What Makes a Good Life 幸福的生活哪里來

Robert+Waldinger++譯+劉偲熙

What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life？ If you were going to invest now in your future best self， where would you put your time and your energy？ There was a recent survey of millennials1） asking them what their most important life goals were， and over 80 percent said that a major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50 percent of those same young adults said that another major life goal was to become famous.

And were constantly told to lean in to work， to push harder and achieve more. Were given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives， of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them， those pictures are almost impossible to get. But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time？ What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy？

We did that. The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life thats ever been done. For 75 years， weve tracked the lives of 724 men， year after year， asking about their work， their home lives， their health， and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.

Since 1938， weve tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They all finished college during World War II， and then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that weve followed was a group of boys from Bostons poorest neighborhoods， boys who were chosen for the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements2）， many without hot and cold running water.

When they entered the study， all of these teenagers were interviewed. They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors， one President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top， and some made that journey in the opposite direction.

Every two years， our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asks them if we can send them yet one more set of questions about their lives. Many of the inner city3） Boston men ask us， “Why do you keep wanting to study me？ My life just isnt that interesting.” The Harvard men never ask that question.

To get the clearest picture of these lives， we dont just send them questionnaires. We interview them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood， we scan their brains， we talk to their children. We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when， about a decade ago， we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of the study， many of the women said， “You know， its about time.”

So what have we learned？ What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages of information that weve generated on these lives？ Well， the lessons arent about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this： Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

Weve learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections are really good for us， and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family， to friends， to community， are happier， theyre physically healthier， and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy， their health declines earlier in midlife， their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time， more than one in five Americans will report that theyre lonely.

And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage， so the second big lesson that we learned is that its not just the number of friends you have， and its not whether or not youre in a committed relationship， but its the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages， for example， without much affection， turn out to be very bad for our health， perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good， warm relationships is protective.

Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s， we wanted to look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was going to grow into a happy， healthy octogenarian4） and who wasnt. And when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50， it wasnt their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good， close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows5） of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported， in their 80s， that on the days when they had more physical pain， their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships， on the days when they reported more physical pain， it was magnified by more emotional pain.

And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships dont just protect our bodies， they protect our brains. It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective， that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need， those peoples memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really cant count on the other one， those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships， they dont have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker6） with each other day in and day out， but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough， those arguments didnt take a toll7） on their memories.

So this message， that good， close relationships are good for our health and well-being， this is wisdom thats as old as the hills8）. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore？ Well， were human. What wed really like is a quick fix， something we can get thatll make our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and theyre complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends， its not sexy or glamorous. Its also lifelong. It never ends. Just like the millennials in that recent survey， many of our men when they were starting out as young adults really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over， over these 75 years， our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships， with family， with friends， with community.

So what about you？ Lets say youre 25， or youre 40， or youre 60. What might leaning in to relationships even look like？

Well， the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together， long walks or date nights， or reaching out to that family member who you havent spoken to in years， because those all-too-common family feuds9） take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges10）.

Id like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago， he was looking back on his life， and he wrote this： “There isnt time， so brief is life， for bickerings， apologies， heartburnings， callings to account. There is only time for loving， and but an instant， so to speak， for that.”

The good life is built with good relationships.

在我們的生命歷程中，是什么使我們保持健康、快樂呢？如果你現(xiàn)在要為未來投資，成為最好的自己，你會把時間和精力放在哪兒呢？最近有一項(xiàng)對千禧一代的調(diào)查，詢問他們最重要的人生目標(biāo)是什么，超過80%的人說他們的一個主要人生目標(biāo)是變得富有。此外，這群年輕人中50%的人表示，他們的另一個重要人生目標(biāo)是享有名望。

經(jīng)常有人告訴我們要積極進(jìn)取、辛勤工作，更加努力，取得更大的成就。于是我們就會有種印象，覺得這些是我們?yōu)閾碛行腋Ｉ钏仨氉非蟮臇|西。我們幾乎不可能了解人一生的全貌、人們所做的選擇以及這些選擇對他們的影響。但是，如果我們可以觀察到人們隨著時間推移展現(xiàn)出來的整個人生呢？如果我們可以對人從青少年開始觀察，一直到他們進(jìn)入老年，看到底是什么使人保持快樂和健康呢？

