少有人走的路

《少有人走的路》最早出版于1978年，堪稱“奇書”。作為一本心理學(xué)著作，它出版后并未做任何宣傳，卻經(jīng)口口相傳，成為出版史上的一大奇跡。它在美國(guó)《紐約時(shí)報(bào)》暢銷書榜上熱賣近二十年，被譯為二十多種語(yǔ)言銷往全世界。

本書作者M(jìn)·斯科特·派克（1936—2005），是一位杰出的心理醫(yī)生。兒時(shí)，他就以“童言無(wú)忌”遠(yuǎn)近聞名；少時(shí)，他又勇敢地放棄了父母為他安排的輝煌前程，毅然選擇了自己的人生道路，最終當(dāng)上了一名心理醫(yī)生。他曾在美軍日本沖繩基地?fù)?dān)任心理醫(yī)生，在近二十年的職業(yè)生涯中，他治愈了成千上萬(wàn)個(gè)病人，《少有人走的路》就是以其從業(yè)經(jīng)驗(yàn)為基礎(chǔ)而寫成的。

本書以溝通與理解為基調(diào)，跨越時(shí)代，幫助我們探索愛的本質(zhì)，幫助我們學(xué)習(xí)愛，也學(xué)習(xí)獨(dú)立，指導(dǎo)我們找到真正的自我，引導(dǎo)我們過上嶄新、寧?kù)o而豐富的生活。

幾年前，當(dāng)小編看到這本書時(shí)，很有一種相見恨晚的感覺。因?yàn)闀兴龅脑S多問題，恰恰正是我們普羅大眾在成長(zhǎng)過程中會(huì)遇到或者正要經(jīng)歷的種種，如果有幸早早遇見這么一本書，那么曾經(jīng)的那些“天大的問題”或許早早就能迎刃而解了。

書中主旨：人生苦難重重，人生是一場(chǎng)艱辛之旅，心智成熟的旅程注定漫長(zhǎng)而曲折。對(duì)于絕大多數(shù)人來(lái)說(shuō)，心智不成熟正是諸多心理問題的癥結(jié)所在。厭學(xué)、早戀、憂郁、厭世、啃老、不婚……越來(lái)越多年輕人顯得無(wú)法適應(yīng)社會(huì)，卻又找不到鉆出“牛角尖”的方法。如果不想成為下一個(gè)“問題青年”，或許這本書能帶給你一些有益的建議。

The Risk of Independence

All life itself represents a risk， and the more lovingly we live our lives the more risks we take. Of the thousands， maybe even millions， of risks we can take in a lifetime the greatest is the risk of growing up. Growing up is the act of stepping from childhood into adulthood. Actually， it is more of a fearful leap than a step， a leap that many people never really take in their lifetimes. Though they may outwardly appear to be adults， even successful adults， perhaps the majority of “grown-ups” remain， until their death， psychological children， who have never truly separated themselves from their parents and the power that their parents have over them.

Perhaps because it was so 1）poignantly personal to me， I feel I can best illustrate the essence of growing up and the enormity of the risk involved， by describing the giant step I myself took into adulthood at the end of my fifteenth year—fortunately very early in life.

At the age of thirteen I was sent away to Phillips Exeter Academy， a boy’s preparatory school of the very highest reputation. I knew that I was fortunate to be going there， because attendance at Exeter was part of a well-defined pattern that would lead me to one of the best Ivy League colleges， and from there into the highest 2）echelons of the 3）Establishment， whose doors would be wide open to me on account of my educational background. The only problem was that almost immediately after starting Exeter I became miserably unhappy. I just did not seem to fit in. I didn’t seem to fit with the faculty， the students， the courses， the architecture， the social life， the total environment. Yet there seemed nothing to do other than to try to make the best of it， and try to mold my imperfections. And try I did， for two and a half years. Yet my daily life appeared more meaningless and I felt more wretched than ever. The last year I did little but sleep， for only in sleep could I find any comfort. In retrospect， I think perhaps， in my sleep， I was resting and unconsciously preparing myself for the leap I was about to take.

I took it when I returned home for spring vacation of my third year， and announced that I was not going to return to school. My father said， “But you can’t quit！ It’s the best education money can buy. Don’t you realize what you’d be throwing away？” “I don’t know，” I answered， feeling totally 4）inadequate. “I don’t even know why I hate it so. But I hate it and I’m not going back. ” “Well， what are you going to do， then？ Since you seem to want to play so loose with your future， just what is it you plan to do？ ”Again， I miserably replied， “I don’t know. All I know is I’m not going back there. ”

My parents were understandably alarmed and took me forthwith to a 5）psychiatrist， who stated that I was depressed and recommended a month’s 6）hospitalization， giving me a day to decide whether or not this was what I wanted. That night was the only time I ever considered suicide. I knew that my difficulty in adjusting was entirely my fault， and I felt totally inadequate， 7）incompetent and worthless.Worse， I believed that I was probably insane. My father said， “You must be crazy to throw away such a good education”？ And if I returned to Exeter I would be returning to all that was safe， secure， right， proper， constructive， proven and known. Yet it was not me. In the depths of my being I knew it was not my path.

