Wish 愿望

琳達(dá)·博斯特倫·克瑙斯高 馮環(huán)

I have a wish. Its an exceptional wish. But I want you2 to listen.

I want you to give me what Im asking you for. Sit down. Youve come because I called for you. Im grateful for that.

Im having trouble with my faith. Im scared all the time. Im scared now. Can you tell？ Ill say this3 briefly. I want you to promise me that theyll live. The children. My husband.4 I want them to live. Nothing must happen to them.

You know what Im talking about. It has to stop.5 I cant protect them anymore. I cant stay awake like this. I need to lay my head down， heavily， the way I could if I knew there would be a new day tomorrow.6 The morning has to be7 clear and bright. The light stirring their little bodies from sleep. You must take away the darkness forever.

Its not an easy thing to do. But its in your power.

Let me tell you about the children. Let me describe them to you， so you can see them. So you know who they are inside. You wouldnt want to harm them if you knew them like I do.

There they are. There we all are， together. At the table in the kitchen. See how they struggle. Theyre so small and already they struggle. See the darkness over them. They feel it. But they dont know what it is. Thats our eldest daughter beside me. Can you see her thin arms in her nightdress8？ The way she holds the buttered bread in her hand？

Her sisters sitting opposite. Shes drinking milk from her sippy cup9. Her movements are filled with her very own joy. Often， she skips when she walks or runs. Her strong little body is bursting with energy. My husband is sitting next to her. Hes reading the newspaper. Drinking his coffee. Our youngest is just a year old. Hes eating porridge with his fingers. His pajamas are covered in it. Porridge， milk， and jam.

You must leave us alone. You dont need us the way we need each other.

Ill tell you their names. Malin is the eldest， then comes Anna and then Johannes. They look like each other. Can you see？ I pour the cocoa10 into their cups. I want to warm them from inside. Its raining outside. Were scared in different ways. Malin pulls at her nightdress， sucks on the sleeve until its rumpled and wet. She has night terrors. Thats what its called when you wake up screaming in the night. Theres no comforting her. Her body turns stiff with fear. Her eyes stare， but she isnt really awake. She wants me to lie beside her all through the night. I have to be next to the wall and she by the edge. Next to the wall is dangerous， she says. I tell her it isnt. Yes， it is， Mummy， she says. Its dangerous， Mummy. Dont you know？

Shes only four years old. Everything shows in her face. When she plays， its like she isnt doing what shes doing. She isnt drawing when she sits at the table with her crayons and paper. Shes playing at drawing. When her crayon11 draws a line， shes pretending that shes someone drawing. She plays at being a little girl drawing a sun， a boat， a snail. Shes always a step removed from the things she does. As if there were no way in for her. As if the world were closed and she were left outside. We all feel like that. We cant find our way in to the things we do. Only in our feelings for each other do we stand in the middle with our arms around each other.12

Can you see how straight she sits？ The forward curve13 of her shoulders？ Shes asking me a question with her eyes and I cant answer. Do you understand how that feels？

Anna is sturdier. Theres no better word. Shes in charge of herself. Youd have your work cut out with her.14 But dont try anything. Her happiness is her own. Everything shes done， shes done by herself. She instills joy in everyone she meets. Her laughter goes straight to the best in people. In everyone. Thats the way she is. I wonder if she feels like a stranger here.

Johannes is so small. His little body rolling about in the bed. Perhaps things are easiest for him. You know my husband， of course. You know all about him. His ambitions and his extraordinary will. The way he can persevere. He resists you in a way you never thought possible. Is he the hardest for you to abandon？15

Look at each one of us in turn. All five of us around the table. Soon， the girls will slip from their chairs. They never linger at the table. They want to watch a movie. They sprawl on big cushions and watch the same movies again and again. They look at life and the families they see on TV. The way they hike in the woods， shake their mats， scrub their floors， swim in the lakes. It looks like life， but ours isnt like that.

