My Mother Explains the Ballet to Me 老媽的芭蕾舞“脫口秀”

Where have you been？ It’s starting in five minutes！ I hate having to leave your ticket at the box office. Why can’t you just show up on time like a normal person？ You think you’d be able to be here early since you’re not coming from a job， a girlfriend， any kind of rich social life or commitment to public service. Anyway， I’m glad you’re here. Give me a kiss.

What did you think of that usher1）？ She seems pretty， a little chunky maybe， but nice， right？ A nice face. You need to find someone like that. Did you like her？ Did you say anything to her， or did you just nod and shut down like you do around any girl that’s not Sarah？ Anyway， she is a bit chunky. Not for you.

O.K.， it’s starting. Try not to text during the show if you can help it. Do you know anything about this ballet？ It was a hundred and twenty-five dollars. You should know what you’re seeing. It was written by Wagner2）， which is pronounced “Vagner” and who was a Nazi， but before Hitler. O.K.， turn your phone off. It’s starting.

You see， what’s happening now is that she’s in love with those three men？ That’s why they’re all holding the roses. And she’s courting them at the same time. Like when you drove all the way to Providence for Sarah’s graduation and she decided she didn’t have any time for you. But I’m sure she was able to squeeze in some time for what’s-his-name， Patrick？ Are they still together？ They deserve each other. She was never right for you. She brought almond3） cake to the house after your grandmother’s funeral. As if one death wasn’t enough， she wants me to go into anaphylactic shock4） at my own mother-in-law’s funeral？ I’m not telling you who you should date. It’s not my business and I respect your “process，” but that girl was an ungrateful hussy5） who never appreciated you.

Why can’t you stand like that guy on stage？ Look at his posture. Forget that he’s black for a second， and just look at his body. His shoulders are back. He has confidence. You look like you’re apologizing even before you open your mouth. You walk in a room： no one notices. He walks on stage： we’re all looking. Look at him. He’s like a walking picture. I never dated a black man. Your father was so attractive in college. It stifled6） me， in a way.

Stop nodding off7）. What did you do all day that you’re so tired？ Are you sweating？ You smell like you’re sweating.

Look who she’s dancing with now. Quelle surprise8）！ You see？ When you stand up straight， she takes your rose. It’s just about the confidence you project. Even someone who looks like you. If you had confidence， people would notice you. There was a kid in a wheelchair back in Elmhurst but he was so funny he knew how to laugh at himself and， in a way， we all liked him.

What she’s doing now is called a Pas de Chat9）. It’s French and we all know how you did in that class， so I’ll just solve the mystery and tell you that it means “Step of the Cat.”

Ah， look at that！ She just fell！ Ha！ Clumsy. I could do that. “Step of the Cat.” I used to dance. did I tell you that？ I could’ve been successful if I hadn’t had your sister. She tore my body apart. She’s still destroying me， in a way. I could’ve done that. It looks harder than it is.

Can you pay attention for a second？ Your fidgeting10） is distracting me. I understand you’re impatient. I’ve been impatient， too. Like when I was impatient for thirty-six hours while you took your sweet time ambling down my birth canal11）. That wasn’t exactly fun for me， either. It felt like I was trying to shit out a watermelon. Had I known about the size of your head， I would’ve gotten a Caesarean12）. Hindsight13）， right？

O.K.， what’s happening now is we’re being kicked out because I’m talking too much. The usher， who I initially thought was pretty—Hi， dear！—is escorting us out. And understandably so， I haven’t stopped audibly insulting you since this started and it’s distracting to the other patrons. She is actually cute， up close. A little flabby14） in the neck， but cute. Try to get her number.

Listen， I can’t drive you home. You’ll have to take the train. Traffic is a nightmare at the tunnel right now.

I’ll see you next week. Try to be on time. I think it was a great idea that we got these season tickets. Give me a kiss. Love you， sweetheart.

你去哪兒了？還有五分鐘演出就要開始了！我可不想把你的票留在售票處。你怎么就不能像個(gè)正常人一樣準(zhǔn)時(shí)現(xiàn)身呢？你以為你一沒有工作，二沒有女朋友，三沒有什么繁雜的應(yīng)酬，更沒有公務(wù)纏身，這樣就能早到？不管怎么說，你來了我還是很高興的。給我個(gè)吻吧。

你覺得那個(gè)領(lǐng)座員怎么樣？她看著還算漂亮，雖說可能有點(diǎn)矮胖，不過還不錯(cuò)，是吧？臉蛋兒不錯(cuò)。你就需要找一個(gè)那樣的女孩兒。你喜歡她嗎？你跟她說什么了嗎？還是只是點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，一句話也沒說？除了薩拉，你對(duì)任何女孩都是這樣。話又說回來，她確實(shí)有點(diǎn)矮胖，不適合你。

好了，馬上開始了。可能的話，盡量別在演出過程中發(fā)短信。你了解這場芭蕾舞劇嗎？花了125美元啊，你總得知道你看的是什么吧！這是瓦格納的作品，不要讀成“華格納”哦，他是個(gè)納粹分子，但是在希特勒之前。好了，把你的手機(jī)關(guān)掉。馬上開始了。

