巧用書面表達(dá)范文 提高學(xué)生寫作水平

武發(fā)俊

近幾年，云南省高中畢業(yè)生復(fù)習(xí)統(tǒng)一檢測(cè)試題質(zhì)量較高，與高考切合度大、復(fù)習(xí)備考導(dǎo)向較強(qiáng)，深受各界贊譽(yù)。對(duì)省統(tǒng)測(cè)和高考英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)的研究一直備受英語(yǔ)教師關(guān)注，然而對(duì)英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)范文進(jìn)行深入研究的教師卻不多。范文，顧名思義就是一種滿分作文范本。絕大多數(shù)英語(yǔ)教師對(duì)范文的態(tài)度幾乎都是過(guò)分“迷信”其權(quán)威性，都將書面表達(dá)的范文視為完美答案，無(wú)視范文中出現(xiàn)的一些“問(wèn)題”。作為一個(gè)集教學(xué)、教研和多年高考閱卷經(jīng)歷的英語(yǔ)教師，筆者以“批判性閱讀”的視角，從文本印象、表達(dá)質(zhì)量、語(yǔ)法邏輯等維度來(lái)審視近兩年云南省高中畢業(yè)生復(fù)習(xí)統(tǒng)一檢測(cè)試題（以下簡(jiǎn)稱“省統(tǒng)測(cè)”）和高考英語(yǔ)全國(guó)甲卷中的英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)范文，查找范文中的一些不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題并進(jìn)行修正，在此基礎(chǔ)上對(duì)范文進(jìn)行適當(dāng)深加工——修改和潤(rùn)色，使其更靚麗，更有“范”。

一、近兩年省統(tǒng)測(cè)英語(yǔ)試題書面表達(dá)范文探討

（一）2021年省統(tǒng)測(cè)（1）書面表達(dá)

1.書面表達(dá)英語(yǔ)范文

Dear Sir/Madam，

Im writing to sign up for the selection of little envoys of cultural exchange to promote the communication with foreign schools.

Above all， I have traveled to Europe twice for summer camps before， which helped me experience foreign cultures and look at things from different perspectives. Actually， I am chairman of Student Union， so I will be the right person to share Chinese school culture with foreigners， such as student clubs and school activities.

If you need to contact me， please call 6513099. I believe that the chance can broaden my horizon and make me grow in many ways. Thank you！

Yours，

Li Hua

2.范文中不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題

（1）第一段有寫信目的，卻沒(méi)有寫信的背景。

（2）第二段表述了兩點(diǎn)申請(qǐng)理由，引出理由的連接詞“Above all”“Actually”不太匹配。

（3）第三段中的句子“I believe that the chance can broaden my horizon and make me grow in many ways.”應(yīng)該是申請(qǐng)理由，放在最后一段存在表達(dá)邏輯上的混亂，與上一句“If you need to contact me， please call 6513099.”關(guān)聯(lián)度不高，思維有點(diǎn)跳躍式。“If you need to contact me， please call 6513099.”這一句在“申請(qǐng)”中有點(diǎn)生硬。

3.修改建議

若對(duì)上述范文進(jìn)行以下調(diào)整，范文的“范”就能得到凸顯。具體調(diào)整部分以斜體字再現(xiàn)如下：

Dear Sir/Madam，

I am Li Hua. Informed that youre selecting little envoys of cultural exchange， Im writing to sign up for it to promote the communication with foreign schools.

First and foremost， I have traveled to Europe twice for summer camps before， which has helped me experience foreign cultures and look at things from different perspectives. Besides， being chairman of Student Union， I will be the right person to share Chinese school culture with foreigners， such as student clubs and school activities. Last but not least， its an opportunity to broaden my horizon and make me grow in many ways.

If you need some more information， please do not hesitate to contact me at 6513099 . Thank you！

Yours，

Li Hua

（二）2021年省統(tǒng)測(cè)（2）書面表達(dá)

1.書面表達(dá)英語(yǔ)范文

Dear Tim，

How are you doing？ Anything fun？ Ive just joined my schools chorus club， which I enjoy very much.

With a total of 50 music-loving members， the chorus is very popular with students. We need every Tuesday afternoon in the school music hall to practice singing. Our conductor， one of my classmates， has chosen three classical songs， which we plan to perform at a charity show next month to raise money for the drought-stricken areas. Our music teacher is very supportive to our plan and she has promised to accompany us on the piano.

Could you write back and tell me about the student clubs of your school？ Looking forward to your reply.

