“單身媽媽”的快樂(lè)

Single File

Affluent， educated and autonomous - more women are enjoying motherhood on their own.

生活富裕、受過(guò)高等教育、獨(dú)立自主——越來(lái)越多的單身女性正在享受作媽媽的感覺(jué)。

Nestled among happy birthday cards， wedding and anniversary congratulations， and get well soon wishes， there's a new \"life event\" category in the aisles of your local card shop: Birth Single Mother. It's now official - being a single mom is in.

賀卡店里的貨架上擺滿了各種各樣的賀卡，有生日卡、結(jié)婚和紀(jì)念祝福卡、健康卡等等，但這其中又有一類(lèi)新的卡片：?jiǎn)紊韹寢尶??？梢钥闯?，作一個(gè)單身媽媽現(xiàn)在是件很新潮的事情。

According to Statistics Canada， there are more than 1.6-million female-headed households in Canada， an increase of 63 percent in 20 years. A growing number of these women are single moms by choice - not your stereotypical bitter divorcee or accidental teenage pregnancy struggling to get by. The majorities of these new single moms are university-educated， in their 30's or 40's and have well-established careers. They're breaking out of the conventional life pattern - go to school， fall in love， get married， buy a house， have babies…Instead， they've skipped some steps and added others. In the process， they've taken control of their lives， not to mention that infernal， nagging internal clock.

根據(jù)統(tǒng)計(jì)數(shù)據(jù)，加拿大現(xiàn)在有超過(guò)160萬(wàn)個(gè)單身媽媽家庭，這個(gè)數(shù)字在20年里增加了63%。這其中有越來(lái)越多的女性是自愿成為單身媽媽的——不是我們一般認(rèn)為的因?yàn)榛橐鍪』蛘呤悄贻p時(shí)意外懷孕不得已而為之。這些單身媽媽絕大多數(shù)都接受過(guò)大學(xué)教育，年齡在30或40歲之間，而且事業(yè)有成。她們正在打破傳統(tǒng)的生活方式——求學(xué)，戀愛(ài)，結(jié)婚，買(mǎi)房子，生孩子……相反，她們跳過(guò)了其中一些步驟，同時(shí)又添加了一些其它的東西。在這個(gè)過(guò)程中，她們掌握了自己的生活，而且也不用再擔(dān)心自己變老失去生育能力了。

\"It's a stronger force than me，\" says Jill， a 26-year-old editor in Vancouver who is considering donor insemination (DI). Since she started thinking about DI， Jill says she feels calmer. The pressure to find a mate， chiefly to mate， is gone. \"You get to your 30's and you want to be this baby machine and you're not meeting anyone，\" she says. \"Then there's this generation of women in their 40's who find out they can't have children.\" Jill vows she won't be among them. \"As much as life is about destiny or fate， this gives me something to grasp on to. It makes me feel much more sanguine about not meeting someone. I feel somewhat sorry for men; they don't have this choice.\" Jill is not alone in taking advantage of that option. According to Dr. Sam Batarseh， director of IVF (in vitro fertilization) Canada， the number of single women coming to him for DI has tripled over the last 30 years.

“年齡因素是我不能回避的現(xiàn)實(shí)，”26歲的溫哥華編輯吉爾說(shuō)。吉爾目前正在考慮人工受孕。自從開(kāi)始考慮人工受孕后，吉爾說(shuō)她感覺(jué)自己平靜多了。尋找配偶的壓力，而且主要目的只是生孩子，現(xiàn)在都沒(méi)了?！芭说搅?0歲就會(huì)想要個(gè)孩子，可這時(shí)又碰不上合適的人選，”她說(shuō)?！坝行┡艘呀?jīng)40多歲了，失去了生育能力。”吉爾信誓旦旦地說(shuō)自己絕不要成為那樣的女人?！半m然有很多事情是命中注定的，我也要努力抓住我要的東西。它讓我不再那么擔(dān)心找不到合適的另一半。我真替男人們感到遺憾，他們沒(méi)有這樣的選擇?！毕窦獱栠@樣把握機(jī)會(huì)的女性還有很多。加拿大試管受精中心的主任山姆#8226;巴塔斯博士介紹說(shuō)，過(guò)去30年來(lái)進(jìn)行人工受孕的單身女性人數(shù)增長(zhǎng)了3倍。

