留學(xué)文書寫作方法之避免空話連篇

谷約

什么是空話？一般認為，說了等于白說的話，就是空話。在很多情況下，套話、大話和假話也屬于空話的范疇。相信大家看了以下幾個例句后會更容易理解何為空話。

1. Im eager to enrich my knowledge and experience through study at your esteemed university. （我想通過到貴校學(xué)習(xí)來豐富自己的知識和見識。）

評析：人們?nèi)ゴ髮W(xué)學(xué)習(xí)的目的之一都是豐富自己的知識和見識。這句話的空泛程度不亞于“我拿著電影票到電影院看電影”。另外，申請者切忌在留學(xué)文書中使用your esteemed university之類的敬語表述，同時也不要頻繁變換人稱或視角（point of view），不能一會兒用I，一會兒用you，一會兒又用學(xué)校名稱。留學(xué)文書一般采用第一人稱或第三人稱來寫，千萬不要半路殺出第二人稱your esteemed university。

2. UCLA has outstanding professors， students with extraordinary backgrounds， a beautiful campus， and rich library resources. （加州大學(xué)洛杉磯分校有頂尖的教授以及背景出眾的同學(xué)，有美麗的校園和豐富的藏書。）

評析：在這句話中，申請者只是籠統(tǒng)地寫出了名校都具有的特點，并沒有說出UCLA的獨特之處。這樣的話語和your esteemed university等表述一樣，恰恰反映了申請者對該校缺乏了解，只能用空話來充數(shù)。

3. I was class monitor for three years. （我當(dāng)了三年班長。）

評析：不能只籠統(tǒng)地寫當(dāng)了幾年班長，申請者要把當(dāng)班長具體做了些什么事、為什么做這些事、做這些事的意義何在等等也寫出來。

4. I finished reading the original English version of Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith while I was still a junior middle school student. （我初中就讀完了亞當(dāng)·斯密的《國富論》英文版。）

評析：申請者不能只寫自己讀完了什么書，關(guān)鍵是要寫出一些與此行動相關(guān)的內(nèi)容，比如你讀完《國富論》后受到什么啟發(fā)？你是否同意亞當(dāng)·斯密的觀點？一般初中生不會對經(jīng)濟學(xué)家的論著感興趣，你為什么會感興趣，是什么促使你去讀這本書的？這本書和你想申請的專業(yè)之間有什么關(guān)系？這本書里有沒有什么內(nèi)容你還沒有讀懂？只有涉及這些方方面面的內(nèi)容，申請者讀《國富論》這一事件才算有意義。

和筆者所舉的這些句子類似的空話在很多學(xué)生的留學(xué)申請文書中俯拾皆是。造成這種現(xiàn)象的主要原因是申請者的思維不夠活躍，思考問題的角度單一化，思考方式程式化，思想缺乏深度。其實，很多申請者自己意識到了這個問題，也想讓所寫的內(nèi)容充實、豐富一些，但總覺得無話可說。解決方案其實很簡單，請大家思考：空話的反義詞是什么？對，是有實質(zhì)內(nèi)容的話。那么，什么是有實質(zhì)內(nèi)容的話呢？實際上就是按照空話表達的意思，添加例證和細節(jié)，把內(nèi)容寫細、寫實、寫精、寫透。

案例分析

下面我們通過兩個案例來具體談?wù)勗谖臅鴮懽髦性撊绾巫龅桨咽录懠?、寫透，從而避免千篇一律，空話連篇。

文書案例1

B同學(xué)想申請去密歇根大學(xué)的生物系讀本科。該大學(xué)要求申請者就如下問題寫一篇文章：“Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School （including preferred admission and dual degree programs） to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests？ （500 words maximum）”

該申請者對生物醫(yī)學(xué)，尤其是對干細胞研究很感興趣，而密歇根大學(xué)的生物學(xué)（包括干細胞研究和臨床治療）研究在該領(lǐng)域中是數(shù)一數(shù)二的。但是申請者提供的文書初稿寫得并不理想，文章中有一大堆空話和套話。針對文書中存在的問題，我們和她進行了溝通和交流，提出了合理的寫作建議，最后寫出的文章令人滿意。例文如下：

In 2007， an accident during practice left Chinese National team volleyball player Tang Miao paralyzed （癱瘓的） from the chest down. Before the tragic event， Tang was considered by many fans to be the tallest， most handsome， and best power opposite hitter （接應(yīng)二傳） on the volleyball court that China had ever produced. He was at that time married to Zhou Suhong， also a star volleyball player and an Olympic gold medalist. The couple was well known not just in China but worldwide in the volleyball community.

Five years have passed， and Tang is still in wheelchair. He and many other patients suffering from spinal cord （脊髓） injuries in China are waiting and hoping against hope that they will be accepted by American medical institutions currently in clinical trial stages using human neural stem cells （干細胞） to treat central nervous systems disorders including paralysis. There has been encouraging news that a small number of patients have restored some motor and sensory functions after such treatments.

