二十不努力，三十徒傷悲

When I was in my 20s， I saw my very first 1）psychotherapy client. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex. Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big 2）slouchy top， and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this， I was so relieved. My classmate got an 3）arsonist for her first client. And I got a twenty-something who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle.

But I didn’t handle it. “Thirty’s the new 20，” Alex would say， and as far as I could tell， she was right. Work happened later， marriage happened later， kids happened later， even death happened later.

But before long， my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back.

I said， “Sure， she’s dating down， but it’s not like she’s gonna marry the guy.”

And then my supervisor said， “Not yet， but she might marry the next one. Besides， the best time to work on Alex’s marriage is before she has one.”

That’s what psychologists call an “Aha！”moment. That was the moment I realized， 30 is not the new 20.

There are 50 million twenty-somethings in the United States right now. We’re talking about 15 percent of the population， or 100 percent if you consider that no one’s getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

So I specialize in twenty-somethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twenty-somethings deserves to know what psychologists， sociologists， 4）neurologists and 5）fertility specialists already know： that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest， yet most 6）transformative， things you can do for work， for love， for your happiness， maybe even for the world.

But this isn’t what twenty-somethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. As a culture， we have 7）trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

But then it starts to sound like this： “My 20s are almost over， and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college.”

And then it starts to sound like this： “Dating in my 20s was like 8）musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun， but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn’t want to be the only one left standing up， so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30.”

Where are the twenty-somethings here？ Do not do that.

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn’t buying a red sports car. It’s realizing you can’t have that career you now want. It’s realizing you can’t have that child you now want， or you can’t give your child a sibling. Too many thirty-somethings and forty-somethings look at themselves， and at me， sitting across the room， and say about their 20s， “What was I doing？ What was I thinking？”

I want to change what twenty-somethings are doing and thinking.

Here’s a story about how that can go. It’s a story about a woman named Emma. At 25， Emma came to my office because she was， in her words， having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment， but she hadn’t decided yet， so she’d spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper， she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were， her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions， but then would collect herself by saying， “You can’t pick your family， but you can pick your friends.”

Well one day， Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap， and she sobbed for most of the hour. She’d just bought a new address book， and she’d spent the morning filling in her many contacts， but then she’d been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words“In case of emergency， please call...” She was nearly 9）hysterical when she looked at me and said， “Who’s gonna be there for me if I get in a car wreck？ Who’s gonna take care of me if I have cancer？”

So over the next weeks and months， I told Emma three things that every twentysomething， male or female， deserves to hear.

First， I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By get identity capital， I mean do something that adds value to who you are. So now is the time for that cross-country job， that internship， that startup you want to try. I’m not discounting twenty-something exploration here， but I am discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count， which， by the way， is not exploration. That’s 10）procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

Second， I told Emma that the 11）urban tribe is overrated. That new piece of capital， that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties， our friends of friends of friends. So yes， half of twenty-somethings are unor under-employed. But half aren’t， and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted， so reaching out to your neighbor’s boss is how you get that un-posted job. It’s not cheating. It’s the science of how information spreads.

Last but not least， Emma believed that you can’t pick your family， but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up， but as a twenty-something， soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one， and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want， rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.

So what happened to Emma？ Well， we went through that address book， and she found an old roommate’s cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now， five years later， she’s a special events planner for museums. She’s married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career， she loves her new family， and she sent me a card that said， “Now the emergency contact blanks don’t seem big enough.”

So here’s an idea worth spreading to every twenty-something you know. It’s what I now have the 12）privilege of saying to twenty-somethings like Emma every single day： Thirty is not the new 20， so claim your adulthood， get some identity capital， use your weak ties， pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.

