第一任丈夫

安東尼婭·納爾遜（Antonya Nelson），美國著名作家，生于1961年，主要?jiǎng)?chuàng)作小說及短篇故事，代表作有《Talking in Bed》（1996）、《Nobody’s Girl》（1998）及《Living to Tell》（2000）三部小說，另外還著有五部短篇故事集。曾榮獲《芝加哥論壇報(bào)》的Heartland Award、歐康納文學(xué)獎(jiǎng)、歐·亨利小說獎(jiǎng)以及美國最佳短篇小說獎(jiǎng)等獎(jiǎng)項(xiàng)。

從本期推薦的短篇故事《第一任丈夫》的節(jié)選中，我們可以領(lǐng)略到納爾遜強(qiáng)烈的個(gè)人風(fēng)格：她不愛直面現(xiàn)實(shí)，她所書寫的一切都不涉及歷史或者政治，外界評價(jià)她為“無趣”的女匠人，但她擅長雕琢人物自身最微妙細(xì)小的感受，以此來反應(yīng)美國家庭生活的失序。

這則短篇故事講述了一個(gè)因女主人公拉維前夫的小女兒伯納黛特在一個(gè)深夜拖家?guī)Э趤碓煸L而發(fā)生的故事。拉維在照顧伯納黛特的孩子們（也就是她的孫輩們）時(shí)，回想起自己與前夫（即拉維的第一任丈夫）的點(diǎn)點(diǎn)滴滴。曾經(jīng)有學(xué)者說過：“人真正由心底深處發(fā)出感情來戀愛的經(jīng)歷只有一次，那便是初戀。”不錯(cuò)，單一個(gè)“初”字便占盡了世間多半的美好，所有關(guān)于第一次的美好記憶都被我們深深地藏在心底，那是令人最難以舍棄的“甜”。如今的拉維早已再婚，但最終卻發(fā)現(xiàn)自己對前夫的那股愛意依舊深深地存在著……

“Lovey，” her husband said gently， which was his way. “It’s for you.” The velvet blackness of 2 a.m.， of nearly death-deep sleep： the ringing telephone had been a fire alarm in her dream； 1）reluctantly， she’d exited an unfamiliar building but not awakened， hovering in some liminal space. The building was filled with naked bodies， and she wished to return to them and their 2）naughty party. “Lovey，” her husband said again， and she was 3）livid with him， with his dull insistence， forcing her to attend to him when what she wanted to do was run back inside the burning building. “Lovey，” he said a third time， and then the light snapped on.

On the phone was Bernadette， her former stepdaughter. Her ex-husband’s youngest and most difficult girl， who was busy apologizing， as usual.

“I’m so sorry， but he’s been drinking，”Bernadette was saying of her 4）delinquent husband. “I need to find him before something happens. I mean， he can’t afford to get arrested again.”

“I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“Actually？ I’m sorry， but could I bring the kids to you？ If he comes home， I don’t want them to see him. You know， it’s just so hard to have a conversation with kids around. Or a fight， for that matter， which is probably what’s going to happen. God， I’m really so sorry， Lovey...”

“Bring them， please， it’s fine—you should never worry about that.” Sleep and dreams had fallen away， along with， she suddenly realized， her first husband， whose hand she’d been holding in the burning building. Had he been 5）nude， too？ That wouldn’t have been like him， naked in public.

“I’m already in the car with them，”Bernadette said. “I was thinking I could start on Central Station and just see if he’s parked on some barstool or other. Please don’t tell Dad， O.K.？ I mean， he already thinks I’m a total fuckup and he hates Aaron enough. Plus， he’ll tell my sisters.”And then she was crying. Poor Bernadette. Had the girl ever not been miserable？ Even as a child， she had cultivated hurtful friendships， had forever been suffering 6）slights or neglect or 7）flat-out cruelty， this girl like a loyal beaten dog.

