親密關(guān)系中的兩性話語(yǔ)（節(jié)選）

Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication. Culture is simply a network of habits and patterns gleaned from past experience, and women and men have different past experiences. From the time theyre born, theyre treated differently, talked to differently, and talk differently as a result. Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, even if they grow up in the same house. And as adults they travel in different worlds, reinforcing patterns established in childhood. These cultural differences include different expectations about the role of talk in relationships and how it fulfills that role.

Everyone knows that as a relationship becomes long-term, its terms change. But women and men often differ in how they expect them to change. Many women feel, “After all this time, you should know what I want without my telling you.” Many men feel, “After all this time, we should be able to tell each other what we want.”

These incongruent expectations capture one of the key differences between men and women. Communication is always a matter of balancing conflicting needs for involvement and independence. Being understood without saying what you mean gives a payoff in involvement, and that is why women value it so highly.

If you want to be understood without saying what you mean explicitly in words, you must convey meaning somewhere else–in how words are spoken, or by metamessages. Thus it stands to reason that women are often more attuned than men to the metamessages of talk. When women surmise meaning in this way, it seems mysterious to men, who call it “womens intuition” (if they think its right) or “reading things in” (if they think its wrong). Indeed, it could be wrong, since metamessages are not on record. And even if it is right, there is still the question of scale: How significant are the metamessages that are there?

Metamessages are a form of indirectness. Women are more likely to be indirect, and to try to reach agreement by negotiation. Another way to understand this preference is that negotiation allows a display of solidarity, which women prefer to the display of power (even though the aim may be the same–getting what you want). Unfortunately, power and solidarity are bought with the same currency: Ways of talking intended to create solidarity have the simultaneous effect of framing power differences. When they think theyre being nice, women often end up appearing deferential and unsure of themselves or of what they want.

When styles differ, misunderstandings are always rife. As their different styles create misunderstandings, women and men try to clear them up by talking things out. These pitfalls are compounded in talks between men and women because they have different ways of going about talking things out, and different assumptions about the significance of going about it.

Why are women more attuned to metamessages? Because they are more focused on involvement, that is, on relationships among people, and it is through metamessages that relationships among people are established and maintained. If you want to take the temperature and check the vital signs of a relationship, the barometers to check are its metamessages: what is said and how.

Everyone can see these signals, but whether or not we pay attention to them is another matter–a matter of being sensitized. Once you are sensitized, you cant roll your antennae back in; theyre stuck in the extended position.

兩性之間的交流是跨文化交流。文化無(wú)非是由經(jīng)驗(yàn)產(chǎn)生的習(xí)慣與模式組成的一套系統(tǒng)，而女人和男人有著不同的經(jīng)驗(yàn)。甫一出生他們就享有不同的待遇，聽(tīng)不同的話語(yǔ)，結(jié)果就形成了不同的表達(dá)方式。男孩和女孩是在不同的環(huán)境當(dāng)中成長(zhǎng)起來(lái)的，哪怕他們同在一個(gè)屋檐下生活。長(zhǎng)成以后他們也是各行其是，從而強(qiáng)化了他們童年養(yǎng)成的行為模式。這些文化差異包括，對(duì)交往中的話語(yǔ)角色及其如何履行這一角色，人們有不同的期待。

我們都知道，當(dāng)一種長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系得以確立以后，彼此的要求也會(huì)隨之發(fā)生變化，但女人與男人對(duì)變化的方式總是有不同的期待。許多女人覺(jué)得，“相處了這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間，我不說(shuō)你也應(yīng)該知道我需要什么。”而許多男人卻認(rèn)為，“相處了這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間，我們完全可以告訴對(duì)方我們需要什么?！?/p>

這類不協(xié)調(diào)的期待恰好說(shuō)明了男女之間的一個(gè)關(guān)鍵差異。交流永遠(yuǎn)都是對(duì)參與和獨(dú)立的矛盾訴求進(jìn)行調(diào)和的一種努力。“不言而喻”是對(duì)參與的回報(bào)，這就是為什么女人十分看重這一點(diǎn)。

假如你希望無(wú)需清晰的表述就能夠得到理解，你就必須通過(guò)別的途徑傳達(dá)你的用意，比如變換表述方式，或代之以言外之意。所以女人比男人更適應(yīng)交談中的言外之意，就是順理成章的事情了。當(dāng)女人用這種方式來(lái)測(cè)度某種含義的時(shí)候，男人會(huì)覺(jué)得不可思議，把它稱作“女人的直覺(jué)”（如果他們認(rèn)同的話），或“異想天開(kāi)”（如果他們不認(rèn)同的話）。的確，她們的推測(cè)有可能出錯(cuò)，因?yàn)檠酝庵獠](méi)有記錄在案。即便她們猜對(duì)了，還有一個(gè)適用范圍的問(wèn)題：言外之意在這里有多大的作用？

言外之意是一種間接的表達(dá)方式。女人更愿意選擇這種方式，更希望通過(guò)協(xié)商達(dá)成一致。理解這種偏好的另外一個(gè)角度是，相比于權(quán)力的展示，女人更傾向于協(xié)商所認(rèn)可的團(tuán)結(jié)精神（即便目的或許相同：都是為了謀求所需）。不幸的是，權(quán)力與團(tuán)結(jié)不可兼得：營(yíng)造團(tuán)結(jié)的表達(dá)方式，同時(shí)也會(huì)影響到權(quán)力差別的形成。當(dāng)她們認(rèn)為自己在釋放善意的時(shí)候，她們常常表現(xiàn)為唯唯諾諾、缺乏自信或無(wú)所適從。

方式有異，誤會(huì)也就在所難免。兩性間因不同的方式產(chǎn)生誤會(huì)時(shí)，就會(huì)嘗試通過(guò)交心懇談來(lái)消除它。但在男人與女人的對(duì)話中這些問(wèn)題會(huì)變得更加復(fù)雜，因?yàn)樵诮恍膽┱勚兴麄冇胁煌谋磉_(dá)方式，對(duì)其意義也有不同的理解。

為什么女人更適應(yīng)言外之意呢？因?yàn)樗齻兏粗貐⑴c，也就是更看重人與人之間的關(guān)系；正是通過(guò)言外之意，人與人之間的各種關(guān)系才得以建立和維持。如果你想測(cè)試一下某一關(guān)系的冷暖及其關(guān)鍵征兆，言外之意就是你的晴雨表：即表達(dá)什么和如何表達(dá)。

每個(gè)人都能看到這些信號(hào)，但是否留意則是另一回事，要看你是否敏感。而一旦你變得敏感起來(lái)，就再也不會(huì)收起你的觸角，它們將保持伸展的姿態(tài)。