當(dāng)我二十多歲時，我見到了我的首位來做心理治療的病人。她是一位叫亞歷克斯的26歲女性。第一次會診時，亞歷克斯穿了牛仔褲和一件寬大松垮的上衣，進(jìn)來后一屁股坐到我辦公室中的沙發(fā)上，踢掉她的平底鞋，然后跟我說，她是來跟我談男友問題的。當(dāng)我聽到這個時，我松了一口氣。我一同學(xué)遇到的第一個病人就是個縱火犯。而我的是一位二十幾歲、想跟我談?wù)勀猩牟∪?。我覺得自己能處理好這病案。

但我沒做到?！?0就是新的20”，亞歷克斯會這么說，而且就我所知，她是對的。工作靠后，婚姻靠后， 孩子靠后，就連死也靠后了。

但沒過多久，我的導(dǎo)師就督促我，讓我向亞歷克斯的愛情生活施力規(guī)勸。我回絕了。

我說：“沒錯，她在和一個很差勁的人交往，但這并不表示她會和他結(jié)婚?！?/p>

然后我的導(dǎo)師說：“現(xiàn)在還沒，但她可能會和下一個這樣的人結(jié)婚。再說，在亞歷克斯的婚事上花費(fèi)精力的最佳時機(jī)就是在她結(jié)婚之前?！?/p>

這就是心理學(xué)家們所說的“頓悟時刻”。在那一刻，我明白到，30歲并不是新的20歲。

現(xiàn)在美國大約有五千萬二十多歲的人。這大概就是總?cè)丝诘?5%，或者說是100%——如果你考慮到?jīng)]有人會不先經(jīng)歷二十多歲這個階段而直接步入成年期的話。

所以，我專門研究二十多歲的人，因?yàn)槲蚁嘈胚@五千萬個二十多歲的人中每一個都應(yīng)該知道心理學(xué)家、社會學(xué)家、神經(jīng)學(xué)家以及生育專家們都已然了解的事實(shí)：那就是把握住你二十多歲的時光是你能為自己的職業(yè)、愛情、幸福，甚至是為世界所能做的最簡單的，但又是最有影響力的事。

但這并不是二十多歲的人現(xiàn)時聽到的箴言。報(bào)紙?jiān)诿枋龀赡昶跁r間表的變更。研究人員把二十多歲稱為青春期的延展。作為一種文化，我們把實(shí)際上是成年期中具決定意義的十年給弱化忽略了。

但后來大家就開始講：“我的二三十歲時期快結(jié)束了，但我沒什么可以拿得出手來表現(xiàn)自己的。我畢業(yè)那天的簡歷都比現(xiàn)在好。”

之后大家開始講： “二十多歲時的約會就像玩搶座位游戲。大家跑來跑去，不亦樂乎，但到了三十歲左右，感覺就像音樂停掉了，大家開始坐了下來。我不想成為那個唯一站著的人，因此有時候，我覺得自己和丈夫結(jié)婚，是因?yàn)樗褪俏胰畾q時離我最近的‘椅子’?！?/p>

這里的二十多歲的年輕人在哪兒？別做那樣的事。

在如今這個千禧年后的新時代，中年危機(jī)不是突然跑去買一輛紅色跑車的行徑。而是意識到自己無法擁有自己如今想要的職業(yè)，意識到無法生一個如今你想要的孩子，或者無法給自己的孩子添一個兄弟姐妹。有太多太多的三十多、四十多歲的人先看看自己，然后看看坐在房間另一邊的我，說起他們二十多歲的人生時期?！拔耶?dāng)時在干什么？我當(dāng)時在想什么？”

我想改變現(xiàn)時二十多歲的人的想法和做法。

以下是一個關(guān)于如何付諸實(shí)踐的故事。這是艾瑪?shù)墓适隆?5歲時，艾瑪走進(jìn)我的辦公室，因?yàn)?，用她的話來講，她正在經(jīng)歷一場身份危機(jī)。她說她覺得自己想從事藝術(shù)或者娛樂方面的工作，但她還沒決定，所以過去幾年她把時間花在端盤子上了。想著節(jié)省生活費(fèi)，她便和她那脾氣比志向大的男友住在了一起。而無論她的二十多歲時期有多難，她以前的生活更艱難。她常在我們診療會面時哭，但之后會說這樣的話自我振作：“你無法選擇自己的家庭，但你能選擇自己的朋友?！?/p>