“Honey， I would never tell your dad. We’re not exactly on speaking terms. Bring the kids. I’m up. Don’t worry.”

“Actually？” Bernadette said. “I’m in your driveway. God， Lovey， I’m really， really sorry！”

The seven-year-old carried the 8）diaper bag and a 9）backpack， tilted sideways under the load， while his mother brought in the two car seats holding his sleeping sisters. “God， it smells like snow out there！ How often does that happen at this time of year？ I pumped，”Bernadette explained in a whisper. “Give Lovey the breast milk，” she told Caleb. The boy produced a pair of tepid yellowish 10）Baggies. There was always something a little 11）unsavory about dealing with breast milk. Maybe if Lovey had had her own babies she wouldn’t have felt this way.

The girls were left in their car seats on the living-room rug， which seemed wrong， somehow， people lashed into chairs， especially the three-year-old， whose big head looked unnaturally perpendicular in a way that would lead to a terrible neck ache. On the other hand， the girls were sure to scream if wakened.

Bernadette was 12）squinting at her cell phone， lips moving as she read something there.“Shit， he’s with Lance—that can’t end well. So I think she’ll be good till maybe， like， four？ And Caleb—I don’t think he’ll sleep， but he could watch 13）Looney Tunes， maybe？ With no sound？ Will you watch Looney Tunes on mute so Lovey can go back to bed， Caleb？”

“Don’t worry about us，” Lovey said. “We’ll play 14）Monopoly.” Lovey was the only person who would indulge Caleb’s fondness for Monopoly. The boy had been her first grandchild， born the year she divorced his grandfather， when she was a mere thirty-seven—far too young to be called Grandma！ In public she was often mistaken for his mother， and it was for Caleb that she’d come up with an acceptable nickname， Lovey， to take the place of Evelyn. He was a serious boy， a boy who hadn’t spoken until he could do so in complete sentences， who’d said， quite frankly， after the birth of each of his sisters， that he did not like them. “How’s your new sister？” somebody would ask.“Terrible，” he’d reply. His feelings were so 15）readily hurt. He was like his mother that way， a child too tender， who bruised. Nor did he laugh easily.

“Please don’t think I’m a fuckup，” Bernadette pleaded as she whirled her way toward the door. “And tell William I’m sorry I woke him. Be good， Caleb. I love you.”

Caleb was already laying out the game board， counting money， and stacking up the Chance cards. He looked like his grandfather， Lovey’s first husband—the same thick copper-colored hair， the large brown eyes and plush lips. Her first husband had been fortyfive， at the tail end of his fruitful handsomeness， when she married him but still moving through the world with confidence， he was a serial seducer. Lovey had been his third wife； perhaps she could have predicted that she would not succeed where two others had failed， but that was the nature of love， and of youth，and the combination， youthful love—they made you arrogant， or stubborn， 16）impervious to the lessons of others.

If you paid attention to all the lessons of others， you might never do anything.

Caleb handed Lovey the 17）dog. He was always the 18）hat. “I want to be the banker，” he said.

“Fine，” she said， though this would make it more difficult for her to guarantee that he won. But that was the challenge in raising children， wasn’t it？ Insuring that your ability to deceive kept pace with their ability to see through you. At what point were you able to come completely clean？ Could you ever， for example， reveal to children that parents did not， actually， love their offspring equally？

Her ex-husband had preferred his eldest， the prettiest， the strongest. And Lovey？ She’d always been 19）partial to needy Bernadette. Bernadette’s sisters had found their stepmother lacking. She was so young. For a while， it had been fun to play the 20）hip young mother， the one who shared clothing with them， who liked their music， the four of them ganging up on her husband， their father， who was old， so old！ So old-fashioned！ So out of date！ So shockable！

But he wasn’t， not really， and at some point his indulgence began to 21）falter， his paternal tolerance turned tense， at least as it regarded Lovey， because eventually she was no longer his pretty young wife； she was， instead， too familiar， too known and knowing， too something he could not even put his finger on. Did she， he asked earnestly， want him to fake what he could not naturally feel？ Was that the kind of love she wanted？

Yes， she confessed， though only to herself. Yes， that was what she would take， if it was all he could offer.

