一顆說謊的心

By the time I’d climbed the three flights of stairs that led to our apartment， my short legs were 1）wobbly and my stomach felt like a whirling top. My mother was going to be so angry， but there was no way out.

I slipped into the kitchen just as I did every afternoon when I walked home from kindergarten. My mother turned from the stove where she’d been stirring something.

“Where have you been？” Mom shouted.

If I explained that a girl in my class had shown me a shortcut home but I got lost， all would be well. So thinks an almost-six-yearold mind.

“Answer me，” my mother screamed. She was shaking， and before I could say anything， she slapped my cheek.

It was so unlike her. My face 2）stung， but it hurt my feelings even more. She’d scolded me earlier in the day for 3）dawdling on the way home， being late and making her worry. I’d tried so hard to get home on time that day. If only Lois’s directions for the shorter way home had been easier to follow！ I’d gone up one street and down another until I finally saw familiar territory. I ran the rest of the way.

In that 4）split second after the ringing slap， I decided to make my mother feel bad about hurting me. The lie formed in my gut， bubbled up and out my mouth between sobs.“You’ll be sorry when you hear what happened. I’m late because a man took me away.”

Mom 5）gasped and put her hand around my upper arms. “Man？ What man？ Where did he take you？ What did he do？”The questions came like the firing of machine guns in the movies we saw during those WWII years.

Once the first lie emerged， the next one erupted with ease. “He held my hand and we walked to Roosevelt Road.” Mom’s 6）hazel eyes opened wider at hearing that the man had taken me to the street lined with bars and liquor stores.

Now， she wiped the tears from my cheeks and hugged me to her. “Then what？”

“Nothing，” I said. “He brought me back to school and I came straight home. I’m really sorry I’m late， Mommy， but the man made me go with him.”

“What did he look like？” Mom’s voice was so quiet.

“Well，” I said， 7）stalling for time， “he looked a little like Uncle Christie.” My father’s Uncle Christie came to mind as he was old and 8）grizzled， always needing a shave. But he was kind to me.

She had a funny look on her face when she asked me another question. “Did he touch you？”

“He only held my hand.” I wondered why she seemed so upset.

I had to repeat the story to my father when he got home. I kept the same lies going， never changing my story. We ate dinner that night with me chattering as usual， my baby brother banging a spoon on his 9）high chair tray and my parents talking only through looks passed across the kitchen table.

Grade school and junior high years slipped by， and even though I thought about the horrible lies I’d told， I’d reached a point where the guilt proved easier to bear than the thought of 10）confessing. Finally， when I was sixteen， Mom and I were doing dishes one summer evening. We were chatting and laughing as she washed and I dried. Why I suddenly decided to confess that night， I don’t know.

During a 11）lull in the conversation， I said，“Remember the day the man took me up to Roosevelt Road when I was coming home from school？” Even all these years later， my heart beat harder as the memory of my lies surfaced. My mother stopped 12）scrubbing the potato pan.“How could I ever forget？ Your dad and I worried ourselves sick. We didn’t know what to do so we called the police， and they had a police car follow you to school every day for about two weeks. They never found the man， but it was a terrible time.”

I never knew that I’d had a police 13）escort. I nearly swallowed my big confession right then and there， but I went on. “Mom， I 14）made it all up.”

“You what？ But why？” Her face turned red and her hands were shaking as she dried them on the tea towel by the sink.

I could barely get the words out. “You hit me before I had time to explain that Lois told me a shortcut to go home but I got lost.” I started to cry and so did Mom.

When we both gained some control， I said， “I didn’t think you’d get so angry ten years after it happened.”

She sank onto a kitchen chair and put her hands on her cheeks. “I barely slept for two weeks. I couldn’t walk to and from school with you every day because your baby brother was sleeping then.”

I’m sure she told my dad that night， but he never said a word to me about the stupidest thing I’d ever done. Stupid or not， I learned that one lie leads to another， and once you’re deep in a pile of lies， the way out might take years.

當(dāng)我爬完通往我們公寓的那三段樓梯時(shí)，我短小的雙腿搖搖晃晃的，胃里就像個(gè)急速飛轉(zhuǎn)的陀螺般旋轉(zhuǎn)翻騰。媽媽準(zhǔn)要大發(fā)雷霆，但我別無他法。

如同往常每個(gè)下午從幼兒園回到家一樣，我溜進(jìn)了廚房。媽媽在爐子上炒動著什么，然后她轉(zhuǎn)過身來。

“你去哪兒了？”媽媽吼道。

如果我解釋說班上的一個(gè)女生告訴我一條回家的捷徑，但是我迷路了，那一切都會沒問題的，快六歲的我這樣想。

“回答我”，媽媽尖叫道。她氣得發(fā)抖，我一句話都還沒來得及說，她就扇了我一耳光。

這很不像她。我的臉上感到刺痛，但我的心更痛。她那天早些時(shí)候就責(zé)備過我，責(zé)罵我不應(yīng)該在回家的路上瞎逛，遲遲不歸讓她擔(dān)心。我那天已經(jīng)盡力按時(shí)回家了。要是洛伊斯指的那條回家的捷徑不那么難找就好了！我在各條街道間上上下下，直到看到熟悉的街區(qū)，就一個(gè)勁兒地跑回家了。