你瞧見沒？現(xiàn)在的狀況是那個(gè)女人愛上了那三個(gè)男人。所以他們手里才都捧著玫瑰。她在同時(shí)追求他們?nèi)齻€(gè)。就像你，大老遠(yuǎn)地開車到普羅維登斯參加薩拉的畢業(yè)典禮，她卻鐵了心一點(diǎn)兒時(shí)間都不給你。我敢說，要是那個(gè)——他叫什么名字來著？帕特里克？——要是他去了，她肯定能抽出些時(shí)間陪他。他們還在一起嗎？他倆倒還真是般配??！她根本就不適合你。你祖母剛辦完葬禮，她就帶著杏仁蛋糕到我們家來，就好像家里死一個(gè)人還不夠，她還想讓我在自己婆婆的葬禮上過敏性休克嗎？我可不是在告訴你應(yīng)該跟誰約會(huì)，這不關(guān)我的事兒，況且我尊重你自己的“過程”，但那個(gè)女孩是個(gè)沒良心的狐貍精，她從來都不欣賞你。

你怎么就不能像舞臺(tái)上的那個(gè)家伙一樣站呢？看看人家的姿勢(shì)。暫時(shí)別去想他是個(gè)黑人，就看他那身板。人家腰板挺得多直啊，人家多有自信啊。你呢，連嘴都還沒張，就一副跟人道歉的樣子。你在房間里走，沒人注意到你；他在舞臺(tái)上一走，大家都盯著看。你瞧瞧，他就像一幅活生生的畫。我從來沒跟黑人約會(huì)過。都怪你父親上大學(xué)時(shí)太迷人了，把我給鎮(zhèn)住了，可以這么說。

別再打盹了。你一整天都干什么了，怎么那么累？你出汗了嗎？你聞起來有一股汗味。

瞧她在跟誰跳舞呢！太不可思議了！看見了吧？只要你昂首挺胸地站著，她就會(huì)接受你的玫瑰。問題的關(guān)鍵僅僅在于你展現(xiàn)出的自信，就像你這種長相的人也可以的。你要是有自信，人們就會(huì)注意到你。在埃爾姆赫斯特有個(gè)小孩兒，他雖說坐著輪椅，卻非?；?，知道怎樣拿自己開涮。從某個(gè)方面來說，我們都喜歡他。

她現(xiàn)在跳的叫“巴代沙”。這是法語，我們都知道你法語學(xué)得怎么樣，所以我就不賣關(guān)子了，直接告訴你得了——意思就是“貓步”。

啊呀，快看呀！她摔倒了！哈！真是笨??！我以前都會(huì)跳的——跳“貓步”。我過去跳過舞的，告訴過你嗎？要不是因?yàn)樯憬憬悖乙部梢猿晒Φ?。她把我的身體都撕裂了。從某個(gè)方面來說，她現(xiàn)在還在摧殘我。我本來是可以成功的。沒有看上去那么難。

你能不能專心一會(huì)兒？你在那里動(dòng)來動(dòng)去，讓我都沒法看了。我知道你沒耐心了，我也有過沒耐心的時(shí)候啊。就像在生你的那36個(gè)小時(shí)里，你順著我的產(chǎn)道慢慢吞吞、悠閑自在地漫步，那時(shí)候我就很沒耐心。那對(duì)我來說也真是不好受啊，感覺就像我正努力把一只大西瓜給拉出來。早知道你腦袋有那么大，我就選擇剖腹產(chǎn)了。這算是事后聰明嗎？

這下好了，現(xiàn)在的狀況是我們正被趕出來，因?yàn)槲以捥嗔?。那個(gè)領(lǐng)座員，就是我一開始覺得還算漂亮的那個(gè)——你好，親愛的！——正把我們領(lǐng)出來。這倒也能理解，我從一開演就喋喋不休地讓你難堪，其他人都聽見了，沒法專心看演出了。離近了看，那個(gè)女孩兒還是挺可愛的。脖頸有點(diǎn)松弛，但還是挺可愛的。想辦法把她的電話號(hào)碼要來。

聽著，我可不能載你回家，你得坐地鐵?，F(xiàn)在這個(gè)時(shí)候隧道里的交通就是一場噩夢(mèng)。

下周我們?cè)僖?。盡量要準(zhǔn)點(diǎn)啊。我覺得我們買季票真是個(gè)好主意！給我個(gè)吻吧。愛你，寶貝兒！

1.usher [????（r）] n. （戲院、教堂等公共場所的）引座員；招待員

2.Wagner：即威廉·里夏德·瓦格納（Wilhelm Richard Wagner， 1813～1883），德國作曲家。他前承莫扎特、貝多芬的歌劇傳統(tǒng)，后啟后浪漫主義歌劇作曲潮流，是德國歌劇史上一位舉足輕重的人物。同時(shí)，他因在政治、宗教方面思想的復(fù)雜性而成為歐洲音樂史上極具爭議的人物。

3.almond [?ɑ?m?nd] n. 杏仁

4.anaphylactic shock：[醫(yī)]過敏性休克

5.hussy [?h?si] n. 粗野女子，輕佻女子

6.stifle [?sta?f（?）l] vt. 使窒息；抑止

7.nod off：打瞌睡

8.quelle surprise：法語，表示驚訝。

9.pas de chat：法語，巴代沙（指芭蕾舞中像貓?zhí)频奈璨剑?/p>

10.fidget [?f?d??t] vi. 坐立不安，煩躁

11.birth canal：[解]產(chǎn)道

12.Caesarean [s??ze?ri?n] n. 剖腹產(chǎn)

13.hindsight [?ha?n（d）?sa?t] n. 事后聰明，事后的認(rèn)識(shí)

14.flabby [?fl?bi] adj. （肌肉等）松弛的，松垂的