虛設(shè)的生命期限

I taught English in Japan for two years when I was in my early 30s， and I was already late. I was late for life. I didnt graduate from 1）undergrad school till I was 28， because of a series of factors， many of which had to do with alcohol and 2）marijuana consumption， and the overall feeling that Id already 3）blown it by the time I was 18.

Teaching in Japan was one of my first big comebacks， second only to 4）pulling off a Masters degree in English after my 10-year undergraduate odyssey. I applied to the 5）JET program at absolute random， and got out of 6）dodge， 7）aka， the Midwest.

30歲出頭時(shí)，我在日本教了兩年英語，這時(shí)我就已經(jīng)遲了。我的人生起步晚了。直到28歲，我才大學(xué)畢業(yè)，這其中有一系列因素，而這些因素大多和酒精、大麻以及那種認(rèn)為自己的人生到18歲時(shí)已完全毀掉了的總體感覺有關(guān)。

在日本教書是我回歸生活正途的第一個(gè)重大舉措，僅次于在如奧德賽旅程那般漫長的10年大學(xué)生涯后再取得英語碩士學(xué)位那個(gè)舉措。完全是亂打亂撞的一次機(jī)會(huì)，我申請參加了日本的交換教學(xué)項(xiàng)目，然后我終于“出逃”，離開美國中西部。

So I was sitting there in Japan in my little room， on the floor， on the tatami mat—I didnt have any furniture except the low 8）kutatsu， the old-style Japanese warming table. I slept on a thin 9）futon on the floor. I was getting ready to come back to the Midwest for the end-of-the-year holidays after a year-and-a-half of being gone. And I was having a complete anxiety attack.

Again I thought I was too late. I hadnt gotten to the point I wanted to before going back to see my family again—what point？ Who knew？ Psychological， emotional， financial， physical？ My hair wasnt right. And so on. I could hardly leave the room. I could barely get on the plane. And when I did I thought I left the gas line for the stove on. You had to turn it off when you were gone in Japan， in case there was an earthquake.

10）Mild 11）OCD， I guess. I had selfdiagnosed， my usual method. From ages 18 to 28， my long undergraduate years， I was probably 12）self-medicating. Well， I made it on my trip back to Milwaukee， Minneapolis and Madison to see the various members of my family. My dad said he admired my pace. I also made it to half of Asia while I was lived in Japan： South Korea， Thailand， Vietnam， Malaysia， China， India， Hong Kong， always sticking to the cities.

我坐在我日本小屋子地板上的榻榻米墊子上——家里除了矮小的舊式日本暖桌之外，沒有其他任何家具。我睡在鋪著薄薄日式床墊的地板上。在消失了一年半之后，我準(zhǔn)備回到美國中西部過年終假期。當(dāng)時(shí)我完全焦慮成病。

又一次，我覺得自己太遲了。當(dāng)我再次回去探望我的家人時(shí)，我并沒有取得我想要達(dá)到的成就——我想要取得的成就是什么呢？誰知道呢？心理上，情感上，財(cái)政上，還是外形上？我的發(fā)型不夠好。諸如此類。我?guī)缀醪桓易叱龇块g。我?guī)缀醪桓业巧巷w機(jī)。當(dāng)我要離開的時(shí)候，我會(huì)想我是否沒有關(guān)閉火爐的輸氣管道。在日本，你必須在離家時(shí)關(guān)閉輸氣管道，以防地震發(fā)生產(chǎn)生危險(xiǎn)。

我想這是輕度強(qiáng)迫癥。我會(huì)自我診斷——這是我常用的方法。從18到28歲，我漫長的大學(xué)生涯中，我大概都是不遵醫(yī)囑、自我治療度過的。好吧，我成功地踏上了前往密爾沃基、明尼亞波利斯和麥迪遜去探望家人的旅程。我父親說，他欣賞我按照自己的步伐走。我住在日本時(shí)，也走遍了半個(gè)亞洲：韓國、泰國、越南、馬來西亞、中國、印度和中國香港，總是沿著各個(gè)城市旅行。

I took a swing through West Europe on the way home， 13）via Istanbul， and then it was time to move to New York. I got everything ready. I had my dishes and my futon and my coffee cup that I would drink out of the first morning I woke up in my cousins basement apartment in the Bronx. I packed up the rental car and took off. My mom helped me pack. Everything had to be ready. Everything had to be just so.

Wild 14）chaos 15）set in as I was dropped down into the city. The easy， 16）symmetrical grid of Manhattan virtually seemed to spin before my eyes as I tracked down one false lead after another to find a job. I was behind， once again， looking for 17）entry-level jobs at the age of 31. I could barely fill the page on my resume. The missing years 18）loomed before me. The chaos was all in my mind.

I had so many things I wanted to do and I had wasted so much time. In 19）The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge the character speaks of a man who takes to his bed because he is trying to hold on to time. He can feel time passing and it 20）dizzies him such that he has to lie down. He has to try to grab it and then he can actually feel the earth turning. He can feel the movement of time itself.

