不要閉上雙眼

文/雨果·迪亞斯（Hugo Diaz） 譯/孫夢琪

眨眼間，你會錯過一個新的商場、公寓大樓或一些其他的建筑。轉(zhuǎn)過身后，當(dāng)你再次面對這個城市時，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)一個全新的地鐵系統(tǒng)和擴展的公路。小睡一下，當(dāng)你醒來的時候，你可能會以為你在一個新的城市。

這里的人們稱石家莊是一個小城市，這實在是太瘋狂了，如果在美國，這座城市會被認(rèn)為是一個相當(dāng)大的城市。有時候這座城市發(fā)展的速度有點驚人，這讓我感覺好像我已經(jīng)完全落后了。但在其他時候，因為這里有很多潛在的機會，我又開始變得無限樂觀。說一個老笑話——石家莊只有三類建筑物，正在建設(shè)中的建筑物、剛剛建成的建筑物和即將開工的地段！

在哪里開始？

實際上，一開始我沒有選擇去往石家莊。 但河北省與美國艾奧瓦州存在姐妹城市關(guān)系，而我選擇了艾奧瓦州的得梅因，所以我最終留在了石家莊。

一開始我也沒有選擇當(dāng)老師。但我需要找到一個實際的謀生手段來支持自己在中國一年的生活。我的大學(xué)幫助我找到一份教授英語的職業(yè)。也因此，我擁有了一個絕佳的機會去探索這個有吸引力的文化和國家。

我的第一堂課并不十分緊張，這是個意外之喜。

本文作者（后排中）與學(xué)生在一起

我覺得自己已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備好上課了，我十分清楚我想要講什么，我知道我想對學(xué)生說什么，而且我做好了供我參考的筆記。我并不緊張，這對我來說是一個驚喜。至少我當(dāng)時還不緊張。我決定進入教室，以便在正式授課開始之前能夠有機會見到一些學(xué)生。我以為提早15—20分鐘就足夠了。而我錯了！我7點40分到達那里（上課時間到8點才開始），但是每個學(xué)生都已經(jīng)在教室里了。這把我弄糊涂了，突然之間，我開始感到有些不安，然后，教室里看到我的同學(xué)們突然發(fā)出了吃驚的噓聲，隨后在那里交頭接耳。我抬頭看了看課堂，至少有90%的學(xué)生都敬畏地看著我。我趕緊看向自己的包，然后從包里拿出筆記?；旧?，我漫無目的地翻閱我的筆記，試圖讓自己看起來像是在忙。我注意到我的雙手在哆嗦，坐在教室前面的幾個學(xué)生好像也注意到這一點。我看了看時間，7點50分。我開始后悔這么早來上課了，我該怎么做才能度過這十分鐘呢？

就這樣我開始了在中國當(dāng)老師的生活，不過或許還應(yīng)該再往前回溯一點點。

消除恐懼

當(dāng)我剛到中國時，我的航班降落在北京。已經(jīng)是晚上了，所以我沒有看到太多東西。我只記得在一家街頭小飯館里吃面條。以我當(dāng)時沒有多少經(jīng)驗的眼光看來，那家飯館看起來有些陰暗。一直停留在我腦海里有關(guān)那一天的情景是一群光膀子的年輕男人坐在一起抽煙喝啤酒。也許這不是中國給我的最好的第一印象，但由于某種原因，這反而讓我感覺更舒服了一點。在我來之前，我真的不知道會發(fā)生些什么。之前我擔(dān)心這會是一個由于負擔(dān)太重而不能好好享受生活的地方，但眼前這些人明顯是在放松和享受生活。這一幕消除了我的恐懼。

在去往石家莊前，我只在北京花了幾個小時昏昏沉沉地倒時差。前往石家莊的時間是第二天的凌晨，而整個去石家莊的旅程就像是一種朦朧的半夢半醒的夢境。我?guī)缀醪徽f話，只是凝視窗外，觀察周圍的環(huán)境。我有太多的東西要去接受和正確理解，而我無比疲憊的頭腦和身體卻似乎仍然滯留在美國，還沒有趕上所在地，這讓一切變得更為艱難。但我唯一肯定的是，我現(xiàn)在的感覺是不完整和倉促的，并且我確定只要有機會，我會再次重游北京。