Best wishes，

Li Hua

2.范文中不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題

（1）文本給人留下的印象不好，寫信完畢簽字處不適宜用“Best wishes”替代“Yours”。

（2）第二段中，句子“We need every Tuesday afternoon in the school music hall to practice singing.”明顯有中式英語(yǔ)的痕跡，表達(dá)不地道。

3.修改建議

該范文有113個(gè)詞，行文流暢、簡(jiǎn)練，尤其是第一段，用“Anything fun？”表達(dá)寫信目的，簡(jiǎn)單明了，確實(shí)將自己置身于情境交際之中，但寫信完畢簽字處應(yīng)將“Best wishes”改為“Yours”。第二段中，將句子“We need every Tuesday afternoon in the school music hall to practice singing.”改為“We need to practice singing in the school music hall every Tuesday afternoon.”更符合英語(yǔ)表達(dá)，較為妥當(dāng)。

（三）2022年省統(tǒng)測(cè)（1）書面表達(dá)

1.書面表達(dá)英語(yǔ)范文

Dear Eric，

Im Li Hua， chief editor of the school English newspaper. We are starting a new column which welcomes readers to write articles for it. I wonder whether youd like to share your story. The requirements are as follows.

There must be many role models who have inspired you so much. The article is supposed to focus on the theme“A Role Model in My Life”. As for the length of the text， there is no limit. While submitting your work， dont forget to include a self-introduction， Finally， please send your article to teenstoday@126.com before the deadline of March 31st.

If you have any question， please feel free to contact me. Your contribution will be highly appreciated.

Yours，

Li Hua

2.范文中不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題

（1）第一段的“鳳頭”不突出，過(guò)于冗長(zhǎng)；寫信人是Eric的好友，沒(méi)有必要再介紹自己“Im Li Hua”。

（2）第二段“豬肚”不明顯，與第一段篇幅基本一樣。

3.修改建議

該范文有119個(gè)詞，表達(dá)流暢，文中分詞用得很出彩，最后一段較精彩，凸顯了“豹尾”，最后一句用被動(dòng)語(yǔ)態(tài)句式替代常用的主動(dòng)句式，確實(shí)比較巧妙。通過(guò)精簡(jiǎn)第一段、充實(shí)第二段、提升部分句子的表達(dá)水準(zhǔn)后，以下范文會(huì)更加完美，具體調(diào)整部分以斜體字再現(xiàn)如下：

Dear Eric，

Being chief editor of the school English newspaper for a new column， I wonder whether youd like to share your article on it.

As follows are the detailed requirements. To begin with， the article is supposed to focus on the theme “A Role Model in My Life”， who has inspired you so much. And next， as for the length of the text， there is no limit. In addition， while submitting your work， dont forget to include a self-introduction， Finally， please send your article to teenstoday@126.com before the deadline of March 31st.

If you have some question， please feel free to contact me. Your contribution will be highly appreciated.

（四）2022年省統(tǒng)測(cè)（2）書面表達(dá)

1.書面表達(dá)英語(yǔ)范文

Dear Eric，

How are you doing？ Recently I have taken up the Chinese martial arts， which is great fun. Maybe you will also be interested in it.

Martial arts， also known as Wushu， is a traditional sport in China. I started practising it last month in order to build up my body and relieve the stress from study as well. As scheduled， we gather in the school gym to do the sport twice a week. Our coach tells us that Wushu makes people feel a sense of calm， confidence and peace. The one-month training has benefited me a lot. My health has improved significantly. And I have come to understand the concept of good sportsmanship.

Why not join me in practicing Wushu？

2.范文中不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題

（1）第一段表達(dá)雖簡(jiǎn)練，凸顯了“鳳頭”，但讀起來(lái)覺(jué)得有些普通。若在高考閱卷中評(píng)分，似乎少了點(diǎn)瞬間吸引閱卷人眼球的東西，或者說(shuō)不夠煽情。

（2）第二段中，練武術(shù)帶來(lái)的好處：“...Wushu makes people feel a sense of calm， confidence and peace.”（武術(shù)使人有一種平靜、自信、平和的感覺(jué)）“calm”和“peace”是近義詞，顯得重復(fù)。

3.修改建議

該范文有120個(gè)詞，是云南省這些年來(lái)最漂亮的一篇英語(yǔ)范文。美中不足的是：

第一段讀起來(lái)覺(jué)得有些普通，筆者草擬了以下兩個(gè)第一段：

How are you doing？ Having taken up the Chinese martial arts recently， Im writing to show off my thrilling /enjoyable/pleasurable experience with you in excitement.（28個(gè)詞）

