棄貓：致我前主人的一封信

I will never forget the last time I saw you. Maybe because I always hated going for car rides， and that day you left me at the shelter. At first I thought we were headed to the dreaded vet—who I hadnt seen in three years anyway but still remembered—but no， that day we took a far worse trip together. That day， you took me to the shelter.

You couldnt even look me in the eye or answer my cries in the backseat of your car like you used to when youd take me to the vet. “Shhh， sweetie，” youd say when I howled inside my carrier back then. This day， you had nothing to say. We drove across town in silence， you didnt even have the radio on. I wasnt sure what Id done or why you wouldnt even speak to me. Ive been a good boy. I always use my box. I try not to knock things off the table Im not supposed to be on， and I even try not to scratch your couch， but it would have been really nice if you would have bought me my own scratching post so I wouldnt have to.

You pulled my carrier out of the car， and I knew before you even opened the door to the shelter that this place was bad. It was very， very bad. My heightened sense of smell tipped me off no sooner than youd taken a few steps toward the shelter. I know you could smell it too， because I swear for a moment you stopped and almost turned around. I thought maybe youd made a wrong turn and taken us to the wrong place， because surely you wouldnt leave me， your loyal friend， in a place like this. Youd turn around， put me back in the car， drive us back home. And wed all have a good laugh later about that time you accidentally drove us to the shelter when you meant to take me to the pet store to pick out new toys.

I know this might sound weird to you， my human， but I could feel the pain and loneliness of every single animal who had ever died in that building before we even walked in. There are baby kittens and puppies who never knew the love of a human， but also—and worse—the longing of cats and dogs who once knew the joy of a family， of sharing their lives with a beloved human until they ended up in that bad， bad building for whatever reason. Id like to think you felt that pain too， and thats what stopped you just before you opened the door. But， for whatever reason， you kept going.

“This cant be happening，” I said to myself， sitting quietly in my carrier in the lobby as you talked to another human about “paperwork”（whatever that is）. I think you told them you are moving. Or you are allergic to me even though I have slept on your pillow next to you for the last five years and you never once even sneezed. Or you have a new boyfriend and he doesnt like me. I really dont remember. I was too busy trying to close my eyes and make myself wake up from what had to be a bad dream.

The cat next to me in the lobby was desperately clawing at the latch of his carrier trying to get out， and I thought maybe， just maybe， if I show you what a good boy I am， youd change your mind and take me back home. So I didnt say anything. I tucked my front paws under myself and tried to make myself invisible， thinking if they cant see me， theyll think youre crazy and laugh when you say “I need you to take my cat，” because obviously there was no cat in the carrier you brought in.

I shifted on my haunches in the cold， hard carrier—you didnt even put a towel down for me this last time I ever saw you. I remembered resting in this very carrier since I was a kitten， sometimes taking a nap there while you were at work， when it felt like an eternity as I waited for you to come home.

And then they took me away. You didnt even say goodbye. I looked at your face， hoping to see something that told me this was your only option， that， for whatever reason， you thought this was the right thing to do. I know it hurt your heart to leave me here in this place that smells of death the moment you walk in the door. But you turned away and then you were gone.

我永遠(yuǎn)也忘不了最后一次見你的情景?；蛟S是因?yàn)槲蚁騺碛憛捵?，而那天你還把我留在了收容所。起初我以為你要帶我去看可怕的獸醫(yī)——雖然我三年沒見他了，但依然記得他——但是，不，那天的旅行更糟糕。那天，你將我?guī)У絼?dòng)物收容所。

你甚至無法看著我的雙眼，也沒有回應(yīng)我在后座發(fā)出的呼喚。以前當(dāng)你帶我去看獸醫(yī)、我在后座的寵物籠里呼喊時(shí)，你會(huì)對(duì)我說：“噓，親愛的?！钡翘?，你什么也沒說。我們?cè)诔聊写┻^城鎮(zhèn)，你甚至沒有把收音機(jī)打開。我不明白自己做錯(cuò)了什么，不明白為什么你連話都不想跟我說。我一直是個(gè)乖孩子。我上廁所都在自己的砂盆里；我不該爬的桌子上的東西我盡力不弄翻；我甚至還試著不去撓你的沙發(fā)——不過如果你能給我買個(gè)貓抓板就好了，我就不會(huì)去撓你的沙發(fā)了。

