找到我的光

Sara Etgen-Baker 張寧

An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.

—Author Unknown

空燈籠不亮。照顧好自己能讓你閃耀光芒。

——無(wú)名氏

“Pick up the pace！” coaxed1 my husband.

“But I cant！” I said， my heart pounding hard inside my chest. “I cant go any faster！”

“Yes， you can！ Youre not fat anymore.”

There it was， the word “fat” and label that defined me for 30 years. I was a plump2， pleasant little girl， and then a charming， chunky3 teenager. By the time I entered college， I was a spirited and stout4 young woman. Six years later， I was an obese5 college graduate with a bright career ahead of me—a career that failed to take off.

But I was blind to my own obesity， unaware that it was at the core of my unemployability6 until someone shared his reason for not hiring me. “Your credentials7 are sound， but your level of obesity makes me doubt if you can do the job well.”

His words opened my eyes to a hard truth： I was addicted8 to food. Breaking my addiction was hard. It required making different choices. Slowly， I changed my eating habits， eating only when I was physically hungry instead of eating when I was emotionally hungry.

Although I could barely walk down the stairs of my apartment building， I began walking to improve. Initially， I could walk for only 15 minutes at a time. But I pushed myself every day， walking five minutes longer than I did the day before until I walked for an hour and two at last. For two years， I committed9 myself to healthy eating choices and maintained my walking regimen10， slowly and painstakingly changing myself from being an unhealthy 300-pound woman to a 130-pound healthy one. At that point， I traded my walking shoes for running shoes and became an avid11 runner.

My journey motivated my husband. In March 2001， after seeing a commercial12 inviting Americans to nominate13 an ordinary person who inspired them to bring the Olympic flame to Salt Lake City， he nominated me to be a torchbearer14. The chance of being selected was small. But I believed my story would inspire others.

Running taught me the importance of training for a race. I pictured myself running a race and crossing the finish line. For months， I ran through my neighborhood carrying a broken-off broom handle with a three-pound weight on it in my right hand， feeling the weight of the torch. I waved at my neighbors， pretending they were cheering. I printed a picture of a torchbearer wearing the white uniform， replaced the face with a picture of mine， and taped it to my refrigerator door. Every day， I visualized myself as a torchbearer. I was in training to participate in a historic running event.

On September 26th， while on my daily run through my neighborhood， an express package arrived. My hands trembled as I opened it and read：

Youve been selected as a “potential” support runner for the Salt Lake 2002 Olympic Torch Relay...A nationwide search was conducted for ordinary individuals whove inspired others to be both torchbearers and support runners. Youve obviously touched those around you. Although all the torchbearer spots have been filled， youre eligible to be a support runner. A support runner serves as “guardian of the flame” and accompanies torchbearers carrying the Olympic Flame along its journey... Congratulations！

Although I wouldnt be wearing the white uniform and carrying the torch as I had imagined， I wasnt disappointed. My dream of participating in the torch relay was coming true！ I was delighted to be a support runner and “guardian of the flame”. I completed the required physical examination， submitted15 the forms， and waited， knowing that the letter clearly stated I was a “potential” support runner. Months passed without any word， but I continued my training runs through the neighborhood. Finally， on December 20th， another package arrived. It contained my official blue support runner uniform along with instructions for my segment of the relay.

“Bill，” I ran inside the house screaming， “Im officially a support runner！ Were going to Santa Fe， New Mexico！”

For the following weeks and despite winters bitter cold， I ran every day through my neighborhood， clutching16 my makeshift torch in my gloved hand. On January 12th， a bitter cold day， my husband and I stood outside the Torch Relay collection point in Santa Fe. “One of todays torchbearers cant run her segment，” announced the relay organizer as she dropped folded pieces of paper into her hat. “One lucky support runner will become a torchbearer. Select a number from this hat as its passed around.”

I removed my glove and reached into the hat， with my numb17 hand trembling. I closed my eyes， stirred the contents， nabbed18 the first piece of paper that stuck to my fingers， and waited.

