雅思習作評改系列（7）：寫作要量力而行

寫作是用語言來表達思想的過程，因此其包含兩個方面：首先是思想，即寫什么，然后是表達，即怎么寫。多數(shù)老師在教寫作的過程中，都會列出一些與這兩方面相關(guān)的原則，比如思想要深刻，富有深意;語言要漂亮，富有美感。在雅思寫作教學中，很多老師則會在這些原則的基礎(chǔ)上提出更為具體的要求，比如思想要富有邏輯性，語言要富有變化性和復雜性。在寬泛意義上，這些原則并沒有錯，但問題就在于，對學生的邏輯性和復雜性的要求到底應(yīng)該達到什么程度，教師對不同學生或同一學生的各個寫作發(fā)展階段，應(yīng)該具體分析。這就是老雅認為寫作不存在統(tǒng)一教學方法的原因所在。如果對不同水平的學生粗暴地做出同樣的要求，這樣的教學不僅難以提升學生的寫作水平，反而可能阻礙學生的提高。對于雅思寫作教學，老雅的原則是：教師要因材施教，學生要量力而行。簡言之，內(nèi)容方面，學生應(yīng)該去寫能夠用語言表達清楚的思想;語言方面，學生應(yīng)該采用確保正確的詞匯和句法。思想再精妙，卻表達不清楚，語言再復雜，卻都是錯誤，這都是寫作中需要避免的常見問題。

題目

Because of traffic and housing problems in the cities， the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages？

學生習作

With the boom of economic and rapid development of urbanization， more and more people rush into the city， which expands the demand for houses of cities and supplies the traffic pressure. As a result， the housing price soared and traffic jam is heavier. So， the government encourages some business to move to the rural area， which， I think， is beneficial to solve the city problems in house and traffic.

On the one hand， there are large populations but less land resources in big cities. If some businesses move to rural area， the population of civic centre will decrease and the demand for houses of cities will fall， which can contribute to controlling the crazy housing price， and then reduce the housing pressure. As the demand falls， the housing prices are bound to go down. As for traffic， along with the people to travel to and from work decrease when the businesses move to rural area， must be improved. And businesses move to rural area will develop and use rural area’s land resources， which should expand the cities’ space. On the other hand， businesses move to rural area， which will stimulant the consumption of rural area and facilitate infrastructure construction of these places. And more important， it is advantageous to offer employment and boost the local economy.

Of course， all things invariably divide into two. Some businesses are reluctant to move to rural area because the backward infrastructure of rural area and a great variety of services are not so good， which causes people working in rural area inconvenient. It is also probably to pollute the environment the rural area.

Above all， although it is difficult for government to move some businesses to rural area are， I think it is worth implementing. Some businesses move to rural area benefits not only for the cities， but also for the rural area.

評分：5.5

總評：本題的核心問題是：城市的交通和住房壓力很大，于是政府鼓勵企業(yè)搬遷到農(nóng)村地區(qū)去，此舉是好還是壞？我們的慣性思維當然是：此舉甚好！因為企業(yè)一旦搬出城市，不僅空氣好了，交通和住房壓力都會大大地降低，同時還會帶動農(nóng)村當?shù)氐慕?jīng)濟和發(fā)展。這些都是很有道理的，但是大家可能沒有想到，當企業(yè)搬到農(nóng)村地區(qū)后，很多原來住在城市的工作人員就得往返于農(nóng)村與城市之間，同時，企業(yè)若到農(nóng)村地區(qū)，產(chǎn)品運輸也會遇到更多問題。因此，如果政府鼓勵企業(yè)搬往農(nóng)村，就應(yīng)該建立相應(yīng)的配套基礎(chǔ)設(shè)施，這樣才能既降低城市交通住房壓力，同時又保證企業(yè)正常經(jīng)營。

本習作內(nèi)容比較豐富，觀點本身沒有問題，也嘗試使用了比較大的詞匯和復雜的句型，然而，在這個過程中，該習作出現(xiàn)了很多錯誤，有些影響了內(nèi)容的理解。如果該同學使用更為簡單正確的寫作方式，6分不是問題，但由于該同學好高騖遠，使用了自己駕馭不好的方式，結(jié)果得分在5分段。

逐句修改

第1段：With the boom of economic and rapid development of urbanization， more and more people rush into the city， which expands the demand for houses of cities and supplies the traffic pressure. As a result， the housing price soared and traffic jam is heavier. So， the government encourages some business to move to the rural area， which， I think， is beneficial to solve the city problems in house and traffic.