Hows everything going？ Having been practicing martial arts for weeks， I have a strong desire （that Im willing） to express my burning passion for it in this letter.（27個(gè)詞）

第二段中，談到練武術(shù)的益處，人們首先想到的是“果敢”“堅(jiān)毅”，若將句子“...Wushu makes people feel a sense of calm， confidence and peace.”改為“...Wushu makes people feel a sense of bravery， confidence and perseverance.”更好，既可避免用詞重復(fù)，其觀點(diǎn)表達(dá)也更容易被人接受和理解。

二、近兩年高考英語(yǔ)全國(guó)甲卷書面表達(dá)范文探討

（一）2021年高考英語(yǔ)全國(guó)甲卷書面表達(dá)

1.書面表達(dá)英語(yǔ)范文

Dear Chris，

Word came that our school is going to hold a class meeting whose topic is related to Chinese traditional customs. Because this activity will be presented on the English website， I sincerely want you to offer me some advice.

As far as we know， there is a huge cultural difference between China and the western countries. In order to get more clicks， youd better tell me which Chinese culture you westerners prefer. Whats more， if I want to decorate my website with some Chinese elements， what should I do？ Knowing you are interested in China， I do believe you can help me solve these puzzles.

If possible， you can reply to me as soon as possible. I will take your advice into consideration. I really appreciate your help.

Your，

Li Hua

2.范文中不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題

（1）該范文第一段“鳳頭”不突出，共39個(gè)詞，不夠簡(jiǎn)練。

（2）一些小細(xì)節(jié)的嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)程度不夠，同樣功用的表達(dá)用詞重復(fù)。如第一段和第二段中都有“want somebody to do something”的句式；第三段中，“If possible， you can reply to me as soon as possible.”一個(gè)句子用了兩個(gè)“possible”，稍顯無(wú)趣。

3.修改建議

將第一段改為：

As schedule，our school will hold a class meeting related to Chinese traditional customs and presented on the English website， I sincerely wish you to offer me some advice.（30個(gè)詞）

為避免重復(fù)，可將第一段“... I sincerely want you to offer me some advice.”中的“want”改為“wish”。第三段中，若將“If possible”改為“If convenient”，既避免了用詞重復(fù)，效果也更佳。

（二）2022年高考英語(yǔ)全國(guó)甲卷書面表達(dá)

1.書面表達(dá)英語(yǔ)范文

When it comes to ocean， its pollution is becoming more and more serious. World Ocean Day， falling on June 8th， is aimed at raising awareness of ocean conservation.

Ocean plays a key role in our world. Not only does ocean offer us sufficient food， but also it maintains the balance of nature. Thus， it is imperative to protect ocean. First of all， what we can do is to place importance on our daily actions. For example， garbage cant be thrown into ocean. Whats more， we can also hand out leaflets to call on more people to protect the ocean. The more people are involved， the better the ocean environment is.

All in all， it is high time that we devoted ourselves to protecting ocean. To protect ocean is to protect ourselves.

2.范文中不適宜評(píng)滿分的瑕疵或存在的問(wèn)題

第二段中，句子“First of all， what we can do is to place importance on our daily actions.”有問(wèn)題。

3.修改建議

在第二段句子“First of all，what we can do is to place importance on our daily actions.”中 ，具體的句子成分：“what we can do”作主語(yǔ)，“to place importance on our daily actions”作表語(yǔ)，當(dāng)不定式作表語(yǔ)，前面主語(yǔ)有“do”時(shí)，后面表語(yǔ)“to do”的“to”應(yīng)該省略，這個(gè)句子應(yīng)改為：“First of all，what we can do is place importance on our daily actions.”

高考英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)考查的關(guān)鍵點(diǎn)是在特定的語(yǔ)境中看是否達(dá)到交際目的，就是要求考生根據(jù)特定情境，明確寫作目的與讀者對(duì)象，把自己置身于具體的社交情境之中，使用得體的語(yǔ)言。高考英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)要求寫100個(gè)詞左右的應(yīng)用文，因此凝練簡(jiǎn)潔、溝通有效、組織得當(dāng)、句式多樣、用詞豐富等都是對(duì)當(dāng)下高考英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)的具體要求。用英語(yǔ)書面表達(dá)范文的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來(lái)指導(dǎo)英語(yǔ)寫作教學(xué)和高考書面表達(dá)的復(fù)習(xí)，并以此來(lái)評(píng)價(jià)學(xué)生的書面表達(dá)水平，對(duì)于高三書面表達(dá)復(fù)習(xí)效率的提升和學(xué)生寫作能力的提高有實(shí)際意義。

◇責(zé)任編輯 邱 艷◇