媽媽，想說抱你不容易

by Caroline Archer

Ever since I left home 15 years ago the relationship between my mother and I has steadily worsened. 1）In hindsight it was never very good， but its taken 15 years of counselling and 2）soul-searching to realise that. The fact of the matter is my mother and I dont like each other much. We dont hate each other. Were just sort of indifferent.

My mother and I live hundreds of miles apart and， as the case of most of my friends， this should mean that visits “home” （though I never call it that in the way that other people do） should be times of joy and excitement. Instead they are weekends （since that can rarely be longer） of tense， polite conversation， both of us desperately searching for something in common to talk about （usually what shes currently watching on television）.

自從我離家到如今的15年里，母親與我的關(guān)系一直持續(xù)惡化?，F(xiàn)在回過頭來看，其實我倆的關(guān)系從來就不是很好，但我卻是費了15年時間的心理輔導和自我反省來明白這個事實。事實上，母親和我并不怎么喜歡彼此。我們不憎恨對方。我們就是有那么點兒冷淡。

我的母親和我住得有幾百英里遠，如果讓我大多數(shù)的朋友來說，回“家”（雖然我從不像其他人那樣將它稱之為“家”）應該是喜悅和興奮的時刻。但事實上，這些回家的周末（甚少超過周休二日）是那么的氣氛緊張，充滿客氣拘束的對話，我們都拼命地尋找某些共同話題來聊（通常是她時下正在看的電視節(jié)目）。

As a thirtysomething woman on the verge of becoming a mother myself， I am constantly surrounded by reminders that my mum should be my best friend. Youthful mothers going to salons with their best-friend daughters. Because its all so alien to me， I tend to become somewhat 3）fixated. Looking beyond the principal plotlines of films and become obsessed with the parts that involve a mother and daughter or a large， loving family headed up by a 4）quirky matriarch. When the film Mamma Mia！ came out， I went to see it with a girlfriend for a bit of a laugh. It was mainly about love affairs between Meryl Streep and her exes， and her daughters wedding， but for me it was about the extraordinary esteem in which her daughter held her mum and the affection between them. As I watched， I was， as always， bewildered by the apparently natural bond that mothers and daughters have on screen. My friend Suzy has the sort of relationship with her mum that 5）baffles and fascinates me.

I didnt have an unhappy upbringing. I wasnt a particularly happy child but that wasnt down to child abuse or neglect. I was clothed， and fed， I had ballet lessons， I went to university. I knew—and know—that theres always somewhere to stay if I need it and probably money to borrow if necessary. But sad， my mother and I never had the sort of closeness I saw in my friends relationships. The one time I tried to ask my mother about her teenage years she told me to mind my own business. So I did.

我，作為一個即將為人母的三十多歲的女人，不斷被周圍提醒：我的母親應該是我最好的朋友。年輕漂亮的媽媽們都和她們最好的朋友——女兒，一起去發(fā)型沙龍做頭發(fā)去。如此場景對我來說太陌生了，我都變執(zhí)著起來了?？措娪暗臅r候，我會忽視主要情節(jié)，只醉心劇中母女相處的部分，或是著迷于奇趣祖母掌舵有愛大家族的情節(jié)。當電影《媽媽咪呀》上映的時候，為了找點樂子，我和一個女伴一起去看了。影片主要是講梅里爾·斯特里普與她的前夫間的風流韻事，以及她女兒的婚禮，但于我而言，那其實是在講梅里爾·斯特里普的女兒對母親的超凡敬重以及兩人之間的濃濃愛意?？粗@些影片，我時常對屏幕上那顯然易見、自然流露的母女情愫感到困惑。我的朋友蘇西與她的母親就有這種令我困惑又使我著迷的關(guān)系。

我并沒有不愉快的成長經(jīng)歷。小時候我不是一個特別快樂的小孩兒，但也不至于經(jīng)歷虐兒或者被無視忽略。我衣食無憂，我上芭蕾課，我讀了大學。我過去知道——現(xiàn)在也明白——如果我需要，總有個地方可以讓我呆著，如果必要的話，也許還能借出錢來。但可惜的是，母親與我之間從未有過那種親昵，那種我從我的朋友身上看到的母女情深。有一次我試著詢問母親關(guān)于她的青蔥歲月，她告訴我管好自己就行了。我也的確這么做了。

I left home as soon as possible， and met the man who is now my husband at university and he quickly stepped into the role of best friend， 6）confidante and emotional support-giver. I made several enduring friendships， most of my friends believe me to be a loving and caring individual and I know I could turn to any one of them in an emergency， and them me. Yet I cant remember the last time my mother and I hugged （though I hug my friends all the time） and the very thought of it makes me cringe. My mother is the last person I go to in a crisis. I dont need to do so any more as I have my friends.

