一位跨性別者的自白

I am an AFAB （assigned female at birth） transman. I use male pronouns. I knew I was male at 3. I came out as transgender to myself when I was 13， to my parents at 14， and to my extended family at 18. I began taking testosterone at 17， and legally changed my name at 18. A surprising number of people think that the trans process is short and simple. Many trans people， myself included， are asked if weve had “the operation” （a rude question，） as if thats the only thing involved in being trans. Its interesting， because my personal transition has involved years of self-discovery， revelations， hardships， medications， doctors， psychologists， endocrinologists， gender specialists...and it will eventually involve not one operation， but roughly six surgeries over the course of many years！

Gender Reassignment Surgery is an unattainable luxury for many. When I was 21， I was on the waiting list to have my top surgery （a double mastectomy and chest reconstruction） done through my insurance. Unfortunately， I had to move out of state and lost that insurance. Few insurance providers in Nevada cover transgender care. I do not have the $10，000 for that procedure. For all of the surgical care I require， it would cost over $150，000 out of pocket， or the equivalent of buying two houses in my town.

I never dressed “l(fā)ike a girl.” Shopping was an ordeal for both my mother and I. From a young age， I insisted on shopping in the boys section. I got a lot of disapproving looks from adults in the store， but I never let anybody tell me how I was supposed to feel. I shaved my head when I was 8. That was the last time my mother ever let my sister take me for a haircut. Since I hacked off most of my own hair when I was 4， Im sure it could not have been much of a surprise.

In third grade， right after my head shaving experience， a parent volunteer at my school followed me into a restroom and dragged me out， yelling at me in front of the entire playground for using the “wrong”restroom. I simply used the girls room， as I had always been instructed. As a painfully shy child， being laughed at by all the students at my school was beyond mortifying. It was bad enough that every single day of elementary school， another student would approach me as I sat alone on a bench and ask， “Are you a boy or a girl？” It happened without fail.

In seventh grade， my gym class had a substitute one day， and we happened to be excused from the track late. We all ran back to the locker rooms to avoid being late for the next class. As I tried to enter， the substitute grabbed my arm， her nails dug into the skin and scratched me painfully， and pulled me out， yelling at me for trying to enter the girls locker room. I went to my next class with blood on my arm because I had done what I had always been told to do.

In high school， my vice principal agreed to let me change in the bathroom in the office building instead of the locker room after a girl complained to me that she was uncomfortable in the same locker room as me.

I began binding my chest when I was 13， ten years ago. Its painful， it makes it hard to breath， I get faint and dizzy and nauseous， and the idea that people would be able to notice my chest size anyway causes me such bad anxiety that I take medication for it. But I cannot leave my house without my binder on， even though it digs into my skin and bruises me， and has almost caused me to pass out at work more than once. This is because I have a fear that if someone notices that Im trans， theyll either refer to me as a female， or hurt me. That is not even an irrational fear. People like me are beaten， raped， burned， stoned， drowned， cut， shot， and murdered at a rate that would make any reasonable person terrified.

As a trans person， Ive had nasty things said to me， things thrown at me， Ive been shot with a pellet gun from a moving car， someone tried to hit me with a car my sophomore year， and Ive been laughed at， pointed at， stared at， mocked， and humiliated all my life. I have been called tranny， dyke， he-she， and it， all to my face. In online discussions， people have offered to “teach me how to be a woman” （which essentially means they offered to rape me until I agreed I was female）， told me that I would never“be a man” because of my chromosomes （Ive never had a chromosome test， so even I dont know what my chromosomes actually are）， and told that Im just doing this for male privilege （as if I knew what that was when I was 3）.

Transition is not a one-time thing. For some people， it takes years， and for some， it never ends. I have been in transition for more than a decade， and it will probably take another decade to get where I want to be.

I do not regret deciding to transition. I had suicidal thoughts at the age of 7. Nobody needs that much misery in their life. Since Ive begun transitioning， I feel free， happy， and complete for the first time in my life.

我是一名跨性別者，出生時為女性。我使用男性人稱代詞。我三歲的時候就意識到我在心理上是男性。在13歲時，我在心理上認(rèn)同了自己的跨性別者身份，14歲時對父母坦白，而家里其他親戚則在我18歲時才知道這件事。我17歲時開始服用睪丸激素，18歲時更改了我的法定名字。認(rèn)為易性過程很短很簡單的人數(shù)量多得驚人。包括我自己在內(nèi)的很多跨性別者都被問及我們有沒有進(jìn)行“手術(shù)”（真是無禮的問題），仿佛易性就只涉及這么一件事。有趣的是，我個人的易性過程牽涉多年的自我發(fā)現(xiàn)、自我揭露、重重困難、藥物治療、醫(yī)生、心理醫(yī)生、內(nèi)分泌學(xué)家、性別專家……而且易性的過程將經(jīng)歷不止一場手術(shù)，而是歷時多年的六次手術(shù)！

