手中紙，心中愛

此次小編節(jié)選的文章出自劉宇昆的短篇故事——《手中紙，心中愛》，故事講述的是一個(gè)身世不幸而后又輾轉(zhuǎn)嫁到大洋彼岸并獲得幸?；橐龅呐撼蔀槟赣H后，由于一直融入不了當(dāng)?shù)氐纳瞽h(huán)境及文化背景，而導(dǎo)致了與兒子二十幾年的艱難相處。而兒子在母親去世后才發(fā)現(xiàn)了折紙上的字句，終于體會(huì)到母親的艱辛與偉大。文章用字并不華麗，也未過度修飾，而正因這種平實(shí)的風(fēng)格才使得這個(gè)短篇故事靈耀動(dòng)人。俗話說得好，大愛無言、真水無香?；蛟S用任何世故手段都無法達(dá)到的人生境界就只蘊(yùn)藏在最簡單、最平淡、最幼稚的場景里。

劉宇昆（Ken Liu，1976年—），男，美籍華裔科幻作家，職業(yè)為程序設(shè)計(jì)員與律師，業(yè)余則從事寫作。2009年4月，《科幻世界》雜志刊載了其兩篇小說《愛的算法》和《單比特錯(cuò)誤》，因小說《愛的算法》深受讀者喜愛，才使得他的更多科幻小說得以在國內(nèi)發(fā)表，從而被國內(nèi)的科幻迷所熟知。2012年的5月及9月，劉宇昆憑借《手中紙，心中愛》斬獲星云獎(jiǎng)及雨果獎(jiǎng)的最佳短篇故事獎(jiǎng)，而其另一部作品《終結(jié)歷史的男人》也同樣獲得2012年星云獎(jiǎng)與雨果獎(jiǎng)的中篇小說獎(jiǎng)提名，但最終未能獲獎(jiǎng)。雨果獎(jiǎng)及星云獎(jiǎng)素有“科幻界的諾貝爾與奧斯卡”之稱，而劉宇昆也從此成為繼姜峰楠之后又一位華裔世界科幻最高雙獎(jiǎng)的獲得者。

“Howve you been， old 2）buddy？”

Laohu stopped playing. He got up， jumped with 3）feline grace into my lap， and 4）proceeded to unfold himself.

In my lap was a square of 5）creased wrapping paper， the plain side up. It was filled with dense Chinese characters. I had never learned to read Chinese， but I knew the characters for son， and they were at the top， where youd expect them in a letter addressed to you， written in Moms awkward， childish handwriting.

I went to the computer to check Internet. Today was Qingming.

I took the letter with me downtown， where I knew the Chinese tour buses stopped. I stopped every tourist， asking， “Nin hui du zhongwen ma？” Can you read Chinese？ I hadnt spoken Chinese in so long that I wasnt sure if they understood. A young woman agreed to help. We sat down on a bench together， and she read the letter to me aloud. The language that I had tried to forget for years came back， and I felt the words sinking into me， through my skin， through my bones， until they 6）squeezed tight around my heart.

“最近怎樣?。坷匣镉?jì)?！?/p>

小老虎停止撲騰，站直了身子，然后以貓科動(dòng)物特有的優(yōu)美姿勢跳到我腿上。接著它的身體開始肢解、舒展。

在我腿上留下的是一張皺巴巴的包裝紙，正面朝下，反面朝上。紙面上綴滿密密麻麻的中國字。我沒學(xué)過中國字，但“兒子”兩個(gè)字還是認(rèn)識(shí)的，它們在紙的最上方——只有寫給某個(gè)人的信才會(huì)把對方的稱謂放在這個(gè)位置上。母親在信里的字跡笨拙，一筆一畫都像個(gè)孩子寫的。

