雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列（8）：恰當(dāng)?shù)呐e例可為作文增色

為了論證段落中的主要觀點(diǎn)，我們可以采用多種多樣的方法，比如對(duì)比法、因果法、引用法等，在雅思寫作中，這些方法都可以采用，但本期老雅想給大家介紹一個(gè)更為常用的方法，即舉例法。顧名思義，舉例法就是舉出恰當(dāng)?shù)睦觼?lái)證明自己的觀點(diǎn)。那么，在雅思寫作中應(yīng)該舉什么樣的例子呢？老雅認(rèn)為，只要是能證明觀點(diǎn)的例子都是合適的，包括名人經(jīng)歷、文學(xué)作品人物、烤鴨自己的親身經(jīng)歷，都可以作為例證。很多同學(xué)在寫作文的時(shí)候，喜歡板著臉講道理，這樣的文章了無(wú)生趣，枯燥無(wú)味，而恰當(dāng)?shù)睦C則可以瞬間點(diǎn)亮文字，給作文增光添彩。本期老雅給大家修改一篇學(xué)生習(xí)作，大家可以看看老雅是如何為它增加例證，讓作文生動(dòng)起來(lái)的。

題目

Do you think it is important for people to want success in life？ Is ambition a positive or negative characteristic？

學(xué)生習(xí)作

The desire for success keeps one motivated to work hard， which is important to both individuals and society， but the scale of its significance remains a question. Basically， I think ambition is a positive trait， only we need to keep a balanced mentality towards it.

Everyone needs to be respected and longs for admiration deep down. Given that success is the most direct way to win others’ favour and approval， it is safe to say that for people to want success derives from their human nature. Typically， the more competent a person is， the more ambitious the person inclines to be. Anyway， to reach one’s potential is not only natural but also encouraged by the whole society for its driving force to the betterment of mankind. To state the obvious， we should not know what a plane is if there had not been this someone who was so ambitious as to want to fly and perhaps no America on our map if the ambitious Columbus never showed up.

However， ambition can also be a burden to people， bearing in mind what is promised by success： more money and higher social status. In a society that judges the personal status of the individual so much by their material worth and social power， it is therefore easy for many to be enslaved by their desire for money or power. So， if one’s ambition comes merely from such longings rather than reaching one’s potential， he/she could not be really happy in the long-term.

Indeed， success is important， but more important is life itself. We try our best to achieve what is required by our hearts and live a full and varied life， and that is all; no matter whether we are successful in others’ eyes.

評(píng)分：6.5

總評(píng)：本題問(wèn)期待成功是好還是壞。事實(shí)上，我們一般會(huì)說(shuō)，當(dāng)然是好，因?yàn)檎沁@種雄心壯志才能推動(dòng)這個(gè)世界前進(jìn);但過(guò)分的雄心壯志，尤其是那些為個(gè)人目的的雄心壯志，可能會(huì)毀滅個(gè)人，甚至毀滅世界。因此，我們應(yīng)該區(qū)分什么樣的雄心壯志，并將其控制在有利于社會(huì)發(fā)展的范疇內(nèi)。學(xué)生習(xí)作語(yǔ)言質(zhì)量相當(dāng)不錯(cuò)（有個(gè)別小錯(cuò)），邏輯也基本通順（有個(gè)別模糊的地方），但總體給人的感覺(jué)比較生硬，似是而非的論證多，實(shí)際而有力的舉例比較少。所以，習(xí)作看起來(lái)好像不錯(cuò)，但讀起來(lái)欠缺英語(yǔ)的親切感。

逐句修改

第1段：The desire for success keeps one motivated to work hard， which is important to both individuals and society， but the scale of its significance remains a question. Basically， I think ambition is a positive trait， only we need to keep a balanced mentality towards it.

【老雅修改】The desire for success keeps one motivated to work hard， which is important to both individuals and the society as a whole， but the scale of its significance remains a question. Basically， I think ambition is a positive trait， only we need to keep a balanced attitude towards it.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】本段引出話題，點(diǎn)明自己觀點(diǎn)，預(yù)示文章整體結(jié)構(gòu)。寫得比較成功。老雅僅做了個(gè)別調(diào)整。

第2段：Everyone needs to be respected and longs for admiration deep down（1）. Given that success is the most direct way to win others’ favour and approval， it is safe to say（2） that for people to want success derives from their human nature. Typically， the more competent a person is， the more ambitious the person inclines to be（3）. Anyway， to reach one’s potential is not only natural but also encouraged by the whole society for its driving force to the betterment of mankind. To state the obvious（4）， we should not know what a plane is if there had not been this someone who was so ambitious as to want to fly and perhaps no America on our map if the ambitious Columbus never showed up（5）.