I dont know if it can be changed. But Im going to try. With all my strength， Ill try. Youre not coming back here. Youre leaving us now， because Im telling you to. This is goodbye. Dont ever forget.16

我有個(gè)愿望。那是個(gè)不同尋常的愿望。但我想讓你聽聽。

我想讓你賜給我我在向你祈求的東西。坐下吧。我喊你來，你就來了。我對此是感激的。

我的信仰正在動(dòng)搖。我一直在害怕。我此刻就很害怕。你能看出來嗎？我簡單說說我的愿望。我想讓你向我許諾他們都會(huì)活下去。孩子們。我的丈夫。我想讓他們都活著。他們絕不能有事。

你是聽得懂我在說什么的。那可要住手了。我無法再保護(hù)他們了。我無法像現(xiàn)在這樣保持清醒了。我需將頭埋下，沉沉地——假如我心里知道明日將有新的一天到來，我就能這樣做。那個(gè)早晨得是清澈明朗的。陽光將把他們小小的身子從睡夢中攪醒。你必須永遠(yuǎn)地帶走黑暗。

這不是一件容易做的事。但這是你能力所及的。

讓我跟你講講孩子們吧。讓我向你描述一下他們吧，這樣你就可以看到他們了。由此你也就能了解他們的內(nèi)在了。你要是像我一樣了解他們，就不會(huì)想去傷害他們了。

他們在那兒。我們?nèi)荚谀莾?，正聚在一起。就坐在廚房里的餐桌旁?？纯此麄兪窃鯓訏暝陌?。他們的個(gè)子還那樣小，但他們已經(jīng)在掙扎了?？纯茨腔\罩著他們的黑暗吧。他們感覺到了。但他們還不知道那是什么。在我旁邊的是我的大女兒。你能看清她睡袍下那兩只瘦小的胳膊嗎？還有她手里攥著黃油面包的樣子？

她的妹妹坐在對面。在用一只兒童吸水杯喝牛奶。她的動(dòng)作滿是她特有的那種高興勁兒。她在走或跑的時(shí)候常一蹦一跳的。她強(qiáng)壯的小小身體里充滿了活力。我丈夫坐在她旁邊看報(bào)紙，喝咖啡。而我們最小的孩子才剛一歲大。他在用手指掏粥吃。他的睡衣沾滿了粥——除了粥，還有牛奶和果醬。

你不要來打擾我們。我們需要彼此，而你并不需要我們。

我要告訴你他們的名字?，斄帐抢洗?，然后是安娜，再然后是約翰內(nèi)斯。他們彼此樣貌相像。你能看到嗎？我把熱可可倒進(jìn)了他們的杯子里。我想讓他們從里到外暖和起來。外面正下著雨。我們表現(xiàn)害怕的方式各不相同。馬林扯著她的睡袍，吮吸袖子，弄得那袖子又皺又濕。她患有夜驚癥。就是那種夜里驚叫著醒來的癥狀。實(shí)在是沒法兒安慰她的。她的身體會(huì)因恐懼而變得僵硬。她的眼睛雖瞪著，但她并未真正醒過來。她想讓我整夜都躺在她身邊。我得靠著墻睡，而她則要挨著床邊睡。她說，靠著墻很危險(xiǎn)。我告訴她并不危險(xiǎn)。不，不是的，媽媽，她又說。是危險(xiǎn)的，媽媽。你不知道嗎？

她才四歲大。樣樣事情都寫在臉上。她在玩耍的時(shí)候，就仿佛她并沒有投入其中。她雖然拿了蠟筆和紙坐在桌旁，可并沒有在畫畫。她只是裝著在畫畫。而當(dāng)她手中的蠟筆畫出一條線時(shí)，她是在裝作一個(gè)正在畫畫的人。她在扮演一個(gè)畫太陽、小船、蝸牛的小女孩。她總是離自己所做的事有一步之遙。似乎沒有入口可以讓她走進(jìn)去。就好像世界關(guān)閉了，她被留在了外面。我們都有這種感覺。我們都找不到進(jìn)入自己所做之事的入口。只有在我們彼此關(guān)愛這件事上，我們才身處其中，用雙臂環(huán)抱著彼此。