我們就是這么做的。哈佛大學(xué)的成人發(fā)展研究可能是迄今為止時間跨度最長的成人生活研究項(xiàng)目。在75年的時間里，我們跟蹤了724名男性的生活，每年對其工作、家庭生活、健康狀況進(jìn)行詢問。當(dāng)然，我們在詢問時始終不知道他們的人生故事將有怎樣的結(jié)果。

自1938年起，我們跟蹤了兩組男性的生活。第一組在研究開始時是哈佛大學(xué)二年級的學(xué)生。他們都在二戰(zhàn)期間完成了大學(xué)學(xué)業(yè)，隨后大多在戰(zhàn)爭中服役。而我們跟蹤的第二組則是波士頓最貧窮街區(qū)里的一群男孩。之所以選中這些男孩參與研究，主要因?yàn)樵?0世紀(jì)30年代的波士頓，他們所在的家庭是問題最多、條件最差的。他們多數(shù)合住在經(jīng)濟(jì)公寓里，很多房屋都沒有冷熱自來水供應(yīng)。

研究伊始，所有的青少年都接受了訪談，進(jìn)行了體檢。我們到他們家里去，對他們的父母進(jìn)行訪談。后來，這些青少年長大成人，進(jìn)入各行各業(yè)。他們有的成了工廠工人，有的成了律師，有的成了砌磚工人，有的成了醫(yī)生，還有一位成了美國總統(tǒng)。有人酗酒成癮，有幾個得了精神分裂癥。有人從社會底層一直爬到了最頂層，也有人逆向而行，跌入谷底。

每過兩年，我們耐心又敬業(yè)的研究人員會給我們的研究對象打電話，詢問是否可以向他們再寄送一份關(guān)于其生活的調(diào)查問卷。波士頓市中心貧民區(qū)的很多人會問：“你們?yōu)槭裁匆恢毕胙芯课已?？我的生活沒那么有意思啊?！惫鸬氖茉囌邆儚膩聿粏栠@個問題。

為了能盡量清楚地了解這些人的生活，我們不僅僅給他們寄送調(diào)查問卷。我們還在他們家的客廳里面談，從醫(yī)生那里獲取他們的醫(yī)療記錄，給他們做抽血化驗(yàn)，做腦部掃描，和他們的子女交談。我們在他們與妻子討論內(nèi)心深處的憂慮時錄像。大約10年前，我們終于問他們的妻子是否愿意加入我們，成為研究對象，不少太太都說：“嗯，是時候加入了?！?/p>

那我們了解到了什么呢？我們圍繞這些人的生活整理出了數(shù)萬頁的信息，從中我們發(fā)現(xiàn)了什么呢？這些發(fā)現(xiàn)與財富、名望或愈發(fā)努力工作無關(guān)。我們從這項(xiàng)長達(dá)75年的研究中得到的最明確的信息是：良好的人際關(guān)系使我們更快樂、更健康。就是這么回事。

關(guān)于人際關(guān)系，我們從調(diào)查中總結(jié)了三個教訓(xùn)。第一，社會關(guān)系對我們非常有益，而孤獨(dú)對人有害。研究結(jié)果顯示，與家庭、朋友、社區(qū)有更多社交聯(lián)系的人比社交聯(lián)系少的人更快樂、更健康、更長壽。孤獨(dú)感則是有毒的。那些與他人疏離的程度超過自己內(nèi)心所愿的人會發(fā)現(xiàn)，與不孤獨(dú)的人相比，自己沒那么開心，健康狀況在中年時期更早惡化，腦功能衰退得更快，壽命也更短。而令人遺憾的一個事實(shí)是，在任何特定的時間里，都會有超過五分之一的美國人聲稱自己很孤獨(dú)。

我們知道，在人群中你可能感覺孤獨(dú)，在婚姻中你也可能感覺孤獨(dú)，所以我們總結(jié)的第二個教訓(xùn)是：真正重要的不是你朋友數(shù)量的多少，也不是你是否處于一段忠誠的關(guān)系中，而是你的親密關(guān)系的質(zhì)量如何。研究結(jié)果表明，生活在沖突之中對我們的健康非常有害。比如，那些沒有什么感情而又有著激烈沖突的婚姻對我們的健康就極其有害，其害處可能甚于離異。而生活在良好、溫暖的關(guān)系中則能起到保護(hù)作用。

