靚麗語言，體現(xiàn)細(xì)節(jié)魅力

彭文國

【問題導(dǎo)讀】

讀后續(xù)寫的根本是講述故事。故事的講述需要設(shè)定主題，需要有好的情節(jié)來表達(dá)主題。而要有效地傳達(dá)主旨，完美地表達(dá)情節(jié)，最終還是要落實(shí)語言的運(yùn)用。沒有貼切的、富有情感的語言，就不能有效地表達(dá)情節(jié)。從中國學(xué)生的英語學(xué)習(xí)情況來看，讀懂原文并根據(jù)作者的主題思想設(shè)置情節(jié)都沒有很大的問題。我們最大的問題在于詞匯量匱乏，不能很好地表達(dá)自己的思想。那么，什么樣的語言是有效的語言呢？我們?nèi)绾尾拍苷莆沼行У恼Z言呢？

【名師導(dǎo)學(xué)】

1. 續(xù)寫的用詞要和原文保持一致，包括詞匯的風(fēng)格、色彩、語氣、結(jié)構(gòu)等。因此，我們在續(xù)寫時要對原文有深刻的理解和感受。高考試題的原文大都來自外刊，但是都經(jīng)過特別的改編，適用于中國的高中生。具體來說，其用詞一般都是在3，500個單詞之內(nèi)。因此，我們續(xù)寫的用詞都要在這個范圍之內(nèi)。不過分追求“高大上”的生澀單詞，以免和原文脫節(jié)。

因此，在平時的學(xué)習(xí)和練習(xí)中，我們對原文要特別重視。在動手續(xù)寫之前，我們要對原文的用詞有深刻的理解。最好對原文的用詞進(jìn)行歸納匯總，如，心理描寫、動作描寫等。這樣我們就會對原文有更清晰的認(rèn)識。

2. 積累豐富的詞匯素材。只有掌握了豐富的詞匯，我們才能在寫作中游刃有余，才能充分表達(dá)原文中作者設(shè)定的思想情感和主旨。語言是很感性的，讀的文章多了，我們就自然會產(chǎn)生“書卷氣”，就有了表達(dá)的自信。

我們也可以主動地去系統(tǒng)性地形成自己的詞匯庫。我們可以有意識地去建立一個比較清晰的詞匯網(wǎng)絡(luò)。如，描述心理的詞匯，包括開心、生氣、激動、緊張等情緒的表達(dá)。再如，表示動作的詞匯，包括各種各樣的說、各種各樣的走、各種各樣的看，等等。有了豐富的詞匯積累，我們在表達(dá)時就會更從容，表達(dá)也會更貼切。

3. 寫作用詞要恰當(dāng)、順暢、達(dá)義。不要刻意追求用詞的“生冷”，更不要根據(jù)某部詞典的漢語釋義而輕易地用詞。我們的用詞要符合語境，符合原文用詞的色彩。

【案例導(dǎo)引】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

A couple of months before I started high school， my parents gave me the greatest gift any teenage boy could ask for： a cellphone. I lived on that cellphone all summer with my face buried in its screen. I texted every friend who was lucky enough to have a cellphone. I ignored my family and my surroundings. Being connected was more important than being present.

So you can imagine my displeasure when I learned what my dad had planned for our family vacation that year. “This year，” my dad said， “well be doing something special. Were going camping！” His excitement met with a disappointed sigh. It wasnt my dream vacation， and I remained unbothered throughout the packing and planning. My mind was on my cellphone. I was so buried in the screen， in fact， that the first time I could remember truly looking up was when we drove across a bridge on the way to our campsite.

I stared out the window and saw redwoods towering above us， their branches threatening to pierce （刺破） the blue sky. I saw a roaring river， with slivers of silky black water appearing between crashing white rapids. The air blowing into the car from the open windows was hot and smell?ed of pine. But none of that mattered to me. The reason why I had looked up was for something far more serious： my cellphone no longer had service.