變性手術(shù)對很多人來說是高不可攀的奢侈消費。21歲那年，我在申請者的隊列中等候一筆保險金的發(fā)放，用于支付乳房切除手術(shù)（雙乳房切除手術(shù)和胸壁重建）的費用。不幸的是，我因必須遷居到別的州而失去了這項保險。內(nèi)華達(dá)州的保險公司鮮有覆蓋跨性別者醫(yī)療項目的險種。我支付不起進(jìn)行乳房切除手術(shù)的1萬美元費用。我所需要進(jìn)行的全部外科手術(shù)加起來會花光15萬美元，這筆錢在我那個鎮(zhèn)上能買兩所房子。

我從來都不會穿得“像個女孩”。購物對于我和我媽都是折磨。從小時候起，我就堅持在男孩用品區(qū)購物。店里的大人們常常對我的打扮露出不贊同的神色，但我從不讓別人來告訴我該作何感受。我8歲的時候剃了個光頭。打那次以后，我媽再也不讓我姐姐帶我去剪頭發(fā)。由于我4歲時就把自己的大部分頭發(fā)剪掉，我能肯定剃光頭不會太令人吃驚。

三年級時，就在我剃完光頭之后，一位在我的學(xué)校當(dāng)志愿者的家長尾隨我進(jìn)了公用洗手間并把我拽了出去，當(dāng)著整個運動場的人的面，大喊大叫地訓(xùn)斥我進(jìn)錯廁所。我只是遵從大人向來的教導(dǎo)，用了女洗手間。作為一個極度害羞的孩子，被全校的學(xué)生嘲笑，感覺可不僅僅是窘迫而已。小學(xué)期間的每一天，當(dāng)我獨自坐在長凳上時，都會有別的學(xué)生過來問我：“你是男孩還是女孩？”僅僅這一點就夠糟糕的了。沒有一次能避開這種發(fā)問。

七年級時，一天，我的體育課上來了一位代課老師，而且碰巧那天我們在跑道上解散得比較晚。我們都跑回去更衣室，以免下一節(jié)課遲到。當(dāng)我正要進(jìn)入更衣室時，這位代課老師抓住我的手臂把我拉出去，因我試圖闖進(jìn)女更衣室而沖我大喊大叫著，她的指甲嵌進(jìn)我的皮膚里，抓得我生疼。我手臂上帶著血跡去上下一節(jié)課，只因為我做了一直被教導(dǎo)去做的事。

高中時，一個女生向我抱怨說和我共處一個更衣室很不舒服，之后副校長就同意讓我在辦公樓的浴室里而不是在學(xué)生更衣室里換衣服。

十年前，那時我13歲，我開始把胸部包扎起來。這樣做很痛，讓我難以呼吸，我感覺無力、頭暈?zāi)垦！盒?，但無論如何，一想到人們會注意到我胸部的大小，我就十分焦慮，甚至需要吃藥抵御這種焦慮。但是不包扎起來我就不能踏出家門，盡管繃帶陷進(jìn)肉里把肉勒得瘀傷，還不止一次地讓我在工作時間幾乎昏倒。這是因為我害怕如果有人發(fā)現(xiàn)我是跨性別者，他們不是會把我說成是女人，就是會傷害我。這種恐懼還不算荒謬。像我這樣的跨性別者被毆打、被蹂躪、被火燒、被石頭砸、被水淹、被刀砍、被槍擊、被殺害的幾率大到能讓任何有理智的人都感到恐懼。

作為跨性別者，我聽過別人對我說的污言穢語，被人用東西砸過，被人從行進(jìn)中的汽車?yán)镩_彈丸槍射擊過，大二的時候有人試圖開車撞我，我被嘲笑，被指手劃腳，被瞪視，被模仿，被羞辱。這輩子一直是這樣過的。別人沖著我的臉叫我“異裝癖”、“女同性戀”、“他她”，還有“它”。在網(wǎng)上討論時，有些人提出“教我怎樣做女人”（本質(zhì)上是提出要蹂躪我直到我承認(rèn)自己是女性為止），跟我說由于染色的緣故，我永遠(yuǎn)都不會“成為一個男人”（我從沒進(jìn)行過染色體檢驗，所以我自己也不知道我的染色體情況到底怎樣），對我說我易性只是為了男性的特權(quán)（說得好像我3歲就了解男性特權(quán)似的）。

易性不是一蹴而就的事情。一些人要花數(shù)年的時間，而另一些人則永遠(yuǎn)也沒法完成。我易性的過程已經(jīng)持續(xù)超過十年了，可能還要再花十年，我才能成為想成為的人。

我不后悔易性的決定。我7歲時就有過自殺的念頭。沒人理應(yīng)承受這么多的痛苦。自從我開始了易性的歷程，人生中我第一次感受到了自由、快樂和完滿。