【老雅修改】With the economic boom and rapid development of urbanisation， more and more people are now rushing into the city， which has imposed great pressure on the urban housing and traffic. As one of the solutions to this problem， the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area， which， I believe， will be very effective to solve the problem of housing and traffic in the city.

【老雅點評】 本段是開頭段，先引出話題，然后重述題目觀點，最后提出自己觀點。（1）the boom of economic是表達錯誤，宜為economic boom。（2）expands the demand for houses of cities and supplies the traffic pressure表達不清，搭配有比較大的錯誤。

第2段：On the one hand， there are large populations but less land resources in big cities. If some businesses move to rural area， the population of civic centre will decrease and the demand for houses of cities will fall， which can contribute to controlling the crazy housing price， and then reduce the housing pressure. As the demand falls， the housing prices are bound to go down. As for traffic， along with the people to travel to and from work decrease when the businesses move to rural area， must be improved. And businesses move to rural area will develop and use rural area’s land resources， which should expand the cities’ space. On the other hand， businesses move to rural area， which will stimulant the consumption of rural area and facilitate infrastructure construction of these places. And more important， it is advantageous to offer employment and boost the local economy.

【老雅修改】 On the one hand， most big cities are often very crowded with large population and limited resources. If some factories move to the countryside， there will be fewer people living in the city， then with the housing pressure reduced， the housing prices will surely go down. Meanwhile， the urban traffic will also improve because the number of commuters to and from work every day is now smaller. On the other hand， businesses moving to rural area will stimulate the consumption and facilitate infrastructure in this area in addition to offering employment opportunities to the local people.

【老雅點評】本段論述企業(yè)搬往鄉(xiāng)村地區(qū)的好處，包括緩解城市住房和交通壓力，以及促進當?shù)亟?jīng)濟發(fā)展。習作中大小錯誤不少，且行文啰唆，影響了質(zhì)量。（1）less很莫名其妙，因為這里沒有比較的意思。中國學生經(jīng)常不恰當?shù)厥褂帽容^級，老雅認為，這也是不講規(guī)矩的漢語語法惹的禍，比如，我們經(jīng)常這樣說“我現(xiàn)在比較忙”，這句話中的“比較”根本沒有比較的對象，其實就是表達一種程度。（2）civic centre不是城市中心（city center， downtown area），而是行政意義上的“市政中心”。（3）As for traffic， along with the people to travel to and from work decrease when the businesses move to rural area， must be improved. 這句也是無規(guī)矩漢語語法造成的惡果，其漢語原文是：至于交通，當企業(yè)搬到鄉(xiāng)村，隨著（along with）上下班的人減少，也一定能改進。直譯出來的英語令人哭笑不得。as for traffic是狀語，那么must be improved的主語是什么？誰must be improved？有人說，主語是traffic，那老雅請問：traffic在哪里？我們看到的只有作狀語的as for traffic！這就是英語和漢語的區(qū)別，漢語非常靈活，可意會（這里的主語是traffic），卻不需要語法形式（不需要把traffic放在主語位置），我們在英語寫作中一定要克服漢語的“無主句”影響，每一句話都要有明確的主語。（4）And businesses move to rural area will develop and use rural area’s land resources， which should expand the cities’ space. 這句是無規(guī)矩漢語語法的又一碩果，其漢語是這樣的：企業(yè)搬到鄉(xiāng)村會發(fā)展和使用鄉(xiāng)村的土地資源，這會擴大城市空間。漢語這樣寫完全沒有問題，但英語直接翻譯過來而不進行形式變化，那就是錯誤的。這句主語是“企業(yè)搬到鄉(xiāng)村”，但不能直接寫成businesses move to rural area，因為這是個完整句子，它不可能作另外一個句子的主語，可以修改為主語從句“That businesses move to rural area will...”，或者動名詞短語“businesses moving to rural area will...”。僅在這一段，習作就犯下了三宗罪，而每宗都與學生被漢語影響而不考慮英語語法有關(guān)。這類問題的解決辦法是：簡化思維，一句句寫，不要試圖把很多內(nèi)容灌進一個句子里。漢語有個特點，可以不管不顧地把很多內(nèi)容放在一個句子中，但在英語中，我們往往需要把這些內(nèi)容進行拆分表達，同時注意語法形式。

