一位繼母的歡樂與哀愁

by Tina Boscha

I believe that stepparents have the secondhardest job there is， second only—and this is a close second—to parenting.

Its hard to say when I became a stepparent. Was it the time when I， not Dad， was nudged awake at 3：00 am by the youngest when she felt 1）nauseous？ Was it the first time I was called “Mom” by“accident”？ Or was it just a few weeks ago， when my husband and I officially married？ It wasnt the latter； I was Stepmom long before that. But the exact moment cant be 2）pinpointed. Stepparents dont have the 3）miraculous day of childbirth. Instead， they have the initial awkward meeting， where the kids avoid eye contact and stare all at the same time， and friends call immediately afterward to ask， “Howd it go？”

我認(rèn)為繼父母這項(xiàng)工作的挑戰(zhàn)性僅次于，但也極其接近最艱難的工作——那就是盡父母之責(zé)，養(yǎng)育兒女。

要問我自己是何時成為繼母的，這不好說。是在凌晨三點(diǎn)鐘，當(dāng)幺女感到惡心不適，將我，而不是她爸爸，推醒的那一刻嗎？或是我第一次“意外地”被人稱作“媽媽”的那一刻？或者是幾周前，我和丈夫正式成為夫妻的時候？并不是后者，遠(yuǎn)在結(jié)婚前很長一段時間，我就已經(jīng)成為繼母了。但具體的時間無法準(zhǔn)確闡明。繼父母沒有經(jīng)歷孩子出生的奇跡時刻。取而代之的是，他們會有初次與孩子們的尷尬會面，其間，孩子們躲避眼神接觸，自始至終空瞪著，事后朋友們會馬上打電話來問：“怎樣，還好吧？”

People say my situation is lucky， but I think thats a response to the 4）stereotype of stepparents as selfish， uninterested， and threatened， or stepkids as hostile and 5）sullen. I have a great relationship with my stepdaughters， who call me both Tina and Mom， and weve decided that whatever name comes out first is okay. I have a warm relationship with their mother， who is always Mommy， but who respects the importance of my role. She calls us a team； together with my husband， we say we coparent.

This doesnt mean its easy. Its weird sometimes. When my husband went out of town on a weekend that was “ours，” I wondered， do I still have the kids？ Then I wondered， if he dies， what happens to me？ What happens to Stepmom？ Questions like these affirm my belief that stepparenting is extraordinarily difficult. Stepparentings role and expectations are 6）amorphous. I constantly wonder about the intensity of my feelings—love， fear， anger， frustration—and I ask myself， what if these girls were biologically mine？ How intense would my feelings be then？ Sometimes， I question if I dont feel enough. Ive decided to accept that these questions dont have answers. And in the end， I did have the kids that weekend.

I wipe away snot， worry about calcium intake， buy them new shoes every other week. I call in sick when the youngest has the flu （again）. I raise my voice and make them fold their laundry.

I get annoyed at too many questions and wish theyd go away， and five minutes later， smile at the energy they give our home with the silly dances they 7）choreograph and the extraordinarily strange ways they put clothes together.

I may not know just when I became a stepparent， but I do know that I will be one for the rest of my life. I am forever changed. I believe that my role as Stepmom is ill-defined and important and that the teenage years， just two years away， will try my patience in ways I cant yet imagine.

Bring it on.

人們說我的情況算幸運(yùn)的，但我覺得那是他們對繼父母存在成見，總以為繼父母就是自私、冷漠、步步為營的，或者繼子女就是充滿敵意并且悶悶不樂的。我和我的繼女們的關(guān)系很好，她們既叫我“蒂娜”也叫我“媽媽”，我們也都達(dá)成共識，喊哪個稱呼都可以。我和她們的媽媽關(guān)系也不錯，她們總是叫她“媽咪”，她也尊重我在這個家庭里的重要性。她稱我們?yōu)橐粋€團(tuán)隊(duì)；加上我的丈夫，我們則認(rèn)為我們是共同撫養(yǎng)。

這并不意味著事情就很簡單。有時候還是感覺怪怪的。有時候在本來屬于“我們的”某個周末，丈夫要到外地去，我就會疑惑，孩子們還跟我嗎？然后我還開始疑惑，如果丈夫去世了，我將怎么辦？繼母會遇到怎樣的情況？諸如此類的問題使我更加肯定，當(dāng)繼母實(shí)在不易。繼父母的角色和期望模糊不定。我時常懷疑自己感情（愛、恐懼、憤怒、沮喪）的強(qiáng)度，然后問自己，如果這些女孩是我親生的，我又會怎樣？我的感情會有多強(qiáng)烈呢？有時候，我懷疑自己是否感覺不夠強(qiáng)烈。我決定要接受這個事實(shí)：這些問題是沒有答案的。最后，那個周末，孩子們?nèi)耘f是我的孩子。

我給她們擦鼻涕，擔(dān)心她們?nèi)扁}，每隔一周就為她們買新鞋子。當(dāng)幺女染上流感時（不止一次了），我打電話請病假。我扯高嗓子，督促她們自己疊衣服。我為她們問個沒完而感到厭煩，希望她們都走開，但五分鐘后，看到她們跳著滑稽的自排舞蹈，穿著胡亂搭配起來的奇裝異服，我又會因她們?yōu)檫@個家?guī)砹嘶盍Χ⑿ζ饋怼?/p>

我或許不知道自己是什么時候成了繼母，但是我確實(shí)明白自己的余生都會是一個繼母。我的人生被永遠(yuǎn)地改變了。我認(rèn)為自己作為繼母的角色不甚明確，同時也很重要，而且相信在兩年之后，當(dāng)孩子們進(jìn)入青春期，我的耐心將會經(jīng)受難以想象的考驗(yàn)。

放馬過來吧！