Why Ending a Friendship Can Be Worse than a Breakup斷絕友情為何比分手更糟心？

卡莉·布雷

There is no shortage of songs， movies and television shows depicting the difficulties of breakups with a romantic partner. But when it comes to navigating the end of friendships， it can feel like we’re on our own.

We learn how to make friends， how to share and how to cope with bullies when we’re young， says Miriam Kirmayer， a clinical therapist who specializes in young adult and adult friendships. As a 2017 study published in Personal Relationships1 noted， friendships become increasingly important as we age. Friendships can be an even stronger predictor of well-being than familial relationships as we get older， the study showed.

If friendships are so vital， why don’t we talk about what to do when they end？

The ups， downs， and—when necessary—ends of friendships， can be just as difficult to handle as those in romantic relationships—if not more， Kirmayer says.

Here’s why friendship breakups can feel worse than breakups with significant others.

We don’t know what to say

“We tend to think about breakups in friendships as happening because of some kind of big betrayal，” Kirmayer says. In those situations， it’s easy to pinpoint the reason the friendship ended， and communicate it to the other person.

But more often than not， she says， friendship breakups are the result of people gradually growing apart， which means there isn’t a standard conversation that ensues. The relationship may need to come to end because of factors outside of the friendship—like distance or differences in lifestyle—or because one or both friends have strained the bond by mistreating the other.

Whatever the reason is for the dissolution of a friendship， the common thread is that we often don’t know if we should have a conversation with that friend， says Kirmayer. And if we do decide to address it， it’s hard to know what to say.

“This can create situations where we can end up feeling hurt，” she says. “Whether it’s handled inappropriately or simply because it’s unexpected， we really don’t know what [friendship breakups] should look like.”

In romantic relationships， there’s often a conversation that signals the official breakup， which， while painful， leads to a sense of closure. But we don’t have a model for this kind of conversation at the end of friendships.

We feel ashamed that we couldn’t make it work

Since friendship breakups aren’t discussed nearly as often as romantic ones， Kirmayer says that people in friendship breakups can feel like they’re the only ones struggling to make their friendships work. Rather than seeking support and advice from other friends， people are more likely to keep it to themselves. This can make them feel even more isolated， she says.

There is also a common expectation that not every romantic relationship will last forever， and Kirmayer says we need to expect the same of friendships in order to normalize the experience. The end of a friendship doesn’t mean one or both friends are bad people or bad friends， she says; it simply means the relationship wasn’t working.

We have mismatched expectations with our friends

There’s a key difference between friendships and romantic relationships that can make friendship breakups worse， says Marni Feuerman， a psychotherapist in Florida. “The expectations are different in a romantic relationship，” she says. “People declare themselves ‘a(chǎn) couple，’ or the relationship is very defined： we’re dating， we’re engaged， we’re married.” There may even be a legal document or ceremony that spells out what the relationship means.

Conversely， that’s not the case in friendships. Because it is harder to define expectations in platonic relationships， friends are more likely to be on two different pages， which in turn can contribute to a separation—and make it more difficult to process post-breakup， according to Feuerman. We don’t communicate our expectations during the friendship， she says， because “we don’t want to express our needs and have them rejected.”

Instead， a friend who doesn’t feel like his or her needs are being met might stay silent. That person may realize the friendship isn’t working and is more inclined to allow it to end naturally， according to Feuerman. And that lack of communication can hurt the other friend just as much， as they’re left wondering what they did wrong.

We don’t know the terms of the breakup

After the end of a romantic relationship， it’s standard for exes to discuss the parameters of their breakup. They usually decide if they’ll remain friends， completely cut ties or respectfully smile and talk if they see each other in social situations， according to Feuerman. That type of conversation is a lot less likely to occur after a friendship breakup.

What may follow are awkward encounters at best， and at worst， unnecessary pain for a friend experiencing radio silence with no explanation， according to Feuerman.

The grief process is unexpected

Since friendship breakups are less spoken about and at times， more unexpected， we aren’t always prepared for the despair that follows.