This lacking close relationship with her bothers other people a lot. I used to go through phases of worrying about it and trying to repair the damage. But all the while I was aware that I was doing it for other people. I visit， infrequently， but I visit. The thing is I do it not so I can see her， but so her neighbours and family can see me visiting. A few years ago， before I realised I didnt care any more， I called her up and asked whether we could 7）sort it out. Her answer told me everything I needed to know： “Sort what out？” I stopped bothering from that moment on. Now my principal concern is explaining to people why I dont see her that often， and the guilt I feel is for not really having a good enough reason. My parents werent divorced， there has been no huge family dispute， there is no big 8）skeleton in anyones cupboard （well， not mine， anyway）.

I recently went to see a nurse for a 9）routine appointment and she asked a host of questions about my mother. Eventually， I had to confess that I didnt know half the answers. She asked whether I could find out. My heart sank as I imagined having to give away a detail of my life （such as why I was going to the nurse） to my own mother. Mothers Day is a nightmare. Trying to find a card that doesnt say， “My Mother， My Best Friend” or “The Best Mother in The World” or “My heroine”is not easy， let me tell you. Others try to fix it for me. “Why dont you book a spa weekend？” they say helpfully. The very thought of my mother agreeing to or enjoying something like that is laughable. Or they ask， “Why dont you go for counseling？” This would be all well and good（if she would ever condone the idea）， but it implies a relationship that needs to be mended. Why does it need to be fixed at all？

Were my mother a woman I had met on a train and chatted to for half an hour， she would be one of the last people in the world I would want to talk to for another half-hour. I simply grew up and discovered that I didnt like my mother as a human being. Shes not like me （at least I hope not）. Shes self-obsessed， not interested in others， thoughtless and incapable of genuine warmth. She has no concept of giving love to receive love， and has never asked me a single， meaningful question about my life or career.

Some people might feel that I have a duty as a daughter to “be there” for my mother； that its down to me to repair our relationship. But because of the way shes raised me， I dont feel theres a relationship to repair. Although I would want no harm to come to anyone， I honestly couldnt care less if she was alive or dead.

And the only sad thing about that is that people will hate me for saying so.

我迫不及待地離開了家，在大學遇到了我現(xiàn)在的丈夫，他迅速地進入了好友、知己和情感支撐的角色。我建立了不少長久的友誼，我的大多數(shù)朋友都認為我是一個有愛心和同情心的人，而我也知道我能在緊急狀況時求助于他們當中的任何一個，反之亦然。然而我卻記不住與母親的上一次擁抱（但是我經(jīng)常擁抱我的朋友），一想到這兒就令我心寒。在危急的狀況下，母親是最后一個我會去求助的人。我根本不需要這么做，因為我有朋友。

與母親之間的疏遠關(guān)系給別人帶來了不少困擾。我也曾擔心過這件事，也曾試圖修補裂痕。但我始終意識到我這是礙于旁人閑話而這么做的。我探望她，雖然不太經(jīng)常，但我探望了。我為的不是要見她，而是要她的鄰居和家人看到我有來探望她。幾年前，在我徹底放棄之前，我給母親打了通電話問她我倆是否能夠解決這個問題。她的回答告知了我需要了解的一切：“解決什么？”從那一刻起我開始不屑了。當下我最關(guān)心的是要向人們解釋我為何不時常去探望她，而我的罪惡感是因為我沒有一個真正足夠好的理由。我的父母沒有離婚，沒有什么大的家庭糾紛，也沒什么大的家丑要掖著（好吧，總之，與我無關(guān)）。

近來我會定期約見一個護士，她會問起一大堆關(guān)于我母親的問題。最終，我不得不承認有一半的問題我都答不出來。她問我是否可以找到答案。我的心為之一沉，因為想到得向母親交代自己的生活細節(jié)（比如我為什么去見那個護士）。母親節(jié)就是個噩夢。老實告訴你，去找一張沒有寫著“母親，我的摯友”、“世上最好的母親”或者“我的女豪杰”的卡片并沒那么簡單。旁人試圖給我解決方案?！盀槭裁茨悴辉谥苣╊A訂個水療呢？”他們熱心地說。讓我的母親同意并去享受類似水療那般的事物，這種奇思妙想是可笑的。再者她們會問：“為什么你不去試一下心理輔導？”這應當是個萬全之策（如果她能夠容忍這個主意的話），但這意味著這段關(guān)系需要被修補。究竟為什么需要修復呢？

假使我母親是我在火車上偶遇并聊上半個小時的女人，我是絕對不會再愿意多花半小時跟她聊天的。我只是長大后發(fā)現(xiàn)我不喜歡我母親那種人。她和我不同（至少我希望不同）。她自戀，對別人毫不關(guān)心，不替別人著想而且給不了別人真摯的溫暖。她不懂得以愛換愛的概念，而且從來沒問過關(guān)于我生活或事業(yè)的任何一個有意義的問題。

有些人會覺得，我作為一個女兒有為母親守候備至的責任；修補與母親之間的關(guān)系該由我來做。但由于母親養(yǎng)育我的方式，我并不覺得有什么關(guān)系需要修補。雖然我不愿任何人受到傷害，但說實話，她是死是活，我真的不在乎。

唯一一件傷神的事兒就是人們會因為我這么說而恨我。