青少年、自戀以及“被誤解的”自信

By+Lea+Waters

Psychological science is full of interesting topics， many of which align1 to tell a coherent picture of human nature， but some of which create seemingly contradictory stories. A case in point is the thorny2， and misunderstood， intersection between strength-based science and the research on narcissism.

There is now convincing evidence to show that narcissism is on the rise， especially in our youth. Some researchers have gone so far as to say that it is occurring in epidemic proportions， with about 25% of young people showing symptoms of narcissism. The inflated ego of Generation Me is reflected in reality TV， celebrity worship， out-of-control consumerism， voyeurism， materialism…perhaps even a new breed of president.3

We are correct to be concerned about this phenomenon but our fear that all kids are budding4 narcissists has caused an unhelpful counter-reaction to approaches that seek to make our children and teens feel good about themselves.

In my own research on strength-based parenting it is common for people to wrongly label this approach as a recipe for self-entitlement. Their argument seems to be that a child who knows their strengths will automatically view themselves as better than everyone else. It is argued that the self-assurance that comes with identifying and using their positive qualities will make a child arrogant， selfish and uncaring. Genuine confidence about ones strengths is categorised as over-confidence； desirable self-knowledge is branded as excessive self-admiration.

Why does this occur？ Its partly because more is known about narcissism than strengths. While strengths psychology has largely stayed within the confines of academic journals or has been applied only within certain contexts such as the workplace， research on narcissism has made its way into the mass media and into our collective conscious. The New York Times noted that narcissism is a favoured “go-to”5 topic and that people everywhere are diagnosing others with it.

The fear that a strength-based approach will cause narcissism also occurs because we unwittingly fall prey to binary thinking.6 We mistakenly believe that one cannot be both confident and humble. We focus on Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian rather than Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa.7 Theres no way that Gandhi and Mother Teresa could have achieved what they did without confidence in their strengths， and yet they are both pillars of humility and selflessness.

When we assume that strength-focus is the same as a selffocus， we fail to entertain the idea that people who know their strengths are， actually， more likely to be pro-social and focus on helping others.8endprint

Its tempting to conclude that every young person is at risk of becoming a narcissist but Id like to stand up for the thousands of young kids I have worked with who are caring， thoughtful and humble—even when they use their strengths.

Prof Jean Twenge from San Diego State University， an expert on narcissism， points out that narcissism is distinct from the concept of self-esteem. Being a strength-based parent is not about indulging your child in grandiosity9， its about connecting to them to what is really inside of them， their inherent talents and qualities.

Nor is strength-based parenting about ignoring a childs weaknesses or problem behaviour. Indeed， the solid self-identity that comes through strengthbased parenting gives children the sturdy foundation needed to acknowledge and address their weak spots because they know that their parent is seeing their strengths.

In other words， their strengths are not overly inflated and their weaknesses are not ignored—this is pretty much the opposite of narcissism.

At its core， strength-based parenting helps kids develop self-awareness—a key psychological building block for a happy life. Self-awareness，“knowing who they are”， allows your child to make better decisions about their interests， friendships， school subject choices， career and so on—real choices that suit their personality， skills and talents， not grandiose choices based on a false， over-inflated sense of self.

Finally， contrary to what some people argue， theres little risk of strength-based parent creating a selfinvolved child who thinks they are the only special one in the world. If anything， strength-based parents drive home the point that our strengths make us unique， but they dont make us special—because everyone has strengths.

Theres actually nothing special about having strengths. What is special is how we learn to use them in ways that are good for us and for others. That is how strength-based parents help kids achieve.

We cannot ignore the alarming10 trend of rising narcissism—its constantly in our face—but we are wrong to think we should not build confidence in our kids.

In truth， our best bet to overturn this trend of narcissism is to raise a generation of kind， selfconfident， humble kids. Kids who know their strengths and know how to use them to create a better future for society.endprint

心理科學(xué)充滿了有趣的話題，其中有許多連貫一致將人類天性勾畫出來，但也有一些則似乎自相矛盾。其中一例就是基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的心理科學(xué)與自戀研究的交叉部分，十分棘手而且存在誤解。

如今有令人信服的證據(jù)表明自戀問題正在抬頭，尤其是在年輕人當(dāng)中。有些研究人員甚至聲稱自戀正在以流行病的態(tài)勢蔓延，大約有25%的年輕人表現(xiàn)出自戀的癥狀。“唯我獨(dú)尊的一代”那膨脹的自我反映在電視真人秀、名人崇拜、失控的消費(fèi)主義、偷窺心理、物質(zhì)享樂主義……或許甚至在新一任總統(tǒng)身上。

我們對這一現(xiàn)象表示擔(dān)憂并沒有錯(cuò)，但如果我們擔(dān)心所有的孩子都是萌芽中的自戀癥患者則會(huì)適得其反，使得那些試圖讓孩子們和青少年自我感覺變好的方法失效。

在我自己基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的育兒研究中，人們普遍錯(cuò)誤地給這種方法貼上“自戀良方”的標(biāo)簽。他們的論據(jù)似乎就是孩子一旦了解自身的長處就會(huì)自動(dòng)地認(rèn)為自己高人一等。人們認(rèn)為通過發(fā)掘、發(fā)揮自身長處獲得的自信會(huì)讓孩子變得傲慢無禮、自私自利、冷漠無情。在看待自我優(yōu)點(diǎn)上，真正的自信被當(dāng)做自負(fù)；適當(dāng)?shù)淖晕伊私獗划?dāng)做過度自戀。

