?ingredients（原料）for?a?cake，?and?then?ran?away?down?the?road.

Both?policemen?felt?quite?confused?about?her?behavior.?One?of?the?shop?assistants?identified?the?thief?as?Clara，?a?single?mother?who?lived?nearby.?She?has?an?eight-year-old?boy?to?take?care?of?and?lives?a?poor?life.

Moments?later，?the?two?officers?arrived?at?Claras?house.?Bob，?another?officer，?pulled?out?a?gun?and?was?about?to?break?in.?But?Alan?told?him?to?put?the?gun?away?and?knocked?gently.

The?door?opened?and?out?came?a?very?thin?woman.?From?the?outline?of?her?figure，?Alan?recognized?that?she?was?exactly?the?thief.?The?woman，?Clara，?immediately?understood?the?situation?when?she?saw?the?two?policemen.?She?buried?her?face?in?her?hands?and?sat?down?on?the?floor.

At?that?very?moment，?a?childs?voice?broke?the?silence，?“Mom，?is?anyone?coming?for?my?birthday？?Invite?them?in，?please.”

After?hearing?the?boys?words，?Clara?stood?up?and?begged?in?a?low?voice，“Officer，?I?did?steal?those?things，?but?theres?nothing?else?I?could?do.?Its?my?babys?birthday，?and?Ive?got?neither?job?nor?money.?Please?dont?take?those?things?away.?Ive?just?used?them?to?make?him?a?cake.”

Looking?into?the?womans?teary?eyes，?Alan?understood?and?walked?into?the?house.

…

Bob?nodded?thoughtfully?and?asked，“What?about?the?things?she?stole？”

…

仔細(xì)研讀文本，我們會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)，除了情節(jié)的簡(jiǎn)單敘述之外，文中重點(diǎn)角色的描寫(xiě)側(cè)重明顯，有許多生動(dòng)形象的描寫(xiě)（加粗字體部分），且多為形象具體的動(dòng)作描寫(xiě)，也有神情描寫(xiě)和簡(jiǎn)單的對(duì)話(huà)內(nèi)容，這都為續(xù)寫(xiě)的文字風(fēng)格給出了參考。

協(xié)同性問(wèn)題1：平鋪直敘，缺乏細(xì)節(jié)描述

習(xí)作1（續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段）

After?some?discussion，?the?two?officers?decided?to?temporarily?pay?off?the?lost?ingredients?for?a?cake?by?themselves.?They?came?back?to?the?cake?shop?and?brought?the?shop?assistants?some?money?and?told?them?the?money?was?Claras?and?she?was?so?sorry?because?of?her?behavior.?And?then，?Alan?and?Bob?explained?the?situation?of?Clara?to?him?and?also?described?the?beautiful?cake?Clara?made.?They?hoped?that?Clara?could?be?employed?to?earn?the?money?back...

根據(jù)文章的情節(jié)，續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段應(yīng)該續(xù)寫(xiě)兩位警官通過(guò)什么方式來(lái)幫助Clara一家妥善處理好蛋糕店失竊物品。該位考生續(xù)寫(xiě)的故事情節(jié)設(shè)計(jì)合理，也基本符合題意和正確的價(jià)值觀(guān)，但存在描寫(xiě)缺失的問(wèn)題。像這樣只是把故事像記流水賬一樣一件接一件地羅列出來(lái)，沒(méi)有任何的描寫(xiě)內(nèi)容，這與原文文體特點(diǎn)明顯不一致，所以雖然情節(jié)吻合，但是有一種貌合神離的感覺(jué)，而這也是大部分考生寫(xiě)作時(shí)的誤區(qū)。

習(xí)作2（續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段優(yōu)秀習(xí)作欣賞）

Alan?took?a?quick?glance?at?the?boy，?who?was?joyfully?eating?his?cake，?and?sighed，“It?is?best?if?we?close?the?case?in?a?different?way.”He?gestured?Clara?to?come?out?with?him?and?closed?the?door?behind?her.?Still?with?butterflies?in?her?stomach，?Clare?extended?her?hands，?ready?to?be?handcuffed（戴上手銬）.“This?is?not?necessary，”Alan?said.?He?explained?that?if?Clara?agreed?to?help?out?at?the?cake?shop?and?pay?for?the?cake，?there?is?no?need?to?arrest?her.?With?tears?sparkling（閃爍）in?her?eyes?and?a?gracious（親切的）smile?decorating?her?face，?Clara?agreed?and?bowed?deeply?to?express?her?thanks...

這篇習(xí)作在人物的外貌神態(tài)描寫(xiě)、動(dòng)作描寫(xiě)、心理描寫(xiě)等方面都很出彩，不光通過(guò)對(duì)小男孩的狀態(tài)描寫(xiě)合理地解釋了為什么Alan決定不逮捕Clara，通過(guò)一系列的動(dòng)作描寫(xiě)，表現(xiàn)出Alan對(duì)小男孩的關(guān)照（出門(mén)避開(kāi)孩子視線(xiàn)）以及Clara對(duì)自己錯(cuò)誤的認(rèn)錯(cuò)態(tài)度很好，還通過(guò)對(duì)Clara的心理描寫(xiě)和表情描寫(xiě)，體現(xiàn)出從惴惴不安到感激涕零的變化。這樣的文字與原文風(fēng)格高度吻合，且畫(huà)面感很強(qiáng)，做到了情節(jié)和寫(xiě)作風(fēng)格的高度一致。

