Talking and Listening

By Ye Shengtao

I have always believed that those who talk and those who listen should not share the same attitude. Many words we have spoken or written down were just like clouds that floated away leaving no traces and influencing no one because the speakers and listeners, or the writers and readers, shared the same attitude.

Those who tell others to do something need to have done it themselves. Otherwise,they can only say something unpersuasive, which is a waste of energy. If those who tell others to do something have not done it themselves, they should feel hollow and uncomfortable.How can they say something substantive? Moreover, when they tell others to do what they have not done, they should blush with shame, which is worse and harder to bear than being scolded.

The listener should not reject an opinion because of the person expressing it. There is no need to ask about the speaker's origin and private conduct, unless you want to make friends or claim kinship with the speaker.Just listen to what the speaker says. If it is unreasonable, you certainly do not have to accept it.If it is reasonable, you can take it without hesitation. The speaker may have an ulterior motive,which needs to be identified.Nevertheless, even if the speaker has an ulterior motive, what he says is not necessarily unworthy of adoption. If what the speaker says is reasonable and you have identified his motive, you will be able to exclude the bad effect and only be positively influenced.

If speakers always worry that listeners will reject an opinion because of the person expressing it, they will rarely say something honest, substantive, or forceful.Although the speaker shall always test his own advice himself before telling others to do so, it is not necessary for the listener to insist such requirement upon the speaker. Otherwise, the listener will often disagree with the speaker, and there will be little advice worthy of adoption in the world. Nowadays, we seem to be in such a situation, so there is a lot of talking with little or no effect.If the speakers and listeners could change their attitudes, I believe that we can make a bigger difference with fewer words. ◆

(From There Are Ways to Talk,Liaoning People's Publishing House. Translation: Chen Jiani)

我常常想，說話的人跟聽話的人不宜取同樣的態(tài)度。咱們經(jīng)常有許多的話，在口頭說著，在筆下寫出，說過寫過就像浮云過太空，不留一些痕跡，不發(fā)生一些影響，就因?yàn)檎f話的人取了聽話的人的態(tài)度，或者聽話的人取了說話的人的態(tài)度。

說話的人的態(tài)度該是“有諸己而后求諸人”。自己也信不過的話，掛在口頭說一陣，多么無聊。沒有話勉強(qiáng)要說話，想著浪費(fèi)了的精力就覺得可惜，還不如默爾而息合乎保養(yǎng)之道。尤其是“求諸人”的話，如果“無諸己”，內(nèi)里空虛別扭，說出來怎么會(huì)充實(shí)圓融？而且說到要人家怎樣怎樣的時(shí)候，想著自己并沒有怎樣怎樣，臉上就禁不住一陣的紅，這一陣臉紅比較挨人家的罵還要厲害，又怎么受得了。

聽話的人的態(tài)度該是“不以人廢言”，說話那個(gè)人的出身如何，私德如何，何必問他？你又不跟他交朋友，攀親眷。你就話論話就是了；話沒有道理，當(dāng)然不用聽他，如果有道理，盡可以毫不疑慮地照單全收。他的話或許別有動(dòng)機(jī)跟作用，那倒是要辨認(rèn)明白的?？墒?，別有動(dòng)機(jī)跟作用的話并不等于不值得采納的話；如果話的本身有道理，你只要辨認(rèn)出他的動(dòng)機(jī)跟作用，就可以單受他的好影響而不受他的壞影響。

說話的人時(shí)時(shí)希望人家“不以人廢言”，誠實(shí)的、充實(shí)圓融的、具有壓迫人家的力量的話就難得聽見了。聽話的人隨時(shí)用“有諸己而后求諸人”的尺度來衡量人家的話，就覺得這也不對(duì)，那也不合，世間很少有值得采納的話了?，F(xiàn)在咱們似乎就在這樣的情形之中，所以說話很多，實(shí)效很少。如果說話的人跟聽話的人彼此把態(tài)度改變一下，我想，話可以少說許多，而實(shí)效可要比現(xiàn)在多得多。◆