在意別人與釋放自我

By+Courtney+Dunsmore

I grew up a people pleaser. It was drilled into me from childhood that it was very important to be aware of what other people thought of me and my actionsatalltimes.

Before I made any decision， I was to carefully weigh out how it would affect others and their thoughtsofme.

As a kid， it worked out pretty well. As an adult...not so much. The constant need to have everyone like me came back to kick me in the butt， againandagain.

It started out through middle and high school when I was figuring out my interests and passions. In my heart， I felt one way. In person， I obviously leanedtowardwhateverIthoughtwas“cool”.

I remember still having the childish awe and passions at that time， but I tried to grow up far too quickly to fit in. Before long it got to the point where every decision in my life involved me heavilyweighingwhatotherpeoplewouldthink.

I built myself completely around othersexpectations， from the way I looked， to my relationships，passions，personality，andmore.

When people asked me about myself， I would carefully figured out answers， but they werentthesametoeveryone.

Ibecameanexpertatanalyzing people and situations so that I could figure out the person I needed to be for those certain people in order for them to like me. I had no one true self， but instead， many different versions of me made to please everyone and anyone.

In relationships， it hurt me the most， possibly. I never revealed my true self to anyone as I didnt want to drive them away. If we got into arguments， I would either apologize and take their side or simply pull myself away from them further as I convinced myselfthatwewerenotmeanttobe.

The journey to my own self！discovery and wantingto please myself most of all began in thelast few months—when a friend pulled away from me after I had upset her. You see， in the past I had pulled away from everyone else first if they got too close to me， never the other way around. It struck me in the healing time that I was not upset because of how close we had become or becauseIvaluedthemsodeeply.

It turned out， what upset me the most was knowing that there was someone out there who did not like me and was harboring bad feelings toward me. The thought of that tore me apart. It wasnt until I was talking to another friend， and she pointed out that it was highly likely that a great number of people didnt like me， that I had a revelation.

There will always be people who dont like me， possibly people who outright dislike me. By trying to cater to everyone except the only person whose feelings mattered （me）， I drove myself into an unhappy place in an impossible attempt to makeeveryonehappy.

I spent so much time trying to get everyone to like me that I never figured out thats not actually whats best for me. Surprisingly， I figured out that in my life， its a good thing to drive people away！ Thatmaysoundweird，butletmeexplain.

It started with this quote from the book ！"#$%& %$（ ）*+ ，-./0 by Rebecca Campbell， which goeslikethis：

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As you“drive people away”， you only get closer to your ideal people. Those who love you， who want to be close to you， who truly value you， areonestepcloser.

Being disliked by some is simply a by！ product of being authentic to who you truly are. The more you embody your true personality， the moreincompatible people will pull away from you. At the same time， the more you adopt your true self， the more like"minded people youll draw towardyou.

從小到大，我一直在討好別人。自孩提時(shí)起，我就被反復(fù)灌輸這樣的觀念：時(shí)刻清楚別人對我及我的行為的看法，那是至關(guān)重要的。

作決定前，我需要仔細(xì)權(quán)衡該決定會(huì)對他人產(chǎn)生的影響以及他人對我的看法。

孩提時(shí)這樣做，效果相當(dāng)好。成人后，就不那么盡如人意了。讓每個(gè)人喜歡我，這樣的持續(xù)需求總會(huì)反過來給我難堪，一次又一次。

這始于初中，又貫穿高中，那時(shí)我正要弄清楚自己的興趣和愛好。在內(nèi)心深處，我感覺是這樣的：在本能上，我偏愛一切我認(rèn)為很酷的東西。

我仍然記得那時(shí)我還有孩子般的敬畏和激情，我很快長大了，這些已無法適應(yīng)。不久就到了這種地步———生活中的每個(gè)決定都要讓我努力斟酌別人的看法。

我完全讓自己活在他人的期望之上，從裝扮到人際關(guān)系、愛好、性格等各個(gè)方面。

人們問我關(guān)于我的問題時(shí)，我會(huì)仔細(xì)考慮答案，面對不同的人，答案會(huì)不一樣。

我變得特別擅長分析他人及情形，這樣我就能想出面對某些人時(shí)我需要呈現(xiàn)的樣子，就為了讓他們能喜歡我。我沒有一個(gè)真正的自我，只有為了取悅別人時(shí)呈現(xiàn)的多個(gè)版本的我。

人際關(guān)系方面可能是最令我受傷的。我從未對任何人展示過真正的自我，因?yàn)槲也幌氚阉麄冓s走。如果我們有矛盾，我要么道歉并接受他們的觀點(diǎn)，要么直接遠(yuǎn)離他們，同時(shí)進(jìn)一步說服自己我們并非有意如此。

進(jìn)行自我發(fā)現(xiàn)和首先取悅自己的旅程是從最近幾個(gè)月開始的———一個(gè)朋友在我讓她不高興后離開了我的時(shí)候。過去，如果別人與我太親近，都是我先遠(yuǎn)離他們，從來沒有反過來過。這段時(shí)間，我很受打擊，但我并不是因?yàn)槲覀冊?jīng)多么親近，或者我曾經(jīng)多么珍惜他們而難過。

最令我苦惱的，是我知道有人不喜歡我，而且對我有不好的印象，想到這我就感到痛心。直到與另一個(gè)朋友聊天時(shí)，她說很可能有很多人不喜歡我，我才認(rèn)清這一事實(shí)。

總有一些人會(huì)不喜歡我，還可能有一些人非常討厭我。我努力迎合其他人，唯獨(dú)忽略了自己，而自己的感受其實(shí)也很重要。我努力但又不現(xiàn)實(shí)地想讓每個(gè)人都高興，結(jié)果把自己逼得很不開心。

我花了很多時(shí)間試圖讓每個(gè)人都喜歡我，我從沒想明白這事實(shí)上對我沒什么好處。出人意料的是，我明白了，在生活中把別人趕走可能是一件明智的事情。這聽起來可能很奇怪，請聽我解釋。

讓我引用麗貝卡·坎貝爾的書《點(diǎn)亮新風(fēng)尚》中的一段話，原文如下：

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在你趕走一些人時(shí)，你只會(huì)離你的理想人群更近。這些人愛你，想和你親近，真正地在乎你，他們會(huì)離你更近一步。

不被某些人喜歡只是展現(xiàn)真實(shí)自我的一個(gè)副產(chǎn)品。你越展示真實(shí)的自我，就會(huì)有越多與你合不來的人離開你。同時(shí)，越展現(xiàn)真實(shí)的自我，你便會(huì)吸引越多與你志趣相投的人。

編后

每個(gè)人都有自己的個(gè)性，而這種個(gè)性有時(shí)會(huì)與別人發(fā)生沖突，給人帶來情感上的困擾。太在意別人的目光，會(huì)失去自己的個(gè)性，失去自己的風(fēng)格，反而得不到更多人的喜歡。太注重釋放自我，則容易陷入自私、狹隘的泥潭，在自我的天地里自娛自樂。一個(gè)人是放棄自我迎合世俗，還是只為自己而活？真正明智的生活姿態(tài)，應(yīng)該是在在意別人中釋放自我，在悅?cè)说耐瑫r(shí)不忘悅己。這樣，才有超凡脫俗的境界，才值得人仰望。（陳姣）