有一天，艾瑪走進(jìn)來，把頭埋在膝蓋上，然后哭了近一個小時。她剛買了一個新的地址薄，然后她花了一個上午填她的聯(lián)系人，接著盯住“在緊急情況下，請撥打……”這一串字后面的空白欄，她只有怔怔發(fā)呆。她近乎歇斯底里地看著我并說道：“如果我出車禍了誰會在我身邊？如果我得了癌癥，誰會來照顧我？”

所以在接下來的幾周和幾個月中，我跟艾瑪說了三點(diǎn)——那是每個二十多歲的人，不論男女，都應(yīng)該聽到的。

首先，我告訴艾瑪忘掉她的身份危機(jī)，然后開始積累身份資本。我所說的“積累身份資本”是指為自身增加價值。所以，現(xiàn)在是時候要開始那份跨國工作、那份實(shí)習(xí)工作，以及開始你想做的嘗試了。我這么說并不是輕視二十多歲的人的探索，但是我輕視那些無實(shí)質(zhì)意義的探索，而且，順便說一句，那不能叫探索。那叫拖延時間。我叫艾瑪試驗(yàn)各種工作，而且實(shí)實(shí)在在地干。

其次，我告訴艾瑪都市小眾族群被高估了。那個新的資本，那個新的可以約會的人幾乎總是來自小圈子之外。新的事物來自于我們所謂的“弱連接”之中，比如我們的朋友的朋友的朋友。沒錯，大概有一半二十多歲的人未就業(yè)或者未充分就業(yè)。但有一半?yún)s并非如此，而弱連接就是把你自己引到那一個團(tuán)體當(dāng)中的方式。有一半的新職位是沒有被張貼出來的，所以聯(lián)系到你鄰居的老板就是你拿到那份未被張貼的工作的方法。這不是走后門。這是關(guān)于信息傳遞的科學(xué)。

最后，但并非最為次要的一點(diǎn)是，艾瑪相信一個人不能選擇自己的家庭，但可以選擇自己的朋友。在她的成長歷程中這并沒錯，但作為一個二十多歲的人，艾瑪很快就要選擇自己的家庭：和某人結(jié)伴，建立自己的家庭。我告訴艾瑪開始選擇家庭的時間就是現(xiàn)在。在婚姻上努力的最佳時機(jī)是結(jié)婚之前，意思就是對待愛情就要像對待工作一樣用心。選擇家庭就是有意識地選擇你想要的人和物，而不是單單得過且過或者和選擇你的隨便哪個人消磨時間。

那艾瑪后來怎么樣呢？嗯，我們翻了翻那個地址薄，然后發(fā)現(xiàn)她以前一個室友的表親在另一個州的某家藝術(shù)博物館工作。那個弱連接幫她在那里找到一份工作。那份工作給了她離開同居男友的理由?，F(xiàn)在，五年過去了，她是一名博物館特殊活動策劃。她和細(xì)心選擇的人結(jié)了婚。她愛自己的新職業(yè)、新家庭，她還給我寄了一張寫著“現(xiàn)在緊急聯(lián)系人一欄的空白似乎不夠大了”的卡片。

因此，這里給出的是一個想法，值得向你認(rèn)識的每個二十多歲的人傳播。那就是現(xiàn)在我有權(quán)每天都對像艾瑪那樣的二十多歲的人所說的話：30歲不是新的20歲，所以把握好你的成年期，積累一些身份資本，利用你的弱連接，并且選擇好你的家庭。不要被你以前不知曉或者沒做過的事定義?，F(xiàn)在，你就在決定你的人生。