單身父親血淚史

Author Unknown

My sons mother passed three days after his birth. When we knew she was pregnant we had to make a decision between maintaining care for her known cancer or the child and she made that decision for us. For this reason alone my son is more to me than I can possibly explain. He is both her and himself is because of her sacrifice.

我兒子出生三天后他媽媽就過世了。當(dāng)初知道她懷孕， 我們就得做出抉擇：要繼續(xù)她的癌癥治療，還是保住孩子，最終她為我們做了決定。正是這個(gè)原因，兒子對(duì)我的重要性簡(jiǎn)直無法言喻。他是她自我犧牲的結(jié)晶，也是她生命的延續(xù)。

In the beginning it was hard. Single mothers have a hard enough life， but single fathers， get in many cases， the even thinner end of the stick. Many support programs are tailored to single mothers， a lot of books are written from a female 1）perspective and both employers and society look at single male parents from a different perspective.

Since I can not breastfeed I had to make a decision between feeding formula and finding a surrogate. I opted for a surrogate， And while women have access to tools to make this happen， men do not. Walking into a hospital as a man and asking for a 2）funnel machine got me the weirdest looks...

Changing my son on the go is another issue. Many child changing stations are inside the female 3）lavatories， so I had to carry a tarp and often change him one-handed when there was no surface to work with.

Being a single man with a small child 4）raises many more flags than being a single woman. I was pulled over by the cops， on more than one occasion， because I carried a 2 year old 5）throwing a temper tantrum into a car. While I appreciate the 6）diligence of cops and callers， it became very annoying after a while.

Many single mothers I know tell me about how hard it was to find a partner due to their commitments （Why would anyone date a single mom？）. I agree. Its hard. There seems to be a perception that men with kids have it easier， but thats 7）hogwash. Usually it would go like this：“Oh， you have a kid？”—half of my dates lost interest. “What happened to the mother？” “She died”—mood ruined， lucky if you get a second date with someone who doesnt want to nurse you and your son back from bachelor hell.

剛開始的日子很艱難。那些單身媽媽過的日子就夠難的了，而單身爸爸的處境往往更是窘迫。很多援助項(xiàng)目都是專門給單身媽媽制訂的，很多書籍也是從女性的角度撰寫的；雇主和社會(huì)各界都用一種不同的眼光看待單身父親。

由于我自己無法給兒子進(jìn)行母乳喂養(yǎng)，我就得決定，是給他喂配方奶呢，還是給他找代母喂哺母乳。我選擇給他找代母，可是這件事女人之間好幫忙，男人做起來卻處處碰壁，我一個(gè)大男人到醫(yī)院里去，找人給我兒子喂奶，結(jié)果得到的是最奇怪的表情……

在外頭給兒子換尿布是另一個(gè)大問題。很多嬰兒換尿布臺(tái)都是放在女洗手間里，因此我必須隨身帶一塊防水布，在沒有平臺(tái)的情況下單手給他換尿布。

帶著幼兒的單身男子比起單身女子來會(huì)更招人耳目。我曾不止一次被警察攔到路邊，就是只是因?yàn)槲野岩粋€(gè)哭嚷鬧脾氣的兩歲男孩抱進(jìn)車?yán)?。我很欣賞警察和輔警的勤勉，但這種事情遇多了就變得很煩人。

我認(rèn)識(shí)的很多單身媽媽告訴我，因?yàn)閹е⒆拥木壒?，她們很難找到另一半（人家干嗎要找個(gè)單身媽媽來談戀愛呢？）。我同意。這很難。似乎有這樣一種看法，認(rèn)為單身父親找對(duì)象要容易一些，但這其實(shí)是一派胡言。情況通常會(huì)是這樣，“哦，你有孩子呀？”——然后一半的約會(huì)對(duì)象就都對(duì)我沒興趣了。“他媽媽呢？”“她死了?！薄?dú)夥站徒o毀了。還愿意跟你約會(huì)見第二次的，那就算你走運(yùn)了，誰愿意下地獄給你照料大人拉扯小孩的。

I have been in some relationships since the death， mostly 8）superficial. Until very recently， I was more or less happy with this. At the moment I am heavily rethinking this and contemplating different situations. We will see. After three years of this， Ive built quite a shell around me. I made an effort to let that shell down recently， and the 9）onslaught was raw and painful. I know it was worth it， even though I made some terrible mistakes because of it.

I am extremely fortunate in some ways. I have people who consider my son family at this point and will care for him as much as they can while I am at work or pursuing other opportunities. In fact he considers them his parents， too. But because this is not a romantic or biological link， there is always a chance of this changing and I am well aware of it.

Society has a hard time with single dads. As one of my female single mom friends once said， very poignantly， “single mother， most people think was an accident， single father they all assume a 10）catastrophe”. Support groups are sometimes openly hostile to a male presence， other parents are（somewhat understandably） reluctant to let their kids come over for playdates unless theyre present， and telling your employer what the law is usually makes them angry.