Shelley Cutts， a 47-year-old teacher in Welland， Ont.， always expected to be expecting. \"I was the one in school everybody assumed would have five kids， the station wagon， and the white picket fence，\" she says. After a series of failed relationships， Cutts took her fertility into her own hands at 39. She opted for two characteristics in her donor that she didn't have: good math skills and skinny legs. One year later， Cutts gave birth to her first daughter， Madelaine， with a little help from Batarseh's clinic. Then she adopted her second and third daughters， Abigaille and Olivia， from China. On Cutts' second trip to China to adopt Olivia， of the 10 women who were going to the same region， five were single， each paying more than $20，000 for the adoption process.

雪莉·卡茨是一位居住在安大略韋蘭的教師，她今年47歲，一直希望能懷上孩子?！耙郧吧蠈W(xué)時(shí)，大家都認(rèn)為我以后會(huì)養(yǎng)5個(gè)孩子，住旅行車(chē)，周?chē)€要釘著白色的籬笆，”吉爾說(shuō)。可經(jīng)歷了幾次失敗的戀情后，卡茨在39歲時(shí)決定自己解決懷孕的問(wèn)題。對(duì)于精子提供者她提出了兩個(gè)自己沒(méi)有的特點(diǎn)：數(shù)學(xué)好和腿細(xì)。一年后，卡茨在巴塔斯診所的幫助下生下了一個(gè)女兒，取名瑪?shù)律?。后?lái)她又從中國(guó)領(lǐng)養(yǎng)了兩個(gè)女孩，分別取名阿比蓋爾和奧利維亞?？柕诙稳ブ袊?guó)領(lǐng)養(yǎng)奧利維亞時(shí)，同行的人中一共有10名女性，其中有5名是單身，她們每人為此次領(lǐng)養(yǎng)過(guò)程交了2萬(wàn)多美元。

The biggest shift for single women who plan to become mothers is in separating having children from being married. \"You can marry anytime， but it's not always possible to have a child and adopt a child. So for practical reasons， women need to separate the two things，\" explains Jane Mattes. A New York psychotherapist and single mother， Mattes founded Single Mothers by Choice in 1981 after she accidentally became pregnant at age 36. She wanted the child， but the dad opted out. Of her estimated 3，000 members， only a small minority become moms unintentionally. 75 percent choose insemination， and 25 percent go the adoption route.

對(duì)于打算撫養(yǎng)孩子的單身女性來(lái)說(shuō)，最大的轉(zhuǎn)變就是將養(yǎng)育子女同結(jié)婚分開(kāi)了?！澳闶裁磿r(shí)候都能結(jié)婚，可生孩子或者領(lǐng)養(yǎng)孩子可不是什么時(shí)候都可以的。所以，從實(shí)際的角度考慮，女性需要將這兩件事情分開(kāi)，”簡(jiǎn)·麥茨說(shuō)。麥茨是紐約的一位心理咨詢師，同時(shí)也是一個(gè)單身媽媽。36歲那年她意外懷孕了，之后她于1981年成立了“做單身媽媽”俱樂(lè)部。她想生下這個(gè)孩子，但是孩子的爸爸選擇了離開(kāi)?，F(xiàn)在她的俱樂(lè)部共有約3000名會(huì)員，只有一小部分是在無(wú)意中成為單身媽媽的。會(huì)員中75%都選擇了人工受精，其余25%是通過(guò)領(lǐng)養(yǎng)這條途徑。

Montreal photographer Heidi Hollinger has discovered that in addition to the satisfaction of having children， there are other unexpected benefits to single motherhood. \"You think you're never going to find someone because you have a kid， but it's the complete opposite. People see you as feminine and fertile，\" she says. \"Guys see it as an instant family and they've practically proposed to me on the spot.\" Hollinger is in her mid-30's， very attractive， and speaks four languages. She says she has had more dates since the birth of her son， Luka， now two， than before his birth. Other pluses for Hollinger are that， as a lone parent， she makes all the calls - from choosing her sister as her birthing coach to picking a name to deciding on whether to circumcise or not. \"I'm used to doing things on my own， so it's great to be on my own with Luka，\" she says.