我跑到電腦前，打開網(wǎng)頁。今天正是清明。

我立馬帶上信跑到城里，因?yàn)槟抢锟梢杂龅街袊说穆糜伟褪俊３蛞妭€(gè)長得像中國人的游客，我就會(huì)跑上去問：“您會(huì)讀中文嗎？”因?yàn)楹芫脹]說過中文了，為確保他們能明白我的問題，我又會(huì)用英語再問一遍，“您會(huì)讀中文嗎？”最后，一位年輕的女士同意幫我。我們找到一條長凳坐下。她一字一句地大聲把信念給我聽。多年來，我一直逃避驅(qū)趕的聲音終于又飄回到我的耳際，但這次它沒有被迅速遺忘，而是沉入心底，穿透皮膚，浸入骨髓；此后，我的內(nèi)心翻江倒海，靈魂夜不能寐。

Son，

We havent talked in a long time. You are so angry when I try to touch you that Im afraid. And I think maybe this pain I feel all the time now is something serious. So I decided to write to you. Im going to write in the paper animals I made for you that you used to like so much.

The animals will stop moving when I stop breathing. But if I write to you with all my heart， Ill leave a little of myself behind on this paper， in these words. Then， if you think of me on Qingming， when the spirits of the departed are allowed to visit their families， youll make the parts of myself I leave behind come alive too. The creatures I made for you will again leap and run and 7）pounce， and maybe youll get to see these words then. Because I have to write with all my heart， I need to write to you in Chinese.

All this time I havent told you the story of my life. When you were little， I always thought Id tell you the story when you were older， so you could understand. But somehow that chance never 8）came up.

I was born in 1957， in Sigulu Village， Hebei Province. Sigulu is famous for its zhezhi 9）papercraft， and my mother taught me how to make paper animals and give them life. This was practical magic in the life of the village. We made paper birds to chase 10）grasshoppers away from the fields， and paper tigers to keep away the mice. For Chinese New Year my friends and I made red paper dragons. Ill never forget the sight of all those little dragons 11）zooming across the sky overhead， holding up strings of exploding 12）firecrackers to scare away all the bad memories of the past year. You would have loved it.

There I was， a tenyear-old 13）orphan. The only relative I had in the world was my uncle in Hong Kong. I snuck away one night and climbed onto a 14）freight train going south. Down in Guangdong Province a few days later， some men caught me stealing food from a field. When they heard that I was trying to get to Hong Kong， they laughed. “Its your lucky day. Our trade is to bring girls to Hong Kong.” They hid me in the bottom of a truck along with other girls， and 15）smuggled us across the 16）border.

We were taken to a basement and told to stand up and look healthy and intelligent for the buyers. Families paid the warehouse a fee and came by to look us over and select one of us to “adopt.” The Chin family picked me to take care of their two boys. I got up every morning at four to prepare breakfast. I fed and bathed the boys. I shopped for food. I did the laundry and swept the floors. I followed the boys around and did their 17）bidding. At night I was locked into a cupboard in the kitchen to sleep. If I was slow or did anything wrong I was beaten. If the boys did anything wrong I was beaten. If I was caught trying to learn English I was beaten.“Why do you want to learn English？” Mr. Chin asked. “You want to go to the police？ Well tell the police that you are a 18）mainlander illegally in Hong Kong. Theyd love to have you in their prison.”

Six years I lived like this. One day， an old woman who sold fish to me in the morning market pulled me aside. “I know girls like you. How old are you now， sixteen？ One day， the man who owns you will get drunk， and hell look at you and pull you to him and you cant stop him. The wife will find out， and then you will think you really have gone to hell. You have to get out of this life. I know someone who can help.”

She told me about American men who wanted Asian wives. If I can cook， clean， and take care of my American husband， hell give me a good life. It was the only hope I had. And that was how I got into the catalog with all those lies and met your father. It is not a very romantic story， but it is my story.

In the suburbs of Connecticut， I was lonely. Your father was kind and gentle with me， and I was very grateful to him. But no one understood me， and I understood nothing. But then you were born！ I was so happy when I looked into your face and saw 19）shades of my mother， my father， and myself. I had lost my entire family， all of Sigulu， everything I ever knew and loved. But there you were， and your face was proof that they were real. I hadnt made them up. Now I had someone to talk to. I would teach you my language， and we could together remake a small piece of everything that I loved and lost. When you said your first words to me， in Chinese that had the same accent as my mother and me， I cried for hours. When I made the first zhezhi animals for you， and you laughed， I felt there were no worries in the world. You grew up a little， and now you could even help your father and me talk to each other. I was really at home now. I finally found a good life. I wished my parents could be here， so that I could cook for them， and give them a good life too. But my parents were no longer around. You know what the Chinese think is the saddest feeling in the world？ Its for a child to finally grow the desire to take care of his parents， only to realize that they were long gone.