The last hour of the drive was increasingly tense. My dad announced that he had chosen a campsite that had no cellphone service， and that my cellphone would be useless until we returned home. I would be trapped in the forest for four days with no way to contact the outside world！ I went through the full cycle of teenage emotions during the first day of the trip. I raged （發(fā)怒）. I bargained. I begged. I flip?flopped （轉(zhuǎn)變） from a depressive state to anger.

I went to bed angrily that night. But when I awoke in the morning， something had changed.

注意：

1. 所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右;

2. 續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Paragraph 1：

Instead of burying myself in my cellphone， I focused on something else： my surroundings.

Paragraph 2：

The following days passed in a flash with many fun activities.

一、原文故事的基本要素

[基本要素][who] [my father， I] [when] [during a camp vacation][what] [I was addicted to my cellphone and ignored my family and surroundings.]

二、原文故事的情節(jié)發(fā)展

[1. My parents bought me a cellphone just before my high school.] [2. I quickly got addicted to the cellphone and forgot everything around me.] [3. My father announced that our family would go out camping during the vacation.] [4. I was really disappointed at the plan because I just wanted to stay with the cellphone.] [5. During the journey I just focused on my cellphone except the short moment when my cellphone was out of service.] [6. I was even angry when I knew we would stay in a campsite that had no cellphone service.] [情節(jié)發(fā)展]

三、原文故事中的巧妙用詞

1. I lived on that cellphone all summer with my face buried in its screen. 此處用了動詞詞組lived on和介詞詞組with my face buried in its screen。文章在此處主要是為了表達(dá)“我”對手機(jī)的沉迷。而lived on和buried in非常貼切地表現(xiàn)了“我”沉迷于手機(jī)的情景。

2. Being connected was more important than being present. 此句意為“（在手機(jī)上的）聯(lián)系遠(yuǎn)比在場（的人或環(huán)境）重要得多”。這里用動名詞作主語和介詞賓語，形象地表現(xiàn)了當(dāng)時作者沉迷于手機(jī)的狀況。

3. His excitement met with a disappointed sigh. 本句用了兩個名詞，對比了“我”和父親的兩種態(tài)度：父親是excitement，而“我”是disappointed sigh。

4. But none of that mattered to me. 此句意為“但是這一切都與我無關(guān)”。本句用了matter，非常形象地表現(xiàn)了作者當(dāng)時對窗外景色的漠視，仍然沉迷于手機(jī)的狀態(tài)。

四、續(xù)寫故事的設(shè)計(jì)與語言運(yùn)用

續(xù)寫第一段的段首句是“Instead of burying myself in my cellphone， I focused on something else： my surroundings.”。根據(jù)段首句的提示，本段要重點(diǎn)描述“我”看到的周圍環(huán)境的情況。對我們而言，理解故事情節(jié)不是很難，最重要的是要用合適的、精巧的語言描寫環(huán)境。選擇的詞匯要既能展示環(huán)境的優(yōu)美，又能表現(xiàn)“我”發(fā)現(xiàn)了周圍環(huán)境的美之后的心境變化。此處可以有對自然環(huán)境和聲音的描述，可以有對動植物的描述，同時要體現(xiàn)“我”的心情的變化。

在自然環(huán)境方面，我們可以用the sweet air、the pure sky、the charming valley、the murmuring of running water、the beautiful sound of the wilderness、the birds and bugs creating a magic world、both loud and peaceful等。這些詞看上去很常見，但是充分表現(xiàn)了自然之美，可以很好地展示自然的力量，為“我”的心情的轉(zhuǎn)變做好鋪墊。而在心情的變化上，我們也要注意用詞的遞進(jìn)，確切地表達(dá)“我”的心情的變化，如anger、peace、interest、enjoy、excitement、full satisfaction.

