傷離別，暖人心

by Lucy Danziger

When friends and colleagues heard that my father had died in an unexpected drowning—on Fathers Day， 1）no less—they couldnt believe I was at work the next day， that I went swimming in the morning， that I was not at home weeping.

They said： “You are in shock. ...It hasnt hit you yet. ...Youre in denial.”

I wasnt. It had hit me， but more like a warm hug than a punch. When I got the news， we were driving back from the boat dock in our beloved weekend town of Bellport， Long Island （my 16-year-old daughter 2）at the wheel and my brother Peter in the back seat）， when I saw that my stepmother had called from Maine， where she and my dad have a summer home on a lake. I listened to the frantic voice mail message and said to Peter： “This sounds bad. Really bad.”

He also had a voice mail message from her. I dialed quicker. She said words that shocked me.

“Your father drowned.”

“What？” I wanted her to take the words back. Edit them. Add “almost，” as in， “Your father almost drowned.”

“He went into the lake for a swim， went down to touch the bottom and never came up.”

“You have to tell Peter，” I said， handing him the phone.

My daughter， Day 2 behind the wheel， pulled over as I gripped her arm， hard. I got out of the car and put my face to my hands and sobbed. Three 3）gut-wrenching sobs. And that was it. We went back to the house and sat in the sun， on the drying beach towels， and talked about our father， Tony.

He had been so weak； maybe he had a heart attack. Though he was 82 and a lifelong swimmer， he may have gotten 4）disoriented when surfacing and hit his head on the dock. Who knows？

The emergency medical personnel found him under the dock， pulled him out and tried 5）CPR， but after a half-hour he would not come to， and they had to stop. He had a 6）do-not-resuscitate order.

My stepmother was shaken up by not being able to save him， but how could she have pulled a man out of seven feet of water onto a dock two feet above the surface？

He had swung a 7）golf club that day， gotten our message wishing him a happy Fathers Day， and in a strange 8）turn of events， we got a return message from him hours later when I checked my voice mail， thanking me for the call and saying： “Im going for a swim. Hope to be around to talk later. But no promises！”

He meant， no promises that he would be reachable by phone. But thats just like our dad. He made no promises he couldnt keep.

Everything around and within me is partly because of his fatherly advice， his example and even the fact that he could get impatient and stubborn. His good parts： mentoring young people and being generous with his time and advice. And his bad parts： the occasional eye-rolling and teasing and inability to take criticism.

My dad was so bright that he had 9）skipped a grade， then always seemed to judge us when we delivered anything but high marks at school.

But he also was in awe of my brothers and my physical feats， the marathons and 10）triathlons we competed in. The next morning， when I got in the pool I thought about the fact that I didnt have to call him and update him on my triathlon training， because he would just “know” things were going well， since he was all around me and within me now. I didnt need to cry.

I went to work and told the story to my colleagues， and after a little weepiness in the telling， I said， “Look， I want to be here.” I canceled nothing and kept going. I felt loved and embraced by the e-mails and texts from friends， and by the comments on Facebook， where Id put a picture of me with my dad at my wedding party， hugging me and laughing.

Why， my niece wanted to know， werent we having a funeral like her other granddad had when he died？ He was formally 11）eulogized in a big Christian church.

My father， not a religious man， was 12）cremated， and we will spread his ashes over the lake and in a few choice spots he loved. We will hold a big cheerful celebration of his life in September， with his Yale 13）chums and publishing associates and everyone he touched who wants to remember him fondly.

My son was on his way to the 14）Royal Henley Regatta on the Thames with his college crew team and called to say happy Fathers Day， and I told him the news. He asked if he should come home， if there was to be a funeral， and I said： “Go to England. Row hard， row well. Your grandfather would want that.”

When I got that voice mail message from my dad， I kept it. He sounded so 15）chipper， so happy to have played golf and excited about taking his first swim of the season.

He was more upbeat than he had been in a while， since his body had been betraying him slowly but surely—first his hips， then his heart. And finally， his remarkable mind.