當(dāng)我們對受試者的跟蹤一直延續(xù)到他們80多歲時，我們想回頭看看他們的中年生活，看我們能否預(yù)測誰將會成為快樂、健康的八旬老人，而誰不會。當(dāng)我們把受試者50歲時的所有已知資料匯總到一起后，我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，能預(yù)示他們將如何變老的并不是他們中年時的膽固醇水平，而是他們對自己的人際關(guān)系的滿意度。那些在50歲時對自己的人際關(guān)系最滿意的人，到80歲時最健康。良好、親密的人際關(guān)系似乎能幫我們抵御衰老過程中的一些“明槍暗箭”。受試者中最幸福的男女伴侶在他們80多歲時表示，在他們身體出現(xiàn)更多疼痛的日子里，他們?nèi)阅鼙３志裼鋹?。而那些身處不愉快的人際關(guān)系中的人們，在他們宣稱身體出現(xiàn)更多疼痛的日子里，這些疼痛會被更多情緒上的痛苦放大。

關(guān)于人際關(guān)系和健康我們總結(jié)出的第三個重大教訓(xùn)是：良好的人際關(guān)系不僅保護(hù)我們的軀體，還保護(hù)我們的大腦。研究結(jié)果表明，如果你在80多歲時與另一個人維持著穩(wěn)定的依戀關(guān)系，這會對你起到保護(hù)作用，如果人們所處的關(guān)系讓其真正覺得自己在有需要時能依賴另一個人，那這些人的記憶會更清晰、更長久。而如果人們所處的關(guān)系讓其覺得自己真的指望不上另一個人，那這樣的人會更早遇到記憶衰退的問題。良好的人際關(guān)系不一定要始終一帆風(fēng)順。受試者中有些80多歲的老年伴侶可能天天拌嘴，但只要他們覺得自己能在遇到困難時真正依靠對方，拌嘴就不會對他們的記憶造成傷害。

良好、親密的人際關(guān)系有益于我們的健康和幸福，這是古老的人類智慧。為什么這個道理這么難明白，又這么容易被忽視呢？我們是人啊。我們真正喜歡的是快速的解決方案——我們能信手拈來使生活變得美好并一直美好下去的一種東西。人際關(guān)系錯綜復(fù)雜，照顧家人和朋友是一項(xiàng)艱辛的工作，既不性感也沒有吸引力。它還貫穿我們的一生，無休無止。和最近那次調(diào)查中的千禧一代一樣，我們的很多受試者在起初還是年輕人時，也確實(shí)認(rèn)為要擁有幸福的生活，他們需要追求名望、財富和卓越的成就。但在這75年中，我們的研究一次次表明，過得最好的是那些用心耕耘自己與家人、朋友和社區(qū)關(guān)系的人。

那你呢？假設(shè)你現(xiàn)在25歲，40歲，或60歲。用心經(jīng)營人際關(guān)系對你來說會是什么樣子呢？

這其實(shí)有無限種可能。可以很簡單，比如花些時間與人面對面交流，而不是盯著屏幕；通過一起嘗試新鮮事物來激活彼此厭倦了的關(guān)系；好好散散步，夜晚約會聚一下，或者主動聯(lián)系多年沒有說過話的家人，因?yàn)槟切┰倨匠２贿^的家庭仇怨也會給心存積怨的人帶來極大的傷害。

我想引用馬克·吐溫的一段話來收尾。一百多年前，他回首一生，寫下了這樣一段話：“生命如此短暫，我們沒有時間去爭吵、道歉、嫉恨、計較。我們只有時間去愛，即便如此，這樣的時間也是稍縱即逝。”

幸福生活有賴于良好的人際關(guān)系。

1. millennial [m??leni?l] n. 千禧一代，或稱Y一代、網(wǎng)絡(luò)一代，指出生在1980～2000年之間的美國年輕人。他們是二戰(zhàn)后嬰兒潮一代的后代。

2. tenement [?ten?m?nt] n. （城市較窮苦地區(qū)的）經(jīng)濟(jì)公寓

3. inner city：（居民擁擠、住房破舊的）市中心貧民區(qū)

4. octogenarian [??kt??d???ne?ri?n] n. 80～89歲的人

5. slings and arrows：無妄之災(zāi)；飛來橫禍；不愉快的事

6. bicker [?b?k?（r）] vi. （為小事）爭吵

7. take a toll：產(chǎn)生嚴(yán)重影響；造成許多痛苦

8. as old as the hills：古老的

9. feud [fju?d] n. 長期不和

10. grudge [ɡr?d?] n. 怨恨，嫌隙，積怨