續(xù)寫第二段的段首句是“The following days passed in a flash with many fun activities.”。續(xù)寫第一段主要是對靜態(tài)的自然之美的描述。而根據(jù)續(xù)寫第二段的段首句可知，本段主要描述的是人物的動態(tài)活動。我們可以在續(xù)寫第一段對靜態(tài)美的描述的基礎(chǔ)上，在“我”的心態(tài)發(fā)生了變化的前提下，進(jìn)行動態(tài)的描述。動作用詞可以有hike、swim、fish等。同時可以有對具體的細(xì)節(jié)活動的描述，如climb the mountain with a light heart、 watch the birds with a peaceful mind、start a fire、cook delicious and special meals、 laugh happily、share stories、watch stars、observe flowers and butterflies等。這一切都為最后成功地表達(dá)“我”深深地感受到了這次野營的美好做好了準(zhǔn)備。

【范文欣賞】

Paragraph 1：

Instead of burying myself in my cellphone， I focused on something else： my surroundings. I heard the beautiful sound of the wilderness. I heard the birds and bugs creating a magic world that was both loud and peaceful at the same time. My anger gradually turned to peace， then little interest and， finally， excitement. Standing on the high campsite， I felt the weight of stress melt from my shoulders as I viewed the vast land that unfolded below me. The beautiful and touching sight that met my startled eyes nearly took my breath away. For the first time， I thought camping in a place that had no cellphone service might not be so bad but a really enjoyable experience.

Paragraph 2：

The following days passed in a flash with many fun activities. I entirely forgot about the cellphone， totally occupied myself with hiking， swimming and fishing， all the wonderful things that I had never thought of before. My dad and I learned how to start a fire together after several false starts. We cooked together and I ate the sweetest marshmallows I had ever tasted. Dad told me stories of his life， stories I had never heard or perhaps I hadnt been listening. When the weekend came to an end， I realized I hadnt thought of my cellphone once. I hadnt felt the need to be connected to anywhere else. It dawned on me that what mattered most was the time I was sharing with just my father and nature.

【模擬導(dǎo)練】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

“OK， everybody. Its that time of year，” said my science teacher， Mr Beal. “This Friday well have the annual Egg Drop Challenge. Bring your best containers to class. You can work alone or work together.”

Mr Beals fifth?grade Egg Drop Challenge was an institution at my school. The goal of the Challenge was simple—you had to build a protective container to keep an egg from breaking when dropping onto the stadium ground.

My best friend， Cassie， and I grinned at each other. We always worked on pro?jects together. Shes brainy; Im creative. Were the perfect combination， like peanut butter and marshmallow cream， which happens to be my favorite kind of sandwiches.

I made my favorite sandwich that afternoon while waiting for Cassie to come over and work on the container. Spreading the fluffy marshmallow cream gave me an idea.

“I have a brilliant design for our egg container！” I said when Cassie arrived. She looked at me eagerly. “We can cushion it with some marshmallow cream. You know， to absorb the shock of the impact，” I explained. “Youve got to be kidding， Laura，” Cassie exclaimed. “You have a better idea？” I said. Cassie pointed to a sketch in her notebook. “Actually， I do. We put the egg in a basket with a parachute attached. It will simply float to safety.” “Its too easy for something to go wrong. It will never work！” I said. Cassie rolled her eyes， “The parachute is better than that stupid idea.”

I couldnt believe it. Of course， wed had our little fights in the past， but this was different. Shed never called any of my ideas “stupid” before. “Then Ill build mine and you build yours， and well just see whose is better.” “Fine！” Cassie threw her notebook into her backpack and stor?med out. And just like that， our friendship was broken. Like an egg dropped from the top of a stadium without marshmallow cream to protect it.

注意：

1. 所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右;

2. 續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Paragraph 1：

When Friday finally came， I had to admit that Cassies Egg Force One looked pretty good.

Paragraph 2：

By the fourth round， only Cassie and I were left.

【評價導(dǎo)思】

1. 請歸納總結(jié)本文中使用的有關(guān)心理描寫的詞匯。

2. 文章中使用了哪些動作描寫的精彩詞匯？

3. 對比你的文章和范文，你有哪些詞匯方面的收獲？