Later， I told my daughter that the weekend was surreal， because other than the disastrous news， it was full of love and I was surrounded， as luck would have it， by all my “siblings，” my brother and his girlfriend， my brother-in-law from London， and of course my loving husband.

“The universe is kind，” my daughter said.

First I thought she had said， “The universe is divine.”

Either way， I agreed： kind because death can come in nonviolent ways that spare the dying any long suffering， and divine because the person who left you can actually feel closer for being with you in spirit.

It doesnt have to be all sadness， this thing called death. It can be warm and loving. It can be about going to work and being around colleagues. It can be anything you want it to be.

When I think of my father， with his hands over his head in the lake， the image of him stretched out， his fingertips reaching for the surface， its like an inverted dive. He was diving upward， toward the sky.

Some people might say it was tragic. I think it was exactly as he would have chosen to say goodbye.

當(dāng)同事和朋友們得知我父親竟然就在父親節(jié)那天意外溺亡時(shí)，他們簡直不敢相信我第二天還在工作，而且早上還去游了泳，并沒有守在家中悲傷落淚。

他們說：“你被嚇著了，還沒意識過來?！催€沒襲來?！阍诜裾J(rèn)事實(shí)?！?/p>

我并沒有。這件事的確給我?guī)砹舜驌?，但更像是一個(gè)溫暖的擁抱，而非一記重拳。得知這個(gè)消息時(shí)，我們正從我們鐘愛的周末休閑小鎮(zhèn)——長島的貝爾波特的船塢驅(qū)車回家（我16歲的女兒開車，我的弟弟彼得坐在后座上）。當(dāng)時(shí)，我看到繼母從緬因州打來電話，她和我的父親在那里有一間湖邊度假屋。我聽著語音留言信箱里那瘋狂的聲音，然后對彼得說：“這聽起來很不樂觀。真的很糟糕?！?/p>

彼得也收到了繼母的語音留言。我比他更快地回?fù)芰穗娫挕＠^母所說的話令我震驚不已。

“你的父親溺亡了?！?/p>

“什么？”我真想她收回這些話。處理一下，加上一句“差一點(diǎn)”，就像，“你的父親差一點(diǎn)就溺亡了?！?/p>

“他到湖里去游泳，潛下去觸摸湖底，就再也沒有上來了?！?/p>

“你得告訴彼得，”我說著，把電話遞給他。

我的女兒已經(jīng)開兩天車了。當(dāng)我狠狠地握緊她的手臂時(shí)，她把車停到了路邊。我下了車，把臉埋在雙手里，啜泣起來。三個(gè)人撕心裂肺地啜泣著。就這樣了。我們回到家里，曬著太陽，披著正在干透的沙灘毛巾，聊起我們的父親托尼來。

他近來身體很虛弱；也許那時(shí)他心臟病發(fā)了。雖然他已經(jīng)82歲，游泳也游了一輩子，但是也許他在浮上水面時(shí)分不清方向，頭部撞到了碼頭。誰知道呢？

急救醫(yī)療人員在碼頭底下發(fā)現(xiàn)了他，把他拉起來并嘗試對他實(shí)施心肺復(fù)蘇，可是半個(gè)小時(shí)候后他仍未能蘇醒過來，他們不得不停止搶救。他曾簽署過放棄急救同意書。

我的繼母因?yàn)闆]能挽救他的生命而崩潰了，可是，她怎么可能將一個(gè)七尺男兒拉出水面，送到離水面兩尺高的碼頭上呢？

那天，他打了高爾夫球，收到我們祝他父親節(jié)快樂的短信，讓人意想不到的是，數(shù)小時(shí)后，我在查看語音留言時(shí)收到了他給我們的回話，感謝我們的來電，并說：“我現(xiàn)在去游泳。咱們晚點(diǎn)再聊。也說不定，看吧！”

他的意思是，不保證能接聽到電話。但是這就是我們父親的做事風(fēng)格——他從不許下不能兌現(xiàn)的承諾。

我里里外外的一切在一定程度上得益于父親的建議、他的言傳身教，還有他甚至偶爾會變得不耐煩和頑固的事實(shí)。他的優(yōu)點(diǎn)在于，對年輕人諄諄善誘，從不吝嗇自己的時(shí)間和建議。而他的缺點(diǎn)在于，有時(shí)給你白眼，嘲弄你，接受不了批評。

