借口，借口

I was in my third year of teaching creative writing at Ralph McKee Vocational School in Staten Island， New York， when one of my students， 16-year-old Mikey， gave me a note from his mother. It explained his absence from class the day before：

“Dear Mr. McCort， Mikey’s grandmother who is eighty years of age fell down the stairs from too much coffee and I kept Mikey at home to take care of her and his baby sister so I could go to my job at the ferry 1）terminal. Please excuse Mikey and he’ll do his best in the future. P.S. His grandmother is ok.”

I had seen Mikey writing the note at his desk， using his left hand to disguise his handwriting. I said nothing. Most parentalexcuse notes I received back in those days were penned by my students. They’d been forging excuse notes since they learned to write， and if I were to confront each forger I’d be busy 24 hours a day.

I threw Mikey’s note into a desk drawer along with dozens of other notes. While my classes took a test， I decided to read all the notes I’d only glanced at before. I made two piles， one for the genuine ones written by mothers， the other for forgeries. The second was the larger pile， with writing that ranged from imaginative to 2）lunatic.

I was having an 3）epiphany.

Isn’t it remarkable， I thought， how the students whined and said it was hard putting 200 words together on any subject？ But when they forged excuse notes， they were brilliant. The notes I had could be turned into an 4）anthology of Great American Excuses. They were samples of talent never mentioned in song， story or study.

How could I have ignored this treasure trove， these gems of fiction and fantasy？ Here was American high school writing at its best—raw， real， urgent， 5）lucid， brief， and lying. I read：

？ The stove caught fire and the wallpaper went up and the fire department kept us out of the house all night.

？ Arnold was getting off the train and the door closed on his school bag and the train took it away. He yelled to the conductor who said very 6）vulgar things as the train drove away.

？ His sister’s dog ate his homework and I hope it chokes him.

？ We were 7）evicted from our apartment and the mean sheriff said if my son kept yelling for his notebook he’d have us all arrested.

The writers of these notes didn’t realize that honest excuse notes were usually dull：“Peter was late because the alarm clock didn’t go off.”

One day I typed out a dozen excuse notes and distributed them to my senior classes. The students read them silently， intently. “Mr. McCourt， who wrote these？”asked one boy.

“You did，” I said. “I omitted names to protect the guilty. They’re supposed to be written by parents， but you and I know the real authors. Yes， Mikey？”

“So what are we supposed to do？”

“This is the first class to study the art of the excuse note—the first class， ever， to practice writing them. You’re so lucky to have a teacher like me who has taken your best writing and turned it into a subject worthy of study.”

Everyone smiled as I went on， “You didn’t settle for the old alarm clock story. You used your imaginations. One day you might be writing excuses for your own children when they’re late or absent or up to some devilment. So try it now. Imagine you have a 15-year-old who needs an excuse for falling behind in English.8）Let it rip.”

The students produced a 9）rhapsody of excuses， ranging from a 16-wheeler crashing into a house to a severe case of food poisoning blamed on the school cafeteria. They said， “More， more. Can we do more？”

So I said， “I’d like you to write—” And I finished， “‘An Excuse Note from Adam to God’or ‘An Excuse Note from Eve to God.’” Heads went down. Pens raced across paper.

Before long， the bell rang. For the first time ever， I saw students so immersed in their writing they had to be urged to go to lunch by their friends： “Yo， Lenny. Come on. Finish it later.”

Next day everyone had excuse notes， not only from Adam and Eve but from God and 10）Lucifer. One girl defended the seduction of Adam on the grounds that Eve was tired of lying around Paradise doing nothing， day in and day out. She was also tired of God sticking his nose into their business.

Heated discussions followed about the relative guilt and sinfulness of Adam and Eve. No one said anything negative about God， though there were hints. He could have been more understanding of the plight of the first man and woman， said someone.

I asked the class to think about anyone in history who could use a good excuse note. I wrote suggestions on the board： Eva Braun， Hitler’s girlfriend. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg， executed for treason. Judas. Attila the Hun. 11）Lee Harvey Oswald. 12）Al Capone.

“Yo， Mr. McCourt， could you put teachers up there？” said a student.

And then I heard， “Mr. McCourt， the principal is at the door.”

My heart sank as the principal entered， along with the 13）superintendent of schools. Neither acknowledged me. They walked up and down， peering at papers. The superintendent picked one up， showed it to the principal.