Son， I know that you do not like your Chinese eyes， which are my eyes. I know that you do not like your Chinese hair， which is my hair. But can you understand how much joy your very existence brought to me？ And can you understand how it felt when you stopped talking to me and wont let me talk to you in Chinese？ I felt I was losing everything all over again.

Why wont you talk to me， son？ The pain makes it hard to write.

The young woman handed the paper back to me. I could not bear to look into her face. Without looking up， I asked for her help in tracing out the character for ai on the paper below Moms letter. I wrote the character again and again on the paper， 20）intertwining my pen strokes with her words. The young woman reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. Then she got up and left， leaving me alone with my mother.

Following the creases， I refolded the paper back into Laohu. I 21）cradled him in the crook of my arm， and as he 22）purred， we began to walk home.

兒子：

我們好久沒有說話了。每當(dāng)我試著接近你，你總那么生氣，我不知道該怎么辦。而我覺得這一心結(jié)好像變得越來越緊了。所以，我決定給你寫信。把信寫好后，我會(huì)把它們做成你一直都很喜歡的紙動(dòng)物。

如果我去世了，那些小動(dòng)物也將失去活力。但是，如果我用真心給你寫這封信，我便可以通過這張紙，透過這些話，在自己走后給你留下一點(diǎn)兒關(guān)于我的東西。這樣一來，每到清明節(jié)，每到死去的親人回來看望家人的日子，我便可以在你想我的那一刻來到你身邊。我給你做的那些小動(dòng)物到那時(shí)會(huì)亂蹦亂跳，也許你能看到這些字。因?yàn)槲蚁Ｍ梦胰康膼蹃韺戇@些話，所以我只好用中文寫下來。

多年來，我一直都沒有向你說起我的過去。當(dāng)時(shí)你還小，我總想，等你長大了再說給你聽，那時(shí)你肯定已經(jīng)懂事了。但是這一天卻未能到來。

我出生在1957年，河北省的四轱轆村。那里的折紙很出名。媽媽從小就教我如何用紙折小動(dòng)物，并且賦予它們生命。這是我們老家村子里的一大法術(shù)。我們做紙鳥把蚱蜢趕出稻田，做紙老虎嚇唬老鼠。每到春節(jié)，我和我的小伙伴們會(huì)一起折紅色的紙龍，把它們拴在爆竹桿前頭，至今我都能清晰記得轟隆隆的鞭炮聲把小飛龍震得在我們頭頂亂舞的樣子，就這樣，過去一年的煩惱全都被炸沒了。如果你能在場，應(yīng)該也會(huì)喜歡吧。

十歲那年，我成了孤兒。在這世上我僅有的親人便是我在香港的叔叔了。一天夜里，我跑了出來，爬進(jìn)了一輛駛向南方的貨運(yùn)列車。幾天后，我到了廣東，因?yàn)閺牡乩锿禆|西吃被人抓到了。我對抓我的人說我想去香港，他們都笑了，說：“你真夠幸運(yùn)的，我們正好要送些女孩子去香港?！彼麄儗⑽液推渌⒉卦谪洿着摚低档爻隽司?。

我們被關(guān)進(jìn)地下室，他們讓我們站直了，并囑咐我們在客人面前看起來健康點(diǎn)兒，機(jī)靈點(diǎn)兒。一些想要孩子的家庭向他們交筆介紹費(fèi)后，就可以過來挑人。一旦被看中，我們就可以被“領(lǐng)養(yǎng)”。有戶姓金的人家挑了我，讓我照顧他們家的兩個(gè)男孩子。我每天早上四點(diǎn)就得起來做早餐，做完早餐后還得給孩子喂飯、洗澡，還要買菜、洗衣、打掃房間。我每天圍著這兩個(gè)孩子忙得團(tuán)團(tuán)轉(zhuǎn)，他們要我干什么我就得干什么。晚上，我被關(guān)進(jìn)廚房的櫥柜里睡覺。如果我做事稍稍慢了一點(diǎn)，或者做錯(cuò)了什么，就會(huì)挨打；如果他們家的孩子做錯(cuò)了事，我會(huì)挨打；如果我偷著學(xué)英語被他們逮到，我也會(huì)挨打。“你為什么想學(xué)英語？”金家先生問，“你想報(bào)警？你如果敢報(bào)警，我們就說你是在香港非法居留的大陸人。他們巴不得讓你蹲監(jiān)獄?！?/p>

