美麗心靈

For several years， Katie Miller， a 27-year-old artist based in Parkton， Maryland， 30 miles north of Baltimore， found inspiration in newborns. She nudged her friends， family， and neighbors to allow her to photograph their tiny babies so she could paint 1）painstakingly detailed portraits of them.

凱蒂·米勒是一名27歲的畫家，家住離美國港口城市巴爾的摩以北30英里（約48.3公里）的馬里蘭州帕克頓鎮(zhèn)。好幾年來，凱蒂一直從新生嬰兒身上汲取創(chuàng)作的靈感。無論是朋友、親戚，還是鄰居，凱蒂都會“纏著”他們，希望能為其小寶寶拍照，以便對照著細致地繪畫出他們的畫像。

在奧斯卡最佳影片《美麗心靈》中，主人公是患有精神分裂癥的數(shù)學天才，對數(shù)學的執(zhí)念與愈發(fā)嚴重的病癥令其痛苦不已。幸運的是，主人公的妻子在得知丈夫的病情后沒有逃避，而是給予他極致的關(guān)懷與支持。最終，主人公戰(zhàn)勝頑疾并獲得諾貝爾經(jīng)濟學獎。在現(xiàn)實生活中，擁有過人天賦卻伴有精神障礙的“美麗心靈”還有很多，自閉癥患者就是其中之一。但是，自閉癥患者能否像電影中的主人公那么幸運？他們的現(xiàn)實生活又會是怎樣的呢？凱蒂·米勒，一位患上自閉癥的少女，跟我們分享了她的經(jīng)歷。

That 2）unwavering intensity isn’t just the mark of a 3）die-hard artist. Eight years ago， Miller was diagnosed with autism， the neurological and developmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to socialize and communicate with others. Her marathon painting sessions are just the kind of repetitive behavior typical among many with highfunctioning autism， often classified as Asperger’s syndrome. But what’s most striking about Miller’s autism is that it was even identified at all. Roughly 80 percent of the estimated 1.5 million Americans living with autism are men； because the disorder is so commonly associated with boys， women are 4）notoriously underdiagnosed.

From all outward appearances， Miller looks like a typical 20-something， though it’s not until you step inside her parents’ home， where she lives in a room decorated with bright-blue carpets， an acid-green chair， and a grape-purple couch， that it becomes clear that she harbors an uncommon affinity for eye-popping color. Miller’s astounding draftsmanship， her ability to paint with an almost photographic quality， may be related to her autism. Some experts speculate it may have something to do with the obsessive repetitive behaviors that children with autism develop， as they tend to “practice” their craft more intensely and with greater focus than other children.

Her autism also makes her acutely sensitive to overstimulation， which triggers a reaction called “5）stimming”—rocking back and forth or humming， for example. A loud jukebox， a crowded restaurant， even the pungent odor from a grill， can trigger a meltdown of anxiety， tears， and even vomiting. She braces for the worst-case scenario by lugging around a large pair of 6）Day-Glo headphones—the same bulky， noise-canceling model used by construction workers. Putting them on instantly transports her out of the 7）maddening noise to a place of peace and quiet. Even prolonged eye contact can make Miller uncomfortable. During conversations， she reflexively reaches for a soft， plastic dinosaur in her bag， one of several “stim toys” she keeps in her purse， and squeezes it until she can focus.

This made college—and now the artgallery scene she inhabits—a complicated social labyrinth for her to navigate. Like when a friend walks by and flashes a smile， Miller confesses that she doesn’t always know how to read this generic gesture of goodwill. “I don’t get the difference between a nice expression and a not-nice expression，” she sighs. And despite her all-American good looks，Miller remains single， unable to decode the flirtatious looks and body language that are the 8）preamble to a hookup.

Nonetheless， Miller does maintain a robust social life， having joined the 9）burgeoning network of autism activists. She is an outspoken proponent of the“neurodiversity” movement， which maintains that autism isn’t a disease to be cured but a different way of seeing the world， an alternative form of intelligence. To some， autism is an undesirable glitch in the complicated wiring of the brain； the neurodiversity crowd speculates that， in fact， some of history’s most successful and creative people had autism. （Bill Gates and Albert Einstein are often name-checked， though neither has ever been confirmed to have had it.） As such， the condition should be nurtured， not isolated and treated.

“I don’t have autism—I’m autistic. In the same way you wouldn’t say you have femaleness， you’d say you are a woman，” Miller explains， as she tidies up her parents’ two-car garage， which she converted into a studio. In recent years， she’s moved on from newborns. Her work now features oversized toddlers who look， oddly， at once mature， even strangely 10）alluring， yet young and defenseless. Examining one of her paintings， head tilted to the side， she explains， “I suppose you could say I relate to them a lot.”