在那清脆的耳光聲響起后的一瞬間，我決定了要讓媽媽因?yàn)閭Φ轿叶械嚼⒕?。一個(gè)謊言在我腹中生成，往上冒，在我的啜泣聲中從嘴里吐出?！爱?dāng)你聽到發(fā)生了什么事兒，你會后悔的，我回來晚了是因?yàn)橐粋€(gè)男人把我?guī)ё吡恕！?/p>

媽媽倒抽了一口氣，用手繞著我的兩個(gè)上臂?！澳腥?？什么男人？他帶你去哪兒啦？他做了什么？”一連串的問題猶如我們看過的二戰(zhàn)電影里那些機(jī)關(guān)槍的炮火般襲來。

第一個(gè)謊言一旦說出，下一個(gè)謊言就變得容易了?！八麪孔∥业氖肿叩搅肆_斯福路?！碑?dāng)聽到那個(gè)男人把我?guī)У骄瓢珊途扑亮至⒌哪菞l街上時(shí)，媽媽睜大了她那雙淡褐色的眼睛。

此時(shí)，她擦干我臉上的淚水，把我擁進(jìn)懷里?！叭缓竽?？”

“沒什么，”我說?！八盐?guī)Щ亓藢W(xué)校，然后我就直接回家了。真的很對不起我回來晚了，媽媽，但是那個(gè)男人帶走了我?！?/p>

“他長的什么樣子？”媽媽的聲音柔柔的。

“嗯，”我說，停了一會兒，“他長得有點(diǎn)兒像克里斯蒂叔叔?！蔽野职值目死锼沟偈迨逵橙胛业哪X海，因?yàn)樗昙o(jì)大，頭發(fā)斑白，還總是滿臉胡茬的。但是他對我很好。

當(dāng)她問到我另一個(gè)問題時(shí)，她臉上的表情有點(diǎn)怪異?！八信瞿銌?？”

“他只是牽了我的手?！蔽乙苫鬄槭裁此雌饋砣绱诵臒┮鈦y。

當(dāng)我爸爸回家時(shí)，我不得不向他重復(fù)了那個(gè)故事。我一直說著那個(gè)謊，從沒改變過。那天晚飯時(shí)，我像往常那樣吱吱喳喳說個(gè)沒完，我年幼的弟弟用湯匙敲著高腳椅子的托盤，而我的父母則在餐桌上只通過彼此的表情交流。

小學(xué)與初中匆匆而去，盡管我會回想起那些我撒過的可怕謊言，但當(dāng)時(shí)忍受愧疚顯然比坦白更容易做到。最后，當(dāng)我十六歲時(shí)，夏日的一個(gè)晚上，我和媽媽正在洗碗。她負(fù)責(zé)洗刷，我負(fù)責(zé)擦干，我們邊聊邊笑。為什么那天晚上我突然決定坦白呢，我也不知道原因。

在談話間歇時(shí)，我說道：“還記得那天當(dāng)我從學(xué)?；丶視r(shí)一個(gè)男人把我?guī)У搅肆_斯福路嗎？”即使過了這么多年，當(dāng)有關(guān)我的謊言的記憶浮現(xiàn)時(shí)，我的心仍砰砰直跳。媽媽停下了刷土豆盤子的動作?！拔以趺赐昧?？你爸爸和我擔(dān)心死了。我們不知道該怎么辦，所以我們報(bào)了警，他們讓一輛警車每天跟著你去學(xué)校，持續(xù)了兩個(gè)星期。他們沒有找到那個(gè)男人，但那段時(shí)間真是糟糕透了。”

我從來不知道警察還護(hù)送過我。我差點(diǎn)當(dāng)場把我的坦白之言吞了回去，但我接著說。“媽媽，這全是我編出來的?！?/p>

“你什么？但這是為什么？”她漲紅了臉，抖著手用水槽邊上的抹布把手擦干。

我差點(diǎn)說不出話來?！拔疫€沒有時(shí)間解釋，你就打了我。洛伊斯告訴我有一條回家的捷徑但是我迷路了，”我哭了起來，媽媽也哭了起來。

當(dāng)我們倆都稍能穩(wěn)住情緒時(shí)，我說：“這件事都過去十年了，我沒想到你還會這么生氣?！?/p>

她坐到一把廚房的椅子上，雙手放在臉上?！罢麅蓚€(gè)星期我?guī)缀醵紱]睡著過。我沒法每天陪著你上下學(xué)，因?yàn)槟愕艿苣莻€(gè)時(shí)間還在睡覺?！?/p>

我肯定那天晚上她把這事兒告訴了爸爸，但他從來也沒有和我提過這件我所做過的愚蠢至極的事。無論愚蠢與否，我明白到：謊言一個(gè)連一個(gè)，一旦你身陷一堆謊言之中，要從中走出可能得花上數(shù)年的時(shí)間。