回家的旅程上，我還繞了去西歐，經(jīng)過伊斯坦布爾，然后就該往紐約去了。我一切準(zhǔn)備就緒。我準(zhǔn)備了餐具、沙發(fā)床墊和咖啡杯——咖啡杯是我在布朗克斯區(qū)我表親的地下室公寓中睡醒的第一個(gè)早上，會(huì)用來喝咖啡的。我把東西打包到租賃汽車上之后就出發(fā)了。我母親幫我打包行李。一切必須準(zhǔn)備就緒。一切就這樣準(zhǔn)備就緒了。

但是當(dāng)我在曼哈頓城住下來后，我開始感到混亂不堪。當(dāng)我一次又一次地艱難尋找工作時(shí)，這個(gè)舒適、格局對稱的曼哈頓城事實(shí)上似乎在我眼前旋轉(zhuǎn)。我又一次落后了，在31歲這個(gè)年齡，依然尋找著初級(jí)的工作崗位。我的簡歷乏善可陳，一頁紙也寫不滿。那些錯(cuò)失的光陰隱隱浮現(xiàn)在我腦海中。我的腦子里一片混亂。

我有許多想做的事情，但是我浪費(fèi)了很多時(shí)間。在《馬爾特·勞里茨·布里格隨筆》里的人物說到有一個(gè)人，他總是躺在床上，想抓住時(shí)間。他能夠感覺到時(shí)間流逝，這使他感到暈眩，他不得不躺在床上。他努力想要抓住流逝的時(shí)間，這樣才能感覺到地球在轉(zhuǎn)。他能夠感覺到時(shí)間本身在流逝。

This struck me as such an interesting 21）paradox when I was about 28. In his attempt to capture time in all its linear 22）omnipotence， the man becomes 23）paralyzed； his life 24）comes to a halt. I wanted to run at that point， at 28， and I did， to Japan， all around Asia and to New York. In my own way I was trying to capture time as much as the man had， only by packing things into my life as fast as I could.

I made it through East Europe and South America before I had my son. And no sooner did I have him than people started saying， enjoy him while hes still little， the time goes so fast. That annoyed me to death. For one thing， I was enjoying him. For another thing， hes 11 now and Im still enjoying him—wont ever stop. The idea of time racing by and sweeping us up powerlessly in its wake is a valid one in some senses； in others its not.

我28歲時(shí)，這個(gè)有趣的悖論震撼到我了。他試圖抓住時(shí)間這擁有無限力量的線性存在，自己卻癱瘓了；他的生命停滯不前。而我想要在28歲時(shí)跑到那個(gè)點(diǎn)，我也確實(shí)做到了，走遍日本、亞洲各地和紐約。我像這個(gè)人一樣想要盡可能多地抓住時(shí)間，只是我以自己的方式，通過盡我最快的速度將事情都安排到生命的旅程中。

在生下兒子之前，我就走遍了東歐和南美洲。我把他生下來之后，人家就開始說，趁著他還小，好好享受和他在一起的日子吧，時(shí)間總是稍縱即逝。這使我惱怒不已。一方面，我過去享受和他在一起的日子。另一方面，他現(xiàn)在11歲，我仍然享受和他在一起——永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)停止。時(shí)間稍縱即逝，席卷眾生，我們無力抗?fàn)?。其?shí)這種想法只在某種程度上是正確的；在某些意義上，卻不然。

In the same way， some deadlines are valid and some arent. Of the many times when I thought it was too late for something， it never was. They were false deadlines I had set for myself. Things had to be this way by this time； I had to look this certain way by this time； I had to have done this particular thing by this time—they were life deadlines， and none of them were valid. They passed by unfulfilled and nothing happened.

On the contrary， whenever anything of significance has happened in my life its happened over time， gradually， and things have had a way of 25）falling into place.

Life sets its own deadlines， and it seems were always in such a hurry to meet them. Life also gives you second chances on many occasions. I keep myself ready to jump for them—its my own style of religious 26）vigilance.

同樣地，一些期限是真的，一些則是虛設(shè)的。很多次我想到要我去做某些事為時(shí)已晚時(shí)，我就會(huì)意識(shí)到，其實(shí)，永遠(yuǎn)都不晚。那些都是我為自己虛設(shè)的期限。事情到某個(gè)時(shí)間為止，必須是這樣的；到某個(gè)時(shí)間為止，我必須有某種看法；到某個(gè)時(shí)間為止，我必須完成特定的事情——這些都是生命中的期限，但是其中無一是真實(shí)的。這些事情我并沒有完成，但是也不會(huì)有什么后果。

相反的是，我生命中重要的事情，都要經(jīng)過時(shí)間的發(fā)酵，細(xì)煎慢燉，而事情總會(huì)有其塵埃落定的過程。

生命有自己固有的各種期限，我們似乎總是迫不及待想要趕上這些期限。生命也屢屢給予我們第二次機(jī)會(huì)。我時(shí)刻準(zhǔn)備著為這些機(jī)會(huì)去嘗試——這是我自成一派的信仰自覺性。