我的父親很聰明，曾經(jīng)跳過級，如果我們在學(xué)校拿不到高分，他似乎總會看不過眼。

不過他也對弟弟和我的體育特長、我們參加的馬拉松和鐵人三項(xiàng)望而生畏。第二天，當(dāng)我跳入泳池時(shí)，我在想我已經(jīng)不必向他致電匯報(bào)我的鐵人三項(xiàng)訓(xùn)練情況了，因?yàn)樗麜爸馈笔虑檫M(jìn)展順利，皆因他現(xiàn)在就在我身邊，且已植入我心。我不必痛哭。

我返回工作崗位，把事情告訴同事們，在講述時(shí)略感悲咽，我說：“瞧，我想呆在這里。”我沒有取消任何工作，繼續(xù)前行。朋友們的電子郵件、短信以及臉譜網(wǎng)上的留言，讓我深感愛護(hù)和關(guān)懷。我在臉譜網(wǎng)上發(fā)布了一張我和父親在我婚禮上拍的照片，他摟著我，滿臉笑容。

我的侄女想知道，為什么我們沒有像她的外公去世時(shí)那樣為爺爺舉行葬禮？她外公去世時(shí)，大家曾在一座宏偉的基督教堂里辦過悼念儀式。

我父親不信奉宗教，他死后進(jìn)行了火化，我們會將他的骨灰撒在他遇溺的湖上，以及幾個(gè)他喜愛的地方。我們會在九月份為他開一個(gè)盛大的歡樂追思會，邀請他在耶魯大學(xué)的密友和出版合作伙伴，以及每一個(gè)曾經(jīng)被他觸動(dòng)，并想愉快地紀(jì)念他的人。

我兒子和他大學(xué)的劃艇隊(duì)一起去參加泰晤士河上的亨利皇家賽舟會。途中，他打電話來說父親節(jié)快樂，我把這個(gè)消息告訴了他。他問是否需要他趕回家，是否會舉行葬禮，我說：“去英格蘭吧。努力劃，好好劃。你外公會希望看到你在努力?！?/p>

我保留著父親給我的那條語音留言。他的聲音聽起來那么爽朗，因?yàn)榇蛄烁郀柗蚯蚨@得非常高興，也因?yàn)閷⒁谶@個(gè)季節(jié)第一次下水游泳而興奮。

他比前一段時(shí)間精神多了，因?yàn)樗纳眢w已經(jīng)明顯地漸漸不聽使喚——一開始是他的髖部，然后是他的心臟。最后，是他那了不起的大腦。

后來，我跟女兒說，這個(gè)周末感覺很不真實(shí)，因?yàn)槌ミ@個(gè)噩耗，這段時(shí)間充滿了關(guān)愛，我很幸運(yùn)地被我所有的“兄弟姐妹”圍繞：我弟弟和他女朋友，我來自倫敦的姐夫，當(dāng)然，還有我深愛的丈夫。

“這個(gè)宇宙很仁慈，”女兒說。

我原以為她說的是：“這個(gè)宇宙很神圣?！?/p>

無論是哪一種，我都認(rèn)同：仁慈是因?yàn)樗劳隹梢砸苑潜┝Φ姆绞浇蹬R，讓先人免受長時(shí)間的折磨；神圣是因?yàn)橄捎蔚娜藢?shí)際上也能感覺與你更親近，因?yàn)樗诰裆吓c你同在。

這被稱為死亡的東西，并不一定全是悲傷。它也可以是溫暖，且滿載著愛意。它可以關(guān)乎回到工作崗位，和同事們待在一起。它可以是你希望它成為的任何東西。

每當(dāng)我想起父親，想到他在湖中，雙手伸過頭部，想起他伸展著身子，手指盡力伸出水面的畫面，感覺就像顛倒過來的跳水動(dòng)作。他在向上跳水，潛向天空。

有些人可能會說這是一場悲劇。而我卻認(rèn)為，這正是我父親愿意選擇的道別方式。