The superintendent frowned. The principal pursed his lips. On their way out， the principal said the superintendent would like to see me.

Here it comes， I thought. The reckoning. The principal was sitting at his desk； the superintendent was standing. “Come in，” said the superintendent.“I just want to tell you that that lesson， that project， whatever the hell you were doing， was 14）topnotch. Those kids were writing on the college level.”

He turned to the principal and said， “That kid writing an excuse note for Judas. Brilliant. I just want to shake your hand，” he said， turning back to me. “There might be a letter in your file attesting to your energetic and imaginative teaching. Thank you.”

God in heaven. High praise from an important person. Should I dance down the hallway， or lift and fly？ Next day in class， I just started singing.

The kids laughed. They said， “Man， school should be like this every day， us writing excuse notes and teachers singing all of a sudden.” Sooner or later， I figured， everyone needed an excuse. Also， if we sang today we could sing tomorrow， and why not？ You don’t need an excuse for singing.

那是我在紐約史坦頓島的拉爾夫·麥基職業(yè)學(xué)校教授創(chuàng)意寫作的第三年。當(dāng)時(shí)，我的一個(gè)學(xué)生——16歲的米奇，交給我一張他母親寫的假條，上面解釋了他在之前一天曠課的原因：

“尊敬的麥考特先生，米奇那80歲高齡的祖母因?yàn)楹攘颂嗫Х葟臉翘萆纤ち讼聛恚易屆灼娲诩依镎疹櫵约八暧椎拿妹?，這樣我才能去輪渡碼頭上班。請?jiān)徝灼妫院笏麜M力保證出勤的。又及：他祖母并無大礙?！?/p>

我看見米奇趴在自己的課桌上寫這張假條，為了掩飾筆跡，他是用左手來寫的。我一聲不吭。在那個(gè)時(shí)候，我收到的大部分家長假條都是學(xué)生們自己寫的。自學(xué)會了寫字以來，他們就一直編著理由寫假條，要是我找每位造假者對質(zhì)，那我一天24小時(shí)都忙不過來。

我把米奇的假條扔進(jìn)了抽屜，和其他數(shù)十張假條放在一起。在我?guī)У陌嗉壙荚嚂r(shí)，我決定把之前匆匆瞄過的所有假條拿出來讀一讀。我把它們分成了兩堆，一堆是母親們寫的情況屬實(shí)的假條，另一堆是造假者寫的假條。第二堆比較多，寫作風(fēng)格多種多樣，從虛幻到荒誕。

我突然覺得靈光一閃。

這不是很了不起嗎？我想，無論什么主題，學(xué)生們都抱怨說難以湊足200字的作文，可當(dāng)他們編造借口寫假條時(shí)，可真是太有才了。我手里的假條都可以編成一本《美國精彩借口》文選了。這些都是在歌曲、故事或者論文中從未提及過的天賦范例。

我怎么會忽略了這個(gè)寶藏，這些虛構(gòu)和幻想的瑰寶呢？這是美國中學(xué)寫作的最高境界——原始、真實(shí)、急切、清晰、簡明、謊話連篇。我讀道：

·爐子起火了，壁紙燒著了，消防隊(duì)整夜不讓我們回家。

·阿諾德正在下火車，車門卻把他的書包夾住，火車帶著書包開走了。他沖著列車長大喊，火車開走了，那人還罵罵咧咧說著極其粗俗的話。

·他妹妹的狗把他的家庭作業(yè)吃掉了，我希望把它噎著。

·我們被趕出了公寓，那個(gè)刻薄的司法官說要是我兒子繼續(xù)為他的筆記本大吼大叫，他就將我們?nèi)孔テ饋怼?/p>

這些假條的作者沒想到誠實(shí)的假條通常很沉悶：“彼得遲到是因?yàn)轸[鐘沒響?！?/p>

有一天，我將十幾個(gè)假條打印出來，然后發(fā)給高年級學(xué)生。學(xué)生們一言不發(fā)，專心致志地讀了起來?！胞溈继叵壬?，這些都是誰寫的？”有位男生問道。

“你們寫的，”我說。“我把名字去掉了，免得你們內(nèi)疚。這些本來應(yīng)該由家長寫的，不過你我都知道真正的作者是誰。對不對，米奇？”

