與老爸老媽的相處指南

Suzanne+Zimbler+祝莉麗

與父母相處得不是很融洽？時(shí)不時(shí)地會(huì)與父母發(fā)生爭執(zhí)？不用太過煩惱，大多數(shù)孩子與父母之間都會(huì)存在這樣那樣的問題。關(guān)鍵是要找出問題所在，并冷靜、有禮貌地解決，這樣才能讓你們的親密關(guān)系更上一層樓哦。

A Changing Relationship一種變化的關(guān)系

If there was one thing you could make parents understand about kids， what would it be？ That is one of the questions Time for Kids and KidsHealth.org recently asked in an anonymous1） poll2） conducted online. More than 8000 kids answered. "We just want to spend time with you，" said a 12-year-old. "At 13， you can't treat me like I'm 6，" another kid said. An 11-year-old wrote， "Being a kid is a lot harder than it looks."

The kids who took the poll made it clear that they want to feel close to the important people in their life—their mom， dad， and other caring adults. But their answers also show that it is not always easy to navigate3） these close relationships.

如果你能通過一件事讓父母了解孩子，那會(huì)是什么事？最近（編注：英文原文發(fā)表于2016年3月），《時(shí)代周刊·兒童版》和兒童健康網(wǎng)聯(lián)合在網(wǎng)上發(fā)起了一次匿名問卷調(diào)查，這就是列入其中的一個(gè)問題。此次調(diào)查共有8000多個(gè)孩子填寫了問卷?！拔覀兙拖牒湍銈兇谝黄??！币粋€(gè)12歲的孩子說?！拔?3歲了，你們不能像對(duì)待6歲小孩兒那樣對(duì)待我?！绷硪粋€(gè)孩子說。一個(gè)11歲的孩子寫道：“做個(gè)孩子可比表面上看起來難多了。”

參加此次問卷調(diào)查的孩子們明確表示，他們想與自己生活中最重要的人（他們的媽媽、爸爸和其他關(guān)心他們的成年人）有親密感。然而他們的回答也表明，正確應(yīng)對(duì)這些親密關(guān)系并非總是那么容易。

Getting Along and Having Fun相處融洽，享受快樂

Many kids—two out of three—said they get along pretty well or very well with their parents. About four out of five kids told us that they have fun with their parents. But that doesn't mean they never disagree. In fact， most kids reported arguing with their parents， at least sometimes.

"It's absolutely normal to disagree and argue，" says D'Arcy Lyness， a child psychologist. "But it's also important to learn how to do so respectfully." About half of the kids said they are doing that. When they disagree with their parents， they say they discuss issues calmly.

But two out of five kids said arguments tend to involve yelling at each other. Lyness points out that shouting never helps. "Speak up， and let your parents know your ideas and your opinions，" she advises. "But be patient. Don't use a raised， angry voice."

Kids made it clear that they would rather avoid conflict altogether. Not surprisingly， three out of four kids admitted to lying at times. Many said they lie to avoid getting in trouble or disappointing their parents. According to Lyness， lying isn't just wrong. It can actually get negative results. Telling the truth builds trust. "When parents can trust you， they are more likely to give you more freedom and more privileges4），" she says.

A Changing Relationship一種變化的關(guān)系

Telling the truth， says Lyness， is a sign of maturity5）. But older kids were more likely to say they lie than younger ones. Kids aged 12 to 14 not only said they lie more， but they also reported having less fun， feeling less close and not getting along as well with their parents.

According to Lyness， those feelings are not uncommon. As kids become more independent， they have more areas of conflict with their parents. But it doesn't have to be that way. "Kids and parents get along differently at each phase of the journey，" she says. As kids grow and change， it is important for everybody to adapt. "There's a dance of ways that youinteract6） and get along，" she points out. "Then there's a shift7）， and it's a different dance." Change is normal， shestresses8）.