你把我的籠子拎到車外。我在你推開收容所大門前就意識(shí)到，這個(gè)地方不妙。非常、非常不妙。當(dāng)你帶著我朝收容所走了幾步時(shí)，我發(fā)達(dá)的嗅覺就已經(jīng)向我通風(fēng)報(bào)信了。我知道你應(yīng)該也聞到了，因?yàn)槲野l(fā)誓，有那么一瞬間你停下了腳步，差一點(diǎn)就掉頭了。我想你可能拐錯(cuò)彎去錯(cuò)地方了，因?yàn)槲沂悄阒艺\的朋友，你肯定不會(huì)把我留在這種地方的。你會(huì)轉(zhuǎn)身，把我放回車內(nèi)，開車載我回家。然后我們會(huì)一起就“本來要帶我去寵物店挑新玩具，結(jié)果卻意外將車開到了收容所”這件事好好調(diào)笑一番。

我的人類，我知道對(duì)你來說這聽起來很詭異，但在我們步入這棟建筑前，我就能感受到每一只死在這里的動(dòng)物的痛苦和孤獨(dú)。那里的貓寶寶和狗寶寶從未感受過主人的愛，而且——更糟糕的是——它們也體會(huì)不了那些被主人拋棄的貓咪和狗狗的渴望。那些動(dòng)物曾享受過家庭的歡樂，也曾享受過與一個(gè)摯愛的人類共度生活的喜悅，但最終，由于種種原因，它們被送到這座恐怖可怕的建筑里。我愿意相信，你也能感受到那種痛苦，那痛苦讓你在推開門之前停下了腳步。但出于種種原因，你還是推開了門。

“這不可能，”我這樣對(duì)自己說道。你正在和其他人類討論“文件”（管他是什么），我則被放在大廳里，安靜地坐在籠子里。我想你跟他們說你要搬家了，或者你對(duì)我過敏（即使我在你枕邊睡了五年，你也從未打過一個(gè)噴嚏）。又或者你交了新男友，他不喜歡我。我真的不記得了。我忙著讓自己閉上雙眼，忙著讓自己從這個(gè)噩夢(mèng)中醒過來。

在大廳里，我旁邊的那只貓正拼命撓著籠閂試圖逃走。我心想，也許，只是也許，如果我向你展示我是多么乖巧，你就會(huì)改變主意帶我回家。所以我一聲也沒吭。我把我的前爪盤在身子底下，試著把自己藏起來，想著如果他們看不見我，就會(huì)認(rèn)為你是個(gè)瘋子。當(dāng)你跟他們說“我要你們收下我的貓”時(shí)，他們就會(huì)笑話你，因?yàn)轱@然你提來的籠子里根本就沒有貓。

在這個(gè)冰冷堅(jiān)硬的籠子里，我換了個(gè)蹲坐的姿勢(shì)——直到最后一次見面你也沒有為我墊條毛巾。我記得從我還是只小貓開始，這個(gè)籠子就是我的休息之所。當(dāng)你出門工作的時(shí)候，我就在家等你，那等待就像永恒一樣漫長(zhǎng)，有時(shí)候我會(huì)在籠子里打個(gè)盹。

然后他們帶走了我。你甚至沒有跟我道別。我盯著你的臉，希望能從那里看到一絲痕跡表明你別無選擇，表明無論出于何種理由，你認(rèn)為這是正確的選擇。讓我知道，把我留在這個(gè)一進(jìn)門就有一股死亡氣息撲面而來的地方，你也很傷心。但你背過身去，然后離我而去。