A Mother in Mannville (Excerpt II)曼維爾鎮(zhèn)的一位母親（節(jié)選下）

瑪·金·羅琳斯/文 熊婷/譯

We watched the flames.

“Thats an apple log，” he said. “It burns the prettiest of any wood.”

We were very close.

He was suddenly impelled to speak of things he had not spoken of before， nor had I cared to ask him.

“You look a little bit like my mother，” he said. “Especially in the dark， by the fire.”

“But you were only four， Jerry， when you came here. You have remembered how she looked， all these years？”

“My mother lives in Mannville，” he said.

For a moment， finding that he had a mother shocked me as greatly as anything in my life has ever done， and I did not know why it disturbed me. I was filled with a passionate resentment that any woman should go away and leave her son. The orphanage was a wholesome place， the executives were kind， good people， the food was more than adequate， the boys were healthy， a ragged shirt was no hardship， nor the doing of clean labor. Granted， perhaps， that the boy felt no lack， what blood fed the bowels of a woman who did not yearn1 over this childs lean2 body that had come in parturition out of her own？ At four he would have looked the same as now. Nothing， I thought， nothing in life could change those eyes. I burned with questions I could not ask. In any case， I was afraid， there would be pain.

“Have you seen her， Jerry—lately？”

“I see her every summer. She sends for3 me.”

I wanted to cry out， “Why are you not with her？ How can she let you go away again？”

He said， “She comes up here from Mannville whenever she can. She doesnt have a job now.”

His face shone in the firelight.

“She wanted to give me a puppy， but they cant let any one boy keep a puppy. You remember the suit I had on last Sunday？” He was plainly proud. “She sent me that for Christmas. The Christmas before that”—he drew a long breath， savoring the memory—“she sent me a pair of skates.”

“Roller skates？”

My mind was busy， making pictures of her， trying to understand her. She had not， then， entirely deserted or forgotten him. But why， then— I thought， “I must not condemn her without knowing.”

“Roller skates. I let the other boys use them. Theyre always borrowing them. But theyre careful of them.”

What circumstance other than poverty—

“Im going to take the dollar you gave me for taking care of Pat，” he said， “and buy her a pair of gloves.”

I could only say， “That will be nice. Do you know her size？”

“I think its 8?，” he said.

He looked at my hands.

“Do you wear 8?？” he asked.

“No. I wear a smaller size， a 6.”

“Oh！ Then I guess her hands are bigger than yours.”

I hated her. Poverty or no， there was other food than bread， and the soul could starve as quickly as the body. He was taking his dollar to buy gloves for her big stupid hands， and she lived away from him， in Mannville， and contented herself with4 sending him skates.

“She likes white gloves，” he said. “Do you think I can get them for a dollar？”

“I think so，” I said.

I decided that I should not leave the mountains without seeing her and knowing for myself why she had done this thing.

The human mind scatters its interests as though made of thistle-down， and every wind stirs and moves it. I finished my work.

I made arrangements to close my Florida place. Mexico immediately， and doing the writing there， if conditions were favorable.

I did not take time to go to Mannville to see Jerrys mother， nor even to talk with the orphanage officials about her. I was a trifle abstracted about the boy， because of my work and plans. And after my first fury at her—we did not speak of her again—his having a mother， any sort at all， not far away， in Mannville， relieved me of the ache I had had about him.

He came every day and cut my wood and did small helpful favors and stayed to talk. The days had become cold， and often I let him come inside the cabin. He would lie on the floor in front of the fire， with one arm across the pointer5， and they would both doze and wait quietly for me. Other days they ran with a common ecstasy through the laurel， and since the asters were now gone， he brought me back vermilion maple leaves， and chestnut boughs dripping with imperial yellow. I was ready to go.

I said to him， “You have been my good friend， Jerry. I shall often think of you and miss you. Pat will miss you too. I am leaving tomorrow.”