蒙特利爾的攝影師海蒂·霍林杰發(fā)現(xiàn)，作單身媽媽除了能夠享受作母親的快樂(lè)外，還有很多意想不到的好處?！氨疽詾橛辛撕⒆雍缶秃茈y找到合適的人了，可事實(shí)恰恰相反。男人會(huì)覺(jué)得你很有女人味和母性，”她說(shuō)?！澳腥藗儗⑦@看成是立刻組成家庭的機(jī)會(huì)，他們有的竟當(dāng)場(chǎng)向我求婚?！被袅纸墁F(xiàn)在三十多，舉手投足間散發(fā)著成熟的魅力，還會(huì)4種語(yǔ)言。她說(shuō)自從有了2歲的兒子盧卡后，向他示好的男性比以前多了許多?；袅纸馨l(fā)現(xiàn)作為一個(gè)單身媽媽?zhuān)渌奖阒幘褪牵梢砸蝗藳Q定所有的事情——從選她的姐姐陪伴她生孩子，到給孩子起名字，再到要不要割包皮?！拔椰F(xiàn)在習(xí)慣了一個(gè)人做所有的決定，一個(gè)人照看盧卡感覺(jué)很好，”她說(shuō)。

Although single moms by choice are becoming more commonplace， there's still a widespread assumption that Daddy is in the picture. Kathy Scott， a business analyst at BMO Nesbitt Burns in Toronto， travelled to the Anhui province of China to adopt her daughter， Robin， now three. Scott， who is Caucasian， is stupefied by the number of times she has been asked \"Is her dad Chinese?\" As Betsy Israel， author of Bachelor Girl (Harper Collins)， explains:\" Even if you are not in a relationship or married， these are still ultimately the categories that are acceptable. There is a terrible negative stereotype against any woman who finds herself single.\" Single moms by choice get a kind of \"special circumstances pass\" and this is \"one way you can overcome the single stigma，\" says Israel. \"You're allowed to step outside of that box of the classical spinster or working girl.\" But this doesn't mean single mothers by choice are completely accepted. Instead， she says， \"the world smiles on single women with children in a very artificial way.\" With one foot in the conventional world of species propagation and the other foot in the domain of the marginalized female singleton， Israel thinks this growing segment is in a kind of limbo. \"You're better respected than if you didn't have a child， but at the same time people don't know what to make of you.\"

雖然自愿成為單身媽媽的女性已經(jīng)越來(lái)越平常，孩子爸爸這個(gè)角色在多數(shù)人的印象里卻總是揮之不去。凱西·斯科特是多倫多BMO Nesbitt Burns公司的商業(yè)分析師，之前在中國(guó)的安徽省領(lǐng)養(yǎng)了一個(gè)女孩，取名羅賓，現(xiàn)在3歲了。斯科特是白種人，她已經(jīng)記不起究竟有多少次被人問(wèn)起“這孩子的爸爸是中國(guó)人嗎？”正如 《單身女孩》(哈伯#8226;柯林斯出版社)一書(shū)的作者貝茨·伊斯里爾解釋的那樣：“即使你沒(méi)有戀愛(ài)或結(jié)婚，它們始終是社會(huì)最能夠接受的最終歸宿。對(duì)于那些單身女性，社會(huì)總是有一些負(fù)面的既定偏見(jiàn)。”自愿成為單身媽媽的人會(huì)得到他人的“特殊理解”，這也是“你能擺脫單身的唯一方法，”伊斯里爾說(shuō)?！斑@樣你就能跳出傳統(tǒng)的老處女或女強(qiáng)人的界限?！钡@并不意味著單身媽媽能夠被社會(huì)完全接受。相反，她說(shuō)：“這個(gè)世界對(duì)于獨(dú)自撫養(yǎng)孩子的單身女性的善意總有些虛假和造作。”伊斯里爾認(rèn)為單身女性一面要應(yīng)付傳宗接代的傳統(tǒng)思想，一邊卻要被排擠、被邊緣化。在她看來(lái)，這種不斷擴(kuò)大的社會(huì)分歧像一個(gè)監(jiān)牢將人禁錮其中?！叭绻悴灰⒆拥脑?，別人會(huì)更尊重你一些，但同時(shí)人們也不知道該怎么對(duì)待你。”

