Do you ever talk to yourself? Be honest.
Researchers say talking to yourself, out loud, is more common than many of us might care to admit. Psychologists call it “self talk” and say how we do it makes a big difference in both our mood and our behavior.
Most people engage in self-talk, experts say, though some do it louder and more often than others. When I asked, I heard from people who talk to themselves in the basement, in their 1)cubicle at work and at the 2)urinal in the men’s room. One woman turns the car radio down so she can hear herself better.
Self-talk is what happens when you make yourself the target of your own comments, advice or reminders. Experts consider it a 3)subset of thinking. You’re essentially having a conversation with yourself. Sometimes self-talk is automatic. Other times we do it deliberately to influence our own behavior. “What happens with self-talk is you stimulate your action, direct your action and evaluate your action,” says Antonis Hatzigeorgiadis, associate professor at the University of Thessaly in Trikala, Greece, who studies self-talk and the psychology of sports performance.
Motivational self-talk includes what we say to 4)psych ourselves up: “Come on!” “Let’s go!”“You can do this!” Instructional self-talk walks us through a specific task. If you are driving, you might tell yourself to turn right at the next light, and then you do it. “It sounds simple, but you get the correct reaction,” says Dr. Hatzigeorgiadis. Instructional self-talk is helpful when learning or practicing a new sport or task, he says. For example, a swimmer can remind himself to keep his elbow high during freestyle. Before giving a speech, the speaker might tell herself, “Speak slower” and “Make eye contact.”
It is important to be short, precise—and consistent. “You have to sustain it,” Dr. Hatzigeorgiadis says. “You instruct yourself until it becomes automatic.” The way you 5)address yourself matters, too. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in February found people who spoke to themselves as another person—using their own name or the pronoun“you”—performed better under stress than people who used the word “I.”
In one study, University of Michigan researchers 6)induced stress in participants by telling them they had to prepare a speech to give to a panel of judges about their qualifications for a dream job. They had just five minutes to prepare and were told they couldn’t use notes.
Half the participants were instructed to 7)work through their anxiety using the first-person pronoun (“Why am I nervous?”). The other half were told to address themselves by name or the pronoun“you” (“Why are you nervous?”). Afterward, each participant was asked to estimate how much shame he or she experienced right after the speech, and how much 8)subsequent 9)ruminating they did.
The results were consistent: People whose self-talk used their names or “you” reported less shame and ruminated less than the ones who used“I”. The judges found the performances of those using “you” to be more confident, less nervous and more persuasive.
When people think of themselves as another person, “it allows them to give themselves objective, helpful feedback,” says Ethan Kross, associate professor of psychology and director of the Self-Control and Emotion Laboratory at the University of Michigan.
Don Ingraham, a 77-year-old retired chief executive of a chemical distribution company, has been talking to himself for more than 70 years. He was a lonely child—his brothers were much older—so he invented three imaginary friends, Bobby Palmer, Bobby Engine and Ainsley Oates, with whom he had regular conversations.
Both positive and negative words can influence us in positive and negative ways. Say to yourself,“This job interview is going to be a 10)cakewalk,” and you might not get 11)pumped up enough to 12)ace it. Conversely, tell yourself,“You just lost that match, you need to focus harder,” and it could 13)spur you to do better in the future. With critical self-talk, identify why you are being negative and focus on making it better. Don’t say: “I bombed that presentation.” Say:“That wasn’t your best effort. You need to 14)buckle down now and try harder.”
Kathy Gruver, a 44-year-old 15)alternative-medicine 16)practitioner in Santa Barbara, Calif., once made herself cry while talking to herself about what to say to her then-boyfriend, who hadn’t called when he said he would. Since then, she has learned to speak to herself positively. She repeats daily 17)affirmations, coaches herself on handling difficult clients and walks through the steps of her 18)flying-trapeze workout. “I think it’s healthy to talk to yourself,” she says. “Throw your Bluetooth in, so people think you’re on the phone, and let it all out.”