“You’ll actually go through a bit of a grief process with it， and that’s okay，” she says. “If you feel like you can’t change the toxic friendship situation， it’s okay to mourn it， move on and find relationships that are much more satisfying.”

After a friendship breakup， it’s common to feel anger， sadness， loneliness and anxiety about seeing the person and fearful of mutual friends picking sides， Kirmayer says. Understanding that all of these feelings are normal will help you start moving forward.

What it all comes down to is cutting yourself some slack. “Recognize the language you’re using when you’re talking about yourself， instead of jumping to labels like calling yourself a bad friend，” Kirmayer says. “Speak to yourself the way you would a good friend.”

有不少歌曲和影視劇描述戀愛(ài)分手的艱難，但提到結(jié)束一段友情，可能就感覺(jué)毫無(wú)可資借鑒的了。

專攻青年和成人友誼情感研究的臨床心理治療師米麗亞姆·基爾邁爾說(shuō)，我們小時(shí)候就學(xué)習(xí)如何交朋友、如何分享、如何應(yīng)對(duì)霸凌?！秱€(gè)人關(guān)系期刊》2017年發(fā)表的一份研究報(bào)告指出，伴隨年齡增長(zhǎng)，友情的重要性與日俱增。該項(xiàng)研究表明，隨著年歲增長(zhǎng)，友情可能比親情更能顯現(xiàn)一個(gè)人未來(lái)是否幸福。

既然友情如此重要，我們不妨探討下友情結(jié)束時(shí)該怎么辦。

基爾邁爾說(shuō)，面對(duì)一段關(guān)系的起起伏伏及必要時(shí)的終結(jié)，友情和愛(ài)情一樣難以處理，且只難不易。

下面就來(lái)談?wù)劄楹闻笥褦嘟粫?huì)讓人感覺(jué)比戀人分手更糟糕。

我們不知道該說(shuō)什么

“我們習(xí)慣認(rèn)為友情之所以破裂是由于某種重大背叛?！?基爾邁爾說(shuō)。在那些情形下，很容易就能找準(zhǔn)友盡的原因并傳達(dá)給對(duì)方。

但她說(shuō)，更為常見(jiàn)的情況是，友情破裂是因?yàn)槿伺c人之間逐漸產(chǎn)生了隔閡，這意味著沒(méi)有后續(xù)的常規(guī)對(duì)話。導(dǎo)致友情結(jié)束的可能是情感之外的某些因素——例如距離或生活方式的差異——又或者是一方或雙方的不友好行為而造成關(guān)系緊張。

基爾邁爾說(shuō)，無(wú)論友情瓦解的原因是什么，共同點(diǎn)是我們常常不知道是否應(yīng)該跟那位朋友談一談。即便決定要就此談?wù)?，也不知道該說(shuō)些什么。

“這可能導(dǎo)致一些讓我們最終會(huì)感到受傷的情況出現(xiàn)。”她說(shuō)，“無(wú)論是處理不當(dāng)，還是僅僅因?yàn)橐饬现猓覀兌颊娴牟恢溃ㄓ亚槠屏眩┰撛趺崔k?！?/p>

結(jié)束戀愛(ài)關(guān)系時(shí)，常常會(huì)有一次談話表明正式分手，雖然令人痛苦，但會(huì)有一種完結(jié)感。在友情結(jié)束時(shí)則沒(méi)有類似的對(duì)話模式。

我們羞于做友情的敗者

基爾邁爾說(shuō)，友情破裂不像戀愛(ài)分手那樣經(jīng)常引發(fā)討論，所以人們?cè)谑ヅ笥褧r(shí)會(huì)感到只有自己一個(gè)人在努力維護(hù)這段友情。相比向其他朋友尋求幫助或建議，人們更可能選擇關(guān)閉心扉。她說(shuō)，這會(huì)令他們感到更加孤獨(dú)。

