遲到的完美沙灘身材

文/Colin+Nissan+譯/殷子

We regret to inform you that your beach body， slated1） for arrival in early June of this year， will be delayed， perhaps indefinitely. A number of factors， all under your direct control， have contributed to this unfortunate setback.

First and foremost， you are still eating a lot of food. While you have done an excellent job of including more vegetables in your diet， you have also included more of everything else， like cake. In the past month alone， you have eaten cake on eight occasions. None of which were birthday-related.

You have been complaining about your metabolism2） slowing down. Metabolic rate is difficult to determine， but what is certainly not slowing down is your intake3） of frozen French-bread pizzas. In fact， it is more than likely that one of those cheese-choked blubber4）-makers is circling inside your microwave at this very moment.

Making your hip-hop workout playlist right after the New Year seemed like a big step in the right direction. Of course， music can help only so much if you dont own sneakers， which， technically， you didnt until March.

While your recent efforts to increase the intensity of your workouts have been admirable， a look at the numbers indicates that your treadmill5） speeds have increased only from 3.8 miles per hour to 3.9 miles per hour. Not surprisingly， the impact on your body has been negligible. One might argue that it has worked to your detriment6）， given that your duration on the treadmill has plummeted7） by an average of fourteen minutes.

As you know， motivation can be elusive8）. There are unseen forces that oppose motivation and seek to douse9） the flames of inspiration. In your case， that force is napping. You really do nap a lot.

This far into any successful beach-body program， you should not still be wearing your fat jeans. By now， you should have already held those jeans up in front of you and proudly marvelled10） that you were ever that big. But you cant hold them up and marvel at them， because they are on your body. Snugly11）.

If you were to stay true to your original beach-body timeline， you would begin some preliminary swimsuit shopping right around now. Owing to the significant delays youre experiencing， we do not recommend standing in front of a three-way mirror at this point， unless you want all three of you to feel terrible about yourselves.

As the days pass and the temperatures rise， you may find yourself scrambling12） to recalibrate13） your goals. To lose just five pounds instead of twenty， say， or to unearth just one ab14） instead six. Sadly， when measured against the utopian physique you set out to achieve， these thoughts will quickly fade-drowned out， in all likelihood， by the crunch of a Cheeto15）.

In conclusion， with some significant life-style tweaks16） you could， according to our estimates， achieve your beach body by November. Just in time for Thanksgiving. Revealing your actual body before then， as you likely will， may trigger feelings of disappointment and guilt； even shame. Try to focus not on negative emotions but on ways in which you can stay positive and also stay submerged up to your neck for as much of the summer as possible.

我們遺憾地通知您，您原定于今年6月初練成的沙灘身材將會(huì)延期，或許是無(wú)限期地延期。一些因素導(dǎo)致了這一不幸的挫折，而這些因素全都在您的直接掌控中。

最首要的原因在于，您還是吃了太多東西。盡管您表現(xiàn)不錯(cuò)，在飲食中納入了更多的蔬菜，但您也將更多其他食物納入其中，比如蛋糕。僅在過去的一個(gè)月中，您就在八個(gè)場(chǎng)合吃了蛋糕，沒有一次與生日相關(guān)。

您一直在抱怨自己的新陳代謝在變慢。代謝率很難判斷，但肯定沒有變慢的是您吃冰凍法式硬脆皮比薩的頻率。事實(shí)上，就在此刻，一塊滿是芝士、催人長(zhǎng)肉的比薩很可能正在您的微波爐里轉(zhuǎn)著加熱呢。

新年剛過您就創(chuàng)建了街舞健身的音樂列表，貌似是朝著正確的方向邁出了一大步。當(dāng)然，如果您沒有運(yùn)動(dòng)鞋，音樂也只能幫這么多。實(shí)際上，直到3月份您才有了運(yùn)動(dòng)鞋。