萊內(nèi)斯說，實(shí)話實(shí)說是心智成熟的一種表現(xiàn)。但是年齡較大的孩子比年幼的孩子更有可能說出自己撒謊的事情。12～14歲的孩子不僅說自己撒謊次數(shù)多，還說感到樂趣更少，親密感更弱，與父母相處也不太融洽。

萊內(nèi)斯認(rèn)為，那些感覺并不少見。隨著孩子們變得愈加獨(dú)立，他們會(huì)在更多方面與父母產(chǎn)生沖突，但是事情并不一定非要變成那樣?！昂⒆雍透改冈谌松贸堂總€(gè)階段的相處方式都有所不同?！彼f。隨著孩子的成長和變化，每個(gè)人都要去適應(yīng)，這點(diǎn)很重要?！澳銈兓?dòng)和相處的方式要像跳舞一樣，”她指出，“舞曲換了，就要開始跳一種新的舞步?！弊兓苷?，她強(qiáng)調(diào)。

三分之二的孩子說他們和父母相處很融洽，或特別融洽。大約五分之四的孩子說他們和父母在一起很開心，但這并不意味著他們從來不會(huì)產(chǎn)生意見分歧。事實(shí)上，多數(shù)孩子都說曾和父母發(fā)生過爭執(zhí)，至少有時(shí)候會(huì)那樣。

“出現(xiàn)意見相左和爭執(zhí)的情況完全正常，”兒童心理學(xué)家達(dá)西·萊內(nèi)斯說，“但是學(xué)會(huì)如何在上述情況中保持尊重的態(tài)度也很重要?！奔s有半數(shù)孩子說他們就在這么做。當(dāng)他們與父母意見相左時(shí)，他們說自己會(huì)冷靜地討論相關(guān)問題。

但是有五分之二的孩子說爭執(zhí)的時(shí)候容易對(duì)彼此大喊大叫。萊內(nèi)斯指出，大喊大叫毫無益處?！耙f出來，讓你的父母了解你的想法和意見，”她建議道，“但是要有耐心，不要憤怒地大聲說話?！?/p>

孩子們明確表示他們寧愿干脆避免沖突。不出所料，有四分之三的孩子承認(rèn)偶爾會(huì)撒謊。許多孩子說他們?nèi)鲋e是為了避免麻煩或不讓父母失望。萊內(nèi)斯認(rèn)為，撒謊可不僅僅是做錯(cuò)了這么簡單，它實(shí)際上能帶來負(fù)面結(jié)果，而實(shí)話實(shí)說能夠建立信任?！爱?dāng)父母可以信任你的時(shí)候，他們會(huì)更愿意給你更多自由和權(quán)限?！彼f。

How to Stay Close如何保持親密關(guān)系

The experts at KidsHealth.org suggest taking these steps in order to feel closer to your parents and have fewer arguments.

1. Find ways to let parents in on9） your life. Tell them how things are going for you， even if it's just a small detail.

2. Have fun together. Find things you enjoy doing together. Be willing to make time for your parents.

3. Talk with kindness and respect. Even when you disagree， avoid yelling， angry or mean words， and disrespect.

4. Say "yes" more than "no". You probably want your parent to do that， too！ Parents are more likely to say yes when kids are cooperative.

5. Express your love and appreciation. Try a hug， a note， a kind act， or a simple thank-you.

為了讓你與父母更有親密感，并減少爭執(zhí)，兒童健康網(wǎng)的專家們建議你遵循如下步驟。

1. 想辦法讓父母走進(jìn)你的生活。告訴他們你的近況如何，即使它只是一個(gè)小細(xì)節(jié)。

2. 分享快樂。找到你們樂意一起去做的事情，并樂于騰出時(shí)間與父母相處。

3. 以和藹、尊敬的態(tài)度交談。即使你們意見不同，也不要大喊大叫、生氣惱火或口出不遜，還有不要失禮不敬。

4. 多說“好的”，少說“不行”。你很可能希望父母也這樣做！當(dāng)孩子配合的時(shí)候，父母會(huì)更有可能同意你的請(qǐng)求。

5. 表達(dá)你的愛意和感謝。嘗試一個(gè)擁抱、一張便箋、一個(gè)友好的動(dòng)作，或僅僅說句“謝謝你”。