“You told me to be honest，” he said. “This is me being honest.”

The first stage of the game was always the best—all that acquisition and possibility， the tidy array of money， the fairness. Caleb 22）knelt in his chair， poised over the colorful board like a 23）gargoyle， rolling for Lovey when she went to check on his sisters， moving her Scottie dog forward， providing her with two hundred dollars whenever Go came around. In order not to land on Boardwalk first， Lovey allowed one of the dice to fall to the floor， claiming a number that put her on Luxury Tax， whatever that was， instead. At last， Caleb acquired his beloved cobalt-blue plot. Later， once it was expensively developed， Lovey would land there an 24）inordinate number of times so that he could 25）fleece her.

Why was it so satisfying to see him win？

“拉維，”她的丈夫以其慣有的方式輕聲說道，“找你的。”凌晨兩點(diǎn)鐘，天鵝絨般綿密的黑暗，她睡得死沉沉的：電話鈴聲在她的夢里變成了火警警報(bào)；夢中的她不情愿地走出一棟陌生的大樓，但還是沒有清醒過來，飄蕩在某個(gè)閾限的空間。大樓里全都是光著身子的人，她還想回到他們身邊，參加他們的放蕩派對?！袄S?！彼恼煞蛴纸辛怂宦暎ξ兜膱?zhí)著令她非常生氣，她想做的是跑回那棟著火的大樓卻又被迫要給他回應(yīng)?！袄S?！彼辛说谌?，然后“啪”的一聲，燈亮了。

電話是伯納黛特打來的，她以前的繼女。她前夫那最小也是最麻煩的女兒，伯納黛特在電話里忙不迭地道著歉，一如既往。

“我很抱歉，可他出去喝酒了，”伯納黛特說的是她那個(gè)不稱職的丈夫，“我得在出事之前找到他。我是說，他可經(jīng)不住再被抓起來了?！?/p>

“等我二十分鐘，我跟你去?！?/p>

“真的嗎？對不起，不過我能帶孩子們?nèi)ツ隳莾簡幔恳撬亓思?，我不想讓孩子見到他。你知道，有孩子在，就很難跟他談?；蛟S還會吵起來，說到這個(gè)，還真有可能會吵起來。天吶，我真是太抱歉了，拉維……”

“請把帶他們過來吧，沒事的——你用不著為這個(gè)擔(dān)心?！崩б夂蛪艟辰员M散褪，同時(shí)拉維猛地意識到，在那棟燃燒的大樓里，她握著的是其第一任丈夫（其前夫）的手。他也光著身子嗎？在大庭廣眾下赤身裸體，那不像是他會干的事情。

“我和他們已經(jīng)在車上了，”伯納黛特說，“我在想可以從中央車站開始找，看看他是不是癱在哪張吧椅上或是別的什么地方。請別告訴爸爸，好嗎？我是說，他已經(jīng)覺得我是個(gè)徹頭徹尾的麻煩了，而且他已經(jīng)夠討厭亞倫（伯納黛特的丈夫）的了。還有，他還會跟我的姐姐們說。”說完她就大哭起來?？蓱z的伯納黛特。這姑娘還有什么時(shí)候是不悲慘的嗎？甚至打小時(shí)候起，她就交友不慎屢屢受傷，永遠(yuǎn)承受著怠慢，或是忽視，又或是不加掩飾的殘酷，這姑娘就像是條總挨打的忠犬。

“寶貝，我絕對不會告訴你爸爸的。我們壓根兒都不聯(lián)系。帶孩子們過來吧。我準(zhǔn)備好了。別擔(dān)心?！?/p>

“真的嗎？”伯納黛特說道，“我在你家車道上了。天吶，拉維，我實(shí)在是非常抱歉！”