這個機會來得很快，因為一個月后就是國慶節(jié)。

火車站

我和一名中國朋友菲戈，決定到北京旅行。我們必須提前十天到車站購買火車票。在火車站附近有額外的警力負責(zé)處理聚集的人群，這些人們著急買票，互相推搡。

當(dāng)值班人員突然宣布要休息20分鐘這一消息時，局面變得更加不穩(wěn)定。我當(dāng)時本能的內(nèi)心獨白如下：“認(rèn)真的？為什么所有的工作人員要同時去休息？就沒有輪換機制，可以讓他們合理的輪班并且服務(wù)不會完全中斷，這樣不是更好嗎？”對于這一事宜可能有非常合理的解釋，例如系統(tǒng)故障或差錯或者其他一些什么，但是不要試圖向排隊的人解釋其合理性，尤其當(dāng)這個不耐煩、焦躁、不安又局促的人已經(jīng)在排隊中掙扎了許久。在這種事態(tài)升級的情況下，你唯一能令人振奮的話語就是你們已經(jīng)重新開始工作了，然而即便這樣，他們的憤怒也不會立即或完全消散。

在這期間，沒有車票出售，并且我們不得不站在原地以避免失去在隊伍中的位置。很多人近距離擠在周圍，這讓人感到又熱又悶。在休息的期間，我能聽到周圍人的抱怨，顯然對于休息這件事每個人都感到不高興。與我們同行的另一位外國教師對于試圖越過我們插進隊伍的某人感到相當(dāng)?shù)膼阑?。我真的不怪他，因為這種行為確實令人生氣。我記得他說過，如果再有人試圖越過他，他已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備好對其實施“野蠻”行為。我想當(dāng)我沒有說任何話來支持他或肯定他內(nèi)在的憤怒時，他一定感覺很糟，但是這是我會做的事情。我不怎么抱怨，有時我不怎么講話，我只是靜靜地觀察并感知發(fā)生在我周圍的事情。

我和菲戈買到了去北京的車票，然而不走運的是，另外那位教師因為意料之外的價格波動沒有買到他想要的票。因為票價比他起初預(yù)期的要高很多，所以他那時沒有買。由于他要為同他一起旅行的一群人買票，他不確定每個人會補給他差價，或者，當(dāng)了解了“新”票價后，他們是否還想去旅行，所以他不能作決定。他打了一會兒電話，旅行團中的其他人說他們會到火車站來了解下情況并一起作新的決定。他深吸了一口氣，然后離開了隊伍?，F(xiàn)在他臉上的憤怒和沮喪已經(jīng)不見了。然而，我知道他已經(jīng)在瀕臨爆發(fā)的邊緣，所以當(dāng)其他人一到，我和菲戈就很快就離開了。

40年前的我們很有可能沒有意識到有其他的選項。以火車站買票的例子而言，我現(xiàn)在知道有很多散布在城市中的小型火車票售票點。但是我不知道當(dāng)時是否存在這種選擇。網(wǎng)上訂票？我沒有對事實進行驗證，但是我對于那時是否有這一選項表示懷疑。并且，我周圍的人對上網(wǎng)并沒有太多經(jīng)驗。那時學(xué)生們普遍沒有筆記本電腦。智能手機？別想了，很多學(xué)生甚至連普通的手機都沒有。所以，基本上，即便存在網(wǎng)上系統(tǒng)，我們可能在當(dāng)時不知道有這么一種選擇并且我們可能不會使用網(wǎng)上訂票的程序。最可能的結(jié)果是我們花費了很多的時間來弄清楚工作原理，卻只是徒勞地得出結(jié)論：網(wǎng)上訂票不可行，最后仍然需要去火車站并忍受糟糕的排隊。