【老雅修改】Everyone has a deep-ingrained need to be respected and admired. Given that success is the most direct and sure way to win others’ favour and approval， it is rather safe to say that people’s desire for success is derived from their human nature. To reach one’s potential is not only natural but also encouraged by the whole society for it is the driving force for the betterment of mankind. To cite two well-known examples. We should not know what a plane is if there had not been this someone who was so ambitious as to want to fly， nor would there be an America on our map if the ambitious Columbus had never shown up.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】本段論述ambition的好處所在。首先說(shuō)ambition是人的天性，然后指出ambition對(duì)社會(huì)的作用，最后舉例證明。整個(gè)結(jié)構(gòu)比較清楚。幾處修改：（1）Everyone needs to be respected and longs for admiration deep down. 這句語(yǔ)法沒(méi)有錯(cuò)，但一個(gè)被動(dòng)句和一個(gè)主動(dòng)句放在一起，增加了讀者的處理難度，而且deep down用來(lái)表達(dá)“內(nèi)心深處”在這里顯得過(guò)于口語(yǔ)化。整句修改為：Everyone has a deep-ingrained need to be respected and admired. （2）“... it is safe to say... ”顯得過(guò)于絕對(duì)化，增加rather、perhaps這樣的程度副詞，可以弱化一下語(yǔ)氣。（3）Typically， the more competent a person is， the more ambitious the person inclines to be. 本句放置的位置破壞了行文前后的連貫性。前文講ambition是人類天性，后文說(shuō)ambition不僅是人類天性，還是社會(huì)動(dòng)力，而本句講一個(gè)人越能干，就越ambitious，好像前后不搭。所以老雅將本句直接刪去。（4） to state the obvious，這個(gè)短語(yǔ)過(guò)于莊重，不適合出現(xiàn)在雅思作文中。改為to cite two well-known examples。（5）… perhaps no America on our map if the ambitious Columbus never showed up. 本句缺主語(yǔ)，后面的虛擬語(yǔ)氣形式不太準(zhǔn)確。值得肯定的是，習(xí)作在論證中使用了一些舉例，從而讓作文帶有一定的個(gè)性化特色。雅思作文中，不要全板著臉講道理，適當(dāng)舉例（尤其是個(gè)人生活中的例子）可讓作文更加生動(dòng)活潑。比如以下兩段雅思考官高分范文：

例1：Some people spend large sums of money without thinking about it. However， they could manage with less money and have a better life by taking a job they enjoy or by working fewer hours. I have observed that in families who go on expensive holidays and always have a new car， it is often the father who works such long hours that his children rarely see him. In my opinion that is not an attractive lifestyle and it would be better if he found a less well-paid job that enabled him to spend more time at home.

本段意圖證明掙錢多不見(jiàn)得是好事，完全不講大道理，也沒(méi)有堆砌大詞匯，而是用舉例法。這樣包含細(xì)節(jié)的例子和親切通順的語(yǔ)言（... who go on expensive holidays and always have a new car...）非常具有個(gè)性，而不是千篇一律、讓人生厭的大道理。

例2：Some students use websites which offer ready-made assignments. This is not a good idea， even if you ignore the fact that it is cheating， because such websites may contain factual errors or biased views. In a recent case， a student found herself in serious trouble when she submitted an essay from one of these sites only to discover that it was about Austria， not Australia， but had an error in the title.

本段意在論證網(wǎng)絡(luò)上的信息有可能不準(zhǔn)確。同樣不講大道理，而是用身邊的例子搞定：這個(gè)例子來(lái)自生活，非常具體（Austria， not Australia...），而且非常得當(dāng)，充分證明了網(wǎng)絡(luò)信息的不可靠性。

第3段：However， ambition can also be a burden to people， bearing in mind what is promised by success： more money and higher social status. In a society that judges the personal status of the individual so much by their material worth and social power， it is therefore easy for many to be enslaved by their desire for money or power. So， if one’s ambition comes merely from such longings rather than reaching one’s potential， he/she could not be really happy in the long-term.

【老雅修改】However， ambition can also be a burden to people， if they care too much about what is promised by success： more money and higher social status. In a society that judges individuals by their material success and social power， it is way too easy for many to be enslaved by their desire for money and power. Such people could never be really happy because their ambition leads to these unwanted longings rather than reaching their potentials. I have seen many such “ambitious” fathers who find no time to stay together with their children in their pursuit of big houses and expensive cars.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】本段論證ambition可能帶來(lái)的問(wèn)題。原文有一定邏輯性，但問(wèn)題同樣存在：講道理太多，實(shí)際例子不夠，所以雖然語(yǔ)言功底看似不錯(cuò)，但寫出來(lái)的內(nèi)容沒(méi)有吸引力。老雅在段末增加了一個(gè)例子，讓作文顯得更加溫情一些。

第4段：Indeed， success is important， but more important is life itself. We try our best to achieve what is required by our hearts and live a full and varied life， and that is all; no matter whether we are successful in others’ eyes.

【老雅修改】Indeed， success is important， but more important is life itself. Therefore， we should look at ambition as something that helps us to achieve a full and varied life. If this happens， whether we are successful or not does not really matter.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】此為結(jié)論段，但令人奇怪的是，卻沒(méi)有出現(xiàn)全文的關(guān)鍵詞ambition。修改文從第一句中的life入手，提出它與ambition的關(guān)聯(lián)，然后以自己的觀點(diǎn)結(jié)束全文。

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