“優(yōu)能中學(xué)杯”征文大賽獲獎作文選登及點評（4）

于圣欣

本刊2015年7月在創(chuàng)刊十周年之際發(fā)起的主題為“我和英語有個故事”的全國中學(xué)生英語征文大賽現(xiàn)已圓滿落幕。本期我們繼續(xù)選登一篇獲獎作文及北京新東方學(xué)校優(yōu)能中學(xué)老師的相應(yīng)精彩點評，以饗大家。本次與大家分享的是此次征文大賽二等獎的一篇獲獎文章。

A Beautiful Story

Chance or fate or whatever you may like to call made me meet English in that summer. The story between us had started.

I'm a girl who enjoys natural sights. When I was young， I visited many famous landscapes. What impressed me most deeply was the West Lake. There was no wind and the clouds were still. The West Lake was as beautiful as a painting. I was free of mind and happy of heart.

When I walked slowly around the lake whose surface is like a mirror without a clear direction or purpose， I was immersed in the smell of flowers so I didn't pay attention to the way. I was wandering at the edge of the lake and I was not aware of it. Just then an American passerby shouted at me： "Look out！" I couldn't understand her words in time because I was so young. But when I stopped walking and turned my head， I nearly tumbled into the lake.

This is only the start of the story about me and English. As time went by， there was something new in the story.

When I was old enough， I came to know of a man who lived at 221B Baker Street. Now I guess you know who he is. Yes， he is Sherlock Holmes， the main character in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's books. I admire him for his resourcefulness and seriousness， and he has also sown a seed named bravery in my heart. Since discovering him， I have read his whole series of books. One thing different， my book is Conan Doyle's original work. Because I decided to find out more about this real detective， I started my travels in English literature with a dictionary.

Baker Street in London is where my dream began； I'm on the road with my friend—English. I will never give up.

Time goes by， and our story is continuing.

Call一詞后缺少賓語，另外，該句的中式思維比較明顯，建議將其改為：Chance or fate or whatever you may like to call it introduced me to English that summer.

本句是一個由what引導(dǎo)的主語從句，結(jié)構(gòu)簡單易懂。大家在平時寫作中也可以使用這個句型，如：What I like most is reading books. （我最喜歡的事情就是讀書。）

對于still一詞，我們較為熟知的可能是其作為副詞時的含義“仍然；還是”，其實，它還可以作為形容詞，表示“靜止的；不動的”，這句話中的still表示的就是這個含義。

And前后使用了兩個并列結(jié)構(gòu)free of mind和happy of heart，用法簡單明了，表現(xiàn)出西湖的景色令作者心曠神怡。

作者想要表達的是自己因沉醉于花香之中而沒有“注意路”，“pay attention to the way”的表達是典型的中式英語，可將其改為pay attention to where I was walking。

由于and所連接的兩個并列結(jié)構(gòu)的主語和謂語相同，所以and之后的I was可以省略。

作者想要表達的意思是自己當(dāng)時沒有及時領(lǐng)會到那位美國人的善意提醒，若將I couldn't understand her words改寫為I did not make sense of what she meant則會更為出彩。另外，作者對此給出的理由是自己當(dāng)時年齡太小了，這不免有些牽強，建議將原因修改為because I knew nothing about this new language，即因為作者當(dāng)時對英語一無所知。

按照英語的表達習(xí)慣，應(yīng)將me and English改為English and me。

Go by可以表示“（時間）過去；逝去”，用在這里非常貼切。不過，逗號之后的部分表達得不太地道，可將其改為something new came to the story。

作者在這里沒有使用常見的many或a lot of等詞來表示“許多”之意，而是選用了series來表示“一系列”。大家也可以向小作者學(xué)習(xí)，在寫作時靈活多變地選用詞匯。

當(dāng)work表示“作品；著作”時應(yīng)用復(fù)數(shù)，所以應(yīng)將work改為works。另外，這句話的中式思維較為明顯，所以建議將其改為：One thing is different about these books. I read Conan Doyle's books in their original form.

本文講述了作者是如何與英語結(jié)緣，并通過閱讀柯南·道爾的原著來了解福爾摩斯的。開頭將英語擬人化，用meet一詞來描述自己與英語的相識，引人入勝。

文章的中間部分詳細介紹了自己與英語相識的原因。在描述具體事件時，作者所用的語言貼近生活、簡單明了，語氣輕松愉快，且畫面感很強。在引入自己的偶像福爾摩斯時，一句“I came to know of a man who lived at 221B Baker Street. Now I guess you know who he is”拉近了作者與我們之間的距離，讓人讀來覺得輕松愉快。大家也可以在隨筆或日記中借鑒這種寫作手法，不過在應(yīng)試類的作文中還是要盡量選用相對正式一點的表達哦。

文章最后以并列句結(jié)尾，言簡意賅，令人飽含期待；言已盡，意猶未了。整篇文章雖用詞不奢華，情感卻無比真摯。

教師簡介：

李亞男，北京新東方學(xué)校優(yōu)能中學(xué)部教師，畢業(yè)于首都師范大學(xué)英語語言文學(xué)系和心理系；常年教授中考英語，熟諳考試規(guī)律，了解考試動態(tài)，能夠針對不同的學(xué)生進行授課，從而培養(yǎng)學(xué)生對英語的學(xué)習(xí)興趣，提高學(xué)生的英語能力和應(yīng)試能力。