聽我來講小故事

本期的關(guān)鍵詞是：unexplained，make up，officially，inspire，discourage。本期由來自江陰市山觀高級中學(xué)的兩位同學(xué)，為大家講述他們的小故事。

PassageA

Who Are Aliens？

Our world is full of unexplained things， which attract many young people to explore them.Tom and Amy were two of them who were interested in these mysteries. They hoped one day they could witness aliens. One day， they were having a picnic with their friends near a river suddenly Amy saw a strange object flying over.“Look！”she shouted. “That's a spaceship and it is going to land there.”

Frightened by the strange spaceship， most of their friends ran away quickly. But Tom and Amy were excited about it， which inspired them to look for aliens. To their surprise， the door of the spaceship opened but nobody came out， so they went into the spaceship quietly. Amy went inside，followed by Tom nervously， so they didn't notice the door close behind them. The temperature in the spaceship fell suddenly and the two young people fell down and fainted.

When they woke up， they were amazed to find that they were lying near the river where they had a picnic just now. Tom and Amy thought that the adventure was a dream， and they didn't saw any aliens， so they were discouraged by this experience. They went home sadly. However，when they walked about 50 metres， they couldn't walk any further. There were something in front of them stopped them from moving. They looked up， noticing that they were kept in a box which was made up of five glass. An alien looked like an expert were making a speech officially to many strange creatures， “ Now， please allow me to introduce two aliens from the earth.”

教師點評

這篇文章是一篇科幻小故事。雖然和外星人相關(guān)的主題比較常見，但是令人意想不到的結(jié)尾卻是小作者豐富想象力的體現(xiàn)。文章中故事敘述生動形象，文字表達十分流暢，正確使用了較多的在平時課本中的詞匯和短語。分詞做狀語結(jié)構(gòu)的恰當(dāng)使用更凸顯了語言的老練，如：“Frightened by the strange spaceship， most of their friends ran away quickly.”“Amy went inside， followed by Tom nervously”，文中定語從句的切入恰到好處，體現(xiàn)了小作者扎實的語言基本功，例如“Our world is full of unexplained things， which attract many young people to explore them.”“When they wake up， they are amazed to find that they were lying near the river where they had apicnic just now.”以上這些句型的使用，使文章結(jié)構(gòu)豐富多樣，有層次感。當(dāng)然，文章中有兩處錯誤是學(xué)生寫作中常犯的共同錯誤，那就是漢語思維的定勢，在“One day， they were having a picnic with their friends near a river suddenly Amy saw a strange object flying over.”中作者用一句話表達了兩個意思，看上去十分的流暢，但是句子中出現(xiàn)了兩個謂語動詞，在這里，我們可以用一個十分好的句型來表達作者的意思，那就是be doing...when...正在做……這日寸……，“One day， they were having a picnic with their friends near a river when suddenly Tom saw a strange object flying over.”，另一個句子“There were something in front of them stopped them from moving.”也出現(xiàn)了兩個謂語動詞，可改為“There were something in front of them which stopped them from moving.”。

點評教師：江陰市山觀高級中學(xué) 曹婷his punishment. But our officer shouted at us loudly， “In military camp， there is no individual， but a team. If one of you makes a mistake， all of you should pay for it； besides， you should help each other.” Later， we were forced to receive extra hard trainings. To my surprise， all of us in our team finished the task together better than expected. From then on， our team was always the No.1 when having competitions. Though the effects caused by punishment are still unexplained today，our officer said kept inspiring me to value the importance of teamwork. Meanwhile， I knew what was the real meaning of a soldier-well-determined， strict， cooperation， and devotion.

up to now， I still view it as a very hard time of my life in high school， but it is worthwhile. It teaches me how to be a part of a team and how to be a determined person， just like a real soldier.

江陰市山觀高級中學(xué) 魏良坤

教師點評

在這篇文章中，作者描述了對軍訓(xùn)一段難忘的經(jīng)歷。在回憶中，作者講述了自己由對“軍人”這個概念的不熟悉到真正理解它所包含的意義。故事采用了倒敘手法，按照事件發(fā)生的順序展開敘述，并在最后一段寫出了軍訓(xùn)對自己人生的啟示，對五個關(guān)鍵詞都能使用準確。本篇文章的亮點是在于對內(nèi)心的情感變化和心理活動的描寫上：“It was a hard time for me.I had to obey so many rules and couldn't do what l like， which discouraged me a lot. What a terrible life l had！”在本文中，作者也恰當(dāng)?shù)厥褂昧艘恍└呒壍膹木?，如：“l(fā) graduated from junior school in July 2015 when l met my first real challenge in my life， which means a lot to me now， even in future.”使文章在表達上不顯單調(diào)。此文的不足之處在于：1.對于事件的描述有點噦嗦，還應(yīng)該更加簡潔，并緊扣主題。2.中式英語反復(fù)出現(xiàn)，due to的用法錯誤如“l(fā) couldn't put up with our officer was due to he was so strict and cold-blooded.”可改為“I couldn't put up with our officer because he was strict and cold-blooded.”：“our officer said kept inspiring me to value the importance of teamwork.”可改為“what our officer said kept inspiring me to value the importance of teamwork.”

點評教師：江陰市山觀高級中學(xué) 曹婷