為什么會(huì)這樣？部分原因是因?yàn)槿藗儗ψ詰俚牧私庖葘?yōu)點(diǎn)的多。優(yōu)點(diǎn)心理學(xué)很大程度上仍然僅見諸于學(xué)術(shù)期刊或者只在有限的場景（比如職場）中運(yùn)用，而自戀研究則已走進(jìn)了大眾媒體并且走進(jìn)了我們的集體意識?！都~約時(shí)報(bào)》指出，自戀是一個(gè)人們喜愛隨口談起的話題，而且不管在哪里人們都在為其他人下“自戀”的診斷書。

人們之所以擔(dān)心基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的方法會(huì)造成自戀也是因?yàn)槲覀儾蛔杂X地陷入了二元對立的思維模式。我們錯(cuò)誤地認(rèn)為人不能同時(shí)自信與謙卑。我們關(guān)注唐納德·特朗普和金·卡戴珊而非圣雄甘地和特蕾莎修女。但如果圣雄甘地和特蕾莎修女對自己的優(yōu)點(diǎn)毫無自信的話，他們不可能取得如此的成就，然而他們二位都是謙卑與無私的典范。

當(dāng)我們假設(shè)關(guān)注優(yōu)點(diǎn)等同于關(guān)注自我，我們就不能接受這一看法：了解自身長處的人事實(shí)上更可能是親社會(huì)的，并且注重幫助他人。

人們很容易得出結(jié)論：所有年輕人都有自戀的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)，但我愿意為與我共事過的成千上萬體貼、周到、謙遜的孩子們說話，甚至是在他們發(fā)揮自身優(yōu)點(diǎn)時(shí)。

圣地亞哥州立大學(xué)的讓·特溫格教授是一名研究自戀問題的專家，她指出自戀與自尊的概念有所不同。成為基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的父母并不意味著要縱容孩子狂妄自大，而是將他們同自身內(nèi)在真正已有的優(yōu)點(diǎn)聯(lián)結(jié)起來，同他們與生俱來的才能與品質(zhì)聯(lián)結(jié)起來。

基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的育兒也不意味著忽視孩子的弱點(diǎn)或者問題行為。確切來說，通過基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的育兒構(gòu)建的穩(wěn)固的自我身份給了孩子承認(rèn)、改進(jìn)自身缺點(diǎn)的堅(jiān)實(shí)基礎(chǔ)，因?yàn)樗麄冎栏改缚吹搅俗约旱膬?yōu)點(diǎn)。

換句話說，他們的優(yōu)點(diǎn)沒有被過分夸大，而他們的缺點(diǎn)也沒有被忽視——這可以說與自戀恰恰相反。

就其核心而言，基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的育兒幫助孩子培養(yǎng)自我意識——獲得幸福生活的關(guān)鍵心理基石。自我意識，即“了解自己是誰”，讓孩子在興趣、友誼、課程選擇、事業(yè)等方面做出更好的選擇——真正適合自身個(gè)性、技能與天賦的選擇，而非基于虛假、膨脹的自我意識之上的不切實(shí)際的選擇。

最后，與一些人所認(rèn)為的相反，基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的父母不太可能會(huì)培養(yǎng)出認(rèn)為自己天下無雙的自戀的孩子。總而言之，基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的父母讓孩子明白我們的優(yōu)點(diǎn)讓我們獨(dú)特但并沒有使我們變得特別——因?yàn)槿巳硕加袃?yōu)點(diǎn)。

擁有優(yōu)點(diǎn)并沒什么特別。特別的是我們?nèi)绾螌W(xué)會(huì)以利己利人的方式運(yùn)用優(yōu)點(diǎn)。這就是基于優(yōu)點(diǎn)的父母是如何幫助孩子獲得成功的。

我們不能忽視自戀問題令人擔(dān)憂的蔓延趨勢——這一問題始終揮之不去——但我們認(rèn)為我們不應(yīng)培養(yǎng)孩子的自信，這是錯(cuò)誤的。

事實(shí)上，我們逆轉(zhuǎn)自戀蔓延趨勢的最好辦法就是培養(yǎng)出一代善良、自信、謙卑的孩子。他們了解自身的優(yōu)點(diǎn)并且懂得如何運(yùn)用優(yōu)點(diǎn)為社會(huì)創(chuàng)造更美好的未來。

1. align： 使成為一線，協(xié)調(diào)。

2. thorny： 棘手的。

3. consumerism： 消費(fèi)主義，是指人們一種毫無顧忌、毫無節(jié)制的消耗物質(zhì)財(cái)富和自然資源，并把消費(fèi)看成是人生最高目的的消費(fèi)觀和價(jià)值觀；voyeurism： //偷窺癖；materialism： 實(shí)利主義，物質(zhì)主義（認(rèn)為錢財(cái)比宗教、道德、藝術(shù)等更重要的信仰）。

4. budding： 初露頭角的。

5. go-to： 不加思考而最常使用的。

6. unwittingly： 不知不覺地；fall prey to： 深受……之害；binary：二元的。

7. Kim Kardashian： 金·卡戴珊，美國娛樂界名媛；Mahatma Gandhi： 圣雄甘地（1869—1948），印度民族解放運(yùn)動(dòng)領(lǐng)導(dǎo)人、印度國父；Mother Teresa： 特蕾莎修女（1910—1997），世界著名的天主教慈善工作者，一生致力于消除貧困，1979年獲諾貝爾和平獎(jiǎng)。

8. entertain： 心存，懷著；pro-social： 親社會(huì)的，有利于社會(huì)的。

9. grandiosity： // [心理學(xué)] 夸大。下文的grandiose意為“浮夸的，不切實(shí)際的”。

10. alarming： 使人驚慌的。endprint