雖然您近來(lái)加大鍛煉強(qiáng)度的努力值得稱贊，但瞅一眼跑步機(jī)，上面的數(shù)字顯示您的速度僅從每小時(shí)3.8英里提高到了每小時(shí)3.9英里。這對(duì)您身體的作用微乎其微，這可一點(diǎn)都不奇怪。或許還可以說，這對(duì)您是有害的，因?yàn)槟谂懿綑C(jī)上的時(shí)間突然減少，平均減少了14分鐘。

正如您所知，積極性是難以捉摸的。有一些看不見的力量在阻礙積極性，并試圖澆滅激勵(lì)的火焰。對(duì)您來(lái)說，這種力量就是打盹兒。您打的盹兒真的太多了。

執(zhí)行任何有成效的沙灘瘦身計(jì)劃這么久，您都不該還穿著您那些肥大的牛仔褲。此時(shí)，您本該在自己面前舉起那些牛仔褲，倍感自豪地驚嘆自己曾經(jīng)那么胖。但您卻沒法舉起那些褲子并為此發(fā)出驚嘆，因?yàn)檠澴泳驮谀砩洗┲?，緊緊地貼在您身上。

如果您堅(jiān)持最初的沙灘瘦身計(jì)劃的時(shí)間表，那差不多現(xiàn)在您會(huì)開始準(zhǔn)備購(gòu)買泳衣。鑒于您現(xiàn)在正處于嚴(yán)重延期階段，我們不建議您在此時(shí)站到三面鏡前，除非您想讓鏡子中的三個(gè)您都為自己感到難過。

隨著時(shí)光流逝和氣溫上升，您可能發(fā)現(xiàn)自己正急于重新設(shè)定自己的目標(biāo)。比如說，僅將體重減輕五磅而不是二十磅，或是只練出一塊腹肌，而非六塊?？杀氖?，與您之前打算練成的理想體形相比，這些想法十有八九會(huì)隨著您咔嚓咔嚓嚼奇多的聲音而迅速煙消云散。

總之，據(jù)我們預(yù)計(jì)，您通過在生活方式上做一些重大的微調(diào)，還是可以在11月練成沙灘身材的。正好趕上感恩節(jié)。在那之前展示您真實(shí)的身材，正如您可能會(huì)做的那樣，引發(fā)的可能是失望、內(nèi)疚，甚至是羞愧的情緒。盡量不要老想著這些消極情緒，而是想想怎樣才能保持樂觀，還要想想在這個(gè)夏天，怎樣盡可能長(zhǎng)時(shí)間地將脖子以下的部分都遮掩起來(lái)。

1. slate [sle?t] vt. 預(yù)定，預(yù)計(jì)；安排

2. metabolism [m??t?b??l?z（?）m] n. 新陳代謝

3. intake [??nte?k] n. （食物、飲料、空氣等的）攝取量，吸入量

4. blubber [?bl?b?（r）] n. 過多的脂肪

5. treadmill [?tred?m?l] n. 跑步機(jī)

6. to ones detriment：（結(jié)果）不利于，有害于，有損于

7. plummet [?pl?m?t] vi. （數(shù)量、比率或價(jià)格）驟然下跌，暴跌

8. elusive [??lu?s?v] adj. 難以捉摸的，難以描述的

9. douse [da?s] vt. 澆滅；熄滅

10. marvel [?mɑ?（r）v（?）l] vt. 對(duì)……感到驚訝；不勝驚羨；大為贊嘆

11. snugly [sn?ɡli] adv. （衣服等）緊身地，貼身地

12. scramble [?skr?mb（?）l] vi. 爭(zhēng)搶；急于

13. recalibrate [r??k?l??bre?t] vt. 重新校準(zhǔn)；重新調(diào)整

14. ab [?b] n.〈口〉腹肌

15. Cheeto：奇多，一種由膨化玉米粉制成的干酪口味的零食

16. tweak ：請(qǐng)參見51頁(yè)注釋15。