人們一般也都明白，不是每段戀情都能天長(zhǎng)地久?；鶢栠~爾說(shuō)，我們要用同樣的心態(tài)看待友情，使這段經(jīng)歷正?；Ｋf(shuō)，一段友情的結(jié)束并不意味著這段關(guān)系中的某一方或雙方是壞人或損友，而僅僅表明兩人不再適合做對(duì)方的朋友。

我們對(duì)朋友產(chǎn)生錯(cuò)位的期望

佛羅里達(dá)心理治療師瑪妮·富爾曼說(shuō)，友情與戀情之間有一個(gè)重要的不同點(diǎn)，正是這一點(diǎn)可能讓友情破裂更糟糕。 “戀愛(ài)關(guān)系中人們的期望不同?！彼f(shuō)，“人們會(huì)宣稱他們是‘一對(duì)兒’，或者關(guān)系非常明確——我們?cè)趹賽?ài)，我們訂婚了，我們結(jié)婚了?！比藗兩踔量梢酝ㄟ^(guò)法律文件或儀式來(lái)清楚表明這段關(guān)系意味著什么。

相反，朋友關(guān)系則不是這樣。根據(jù)富爾曼的說(shuō)法，因?yàn)榘乩瓐D式關(guān)系中的期望更難定義，所以朋友之間更可能產(chǎn)生觀念分歧，這又導(dǎo)致隔閡，并使處理分手后的關(guān)系更加困難。她說(shuō)，做朋友時(shí)我們并不交流彼此的期望，因?yàn)椤拔覀儾幌胱约罕磉_(dá)需求后遭到拒絕”。

往往，感到自己的需求沒(méi)有得到滿足的一方可能會(huì)保持沉默。富爾曼認(rèn)為，這一方或許會(huì)意識(shí)到這份友情不合適，更傾向于讓其自然終結(jié)。而缺乏交流則會(huì)讓另一方感到同樣受傷，在想自己是否做錯(cuò)了什么。

我們不知道友盡協(xié)議

對(duì)于已經(jīng)分手的戀人們來(lái)說(shuō)，結(jié)束戀愛(ài)關(guān)系時(shí)討論分手后的相處界限是很常規(guī)的做法。通常會(huì)決定是維持普通朋友關(guān)系、完全不聯(lián)系，還是在社交場(chǎng)合碰面時(shí)禮貌地微笑和寒暄。朋友斷交后，進(jìn)行這類談話的可能性低得多。

富爾曼說(shuō)，接下來(lái)面臨的較好情況可能是尷尬的會(huì)面，最糟糕的是在沒(méi)給任何解釋的情況下讓朋友毫無(wú)必要地遭受失聯(lián)的痛苦。

療傷過(guò)程難以預(yù)料

我們很少談?wù)撚亚槠屏训膯?wèn)題，它的發(fā)生也時(shí)常難以預(yù)料，因此對(duì)于隨之而來(lái)的絕望感我們總是毫無(wú)準(zhǔn)備。

“你其實(shí)會(huì)經(jīng)歷一個(gè)療傷的過(guò)程，沒(méi)關(guān)系的?！彼f(shuō)，“如果感覺(jué)無(wú)法改變這段有害的友情，完全可以就此告別，然后向前看，去尋找更加滿意的友情?！?/p>

基爾邁爾說(shuō)，跟朋友斷交后，往往看到對(duì)方會(huì)感到生氣、悲傷、孤獨(dú)和焦慮，也害怕共同的好友去站隊(duì)。所有這些情緒都很正常，明白這一點(diǎn)有助你開(kāi)始新生活。

歸根結(jié)底就是要放自己一馬?！白晕以u(píng)價(jià)時(shí)要認(rèn)可自己而不是直接給自己打上損友的標(biāo)簽?！被鶢栠~爾說(shuō)，“要像對(duì)好朋友說(shuō)話那樣安慰自己?！?/p>

（譯者為“《英語(yǔ)世界》杯”翻譯大賽獲獎(jiǎng)選手）