But what was my path？ I was terrified. And just then， at the moment of my greatest despair， from my unconscious， there came a sequence of words， like a strange 8）disembodied oracle， a voice that was not mine： “The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity.” Even if it meant being crazy and out of step with all that seemed holy， I had decided to be me. I rested. In the morning， I went to see the psychiatrist again. I told him that I would never return to Exeter， but that I was ready to enter his hospital. I had taken the leap into the unknown. I had taken my destiny into my own hands.

The process of growing up usually occurs very gradually， with many little leaps into the unknown， like when an eight-year-old boy first takes the risk of riding his bike down to the country store all by himself， or when a fifteenyear-old goes out on his or her first date. If you doubt that these represent real risks， then you simply can’t remember the anxiety involved. If you observe even the healthiest of children you will see not only an eagerness to risk new and adult activities but also， side by side，a 9）reluctance， a shrinking back， clinging to the safe and familiar， while holding onto dependency and childhood. Moreover， on more or less subtle levels， you can find this same 10）ambivalence in an adult， including yourself， with the elderly， in particular， tending to cling to the old， known and familiar.

While such great leaps are most commonly made during 11）adolescence， they can be made at any age. A thirty-five-year old mother of three， married to a controlling， 12）stultifying， inflexible， 13）chauvinistic husband， gradually and painfully comes to realize that her dependency on him， and their entire marriage， is a living death. He blocks all her attempts to change the nature of their relationship. With incredible bravery she divorces him， sustaining the burden of his 14）recriminations and the criticism of neighbors， and risks an unknown future alone with her children， but free for the first time in her life to be her own person.

Depressed， following a heart attack， a fifty-two year-old businessman looks back on his life， on his frantic ambition to constantly make more money and rise ever higher in the corporate 15）hierarchy， and finds it meaningless. After much reflection， he realizes that he has been driven by a need for approval， from a 16）domineering， constantly critical mother； he has almost worked himself to death to be finally seen as successful in her eyes. Risking and transcending her disapproval for the first time in his life， as well as braving the ire of his highliving wife and children， who are reluctant to give up their expensive lifestyle， he moves to the country and opens up a little shop， where he happily restores 17）antique furniture.

Such major changes， such leaps into independence and self-determination， are enormously painful at any age and require supreme courage， yet they are not infrequent results of 18）psychotherapy.

But what has this business of growing up to do with love？ First of all， the examples of the changes described， and other such changes， are all acts of self-love. It is precisely because I valued myself that I was unwilling to remain miserable in a school， and whole social environment， that never fit my needs. It is because the housewife had regard for herself that she refused to tolerate a marriage that limited her freedom and repressed her personality. It is because the businessman cared for himself that he was no longer willing to nearly kill himself， in an effort to meet the expectations of his mother.

獨(dú)立的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)

人生本身就是一種冒險(xiǎn)。人生路上，你投入的愛越多，經(jīng)受的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)也就越多。我們一生要經(jīng)歷數(shù)以千計(jì)乃至百萬(wàn)計(jì)的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)，而最大的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)就是成長(zhǎng)，也就是走出童年，邁入成年的那一步。事實(shí)上，這更應(yīng)該說(shuō)是一次驚人的跨越，而不是隨意邁出的一小步。這種人生跨越很多人一生都未能真正實(shí)現(xiàn)。盡管他們貌似成人，甚至小有成就，但直到壽終正寢，大部分“成年人”依然心智尚未成熟，他們其實(shí)從未真正擺脫父母的影響，從未擺脫父母的陰影，獲得真正的獨(dú)立。

可能因?yàn)檫@種體驗(yàn)對(duì)我而言有著切膚之痛，我覺得我能最好地闡明成長(zhǎng)的本質(zhì)，以及其中蘊(yùn)含的極大風(fēng)險(xiǎn)。我要描述的是在我將滿十六歲時(shí)，我向成年邁出的一大步——很幸運(yùn)的是，一切發(fā)生得很早。