你曾經(jīng)試過自言自語嗎?說實話。
研究人員表明,大聲的自言自語,非常普遍,只是我們中的許多人都不愿意承認罷了。心理學家稱之為“自我對話”,并表示我們自我對話的方式對我們的情緒和行為影響重大。
專家指出,大部分人都會自我對話,盡管有一些人說得更大聲,更頻繁。當我問及大家會否如此之后,我收到一些人的來信,來信人表示他們會在地下室、工作間,或男廁所便池進行自我對話。有一位女士把汽車音響聲音調(diào)低就是為了能夠更清楚地聽到自己說話。
當你把自己作為評論、建議或者提醒的對象時,自我對話就會發(fā)生。專家把自我對話視為思考的一部分。本質(zhì)上來說,你就是在與自己對話。有時候,自我對話是下意識的。其他時候我們則有意為之,以此來影響自己的行為。“自我對話能夠?qū)ψ约旱男袆悠鸬郊?、指引以及評價的作用,”安東尼斯·海茲歌迪亞斯說道,他是希臘特里卡拉省塞薩利大學的副教授,研究自我對話以及運動心理學。
激勵性的自我對話包括自我鼓勵所說的話:“加油!”“走起!”“你能做到!”指導性的自我對話能幫助我們完成某件具體的任務。假如你在開車,你可能告訴自己在下一個交通信號燈處向右轉(zhuǎn),然后你就這樣做了。“這聽起來很簡單,但是你做出了正確的反應,”海茲歌迪亞斯博士說。他說,在學習或是練習一項新的運動或任務的時候,指導性的自我對話很有幫助。舉例來說,一名游泳運動員在游自由泳的時候可以提醒自己保持肘部高度。在演講前,發(fā)言人會告訴自己,“語速慢一點”以及“要有眼神交流”。
要簡短,精準,這很重要——并且要持之以恒?!澳惚仨毜脠猿郑焙F澑璧蟻喫共┦空f,“你對自己進行引導,直到這一切變成下意識的行為?!蹦銓ψ约旱姆Q呼也非常重要?!秱€性與社會心理學雜志》二月號中發(fā)表的研究發(fā)現(xiàn),人們用另一個人的身份進行自我對話——直呼自己的名字或是使用代詞“你”——在面對壓力的時候,比起使用“我”來進行自我對話,效果要更好。
在一項研究中,密歇根大學的研究人員告訴計劃參與人員,為了夢寐以求的工作,他們必須在一眾面試官前準備一場演講,證明自己的專業(yè)資格,以此來誘發(fā)壓力。參與人員只有五分鐘的時間準備,而且還不允許使用筆記提綱。
一半的參與者被引導著使用第一人稱(像“為什么我要緊張?”)來緩解焦慮。另一半的人則被要求直呼自己的名字或是用代詞“你”(像“為什么你要緊張?”)。然后,每一個參與人員在演講之后都會被要求評估自己的羞怯程度,以及后續(xù)的追悔反思。
結果是一致的:比起那些用“我”進行自我對話的人,直呼自己名字或是用“你”來稱呼自己的人羞怯感更輕,后續(xù)的追悔反思也更少。面試官發(fā)現(xiàn)那些用“你”的人表現(xiàn)更自信,沒有那么緊張,也更有說服力。
當人們把自己看成另外一個人,“他們能夠給予自己客觀和有益的反饋,”伊恩·克魯斯說道,他是密歇根大學的心理學副教授及“自控與情緒”實驗室主任。
唐·英格拉姆曾是一家化學品分銷公司的首席執(zhí)行官,今年77歲,現(xiàn)已退休,他進行自我對話已經(jīng)超過70年了。他過去是一個孤獨的孩子,他的哥哥們比他年長很多,所以他創(chuàng)造了三位虛擬的朋友,波比·帕爾馬、波比·安吉,以及安斯利·奧茲,他和“他們”經(jīng)常對話。
積極和消極的言辭都會對我們有正面和反面的作用。對你自己說:“這次面試簡直易如反掌”,你可能不會鼓足勁頭來取得成功。相反地,你告訴自己,“你剛才表現(xiàn)不佳,你需要更加專注,”這就會激勵你未來做得更好。用批判性的自我對話,搞清楚你表現(xiàn)消極的原因,專注如何能做得更好。不要說:“剛才的展示我做得太棒了?!倍钦f:“你還不夠努力。你現(xiàn)在需要全力以赴,更加努力?!?/p>
凱西·格魯佛,44歲,是一名加利福尼亞州圣巴巴拉市的替代醫(yī)學從業(yè)者。有一次,她當時的男朋友說會給她電話卻沒有打,她就進行自我對話,內(nèi)容是她要和男朋友說的話,竟把自己說哭了。從此以后,她學會了跟自己進行積極的對話。她每天都反復自我肯定,指導自己如何應對挑剔的客人,鼓勵自己完成空中飛人訓練。“我覺得自我對話是一種健康的方式,”她說,“給自己戴上藍牙,人們就以為你在打電話,然后大膽地自我對話?!?/p>