Perhaps these two situations can help shed some light on certain issues that are more or less unique to us：

自從小孩的媽媽去世后，我也跟別人談過幾次戀愛，但大多都是霧水情緣。對(duì)此，我一直還不是很介意，但最近心態(tài)變了，我正認(rèn)真地反思，考慮各種可能性?？匆院髸?huì)怎樣吧。這樣過了三年后，我已經(jīng)在四周建構(gòu)起一個(gè)堅(jiān)硬外殼。近來，我努力嘗試把這個(gè)外殼卸下，這種沖擊殘酷而疼痛。盡管我因此而犯過一些嚴(yán)重的錯(cuò)誤，但我知道這么做是值得的。

我在有些方面還是很幸運(yùn)的。有些人考慮到我一個(gè)人帶著兒子，在我工作或是尋求其他機(jī)會(huì)的時(shí)候視同家人一般及其所能地幫我照看兒子。事實(shí)上他也把照看他的人當(dāng)成父母了。但這是一種既非情緣也非血緣上的關(guān)系，所以情況經(jīng)常變化，這一點(diǎn)我也非常清楚。

單身爸爸在社會(huì)上是很難立足的。正如我認(rèn)識(shí)的一個(gè)單身媽媽非常痛心地說的那樣：“很多人認(rèn)為單身媽媽純屬不幸，但單身爸爸，人人都覺得那是種災(zāi)難?！币恍┓鲋鷪F(tuán)體有時(shí)會(huì)公然不歡迎男士求助，其他父母往往不愿意讓孩子獨(dú)自去單身爸爸帶的小孩家里玩（其實(shí)也挺能理解的）。另外，跟你的老板講法律就常常會(huì)惹惱他們。

或許下面兩種情況可以展示我們這種或多或少很獨(dú)特的生活：

I always carry my sons passport with me when we go to the playground. A random single man sitting on a park bench watching kids play will get the cops called. After the first time， I started carrying the passport.

Leaving the country with my son was an 11）ordeal. “Where is the mother or the mothers consent form？” “I am a single father” “Wait here” “Sorry you missed your flight， pass on through”.

One last thing： I am in the same boat as many of my female 12）counterparts—it takes me a while before I allow romantic interests into my home to meet my son there. Women seem to have an easier time making a case for this， I am usually looked at like someone who has something to hide. I am more comfortable， at least in the beginning， to meet her somewhere else and spend time at her place rather than her coming into my house. Not because I distrust her or because I have something to hide but this is almost like“meeting the rents” for me and takes a while for me to be comfortable with it. This is the same on both genders， but men get looked at differently for it.

But！ And here it comes—I would not， for one second， trade it for anything. Seeing my son grow up， watching him learn things， hearing his first 13）coherent sentences with the right tense and 14）inflection， hearing the“I love you daddy” after I put him to bed， all that makes for a life that I would trade for nothing else. Never. Ever.

每次帶兒子去游樂場(chǎng)的時(shí)候，我都會(huì)帶上兒子的護(hù)照。任何一個(gè)單身男人坐在公園的長椅上看孩子們玩耍都是會(huì)招來警察的。從我被查問過一次以后，我就開始帶護(hù)照了。

就連帶著兒子出國也是一種考驗(yàn)?！昂⒆拥膵寢屇?？或者有她的同意書嗎？”“我是個(gè)單身父親。”“請(qǐng)?jiān)诖松缘?。”“?duì)不起，您所乘坐的飛機(jī)已經(jīng)起飛了，得轉(zhuǎn)乘?！?/p>

最后，我跟大多數(shù)單身媽媽一樣有著相同的境況，我會(huì)在交往過一段時(shí)間后才把對(duì)方帶到家里，見見我的兒子。這點(diǎn)對(duì)單身媽媽來說要容易處理一些。我卻常常被人看成不坦率。說實(shí)話，至少在剛開始的時(shí)候，我覺得跟女方在外面別的地方或是在女方的家里見面會(huì)更舒服，而不是讓女方到我家里來。不是因?yàn)槲也恍湃蝿e人，也不是我有什么要藏著掖著的，這在我看來很像是“見家長”，我得花一段時(shí)間才能適應(yīng)過來。無論是單身爸爸還是單身媽媽，情況都是一樣的，只是人們對(duì)男人的看法不同而已。

但是！重點(diǎn)來了——我決不愿意拿兒子的幸福去交換任何東西，一秒鐘也不行?？粗鴥鹤勇L大，看著他學(xué)習(xí)，聽到他第一次說出字正腔圓又流利的話，哄他睡覺時(shí)聽到他說“爸爸，我愛你”，這一切組成了我的幸福人生，我決不會(huì)拿這種幸福去交換任何東西。過去不會(huì)，將來也不會(huì)。