Marcelle Clements， a New York-based critic and author of The Improvised Woman (Norton Books)， believes these boxes are dissolving. Instead， she says the roles have become fluid and \"basic archetypes are altering.\" She sees a growing bond forming between mothers， whether single or otherwise. Clements' son， Luc， was adopted through an agency. The birth mother， a young Texan woman， ultimately chose Clements， a single New Yorker， to be the mother of her unborn child. \"The social worker told me that it's not so unusual because these very young girls who have gotten pregnant identify with single women who want a child and feel this would be a good home for their child，\" says Clements. Having a child transcends the boundary， however socially imposed， between married women and single women.

瑪塞爾·克萊門(mén)茨是紐約的一名評(píng)論家，同時(shí)也是《即興女人》（諾頓書(shū)籍）一書(shū)的作者。她認(rèn)為這些圈圈框框正在消失。此外，她還說(shuō)人們?cè)谏鐣?huì)中的角色不再像以前那么固定，“基本的原型正在改變。”她認(rèn)為不管單身與否，媽媽們之間的關(guān)系正變得越來(lái)越緊密?？巳R門(mén)茨的兒子盧克是通過(guò)一家機(jī)構(gòu)領(lǐng)養(yǎng)的。孩子的生母是一個(gè)德州的年輕女性。她最終選擇了單身的紐約人克萊門(mén)茨作自己未出世的孩子的母親。“工作人員告訴我這其實(shí)很常見(jiàn)，因?yàn)檫@些懷孕的年輕女性能夠理解單身女性想要個(gè)孩子的心情，她們也覺(jué)得你們能為孩子提供好的家庭環(huán)境，”克萊門(mén)茨說(shuō)。不管社會(huì)阻力多強(qiáng)大，只要有了孩子，已婚女性和單身女性間的障礙就會(huì)消失。

Scott has experienced this connection first-hand. Drawn together by the experience of adopting， her closest friend is a woman she traveled to China with; subsequently their daughters are best friends. Their travel group meets regularly， and in Robin's daycare there are two other girls who were adopted from China.

斯科特有親身體會(huì)。斯科特現(xiàn)在最親密的朋友就是和她一起去中國(guó)的一位女性，她們因?yàn)橐黄痤I(lǐng)養(yǎng)孩子而相互認(rèn)識(shí)，之后她們的女兒也成為了最好的朋友。當(dāng)初一起旅行的人現(xiàn)在經(jīng)常聚在一起，而在羅賓的幼兒園里有兩個(gè)女孩也是在中國(guó)領(lǐng)養(yǎng)的。

What was once considered an alternative family is now becoming more of a standard. As Cutts traveled through China， her oldest daughter's Grade 1 class got a combined geography and social studies lesson. On the internet they followed Cutts through China and received updates on Olivia's adoption. \"It's amazing. What you grow up with becomes the new norm， \"says Cutts.

曾經(jīng)不得已而為之的家庭建立方式現(xiàn)在正逐漸成為一種標(biāo)準(zhǔn)?？ù脑谥袊?guó)時(shí)，她正上一年級(jí)的大女兒也上了一堂地理和社會(huì)的綜合課。他們通過(guò)互聯(lián)網(wǎng)跟蹤卡茨在中國(guó)的行程，了解收養(yǎng)奧利維亞的進(jìn)展?！案杏X(jué)很神奇。與你一起成長(zhǎng)的現(xiàn)象現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)成了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，”卡茨說(shuō)。