第3段：Of course， all things invariably divide into two. Some businesses are reluctant to move to rural area because the backward infrastructure of rural area and a great variety of services are not so good， which causes people working in rural area inconvenient. It is also probably to pollute the environment of the rural area.

【老雅修改】However， some problems may arise if companies move to the countryside. One problem is that the rural area is generally backward in transportation and communication system， which may cause a lot of inconveniences for companies. Besides， once many manufacturing factories rush to the rural area， the peace and quiet of the area will be immediately disrupted and a lot of environmental and social issues will then follow.

【老雅點評】本段講企業(yè)搬到鄉(xiāng)村地區(qū)的不利之處，包括落后的基礎(chǔ)設(shè)施以及服務(wù)，甚至包括可能造成對鄉(xiāng)村地區(qū)的污染等。習作的意思都表達到了，但語法錯誤甚多，連貫性差。（1）... all things invariably divide into two. 這句不知所云，似乎想說 “所有事情必然要一分為二”。這就是漢語的影響。還有很多同學喜歡用“Every coin has two sides.”，這句雖然沒錯，比習作的那句要更正確，但是這樣的固定用語被用得太多，以至于讓人生厭了。建議烤鴨們不要使用這樣的“死”習語，直截了當?shù)乇磉_自己想要說的內(nèi)容，不是更好嗎？（2）...， which causes people working in rural area inconvenient.確信這句正確嗎？cause people inconvenient是想說“給人們帶來不方便”？正確的說法是“cause inconveniences for people”?。?）最后一句“It is also probably to pollute the environment of the rural area.”中， it指代什么？本句的時態(tài)“it is... to pollute...”是將來時嗎？是不是寫成it may pollute the environment會更加清晰？老雅有時候真的很困惑，我們的學生可以用那么大的詞匯，但是在句型和語法方面為什么就那么一塌糊涂呢？這也許是因為很多同學一開始就認為，學英語就是背單詞，從而忽略了閱讀的重要性。老雅的觀點是：真正要提高英語寫作水平，必然建立在大量閱讀基礎(chǔ)上！

第4段：Above all， although it is difficult for government to move some businesses to rural area are， I think it is worth implementing. Some businesses move to rural area benefits not only for the cities， but also for the rural area.

【老雅修改】Although there may be transportation， communication and environment problems if businesses move to the country area， I believe it is worth trying because it is a good way to solve the traffic and housing problems in the city on the one hand and improve the rural economy on the other.

【老雅點評】本段為總結(jié)段。習作原文雖然總結(jié)了，也表達了自己的觀點，但沒有將前面討論的關(guān)鍵詞提出來，顯得比較空泛。比如最后一句，“Some businesses move to rural area benefits not only for the cities， but also for the rural area.”，先拋開其語法錯誤不說（參見第2段評析中），它作為結(jié)尾句就顯得尤其空洞，我們禁不住要問：企業(yè)搬到農(nóng)村不僅對城市有利，對農(nóng)村也有利，但是到底有哪些利？因此，老雅將這句具體化為：... it is a good way to solve the traffic and housing problems in the city on the one hand and improve the rural economy on the other. 這樣，就將前面的討論全部總結(jié)出來了。很多同學不會寫結(jié)尾段，其實結(jié)尾段蠻重要的，是畫龍點睛的地方，不能過于隨意。

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