即使上網(wǎng)的問題解決了，但這只意味著是時候開始處理下一問題了，這是個沒完沒了的過程。上網(wǎng)買票需要銀行賬戶。我那時還沒有銀行賬戶。因為復(fù)雜的文件工作——我還在等待批準(zhǔn)，仍然需要向銀行提交一些補充文件。所以我當(dāng)時只能現(xiàn)金交易。這意味著我當(dāng)時要進行更仔細的計劃和預(yù)算工作。我需要計劃出足夠的現(xiàn)金以供花銷，但又不要太多。當(dāng)時很少有地方能接受信用卡或儲蓄卡消費，對于這件事我記得我腦子里有過少許的抱怨。我在當(dāng)時即使有銀行卡也可能用不了，所以，我有沒有賬戶也就不那么重要了。幸好，如今我們有了微信和智能手機。［雨果·迪亞斯（Hugo Diaz），特立尼達和多巴哥國籍，畢業(yè)于德雷克大學(xué)的精算學(xué)專業(yè)，并取得了工商管理學(xué)士學(xué)位，現(xiàn)任石家莊貝思國際英語學(xué)校副校長］

Blink and you’ll miss the construction of a new mall,apartment complex or some other building. Turn your back, and when you face the city again you’ll find an entire new metro system and expanded highways. Take a nap, and by the time you wake up, you might think you’re in a new city.

It’s crazy that people here call Shijiazhuang a small city, whereas in the US this would rank as a fairly large city. Sometimes it is scary how quickly things have moved and it feels as though I’ve been completely left behind. At other times I’m filled with unlimited optimism due to so many potential opportunities here.To paraphrase an old joke-Shijiazhuang only has three types of buildings; buildings that are currently under construction; buildings that were just constructed and freshly demolished lots where construction is about to begin!

WHERE TO BEGIN?

Technically I didn’t choose Shijiazhuang. I chose Des Moines, Iowa and ended up in Shijiazhuang due to the sister state relationship between Hebei province and Iowa.

I didn’t choose to be a teacher. I chose to find a practical way to support myself in China for a year and ended up teaching English because my university afforded me this golden opportunity to explore this attractive culture and country.

I didn’t chose to be nervous during my first class; like many things in life, it just happened.

I thought I was well prepared for class, I knew exactly what I wanted to cover, I knew what I wanted to say to the students, and I had notes that I could refer to. I was not nervous, which was a surprise to me; well atleast I was not nervous as yet. I decided to try to get to class early so that I could hopefully meet some of the students before class began. I figured 15 to 20 minutes early would be sufficient. Wrong! I got there at 7:40(class was not scheduled to begin until 8:00), but every single student was already there. This threw me off, and I suddenly started to feel a bit uneasy with the sudden hush that came over the class, followed by a few gasps and then murmuring. I looked up at the class, and at least 90% of the students were just staring at me in awe.I quickly looked down, and proceeded to take my notes out of my bag. Basically I aimlessly shuf fl ed through my notes, trying to look like I was busy. I noticed that my hands were shaking, and it is likely that a few students sitting towards the front of the class also noticed this.I looked at the time, 7:50. I was beginning to regret getting to class early, what in the world was I supposed to do to kill ten minutes?

Thus began my life in China as a teacher, but instead of concluding this story, perhaps I should backtrack a bit.

ALLAYED FEARS

When I first arrived in China, my flight landed in Beijing. It was already night and so I didn’t get to see much. I just remembered eating some noodles at a small restaurant somewhere that looked a bit shady to my inexperienced eyes. A sight that stuck in my mind from that day was a bunch of young shirtless guys sitting around drinking some beers while smoking. Maybe it wasn’t the best first impression that China could have given me, but for some reason this made me feel a little more comfortable. I really had no idea what to expect before I got here, and these people just out relaxing and enjoying themselves allayed my fears that this would be a place where people were too burdened to enjoy life.