“那么，我們應(yīng)該要干什么呢？”

“這是研究借口假條藝術(shù)的第一課——史上第一課，練習(xí)寫借口假條。你們很幸運(yùn)，有我這樣的老師將你們最好的作品當(dāng)做課題來研究。”

我繼續(xù)說話，這時(shí)大家都笑了。“你們沒有滿足于用鬧鐘沒響這樣的老掉牙借口來說事。你們運(yùn)用了自己的想象力。有一天，你們或許會因自己孩子遲到、曠課或者調(diào)皮搗蛋而替他們寫假條。所以現(xiàn)在就來試試。假設(shè)你有個(gè)15歲的孩子要找借口解釋為什么英語課沒跟上。動(dòng)手寫吧。”

學(xué)生們創(chuàng)作了一支借口狂想曲，內(nèi)容從一輛16輪大貨車撞進(jìn)了一所房子，到由于學(xué)校餐廳導(dǎo)致嚴(yán)重食物中毒都有。他們說：“再多點(diǎn)，再多點(diǎn)。我們能不能再寫多點(diǎn)？”

于是我說：“我想讓你們寫——”接著把話說完，“‘亞當(dāng)給上帝的假條’或者‘夏娃給上帝的假條。’”大家的腦袋低了下去，開始奮筆疾書。

沒過多久，下課鈴響了。第一次，我發(fā)現(xiàn)學(xué)生們寫得如此投入，得要同伴催著去吃午飯：“唷，蘭尼。得了。回來再寫啦?！?/p>

第二天，每個(gè)人都有假條，不僅有來自亞當(dāng)和夏娃的，也有來自上帝和撒旦路西法的。有個(gè)女生為夏娃誘惑亞當(dāng)辯解，說是因?yàn)橄耐迏捑肓嗽谔焯美餆o所事事，日日如是。她也厭倦了上帝多管閑事。

接下來大家就亞當(dāng)和夏娃的相關(guān)罪行和罪性展開了激烈討論。沒有人說上帝的不是，雖然有些許暗示。有人說，祂本應(yīng)該多多諒解第一個(gè)男人和女人的處境。

我讓學(xué)生思考一下歷史上可以找充分借口的人。我在黑板上寫下一些作為提示：希特勒的女友伊娃·布勞恩。因叛國罪而處死的朱利葉斯和埃塞爾·羅森堡夫婦。猶大。匈奴王阿提拉。李·哈維·奧斯瓦爾德。艾爾·卡彭。

“唷，麥考特先生，您能把老師們也放上去嗎？”有位學(xué)生說。

然后，我聽到有人說，“麥考特先生，校長在門口?！?/p>

校長走了進(jìn)來，我心一沉，同行的還有督學(xué)。兩人都沒理我。他們來回走動(dòng)，盯著學(xué)生們的文章。督學(xué)拿起一張，遞給校長看。

督學(xué)皺起眉頭。校長緊閉雙唇。在他們出去的時(shí)候，校長說督學(xué)想見我。

算帳的來了，我想。校長坐在自己桌子旁；督學(xué)站著。“進(jìn)來，”督學(xué)說道?！拔揖褪窍敫嬖V你，這節(jié)課，這個(gè)活動(dòng)，不管你到底在搗騰什么，精彩極了。那些孩子的寫作水平已經(jīng)達(dá)到了大學(xué)級別了?！?/p>

他轉(zhuǎn)身對校長說：“為猶大寫借口假條的那個(gè)孩子，太有才了。我就是想和你握手，”他說著，轉(zhuǎn)向我?！翱赡芪視懛庑攀者M(jìn)你的檔案，以證明你的教學(xué)生動(dòng)而且充滿想象力。謝謝你?！?/p>

我的神啊。大人物的高度評價(jià)。我是不是應(yīng)該在大廳跳個(gè)舞，或者飄飄然一番？不過第二天上課時(shí)，我只是開始唱歌而已。

孩子們笑了。他們說：“老大，學(xué)校每天都應(yīng)該像這樣，我們寫借口假條，老師們突然間唱起歌來?！蔽蚁耄總€(gè)人遲早都需要借口。還有，如果我們今天唱歌，那么我們明天也可以唱，為什么不呢？唱歌又不需要借口。