然而，這股不可動搖的熱情卻不僅僅源于對藝術(shù)的極度執(zhí)著。八年前，米勒被診斷出患有自閉癥。這是一種由神經(jīng)及發(fā)育障礙造成的社交困難癥。她不間斷的繪畫過程其實是一種重復性行為，亦是高功能自閉癥患者的典型癥狀，這種癥狀被歸類為“阿斯伯格綜合癥”。但最讓人驚訝的是，米勒的自閉癥竟然還能被診斷出來。在美國的150萬自閉癥患者中，大約有百分之八十是男性。因為自閉癥在男性群體中更為常見，所以女性患者很少能被診斷出來，這是出了名的事。

從外表上看，米勒和普通二十多歲的年輕人別無他樣。但當你踏進米勒父母的家，親眼看到米勒房間里亮藍色的地毯，鮮綠色的椅子和嫩紫色的沙發(fā)，你可能就不會這樣想了。相反地，你會看出米勒對于搶眼的顏色有著不同尋常的喜愛。米勒不可思議的繪圖技藝和逼真程度堪比照片的繪畫能力，或許都與她的自閉癥有關(guān)。有些科學家推測自閉癥兒童的天賦可能與他們的強迫性重復行為有關(guān)。畢竟比起其他兒童，他們練習技藝的次數(shù)更多，注意力也更集中。

米勒的自閉癥也使得她對于過度刺激極度敏感，而這種刺激會觸發(fā)一種叫“自我刺激行為”的身體反應——例如前后搖晃或是發(fā)出嗡嗡聲。音量過高的自動點唱機、人群擁擠的餐廳，甚至是烤肉架的刺鼻氣味都會使她的焦慮瞬間爆發(fā)，并無法抑制地流淚甚至嘔吐。面對最糟糕的情況，米勒已經(jīng)想好了應對方法——戴上一副大大的熒光色耳機。這種建筑工人才會佩戴的笨重耳機能很好地隔絕噪音，一戴上米勒就能從令人發(fā)狂的噪音中解放出來，進入到另一個平靜安寧的世界。即使是持續(xù)時間過長的眼神交流也讓米勒無所適從。在整個談話過程中，她條件反射地揉捏包里的一個恐龍毛絨玩具，這是她放在包里的其中一只“鎮(zhèn)靜玩具”。 米勒會一直捏著玩具，直到自己能集中注意力才松手。

對于米勒來說，這一點使得大學校園——現(xiàn)在是畫廊美術(shù)館這樣的地方——成為復雜的社交迷宮。米勒承認，當她的朋友走過并沖她微微一笑時，她并不能完全讀懂這種友善的示意。米勒嘆氣道：“我無法分辨一個友善的表情和一個惡意的表情。”盡管擁有令美國人欽慕的美貌，米勒現(xiàn)在仍是單身。她無法理解男生們在追求她之前所做的各種暗示性表情和動作。

盡管如此，米勒仍然維持著健康向上的社交生活，并加入了不斷壯大的自閉癥患者組織，成為其中的一名活躍分子。米勒直言支持“神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)多樣化”運動，此運動強調(diào)自閉癥并非一種需要治療的病癥，而是看待世界的另一種方式，是另一種智慧。對于一些人來說，自閉癥只不過是復雜的大腦線路在運行中出現(xiàn)的一個小故障。根據(jù)神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)多樣化支持者的推測，一些歷史上被認為最成功、最富創(chuàng)造力的人其實都患有自閉癥。（比爾·蓋茨和阿爾伯特·愛因斯坦多次被傳出患有自閉癥，但兩人都沒有對此作出澄清。）因此，面對自閉癥患者，我們不應孤立他們，或是把他們當做病人去治療，而是要給予他們呵護。

“我并沒有患上自閉癥，我只是比較孤僻的人。同樣地，你不會說自己擁有‘女性特征’，你會說自己是個女人?！泵桌找贿呄蛭医忉?，一邊在收拾她的工作室。這個工作室的前身是她父母的車庫，空間足以停放兩輛汽車。近幾年來，米勒已經(jīng)不再癡迷于給嬰兒繪畫。她現(xiàn)在的作品主人公多為體型特大的學步小童。很奇怪地，這些小孩乍一看很成熟，甚至可以說異常吸引人，然而他們又是如此稚嫩和不堪一擊。當米勒側(cè)頭細細審視自已的一幅畫作時，她這樣說道：“我想我的確跟他們很像?！?/p>