I only spent a few groggy jet-lagged hours in Beijing before departing for Shijiazhuang at an unholy hour the following morning. The entire drive to Shijiazhuang resembled some kind of murky half-remembered dream;I hardly talked, but rather just stared out the window observing the surroundings. There was way too much to take in and properly process, further complicated by my still depleted mind and body which both still seemed to be stuck back in the states and hadn’t caught up with the reality of our current location as yet. The only certainly was that this felt incomplete and rushedand I knew I wanted to revisit Beijing whenever the opportunity arose.

That opportunity came quickly enough, because about a month later was the National Holiday.

TRAIN STATION

A Chinese friend, Figo, and I decided to travel to Beijing.We had to buy our train tickets 10 days in advance.There were extra police on hand at the train station to deal with the crowds that gathered and anxiously pushed to buy tickets. What was already a perilously volatile situation was inexplicably aggravated by the sudden announcement that there would be a 20 minute break.My instant, knee-jerk inner monologue was as follows:"Seriously?! Why do all of the workers need to take a break at the same time? Wouldn’t some kind of labor rotation, allowing them to do this in intelligent shifts so that service wouldn’t come to a complete halt, be much better?" There might have been a very reasonable explanation for this, such as some kind of system failure,glitch or who knows what, but don’t bother trying to use rationality to reason with an impatient, hot, bothered and cramped person who has been fighting off others in line for such a long time. In such a heightened state of affairs, the only thing you can say to make someone happy is that you have resumed work, and even then their anger will not immediately or completely subside.During this time no tickets were sold and we just had to stand there to avoid losing our place in line. It was hot and sticky with all the people standing around in such uncomfortably close proximity. During this intermission I could hear people around me cursing and clearly everyone was unhappy with this. Another foreign teacher who was with us was quite annoyed at some of the people who tried to walk right past us and cut into the line up ahead. I really don’t blame him for that as it was indeed irritating. I remember that he said he was ready to “get physical” with someone if anyone tried to walk by him again. I think he must have felt bad when I didn’t really say anything to support or validate his visceral fury, but that’s just me. I don’t complain much, and at times I don’t talk much, I just silently observe and try to make sense of what is going on around me.

Figo and I got our tickets for Beijing, but unluckily the other teacher didn’t get the tickets he wanted due tounexpected price changes. He didn’t buy them at that point because the price was much higher than he had originally anticipated. As he was also supposed to be buying tickets for the group of people who would be traveling with him, he couldn’t make the decision to purchase the tickets as he wasn’t sure if everyone else would reimburse him or still want to go if they knew the “new” price. He called around a bit and the other members of his travel group said they would come to the train station to check things out and make a new decision together. He took a deep theatrical breath and stepped out of line. The anger and frustration on his face were now gone. However, I’ve seen this kind of reaction before when a person becomes aware that they have reached their limit and that the next unhappy occurrence will be met with unbridled fury. Once the others arrived, Figo and I quickly left - not a moment too soon.

It’s possible, for example, with the train station example that there were other options that we just were not aware of-for example the smaller train ticket offices that I now know to be scattered around the city, but I don’t know if they existed back then. I haven’t fact checked, but I seriously doubt there were online booking options available at that time. Also, the people I knew didn’t have much experience with all this technology,it was quite common that students didn’t have laptops.Smartphones? Forget about it, many students didn’t even have those regular old school phones! So, basically,even if online systems existed, we didn’t know about it and we would have totally struggled to use it. The most likely outcome would be that we would spend countless hours trying to figure out how things worked, fruitlessly conclude that we couldn’t complete the transaction, and in the end still need to go to the train station to endure those terrible lines.

One problem solved, but that only means it’s time to start working on the next problem in the endless line. Bank account? Didn’t have one as yet, because of the complicated paper work—I was still waiting for approval and some supplemental documents still needed to be submitted to the bank. So it was all cash.That meant more careful planning and budgeting.Needed to take enough cash to cover costs, but not too much. I remember mildly complaining in my mind about how few places seemed to accept “plastic”anyway. So whether I had an account or not didn’t seem to matter much. Today we have the wechat ecosystem and smartphones.