One Moment I Treasure Most

編者按：目前，初高中英語教學(xué)中最令師生糾結(jié)的是寫作。對學(xué)生而言，拿到一個題目之后，如何審題、謀篇、組段、連句、造句、用詞？對教師而言，面對學(xué)生的作文，如何從宏觀到微觀對上述各層面表現(xiàn)出的問題加以有效指導(dǎo)？這些是大家期待解決的問題。鑒于此，我刊開設(shè)“英語寫作”欄目，特邀浙江外國語學(xué)院趙伐教授主持，邀請中學(xué)英語名師共同點評學(xué)生的作文。本期刊登的是義烏某高三學(xué)生的作文，由趙教授點評。希望能給師生以實實在在的幫助！

We go through various things everyday， sweet and salty. But one memory still exist in my mind would never fade away.

It’s was five years ago， on a freezing cold morning， which can’t be more normal. But it truly changes me in a sense. As usual， I got up early to go to school. The wind is so chilly that my legs can’t help shaking. The street is empty but there is one old man sweeping with hot steam came from his mouth. Without noticing him I dropped my litter to the ground he just cleaned. Yes， I should acknowledge that I take it for granted that the dirt owns him. Then I walked away. Much to my surprise， the man dressed in orange blew slowly and caught the litter to the cabin. The action just shocked me.

He is such an old man， but still devotes to society. However， I am young. I came up an incredible thought. Everyone should be treated fairly， no matter whom we encounter， even a beggar.I thank the man earnestly. He leads me to a peaceful altitude to orange.

從題目看，這篇作文要求學(xué)生敘述自己最珍惜的“one moment”，并發(fā)表議論或感想，屬記敘文。記敘文應(yīng)有的時間、地點、人物和事件等成分，這篇作文都包含了。學(xué)生在敘述事件時，甚至還加上了場景的描寫，把敘述渲染得更加生動，如a freezing cold morning，The wind was so chilly that my legs couldn’t help shaking，The street was empty等。該文第一段以“We go through various things everyday， but one thing still exists...”一句引出第二段的敘述，到第三段再有感而發(fā)，三個段落層次分明，從謀篇看應(yīng)該說是不錯的。第一段中“We go through ... everyday， but ...”這樣的重要信息后置句型，是引出話題的一種最常見的寫法。這種寫法在初高中的英語教材和日常閱讀材料中時常出現(xiàn)，比如：

（1）Many would agree that when we think of Christmas， we probably think of gifts， Christmas trees and Santa Claus. But behind all these things lies the true meaning of Christmas： the importance of sharing and giving love and joy to people around us. （人教版初中英語第9冊第二單元）

（2）I had many exciting moments in West Lake last Sunday， but of all the wonderful moments I had， my favorite was ..

從造句和用詞看，該文也有值得肯定的地方，如比較恰當?shù)厥褂昧艘恍┨厥饩湫秃统Ｓ迷~組，包括couldn’t be more normal， so .. that ..， much to my surprise， go through various things， never fade away， couldn’t help shaking， take it for granted， in a sense， as usual等。

不過，這篇作文也存在三方面的問題。第一，第二段的時態(tài)不一致。既然是敘述5年前一個早晨發(fā)生的事，那就應(yīng)該用過去時態(tài)。而這一段有的句子使用了過去時態(tài)，有的卻用一般現(xiàn)在時態(tài)。第二，用詞不當。如normal（normal多用指人，如a normal person，應(yīng)改為ordinary或common）;hot steam（hot steam的意思是“滾燙的蒸汽”，應(yīng)改為hot breath）;dirt（dirt多指“污泥、排泄物”，應(yīng)改為rubbish或litter）;action（這個詞太大，應(yīng)改為that或what he did）;cabin（應(yīng)改為dustbin）;altitude（應(yīng)改為attitude）。第三，母語負遷移現(xiàn)象突出，多處出現(xiàn)我們常說的按照漢語思維和表達方式造出來的中式英語句子，如We go though various things everyday， sweet and salty. But one memory still exist in my mind would never fade away（中國學(xué)生常用“we”來代替“I”，用“we”的經(jīng)歷來指“I”的經(jīng)歷，與后一句的one memory still exists in my mind其實是沒有關(guān)系的）;the dirt owns him（這句話的原意可能是“垃圾就該他掃”，但這樣表達不對）;the man dressed in orange blew

slowly and caught the litter to the cabin（blew slowly的原意可能是“呼吸艱難”;caught the litter to the cabin的原意可能是“撿起垃圾扔進垃圾桶”，但這兩處表達都有明顯的漢語味）; He is such an old man， but still devotes to society. However， I am young（在I am young和He is such an old man之間其實不存在任何轉(zhuǎn)折關(guān)系;devotes to society也是漢語式表達）; He leads me to a peaceful altitude to orange（這句話的原意可能是“他讓我對清潔工的態(tài)度發(fā)生了改變”，但把attitude寫成了altitude， 用orange作為換喻來指代清潔工，這樣的修辭讓人難以領(lǐng)會，leads me to a peaceful altitude也讓人費解）。

I have been through various things， dull or interesting. But there is one thing in my mind that never fades away.

It was on a freezing cold morning five years ago. The moment couldn’t be more ordinary， but it truly changed me in a sense. As usual， I got up early to go to school. It was so chilly that my legs couldn’t help shaking in the icy wind. The street was empty but there was one old man sweeping busily， with hot breath puffing from his mouth. Without noticing him I littered where he just swept. I admit that I took it for granted that sweeping was his job. Then I walked away. Much to my surprise， the man dressed in orange took a difficult breath， picked up the litter and threw it into the dustbin. What he did gave me a deep thought.

He was such an old man， but still worked hard to keep our city clean. I realize that everyone deserves respect for what he does for our society， no matter who he is， an important person or a street cleaner. I should thank the man. He has taught me how to respect others.

（點評：趙伐|浙江外國語學(xué)院）