“Number 32！ Who has number 32？”

I opened my eyes and unfolded my piece of paper. “Me！Oh， my God...me！”

I was whisked19 inside where I changed into a white torchbearer uniform and boarded the bus with the Olympic theme song blaring20 over the loudspeakers. The bus drove down streets lined with balloons and banners， filled with people waving flags. Then I stepped off the bus and positioned myself to receive the flame. The cold air， filled with excitement， took away my breath. Hold it tightly， I thought， as the flame in the torch carried by the runner before me lit my three-pound torch. I turned around and ran down the street， just as I had practised all those months.

The world vanished. I ran without my feet ever touching the ground. I waved and smiled as I floated past the bystanders， and for an instant I thought I saw Konstantinos Kondylis， the first modern-day Olympic torchbearer， in the crowd. “Its about sharing the Olympic spirit， and giving the flame of strength and inspiration to others，” he murmured.

Like Konstantinos， I was an ordinary person taking part in an extraordinary running event—one that had little to do with me. Yes， I was carrying the Torch， but more importantly， I was carrying the Olympic spirit. I still run， inspired to live and work with the Olympic spirit in my heart， doing my part to inspire others.

“加快步伐！”我丈夫哄我說(shuō)。

“但我做不到！”我說(shuō)著，我的心在胸腔里砰砰地跳，“我沒(méi)法再快了！”

“不，你可以的！你再也不是胖子了?！?/p>

就是“胖”這個(gè)詞和標(biāo)簽，定義了我30年。我曾是一個(gè)肉乎乎、可愛(ài)的小女孩，然后成為一個(gè)迷人、矮胖的少女。進(jìn)入大學(xué)的時(shí)候，我變成了一個(gè)精力充沛、肥胖的年輕女子。六年后，我成了一個(gè)過(guò)胖的大學(xué)畢業(yè)生，有著前途光明的職業(yè)在前方向我招手——但是我沒(méi)能成功。

但我對(duì)自己的肥胖視而不見(jiàn)，直到有人告訴我他不雇用我的原因，我才意識(shí)到肥胖是我找不到工作的關(guān)鍵。“你的文憑很好，但你肥胖的程度讓我懷疑你能否做好工作。”

他的話使我看到了一個(gè)殘酷的事實(shí)：我沉迷于食物。戒掉癮很難，它需要我做出不同的選擇。慢慢地，我改變了我的飲食習(xí)慣，只在生理上餓的時(shí)候吃，而不是在情緒上饑餓的時(shí)候吃。

雖然我?guī)缀鯊牟徊叫邢鹿?，但我開(kāi)始步行來(lái)改善。最初，我一次只能走15分鐘。但我每天都在逼迫自己，比頭一天多走5分鐘，直到走一個(gè)小時(shí)，最后走兩個(gè)小時(shí)。兩年來(lái)，我一直致力于選擇健康飲食，并堅(jiān)持自己的走路習(xí)慣，慢慢地、艱苦地將自己從一個(gè)300磅重（約136kg）的不健康女性轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)?30磅重（約59kg）的健康女性。在那一刻，我把我的休閑鞋換成了跑步鞋，成了一名狂熱的跑步者。

我的歷程激勵(lì)了我丈夫。2001年3月，在看到一則廣告邀請(qǐng)美國(guó)人推薦一位激勵(lì)了他們的普通人將奧運(yùn)圣火帶到鹽湖城后，我的丈夫推薦我擔(dān)任火炬手。被選中的幾率很小，但我相信我的故事會(huì)激勵(lì)其他人。

跑步教會(huì)了我針對(duì)比賽進(jìn)行訓(xùn)練的重要性。我想象自己賽跑并越過(guò)終點(diǎn)線。幾個(gè)月來(lái)，我右手拿著一把三磅重（約1.4kg）的斷了的掃帚柄，在附近街區(qū)跑來(lái)跑去，感受著火炬的重量。我向鄰居揮手，假想他們?cè)跉g呼。我打印了一張身穿白色制服的火炬手的照片，用我的照片替換了他的臉，并用膠帶貼在冰箱門上。每天，我都把自己想象成一個(gè)火炬手。我正在為參加一個(gè)歷史性的跑步活動(dòng)而訓(xùn)練。

