紐約：想說愛你不容易

New York City was never on my radar1） growing up； I mean， I read about it in books and saw it in movies， but I never intended to scrape my way from one side of the U.S. to the other in order to live here.

Once the wonder of bodegas2） on every corner wore off， the magnificence of the skyscrapers transformed into walls， and no matter where I stood—on the isle of Manhattan or a far-flung borough3）—I felt trapped， panicked. I grew up surrounded by mountain ranges， wide-open spaces， endless expanses of bright blue sky.

Whenever my dad would call to check in， he’d ask how things were in “New Yawk City，” drawing out the sound in a bad imitation of a line from a movie I’ve likely never seen. Every time he said it， it sounded more and more like he was trying to remove a slug of phlegm4） from the back of his throat. The association between the city’s name and hocking a loogie5） seemed somehow accurate.

Lots of people love it here—they use terms like The Big Apple and all sorts of other Midwestern nicknames picked from any number of6） moving pictures produced before the movies were in color. That’s just how it is—there are a lot of perpetual tourists here. All that being said， I never wanted anything the way I wanted to love living in New York City. And like most great desires， the more I wanted it， the further out of reach it seemed.

I can’t think of a better way to explain the daily experience of living here except to say this is the most inconveniently convenient city on earth. Most things feel like an uphill7） battle， one waged8） while constantly within an eight-foot radius9） of at least one other person. When you are down， this is the place that will lodge10） a boot firmly in your gut. And the next day， you have to get up and do it again， because that’s just the way things are done.

The adages11） about this place are innumerable， and with good reason； it is a place that has always demanded the full attention of its occupants. The coining of catchphrases12） is inevitable and the one I find most annoying is also the most accurate： “If you can make it here， you can make it anywhere.”

It’s true. If you can withstand the pressure cooker13） that is living and working within this city， if you can make ends meet and maintain friendships in the self-aggrandizing bubble of a city， if you can keep your head up even when you’re in the midst of getting punched in the soul （because you’ve lost your job， place to live and really hot significant other14） within a single day）， then you， my friend， will flourish anywhere and everywhere else.

I have a friend that talks about moving to New York， though she has yet to make the leap. Knowing that I’m about to leave， she asked if I would suggest she go elsewhere. To that I say not just No， but Fuck No. I fully encourage anyone that wants to come here to do so， to scrape by15）， to be absolutely miserable from October ’til May， and to make up for it with as many questionable decisions as possible during the five months of slightly better weather.

It was hard to realize that I was the only person I knew in New York that didn’t really want to be here； harder still to book the flight and make the plans necessary to move away. It’s hard not to think of leaving as quitting， or something similar.

At times， I’d fall down a Tumblr16） rabbithole17）， landing on any number of blogs written by a 20-something， all of which used the same one-liner18） to describe their life： “a love letter to New York City.” That sentence never resonated with me， and it proved to be a source of endless frustration. If everyone who moved here loved it so much， why didn’t I？

Even now， I don’t think I could ever write New York City a love letter. To be fair， I don’t think it would write me one， either—I’ve done my fair share of19） crying on the subway and taking its name in vain20） on the Internet. But I can tell it and the people living here thank you； thank you for bringing me to some of the greatest highs and lows I could ever hope to experience， often within a single day.

New York City beats something out of you—something hard to lose， something visceral21）. Living here made me grow up in ways I didn’t realize I needed to， made me resilient in ways I didn’t know I needed to be. It’s been a rough few years， but they were well worth it for the lessons learned， insights I doubt I could have gleaned without living here.

We just had our first taste of nice weather last weekend. You could tell how much New Yorkers needed it by the sheer volume of people walking around aimlessly all weekend， trying to milk each moment in the sun for all it was worth22）. Winter was， as always， too long—and for the time being， the feeling of good will and positivity is oozing23） from everyone’s pores. My last week in the city will be golden because of this， and for that I am thankful.

在我成長的歲月里，紐約從來不在我的關注范圍內(nèi)。我是說，我雖然在書上讀到過它，在電影里看到過它，但從未打算千里迢迢地跨越整個美國來這里生活。

當遍布街角的雜貨店帶來的驚喜逐漸消退，當壯觀的摩天大樓還原為一片林立的高墻，無論我身處何地——在曼哈頓島或是偏遠的郊區(qū)——我都感到像籠中鳥一樣驚慌失措。我長大的地方可是群山環(huán)繞，地域遼闊，蔚藍、明亮的天空一眼望不到邊。

每次爸爸打來問候的電話，他都會問起“扭腰”的情況怎么樣，拖著長音笨拙地模仿著大概是我從沒看過的某部電影里的一句臺詞。每次他這樣說時，那發(fā)音聽起來越來越像是他正努力把喉嚨深處的一口痰清出來。把這座城市的名字與咳痰聯(lián)系起來，這似乎也莫名地貼切。

許多人喜歡這里，他們用“大蘋果”和其他各式各樣的昵稱來稱呼它，那些都是黑白片時代的很多電影里中西部居民給它起的綽號。情況正是如此——這里的許多人都是長期滯留的游客。盡管如此，我卻非?？释軔凵显诩~約的生活，這種渴望超出了我對其他所有事物的渴望。但就像大多數(shù)強烈的愿望一樣，我的這種愿望越迫切，實現(xiàn)起來似乎就越難。