He did not answer. When he went away， I remember that a new moon hung over the mountains， and I watched him go in silence up the hill. I expected him the next day. But he did not come. The details of packing my personal belongings， loading my car， arranging the bed over the seat， where the dog would ride， occupied me until late in the day. I closed the cabin and started the car， noticing that the sun was in the west and I should do well to6 be out of the mountains by nightfall. I stopped by the orphanage and left the cabin key and money for my light bill with Miss Clark.

“And will you call Jerry for me to say good-bye to him？”

“I dont know where he is，” she said. “Im afraid hes not well. He didnt eat his dinner this noon. One of the other boys saw him going over the hill into the laurel. He was supposed to fire the boiler this afternoon. Its not like him; hes unusually reliable.”

I was almost relieved， for I knew I should never see him again， and it would be easier not to say good-bye to him.

I said， “I wanted to talk with you about his mother—why hes here—but Im in more of a hurry than I expected to be. Its out of the question for me to see her now too. But heres some money Id like to leave with you to buy things for him at Christmas and on his birthday. It will be better than for me to try to send him things. I could so easily duplicate—skates， for instance.”

She blinked her honest spinsters eyes.

“Theres not much use for skates here，” she said.

Her stupidity annoyed me.

“What I mean，” I said， “is that I dont want to duplicate things his mother sends him. I might have chosen skates if I didnt know she had already given them to him.”

She stared at me.

“I dont understand，” she said. “He has no mother. He has no skates.”

我們注視著柴火的火勢。

“這塊柴是蘋果樹的，”他說，“燒起來最旺?！?/p>

我們倆挨得很近。

他突然忍不住提起一些他不曾說過而我也無意詢問的事。

“你看起來有點兒像我媽媽，”他說，“尤其在暗處，爐火旁?！?/p>

“可是你來這里時才四歲，杰里。這么多年了，你還一直記得她的模樣？”

“我媽媽就住在曼維爾鎮(zhèn)。”杰里說。

得知他母親還在世，我一時間感到從未有過的震驚，不知為何這個消息令我心神不寧。竟然有女人能忍心拋下自己的兒子揚長而去，我為此感到忿忿不平。這家孤兒院環(huán)境有益孩子健康成長，管家都很親善，食物富足，孩子們身體也都挺好——衣服是有些破舊，還得干些打掃衛(wèi)生的活兒，但稱不上生活艱苦。就算杰里可能沒覺得缺少什么，可他的母親究竟得有多么狠心，才能不想念自己懷胎十月生下的瘦弱孩子？杰里四歲時的模樣多半和現(xiàn)在無異。沒有什么，我想，生活中沒有什么能改變那雙眼眸。我急切地想問他一些問題，但難以開口。我怕無論怎樣都會觸及他的痛處。

“杰里，你見過她嗎——最近見過嗎？”

“我每個夏天都會見她。她會派人來接我。”

我真想大喊：“那你為什么不和她生活在一起？她怎么忍心又放你走了呢？”

他說：“媽媽一有機會就會從曼維爾鎮(zhèn)趕過來。現(xiàn)在她沒有工作?！?/p>

他的臉龐在火光的照耀下閃閃發(fā)光。

“媽媽想送我一只小狗，但管家不讓我們小孩兒養(yǎng)。你還記得我上周日穿的衣服嗎？”他顯然很驕傲，“那是她給我的圣誕禮物。之前的那個圣誕——”說到這兒他長吸一口氣，沉浸在回憶中，“——她送了一雙冰鞋給我?！?/p>

“旱冰鞋？”

我拼命思索著，在腦海里竭力描繪她的樣子，并試圖理解她的做法?？磥硭]有徹底拋棄或遺忘杰里?？蔀槭裁础S后我想：“在沒弄清緣由前，我絕不能責怪她。”

“是旱冰鞋。我還給其他孩子穿了。他們總借，不過都很小心?！?/p>

除了貧窮，還能有什么其他苦衷……

“我要用幫你照顧帕特掙來的工錢，”他說，“給媽媽買一副手套?！?/p>

我只能附和道：“這主意不錯。你知道她的尺碼嗎？”