就這樣，過了六年。一天早上，一個(gè)賣魚的老太把我拉到一邊說：“像你這樣的女孩子我見得多了。你多大了？十六了吧？說不定哪天買你的男人喝醉了就會(huì)對你動(dòng)手動(dòng)腳，你想反抗都不行。若被他老婆發(fā)現(xiàn)，你都不知道自己怎么死的。你得想想出路啦。我認(rèn)識(shí)能幫得上你的人?！?/p>

她告訴我，有些美國男人喜歡娶亞洲女孩做老婆。如果我會(huì)做飯，會(huì)做家務(wù)，能好好伺候美國老公，他就會(huì)給我一個(gè)幸福的生活。這是我唯一的出路。就這樣，我的照片連同虛假的資料出現(xiàn)在冊子上，接著你爸爸認(rèn)識(shí)了我。雖然故事情節(jié)一點(diǎn)兒也不浪漫，但這就是我的故事。

在美國康涅狄格州的郊區(qū)，我是孤獨(dú)的。你爸爸對我很好，很體貼，我很感激他。但沒有人能真正了解我，當(dāng)然我也不了解周圍的事物。接著你出生了。我看著你的小臉蛋長得那么像我的爸爸媽媽還有我，我高興極了。我沒了家人，沒了四轱轆，沒了我所愛的一切。但是我有你，你的臉蛋告訴我，我關(guān)于故鄉(xiāng)的記憶是真實(shí)的，不是幻覺?，F(xiàn)在，我有了可以說話的人。我可以教你我的語言，還能一起做一些我小時(shí)候喜歡的事。你第一次說中國話時(shí)，帶著我和我母親的鄉(xiāng)音，為此我哭了一整天。第一次給你做折紙動(dòng)物時(shí)，你被逗笑了，我頓時(shí)覺得世間沒有了煩惱。你一天天地長大，現(xiàn)在還可以幫我和你爸爸交流，真讓我有了家的感覺。我終于找到了屬于我的幸福生活。我真希望我的爸爸媽媽也能在我身邊，這樣我就可以給他們洗衣燒飯，讓他們享享清福，但是他們已經(jīng)不在了。你知道對中國人來說，最痛苦的是什么嗎？就是當(dāng)孩子想要孝順父母的時(shí)候，父母已經(jīng)不在人世了。

兒子，我知道你不喜歡自己長著中國人的眼睛，但它們透著我對你的期望；我知道你不喜歡自己長著一頭中國人的黑發(fā)，但它飽含著我對你的祈愿。你能想象你讓我的生命變得多么美好嗎？你能了解當(dāng)你不再和我說話，也不讓我和你說中文的時(shí)候，我的心有多疼嗎？我覺得我正再次失去生命中一切美好的東西。

兒子，你為什么不和媽媽說話？媽媽的心真的好痛。

那位年輕女士將信遞回給我，我羞愧得無法抬頭看她的臉。我低著頭，請她再幫我一個(gè)忙，讓她在媽媽的信下方的紙上教我寫中文的“愛”字。照著信下方的“愛”字，我笨拙地用筆模仿著，寫了一遍又一遍。她伸出手拍了拍我的肩，起身離開了。這會(huì)兒，和我在一起的只有我的母親。

我順著折痕，把老虎折回了原來的樣子。用手臂把它窩在懷里。隨著它的一聲咆哮，我?guī)еど狭嘶丶业穆贰?img src="https://cimg.fx361.com/images/2018/07/08/qkimagesfkyyfkyy201303fkyy20130318-6-l.jpg"/>