評析：開頭兩段講述了排球名將湯淼脊椎受傷癱瘓的不幸遭遇，從而引出了干細胞研究的重要性，為下文表達自己想學(xué)生物醫(yī)學(xué)、想為湯淼做一些事做了鋪墊。

I have been following Tangs news as well as news coming from Europe and the United States in regards to the latest developments in medical research and biotechnology in treating what have historically been untreatable diseases and disorders. By all accounts， the University of Michigan is a leader in three main types of stem cell research： embryonic （胚胎的）， adult， and reprogrammed cells known as iPS cells （誘導(dǎo)多能干細胞）. I learned that it is at the University of Michigan that scientists are discovering more accurate biomarkers （生物標(biāo)志物） for prostate （前列腺的） cancer； testing artificial tissue， organs， and bone； and creating a “l(fā)ung-on-a-chip” （芯片上的肺） that allows researchers to grow lung airway cells that act like they are in a human body instead of a Petri dish （皮氏培養(yǎng)皿）. That is why the U.S. News & World Report consistently ranks the University of Michigan Health System and its medical school among the very best in the United States—and why the National Institutes of Health consistently rewards University of Michigan researchers with grants to fund their investigations. Through my interaction with friends who have ties with Ann Arbor （密歇根大學(xué)所在城市） and through extensive online research， I have also gotten a good impression of the University of Michigan campus as a whole as well as the numerous state-of-the-art （尖端水平的） research facilities and resources that are easily available and accessible. My favorite Michigan alum and Nobel Laureate physicist， Professor Samuel C.C. Ting （丁肇中）， happens to be a Chinese-American. He is my hero and my inspiration. It would be an honor to be associated with this great institution.

評析：這一段是主體段，具體回答了文書要求中的“the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School”。通過湯淼的病情引出了密歇根大學(xué)在干細胞研究方面的優(yōu)勢，而且寫得很細、很透：“embryonic， adult， and reprogrammed cells known as iPS cells”，這樣就成功避免了寫“貴校的專業(yè)排名全球第一”這樣的空話。之后，申請者又寫到密歇根大學(xué)在其他相關(guān)領(lǐng)域的最新成就，以及自己如何受朋友和偶像丁肇中教授的影響，可謂層次分明，逐次遞進，環(huán)環(huán)相扣。文章既有客觀事實，又表達了自己的感受和想法。給讀者的印象是，這位申請者不僅有專業(yè)追求，而且對申請的大學(xué)做了極為詳細的了解。申請者具體寫出密歇根大學(xué)在哪些方面，尤其是在干細胞及其他生物醫(yī)學(xué)方面有哪些成就是吸引學(xué)生的，又為下文申請者申請讀密歇根大學(xué)生物醫(yī)學(xué)專業(yè)的動機做了鋪墊。

Mr. Tang does not know me， but I am sure he will be happy to know that I am not just a fan， but someone who is interested in stem cell research and in finding a solution to improve his quality of life and hopefully help him walk again.

評析：在上面一段具體列舉密歇根大學(xué)的優(yōu)勢之后，這一段再次引出自己申請生物醫(yī)學(xué)專業(yè)的動機，結(jié)尾處的help him walk again與第一段首尾呼應(yīng)，完美收筆。

文書案例2

申請者F想到美國學(xué)數(shù)學(xué)專業(yè)。在他提供的申請文書中，有一段描寫了他在學(xué)校辦雜志的事情，但卻沒有把他對數(shù)字的敏感度體現(xiàn)出來，而且在該段中他寫了一句：“To my surprise， our magazine received unparalleled welcome.”這句話中的unparalleled welcome既空洞又夸張。下文即該段的原文，筆者在表述有問題的地方加了下劃線，并在括號里指出了問題所在。

In the second year of high school， with several classmates （多少同學(xué)？）， I established a magazine （是月刊還是季刊？讀者對象是誰？） called the Fresh Breath. As the chief editor， my first job was to be the headhunter， which was an energy-consuming work that required a well-established interpersonal network and sound negotiating skills. I visited all the potential candidates （什么候選人？招人來做什么工作？） in their classrooms and persuaded them one by one by saying that doing a magazine was good for their extracurricular experiences. I also had to raise money for our project. We three founders took advantage of our interpersonal network to find the perfect sponsors. With enough money and signed advertisement contracts （籌到多少款？）， our first issue was on-the-go. To my surprise， our magazine received unparalleled welcome （怎么量化“前所未有的受歡迎”？）. Seeing that all the copies were sold out （賣掉多少份？） I realized all our efforts paid off.

經(jīng)過與申請者溝通，我們提醒他：既然你想學(xué)數(shù)學(xué)，那就從數(shù)字角度切入——你為辦雜志招來多少幫手，經(jīng)費是怎樣籌集的，籌了多少錢，第一期雜志印了多少份，等等。簡而言之，申請者要把所要介紹的事件寫細、寫實、寫精、寫透。下面是申請者聽了建議后修改的例文。

In my sophomore year of high school， with the help of three classmates， I created Fresh Breath， a quarterly magazine for circulation at the school. As the chief editor， my first mission was to conduct a school-wide search for people to serve as editors， column writers， guest writers， and typesetters （排字工人）. After much negotiation and persuasion， I had a talented team in place. Then， I assigned them to different positions according to their different abilities. Finally， I raised about 1，800 yuan （about $300） through private gifts and advertising fees； enough to get the project going. The first issue of Fresh Breath sold 120 copies among students， teachers， and parents： not bad for a green hand.

評析：文中畫波浪線部分的單詞即申請者加上的相關(guān)數(shù)字和具體細節(jié)。在溝通時，當(dāng)申請者把與辦雜志相關(guān)的數(shù)字一五一十地說出來時，他擔(dān)心120份的銷售量會不會讓人覺得太少了。筆者告訴他，120份不算多，但比起unparalleled welcome這樣的表達要好得多。