十三歲時(shí)，我被送往菲利普斯·埃克塞特中學(xué)讀書，這是一所聲望極高的男子預(yù)科中學(xué)。我知道自己能上這所學(xué)校很幸運(yùn)，因?yàn)槿胱x?？巳乜芍^是我人生的“康莊大道”的一部分，這條路會(huì)引領(lǐng)我走進(jìn)其中一所常春藤名校，而后步入社會(huì)精英階層。擁有這所明星中學(xué)的教育背景，上流之門就會(huì)為我大開。但唯一的問題是，我一進(jìn)入?？巳兀土⒖套兊糜粲艄褮g。我就是覺得與那里格格不入。那里的老師、同學(xué)、課程、建筑、社交乃至整個(gè)環(huán)境，都讓我難以適應(yīng)。而似乎除了努力學(xué)習(xí)，改善自身的不足，我沒有任何選擇。我努力過，用了兩年半的時(shí)間，但我的日常生活似乎顯得更加毫無(wú)意義，而我的情緒也更是前所未有地消沉。最后一年，除了睡覺，我?guī)缀跏裁匆矝]做，因?yàn)橹挥兴X，我才會(huì)感受到一絲舒適感?，F(xiàn)在回想起來(lái)，我覺得可能在沉睡時(shí)，我在歇息，在潛意識(shí)中為即將邁出的跨越做著準(zhǔn)備。

在三年級(jí)的春假，我邁出了這一跨越。我一回到家，就向父母宣布我不打算再回那所學(xué)校了。父親說(shuō)：“但你不能半途而廢啊！這是花錢能換來(lái)的最好的教育了。你不明白自己放棄的是什么嗎？”“我不知道，”我回答說(shuō)，覺得自己毫無(wú)底氣?！拔乙膊恢罏槭裁茨敲从憛捤?。但我就是討厭它，而且再也不想回去了?！薄凹热贿@樣，那你到底想干什么？你好像沒怎么把自己的將來(lái)當(dāng)回事，那你的計(jì)劃到底是什么？”再一次，我沮喪地說(shuō)：“我不知道。反正我再也不回去上學(xué)了?！?/p>

我的父母慌了起來(lái)——這并不難理解，他們立刻帶我去看心理醫(yī)生。醫(yī)生說(shuō)我患了憂郁癥，并且建議我住院治療一個(gè)月。他們給了我一天時(shí)間，讓我自行作出決定。那天晚上，我生平第一次有了輕生的念頭。我清楚自己無(wú)法適應(yīng)學(xué)校，這完全是我自己的責(zé)任，我頓時(shí)覺得自己無(wú)用、無(wú)能、一無(wú)是處。更糟糕的是，我覺得自己與瘋子無(wú)異。父親不是說(shuō)過：“你一定是瘋了才會(huì)放棄這么好的教育機(jī)會(huì)”么？要是我回到?？巳兀蜁?huì)回到安全、可靠、正常、恰當(dāng)、有建設(shè)性、被社會(huì)認(rèn)可和已知的世界。可是，那不是我。在我的內(nèi)心，我知道那不是適合我的道路。

但我的路是什么呢？我感到害怕。這時(shí)候，就在我最沮喪的時(shí)刻，仿佛神諭一般，我聽到一種聲音，一種來(lái)自潛意識(shí)深處并不屬于我的聲音：“人生惟一的安全感，來(lái)自于充分體驗(yàn)人生的不安全感。”盡管這一做法似乎離經(jīng)叛道，如同瘋子一般，但我選擇做回我自己。我安然睡去了。第二天一早，我就去見心理醫(yī)生，告訴他我再也不要回?？巳亓?，我愿意住進(jìn)精神病院。就這樣，我縱身一躍，進(jìn)入了未知的天地，將自己的命運(yùn)掌握在自己手中。

成長(zhǎng)的過程通常極為緩慢，常常伴隨著進(jìn)入未知天地的無(wú)數(shù)次小跨越，例如八歲的孩子第一次獨(dú)自騎車到鄉(xiāng)間小店買東西，又或是十五歲的孩子第一次與異性約會(huì)。如果認(rèn)為這些經(jīng)歷算不上真正的冒險(xiǎn)，那你顯然是忘記了當(dāng)初的焦慮感。要是你細(xì)心觀察，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)即使是心理最健康的孩子，他們初次步入成人世界，除了興奮和激動(dòng)，伴隨而來(lái)的還有遲疑、膽怯，他們不時(shí)想回到熟悉、安全的環(huán)境中，想做回當(dāng)初那個(gè)凡事依賴別人的幼兒。此外，或多或少在某些細(xì)微的層面上，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)成年人——包括你自己，也會(huì)經(jīng)歷類似的矛盾心理，特別是年邁的人，傾向依附老舊、已知、熟悉的事物。