9月26日，我在進(jìn)行日常街區(qū)跑步時(shí)，一個(gè)快遞包裹到了。我用顫抖的手打開(kāi)它，里面寫著：

你被選為2002年鹽湖城奧運(yùn)火炬接力的“有潛質(zhì)的”助跑者……我們?cè)谌珖?guó)范圍內(nèi)尋找那些激勵(lì)過(guò)其他人的普通人成為火炬手和助跑者。你顯然感動(dòng)了你周圍的人。雖然所有的火炬手名額都已經(jīng)滿了，但你有資格成為一名助跑者。助跑者是“圣火守護(hù)者”，會(huì)陪同火炬手舉著奧運(yùn)圣火一路前行……恭喜你！

雖然我不會(huì)像想象的那樣穿上白色制服，手持火炬，但我并不失望。我參加火炬?zhèn)鬟f的夢(mèng)想成真了！我很高興能成為一名助跑者和“圣火守護(hù)者”。我完成了規(guī)定的體檢，提交了表格，然后等待，因?yàn)槲抑佬胖星宄乇砻魑沂且幻坝袧撡|(zhì)”的助跑者。幾個(gè)月過(guò)去了，我一聲不吭，繼續(xù)在街區(qū)里跑步訓(xùn)練。最后，在12月20日，又一個(gè)包裹到了。里面有我的官方藍(lán)色助跑者制服和我的接力部分的說(shuō)明。

“比爾，”我尖叫著跑進(jìn)屋子，“我正式成為了一名助跑者！我們要去新墨西哥州的圣達(dá)菲！”

接下來(lái)的幾周里，盡管冬天寒冷刺骨，我還是每天都跑步穿過(guò)附近街區(qū)，戴著手套握著我的臨時(shí)火炬。1月12日，那是個(gè)寒冷刺骨的日子，我和丈夫站在圣達(dá)菲火炬接力采集點(diǎn)外。“今天的一個(gè)火炬手跑不了她的那部分，”接力的組織者宣布。她把折疊的紙條扔到她的帽子里?！耙晃恍疫\(yùn)的助跑者將成為火炬手。在把這頂帽子傳過(guò)去的時(shí)候，從中抽出一個(gè)數(shù)字?！?/p>

我摘下手套，把手伸進(jìn)帽子里，麻木的手顫抖著。我閉上眼睛，攪動(dòng)里面的東西，抓住了手指碰到的第一張紙條，然后等待著。

“32號(hào)！誰(shuí)有32號(hào)？”

我睜開(kāi)眼睛，打開(kāi)了我的那張紙條?！拔遥∨?，我的天……是我！”

我被帶到里面，換上白色火炬手制服，登上了巴士，喇叭里響起奧林匹克主題曲。巴士沿著掛滿氣球和橫幅的街道行駛，街上擠滿了揮舞旗幟的人。然后我下了車，準(zhǔn)備迎接圣火。寒冷的空氣里充滿了興奮，令我喘不過(guò)氣來(lái)。當(dāng)我前面的一個(gè)火炬手手中火炬的火焰點(diǎn)燃了我三磅重的火炬時(shí)，我想著，緊緊地握住它。我轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身，沿街跑去，就像我所有這幾個(gè)月里練習(xí)的那樣。

世界消失了，我跑的時(shí)候腳都沒(méi)碰到地面。當(dāng)我從旁觀者身邊飄過(guò)時(shí)，我揮手微笑，有那么一瞬間，我想我在人群中看到了第一位現(xiàn)代奧運(yùn)火炬手康斯坦丁·康迪利斯?！斑@就是分享奧林匹克精神，把力量和靈感的火焰?zhèn)鬟f給別人?！彼吐暤卣f(shuō)。

和康斯坦丁一樣，我也是個(gè)參加了一個(gè)非同尋常的跑步活動(dòng)的普通人——這個(gè)跑步活動(dòng)與我沒(méi)多大關(guān)系。是的，我是在傳遞火炬，但更重要的是，我是在傳遞奧林匹克精神。我仍然在跑步，在生活和工作上受到激勵(lì)，心中充滿奧林匹克精神，盡自己的一份力量去激勵(lì)他人。

（英語(yǔ)原文選自：www.chickensoup.com）