我想不出還有什么更好的方式來描述在這里生活的日常體驗，只能說這是世界上最為便利卻讓人感到麻煩的城市。大多數(shù)事情都感覺像一場艱難的戰(zhàn)斗，而這場戰(zhàn)斗常常發(fā)生在至少另一個人周圍八英尺（編注：約2.4米）的范圍內(nèi)。當你失意時，這是一個會把你狠狠地踩在腳下的地方。而第二天，你又必須起身，從頭再來，因為這就是這里的游戲規(guī)則。

關于此地的諺語數(shù)不勝數(shù)，這是有充分理由的：這座城市一直要求居住在這里的人們給它全部的關注。流行語的創(chuàng)造不可避免，其中最令我感到厭煩的一句也是最精辟的一句：“如果你能在這里獲得成功，那你去哪里都能成功?！?/p>

這話沒錯。如果你能忍受在這座城市里生活和工作的重重壓力，如果你能在這座城市自我膨脹的虛幻里勉強維持生計并維系友誼，如果你能做到即使在精神受到巨大打擊的時候（因為你在一天之內(nèi)失去了工作、住所以及很棒的戀人）仍然保持尊嚴，那么，我的朋友，你就可以在任何地方都過得很好。

我的一個朋友常說要搬來紐約，不過她還沒有邁出這一步。在得知我將離開紐約的消息后，她問我是否建議她去別的地方。我的回答不僅僅是“不”，而是“決不”。我雙手贊成所有想來這里的人們都來，在這里勉強度日，從10月到次年5月都過著凄冷無比的日子，然后在天氣略有好轉(zhuǎn)的五個月里做出要多少有多少個不靠譜的決定，以資補償。

在我認識的所有身在紐約的人中，我是唯一一個并不真心想留在這里的人，意識到這一點很不容易。而更不容易的是訂機票，并為離開制定必要的計劃。你很難不把離開看做放棄，或是其他諸如此類的東西。

有時，我會進入湯博樂網(wǎng)站的神奇世界，看到許多二十來歲的人寫的博文。他們在博文中全都用同樣一句俏皮話來描述自己的生活：“寫給紐約的一封情書。”我從未對這句話產(chǎn)生過共鳴。事實證明，它帶給我的只有無盡的挫敗感。如果搬到這里的每個人都那么愛它，為什么我偏偏不是呢？

即便現(xiàn)在，我也覺得我永遠不會為紐約獻上一封情書。說句公道話，我認為它也不會給我寫情書——我曾在地鐵里哭過不少回，也經(jīng)常在互聯(lián)網(wǎng)上對它出言不敬。但是我會對它和生活在這里的人們說一聲謝謝，謝謝你們常常讓我在一天之內(nèi)就體會到人生所能經(jīng)歷的最大的起起伏伏。

紐約能錘打出你身上的某種東西——某種不易失去、深入骨髓的東西。這里的生活令我成長，而我未曾意識到自己需要在這些方面獲得成長；這里的生活增強了我的適應能力，我也從不知曉自己需要這樣的適應能力。這幾年過得很辛苦，但卻是值得的，因為我收獲了經(jīng)驗，這是我覺得自己不在紐約生活就無法獲得的洞見。

上周末（編注：英文原文發(fā)表于2013年5月），我們剛剛迎來了今年的第一個好天氣。從整個周末漫無目的地四處閑蕩、無論是否管用都努力享受每一刻陽光的人們的龐大數(shù)目上，你就能知道紐約人有多么期盼這種天氣。和往年一樣，冬天太漫長了——而現(xiàn)在，每個人的毛孔都向外散發(fā)著友善和樂觀的情緒。我在這座城市的最后一個星期將因此而充滿愉悅，對此我深表感激。

1.on one’s radar：受某人注目，為某人所關注

2.bodega [b???di?ɡ?] n. （賣酒的）小雜貨店

3.borough [?b?r?] n. 美國紐約市的行政區(qū)

4.phlegm [flem] n. 痰

5.hock a loogie：〈俚〉咳出一口痰

6.any number of：〈口〉好多，許多

7.uphill [??ph?l] adj. （如上坡般）艱難的，費力的

8.wage [we?d?] vt. 發(fā)動（運動、戰(zhàn)爭等）

9.radius [?re?di?s] n. 范圍

10.lodge [l?d?] vt. 把……射入（或投入、擊中）

11.adage [??d?d?] n. 諺語，格言

12.catchphrase [?k?t??fre?z] n. 名言；流行口號

13.pressure cooker：（情緒或社會環(huán)境的）壓力重重

14.significant other：至關重要的另一位（指配偶或戀人）

15.scrape by：勉強生活

16.Tumblr：中文名為湯博樂，是目前全球最大的輕博客網(wǎng)站，也是輕博客網(wǎng)站的始祖，2013年5月被雅虎公司收購。輕博客是一種介于傳統(tǒng)博客和微博之間的全新媒體形態(tài)，既注重表達，又注重社交。

17.rabbithole：比喻一個奇特世界的入口。在《愛麗絲夢游仙境》（Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland）中，主人公愛麗絲掉進了一個兔子洞，由此墜入了神奇的地下世界。

18.one-liner：〈口〉（單句的）打趣話，俏皮話

19.one’s share of：一般（或預期、想要）的量

20.in vain：輕慢，不敬

21.visceral [?v?s?r?l] adj. 深在臟腑的；本能驅(qū)使的

22.for all it is worth：不論真?zhèn)?，不論好壞，不管是否管?/p>

23.ooze [u?z] vi. 冒出，散發(fā)出