協(xié)同性問(wèn)題2：過(guò)多對(duì)話(huà)，占據(jù)描寫(xiě)篇幅

雖然說(shuō)在閱讀原文及續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段開(kāi)頭中出現(xiàn)了對(duì)話(huà)，但是全文整體還是以非對(duì)話(huà)體占主導(dǎo)，加上讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)作為考試內(nèi)容，長(zhǎng)度有一定的局限性，如果對(duì)話(huà)寫(xiě)得太多或者太長(zhǎng)都會(huì)造成喧賓奪主，沖淡了本來(lái)需要重點(diǎn)寫(xiě)作的內(nèi)容。請(qǐng)看以下習(xí)作：

習(xí)作3（續(xù)寫(xiě)第一段）

“Hi，?little?boy，?happy?birthday！”Alan?cheered.?The?boy?was?happy?but?confused，“Sir，?why?are?you?here？”Alan?approached?the?boy，?took?a?piece?of?chocolate?cake?from?his?pocket，?and?then?gave?it?to?him.“We?are?sending?gifts?to?the?child?who?is?celebrating?his?birthday.?Happy?birthday！”Alan?smiled，“You?will?have?a?delicious?cake?from?your?mom.”After?that，?Alan?left?with?Bob?and?told?Bob，“The?mother?just?wanted?to?make?her?son?a?cake.?We?should?understand?her.”

該習(xí)作雖然有部分描寫(xiě)內(nèi)容，但是Alan說(shuō)話(huà)內(nèi)容過(guò)多，且存在重復(fù)性語(yǔ)言。特別是情節(jié)變化太快太突兀，仍然像流水賬。

習(xí)作4（續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段）

“Thats?a?problem.”Alan?answered?and?thought?for?a?while，?and?said，“I?have?an?idea.?Our?police?office?need?a?cleaner，?right？?We?can?offer?this?job?to?her.?And?then?she?could?get?money?to?pay?off?the?things?that?she?stole.?At?the?same?time，?she?could?take?care?of?her?baby?using?the?money?that?she?got.?So?she?could?not?steal?things.”“Youre?actually?killing?two?birds?with?one?stone！We?could?do?as?you?said，”?Bob?said.

該習(xí)作情節(jié)很清楚也基本上沒(méi)有問(wèn)題，但是整個(gè)段落基本沒(méi)有描寫(xiě)，且Alan一個(gè)人的話(huà)基本上占據(jù)了文章的一大半，雖然交代清楚了后面該怎么做，但是繁瑣單調(diào)，平鋪直敘，和原文文體風(fēng)格差異巨大。

協(xié)同性問(wèn)題3：增加無(wú)關(guān)人物，沖淡主要人物描寫(xiě)

本文所有出場(chǎng)人物為5人：警官Alan和Bob，偷竊蛋糕的母親Clara，小男孩（Clara的兒子）和a?shop?assistant。文中雖沒(méi)給出非常明顯的筆墨側(cè)重，但是由原文中對(duì)兩位警官到Clara家門(mén)口時(shí)的行為描述“Bob，?another?officer，?pulled?out?a?gun?and?was?about?to?break?in.?But?Alan?told?him?to?put?the?gun?away?and?knocked?gently”可知，文章走向是以Alan為中心的，Bob只是協(xié)助性角色。由于原文中小男孩過(guò)生日這一情節(jié)和他母親偷竊需要得到懲罰構(gòu)成文章的矛盾核心，需要考生合理處置，所以小男孩和Clara的情緒變化也是本段內(nèi)容的重點(diǎn)，而shop?assistant只是原文情節(jié)的過(guò)渡角色。

習(xí)作5（續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段）

“Thats?not?a?big?deal，”said?Alan，“I?will?explain?to?the?shop?assistants?and?pay?for?them.”After?arrival，?Alan?told?the?assistant?the?story?of?the?poor?lady.?He?forgave?her?and?agreed?to?send?a?big?cake?for?her?son?and?asked?her?neighbours?to?go?and?have?a?party.?When?they?arrived?at?Claras?house，?Clara?and?her?son?were?surprised.?No?one?was?happier?than?the?little?boy.?They?sang?songs，?ate?cake?and?had?a?good?time.?They?felt?warm?in?spite?of?the?freezing?day?for?peoples?kindness.

該習(xí)作中把shop?assistant這個(gè)角色描寫(xiě)過(guò)度，安排來(lái)到Clara家，又是送禮物，又是邀請(qǐng)鄰居一起幫助慶祝生日等等，導(dǎo)致主要角色的戲份被淡化甚至被忽視了。且不說(shuō)情節(jié)是否合情合理，按這個(gè)思路寫(xiě)的考生，對(duì)文章的解讀不到位，寫(xiě)作內(nèi)容自然會(huì)出現(xiàn)與原文不一致的情況。

讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)不僅要重視情節(jié)上的一致性和連貫性，還應(yīng)當(dāng)注意語(yǔ)言上的協(xié)同性，保證續(xù)寫(xiě)內(nèi)容與原文語(yǔ)言風(fēng)格、形式和側(cè)重點(diǎn)的一致性，只有這樣才能實(shí)現(xiàn)語(yǔ)言協(xié)同，“以讀促寫(xiě)”的初衷。

責(zé)任編輯 蔣小青