她坐得多直，肩膀向前探著，你能看到嗎？她正在用眼睛問我一個(gè)問題，而我卻答不上來。你理解那種感受嗎？

安娜就要皮實(shí)些了。沒有比這更好的詞了。她能照管好自己。你要帶走她可不容易。但還是不要試著這樣做了。她的快樂都是她自己的。她所做的一切，都是靠她自己。她把歡樂灌注給了她所遇見的每一個(gè)人。她的笑聲直達(dá)人們的內(nèi)心深處。進(jìn)入每個(gè)人心里。她就是這樣子的。我疑心她會(huì)覺得自己在這里像個(gè)陌生人。

約翰內(nèi)斯則太小了。他的小小身子在床上滾來滾去。也許世事對他來說是最容易的。當(dāng)然，你認(rèn)識我丈夫。你對他了如指掌。他的雄心和他非凡的意志。他那不屈不撓的樣子。他在以一種你認(rèn)為絕不可能的方式反抗你。他是你最難以拋下的人嗎？

依次看看我們每個(gè)人吧。我們五人圍坐在桌旁。很快，女孩們就會(huì)從椅子上溜下來。她們從不在桌旁逗留。她們想去看電影。她們攤開手腳靠坐在大軟墊上，一遍又一遍地看同樣的電影。她們看著電視里的生活和家庭?？茨切┤巳绾卧诹种羞h(yuǎn)足，如何抖墊子、擦地板，如何在湖里游泳。那看起來才像是生活，但我們的生活卻不是那樣。

我不知道這是否可以改變。但我要試一試。盡我全力，我將一試。你就不要再回這里來了。你現(xiàn)在就離開我們吧，我都在喊你離開了。這可是道別。永遠(yuǎn)不要忘了。? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?□

（譯者為“《英語世界》杯”翻譯大賽獲獎(jiǎng)?wù)?單位：中鐵科研院）

1瑞典作家、詩人。她曾患過嚴(yán)重的躁郁癥，試圖自殺，并被送入精神病院，這篇文章可能取材于上述經(jīng)歷。原文是用瑞典語寫的，后被人翻譯成英語。

2這篇小說充滿“囈語”，you可能是指“死神”或“命運(yùn)之神”之類的神靈。

3 this應(yīng)該是指“愿望”而非“恐懼”。

4因?yàn)槭恰皣艺Z”，所以原文句子很短，譯文也按原文采用句號，后文中類似情況不再作注。

5可能是想讓神靈住手，不要傷害她的家人。

6可能是她想安然死去，而之所以安然，是因?yàn)橹兰胰硕紝⒁姷矫魅盏牡絹?，即不?huì)一同死去。

7她在向神靈提要求，是很強(qiáng)硬的愿望訴求，所以用的是has to be，和后面的must也是對應(yīng)的。

8用“睡袍”和“睡衣”來區(qū)分文中的nightdress和pajamas。

9嬰幼兒用的帶吸嘴的杯子。

10用可可粉做的熱飲。

11前面用的是復(fù)數(shù)，表示她桌上蠟筆不止一支，而這里用單數(shù)則指她手里拿的那支。

12是指他們只有在彼此關(guān)愛這件事上，才能找到“入口”走進(jìn)去。

13 curve指曲線，這里加forward，可能表示她在問問題時(shí)，肩膀向前一傾，探著身子。

14 have your work cut out面臨艱巨的任務(wù)。這里是說安娜比瑪琳身體強(qiáng)壯些，文中提到的“死神”或“命運(yùn)之神”要帶走安娜并不容易。

15可能是說神靈想將他帶離人間，但他卻意志堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，奮力反抗，使神靈未能如愿。所以神靈才拋不下他，想纏著他，將他帶走。

16她似乎又有了活下去的信念，她想去改變目前的生活，帶給孩子們更好的生活。所以，在末尾她要喊神靈離開，并讓神靈永遠(yuǎn)不要忘記這是道別，以后不許再來。