盡管人生最大幅度的跳躍，大都出現(xiàn)在青春期，但實(shí)際上，這種跳躍可以在任何年齡進(jìn)行。有一位35歲的女士，是三個(gè)孩子的母親。她的丈夫獨(dú)斷專橫、無(wú)趣，以自我為中心，經(jīng)歷過長(zhǎng)時(shí)期的痛苦，她終于意識(shí)到對(duì)丈夫和婚姻過于依賴，使她過得如陷地獄。她曾想嘗試改變婚姻狀況，但其丈夫扼殺了她所有的努力。她鼓起極大的勇氣，和丈夫離婚，忍受著丈夫的指責(zé)、鄰居的批評(píng)，獨(dú)自帶著孩子，冒著風(fēng)險(xiǎn)，走向不可預(yù)知的未來(lái)，人生中第一次不受束縛地成為她自己。

還有一位52歲的企業(yè)家，經(jīng)歷過心臟病發(fā)后，情緒消沉，他回顧自己追名逐利的一生，覺得那一切毫無(wú)意義。經(jīng)過多番思索，他意識(shí)到長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)，他所做的一切，無(wú)不是為了取悅他那專制又挑剔的母親。他一生拼命苦干，只為最終達(dá)成母親眼中成功的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。他生平第一次冒險(xiǎn)抗拒母親的心意，也不顧不愿放棄優(yōu)越生活的妻兒的反對(duì)，歡歡喜喜地搬到鄉(xiāng)下，開了家修復(fù)古董家具的小店。

這樣重大的改變，這種步入獨(dú)立自主的跨越，無(wú)論對(duì)于哪個(gè)年紀(jì)來(lái)說(shuō)都是極為痛苦的，而且需要極大的勇氣，然而這些例子在接受心理治療后的案例里并不少見。

然而這些成長(zhǎng)的問題與愛又有何關(guān)系呢？首先，上面談到的所有關(guān)于改變的事例，以及其他類似的改變，都是自愛的表現(xiàn)。正是因?yàn)槲艺渲刈约海挪辉傅眠^且過，可憐巴巴地留在學(xué)校，留在整個(gè)永遠(yuǎn)不適合我的社會(huì)環(huán)境中。正因?yàn)榧彝ブ鲖D珍愛自己，才拒絕忍受限制自由、壓抑人性的婚姻。正因?yàn)槠髽I(yè)家懂得珍視自己，才不愿如過去那樣，盡力滿足母親的期望，幾近自殺。

Second， not only does love for oneself provide the motive for such major changes； it also gives us the courage to take the risk. Because my parents clearly loved and valued me as a young child， I felt sufficiently secure in myself to defy their expectations and radically depart from the pattern they had laid out for me. In daring to be different， even if it meant being crazy， I was responding to earlier loving messages from my parents， hundreds of them， which said， “You are a beautiful and beloved individual. It is good to be you. We will love you no matter what you do， as long as you are you.” Finally， it is only when one has taken the leap into the unknown of total self-hood， psychological independence and unique individuality， that one is free to proceed along still higher paths of spiritual growth， and to manifest love in its greatest 19）dimensions. As long as one marries， enters a career or has children， only to satisfy one’s parents or the expectations of anyone else， including society as a whole， the commitment by its very nature will be a shallow one. The highest forms of love are inevitably totally free choices， rather than acts of responsibility or 20）conformity.

其次，愛不光為這種重大的改變提供動(dòng)力，同時(shí)也給予我們冒險(xiǎn)的勇氣。因?yàn)楦改缸孕【王r明地表現(xiàn)出愛我、珍視我，給了我足夠的安全感，我才能反抗他們的期望，以激進(jìn)的方式脫離他們?yōu)槲忆伜玫娜松缆贰Ｎ腋矣谧卟煌穆?，即使做法如同瘋子一般，但我所做的正是回?yīng)他們以前向我傳遞的無(wú)數(shù)愛的信息，這些信息說(shuō)的是：“你是個(gè)漂亮、可愛的人。做自己很好。無(wú)論你做什么，只要你保持自我，我們始終都會(huì)愛你?！?/p>

最后，只有當(dāng)一個(gè)人邁出這一大步，走進(jìn)完全自我、心智獨(dú)立、個(gè)性獨(dú)特的未知領(lǐng)域，才能夠活得自由自在，追求心智的不斷成熟，體驗(yàn)到愛的至高境界。一個(gè)人成家立業(yè)、生兒育女，如果只為滿足父母或他人的愿望，包括社會(huì)整體，那么這種人生承諾本質(zhì)上就會(huì)是很膚淺的。至高境界的愛，必然是自由狀態(tài)下的自主選擇，而不是出于責(zé)任和順從的行為表現(xiàn)。