短文寫作得分術(shù)

王紅霞 袁黎 胡同梅

對(duì)于即將參加高考的同學(xué)，再短期內(nèi)提高短文寫作的水平至關(guān)重要。想要提高自己書面表達(dá)的分?jǐn)?shù)，就要針對(duì)高考的命題特點(diǎn)進(jìn)行有效的訓(xùn)練。湖北卷“短文寫作”要求考生根據(jù)英文提示，結(jié)合一個(gè)具體事例，寫一篇話題作文。針對(duì)這一命題特點(diǎn)，在寫作時(shí)要注意以下幾點(diǎn)：

定主題。首先要讀懂“提示語”，鎖定寫作“話題”。以免跑題或偏題。

列大綱。確定每段要寫的主題句，做到心中有數(shù)。

定時(shí)態(tài)。針對(duì)每段不同的特點(diǎn)，選用不同的時(shí)態(tài)。

寫美文。在行文的過程中，注意長短句的結(jié)合，過渡詞語和高級(jí)詞匯的使用。

細(xì)檢查。仔細(xì)檢查全文看是否有錯(cuò)，盡量避免低級(jí)錯(cuò)誤。

下面以我們訓(xùn)練的一篇短文為例來進(jìn)行講解。

請(qǐng)根據(jù)以下提示，并結(jié)合你生活中的一個(gè)事例，用英語寫一篇短文。

A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.

注意：①無須寫標(biāo)題;

②除詩歌外，文體不限;

③內(nèi)容必須結(jié)合你生活中的一個(gè)事例;

④文中不得透露個(gè)人姓名和學(xué)校名稱;

⑤詞數(shù)不少于120詞，如引用提示語則不計(jì)入總詞數(shù)。

提示 ?這篇短文的落腳點(diǎn)應(yīng)該是勇于面對(duì)任何困難，不要逃避。寫這種半開放式的作文，比較保險(xiǎn)的寫法是三段式：第一段提出觀點(diǎn)，一般用現(xiàn)在時(shí)態(tài);第二段講述一個(gè)故事來說明論點(diǎn)，多用過去時(shí)態(tài);第三段回應(yīng)開頭，升華主題，通常使用現(xiàn)在時(shí)態(tài)。

我們先來看看兩篇習(xí)作：

It is universally acknowledged that life is like a road， which is filled with ups and downs. Sometimes we will fear suffering， but on the contrary， what we fear are more likely to happen. So the key to it is to face it with courage.

When it comes to that， I can still well remember that ①there was a time when I was seven years old， I was asked to learn to ride a bike. Before that， ②I never get in touch with it and wasnt familiar with it as well. Owing to my fear， I couldnt learn it well after ?long time. Later， It was what my father told me that fear was of no use ③that woke me up. What I should do was to face it bravely. Following the advice， I became more confident regardless what was in store for me. As a consequence， I succeed.

④In my opinion， we cant know what will happen to us. But it is no use fearing it. Only by facing life with courage can we make a difference.

點(diǎn)評(píng) ?這篇屬于第五檔作文，得分為26分。這位同學(xué)在第一段能用短短幾句闡明觀點(diǎn)，同時(shí)靈活運(yùn)用各種句式，如主語從句和定語從句。而on the contrary， to face it with courage等短語的使用又增加了文章的亮點(diǎn)。第二段清楚地?cái)⑹隽艘粋€(gè)故事，但舉例缺乏新意。

這位同學(xué)在敘述中有意使用了多種句式。但第①處的there was a time when用得不貼切。這里可以直接用when引導(dǎo)的時(shí)間狀語從句，從句時(shí)態(tài)用過去完成時(shí)。第③處使用了強(qiáng)調(diào)句。主語從句和賓語從句，但為了追求復(fù)雜的句子結(jié)構(gòu)反而出了錯(cuò)。這里應(yīng)該把that fear was of no use去掉。第②處和第④處時(shí)態(tài)不對(duì)。第②處應(yīng)用過去完成時(shí)had never got更好，第④處可以用過去時(shí)或現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)。第三段用三句話升華主題：Only by facing it with courage can we make a difference. 倒裝句用得恰到好處。

Life is always full of ups and downs. We always get into trouble and meet what we fear. However， sometimes fearness can beat us and gives us much more puzzles. ①Thus， what we should do is to overcome the fear and fight against the sufferings rather than give in the fearness.

②Here is a typical example concerning my own experience. I still remember the time when I learned how to swim. At first， I couldnt swim without the help of others and I was afraid of going to the pool where the water was deep. Besides， I only could stay at the bank of the pool. When my father saw me， he wanted me to swim alone. So he told me to hold my breath in the water and I followed his advice. But in the water， I felt terrified and couldnt breathe at all. Suddenly， I was out of control and become more and more afraid. ③On that condition， my father helped me and encouraged me to overcome the fearness. In this case， I made up my mind and forgot my feaness. To my surprise，④I should make it and be able to swim.

When you are in trouble， dont be afraid. ⑤Try to beat what you fear and youll make it.

點(diǎn)評(píng) ?這篇屬于四檔作文，得分為20分。這位同學(xué)能夠結(jié)合事例，比較清楚地表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn)，但是句式和語言都不夠豐富。

1. 第①句中短語用法有誤，且錯(cuò)誤地將fear名詞寫成了fearness，應(yīng)該是give in to the fear。fight against the sufferings有誤，根據(jù)英文提示語此處應(yīng)改為fight against the fear。綜上，把這一部分改為fight against the fear rather than give in to it更好。

2. 第②處作者較好地使用了倒裝句和非謂語動(dòng)詞。話題引入自然。

3. 第③處，on that condition使用不當(dāng)，改為at that moment更為貼切。而且為了句式的豐富建議將這句話改為強(qiáng)調(diào)句it was at that moment that my father helped me。

4. 第④處I should make it應(yīng)改為I should have made it. 這里的意思是“我那時(shí)候竟然做到了”。對(duì)過去某次行為感到驚訝?wèi)?yīng)為should have done，對(duì)現(xiàn)在或一般情況的意外才用should do。

5. 第⑤處也是本文的一個(gè)閃光點(diǎn)，不僅恰如其分地點(diǎn)了題，而且很有氣勢(shì)。

盡管看起來本文的缺點(diǎn)似乎多于優(yōu)點(diǎn)，但是因?yàn)閷懽鞯哪康木褪窃谟谟媚軌虮蝗死斫獾脑捳Z來傳遞作者的思想。這篇習(xí)作很好地完成了題目的要求，且所舉實(shí)例也很恰當(dāng)，由此我們可以判斷這篇習(xí)作較好地完成了寫作任務(wù)。但因?yàn)榫涫阶兓欢啵矝]有出現(xiàn)較為高級(jí)的詞匯和句型，所以得分只能是第四檔中稍低一點(diǎn)的分?jǐn)?shù)。

Life cant be perfect， as suffering is always an unavoidable part of it.

Once upon a time， I was a shy girl and feared mistakes especially in public. At the beginning of my English class， I always kept silent to avoid being laughed at for any mistake， while some “shameless” girls could never be quiet in the class. I sometimes even felt shameful for them. However， with time going by， my English was going from bad to worse， while theirs better and better. When my class master realized this， he came to my assistance and told me， “A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears. Be brave！” From then on， I began to open my mouth and open my heart to people around me. Believe it or not， my English improved！

Maybe we really need to change our attitude： when you fear， you are already suffering！ So why not be brave and choose to face it！ Surely， you will harvest more！