“我猜是八號半?！彼f。

他瞧著我的手。

“你是戴八號半的手套嗎？”他問。

“不是。我的尺碼小一些，是六號?！?/p>

“哦！我猜她的手比你大一些?！?/p>

我痛恨她。無論貧窮與否，果腹的除了面包還有其他東西，而靈魂會同肉體一樣很快感到饑餓。杰里盤算著花錢給他媽媽粗笨的大手買副手套;他媽媽卻拋下他，就住在曼維爾鎮(zhèn)，不過送他一雙旱冰鞋就心安理得了。

“她喜歡白色的手套，”他說，“你覺得花一美元能買到嗎？”

“沒問題?！蔽一卮鸬?。

我打定主意要在離開這里之前見她一面，弄明白她拋下杰里的原因，也算給自己一個交代。

人們的注意力總是會被各種事物分散，就像薊種子冠毛，來一陣風就能吹動、吹散它。我完成了手上的工作。

我計劃安排搬離佛羅里達的居所，立即前往墨西哥，如果條件不錯，就在那里繼續(xù)寫作。

我沒有抽空去曼維爾鎮(zhèn)見杰里的母親，甚至都沒和孤兒院的管家們談及她。由于忙著工作和籌劃，我對杰里的事不是太上心。那次談話使我第一次對杰里的母親心懷憤恨，此后我們再未提及過她。杰里好歹是有母親的，而且她就生活在不遠的曼維爾鎮(zhèn)，這讓我感到些許欣慰。

杰里每天過來，幫我砍柴，幫些小忙，然后留下來聊聊天。天氣逐漸轉冷，我經常邀請他來屋內坐坐。他便躺在爐火前的地板上，一只手搭在帕特身上，和帕特一起打著瞌睡，靜靜等我工作完。有時候，他們會在月桂樹叢中欣喜地穿梭玩鬧。那時紫菀花已凋零，他便會帶給我火紅的楓葉和通體金黃的粗栗枝。終于，我準備離開了。

我對他說：“杰里，你一直都是我的好朋友。我會常常想到你、念著你，帕特也是。我明天就要走了?！?/p>

他緘默不語。記得他離去時，一輪新月遙掛山頂，我望著他默默向山上走去。第二天我一直盼著他，可他并沒有來，那一整天我都在打理各種瑣事——打包行李，裝車，在車座上給帕特布置好小窩——一直忙到傍晚。我關上木屋大門，發(fā)動汽車，注意到已是夕陽西下，而我得在夜幕降臨前駛離山區(qū)。途中我經過孤兒院，把木屋鑰匙和電費錢交給了克拉克小姐。

“我想和杰里告?zhèn)€別，能幫我叫一下他嗎？”

“我不知道杰里在哪兒，”她說，“不過恐怕他現(xiàn)在狀態(tài)不太好。他中午沒吃飯。有個孩子看到他翻過山丘進了月桂樹叢。今天下午本該他燒鍋爐的。這可不像他了，他做事非?？孔V?！?/p>

聽到這個，我竟松了口氣，因為知道不會和杰里再見面了，不當面告別會更好受些。

我對克拉克小姐說：“我本來想找你談談有關杰里母親的事——為什么他母親會把他送到這里——不過我目前的行程比預期的緊。我現(xiàn)在也不可能去見他的母親了。這兒有些錢，我想麻煩你在圣誕節(jié)和杰里生日時給他買些禮物。這會比我自己寄給他強，因為我很有可能買重樣，比如又送一雙旱冰鞋給他?！?/p>

這位老姑娘眨了眨眼，誠實地看著我。

“在這大山里旱冰鞋可不太實用?！彼f。

她可真愚蠢，我為之惱怒。

“我的意思是，我不想送他媽媽送過的禮物。要不是聽說杰里的母親已經給過他一雙旱冰鞋，我也可能會挑旱冰鞋送他?！蔽艺f。

她注視著我。

“我不明白你的意思?！彼f，“他沒有媽媽，也沒有旱冰鞋?！?/p>