七歲的男孩拿著尿片包，還背著一個(gè)背包，被重負(fù)壓得歪歪倒倒，此時(shí)，他的媽媽把兩個(gè)汽車座椅搬進(jìn)了屋里，座椅里睡著他的兩個(gè)妹妹?！疤靺?，聞起來像是下雪了！這時(shí)節(jié)不常下雪吧？我用了吸奶器，”伯納黛特輕聲解釋道?！鞍涯溉槟媒o拉維?！彼龑ㄈR布說道。男孩拿出兩個(gè)溫溫的黃色保鮮袋。處理母乳這種東西總是有那么點(diǎn)讓人討厭。如果拉維有自己的小孩，也許就不會這么覺得了。

汽車座椅放在客廳的地毯上，女孩們還睡在上面，好生生的一個(gè)人給綁在椅子里，這樣似乎不大妥當(dāng)，尤其當(dāng)那是個(gè)三歲大的小姑娘，她大大的腦袋看起來不自然地垂著，那樣會導(dǎo)致嚴(yán)重的頸部疼痛。而且，她們這么睡醒后肯定要大哭大喊的。

伯納黛特瞇眼看著她的手機(jī)，嘴唇微微動(dòng)著在讀什么信息。“該死，他跟蘭斯在一起——這下有得折騰了。這樣，我想她會乖乖的，一直到大概四點(diǎn)鐘？至于卡萊布——我覺得他不會去睡覺，但他可以看《兔八哥》，或許吧？把聲音關(guān)掉？卡萊布，你愿意看看沒有聲音的《兔八哥》，讓拉維回去睡覺嗎？”

“別擔(dān)心我們，”拉維說道，“我們會玩‘大富翁’。”拉維是唯一一個(gè)放縱卡萊布癡迷“大富翁”的人。那男孩是她的第一個(gè)孫輩，在她與男孩的祖父離婚的那一年出生，那時(shí)候她才只不過三十七歲——年輕得遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不能被叫作祖母！在公共場合，她經(jīng)常被誤認(rèn)為是男孩的母親，她允許卡萊布叫她的昵稱拉維，而不是伊芙琳?？ㄈR布是個(gè)嚴(yán)肅的男孩子，在自己能說出完整的句子之前從未開口說話，在他的兩個(gè)妹妹先后出生之后，他十分坦率地表示自己不喜歡她們?！澳慵倚绿淼男∶妹迷趺礃?？”有人會這樣問?！霸阃噶恕！彼麜@樣回答。他的感情是那么的容易受到傷害。這點(diǎn)卡萊布像他的母親，一個(gè)太過脆弱的孩子，傷痕累累。他也不輕易露出笑容。

“請你別覺得我是個(gè)失敗者，”伯納黛特一邊轉(zhuǎn)身走向門口一邊懇求道，“還有，轉(zhuǎn)告威廉，很抱歉吵醒了他。卡萊布，乖乖的。我愛你?！?/p>

卡萊布已經(jīng)擺好棋盤，數(shù)著游戲貨幣，并把機(jī)會卡片堆成一摞。他長得像他祖父，也就是拉維的第一任丈夫——同樣的紅銅色頭發(fā)、棕色的大眼睛和飽滿的嘴唇。拉維的第一任丈夫與其成婚時(shí)已經(jīng)四十五歲，那種飽滿的瀟灑英姿已近尾聲，卻仍然滿懷自信地穿越世界，他一直是個(gè)招蜂惹蝶的男人。拉維曾是他的第三任妻子；也許她本能夠預(yù)料到自己無法在前兩任失敗的地方取得成功，但那就是愛情的本質(zhì)、年輕人的秉性，兩者相結(jié)合，年輕人的愛情——這些使你自傲，又或是固執(zhí)，對于別人總結(jié)的教訓(xùn)無動(dòng)于衷。

如果你對別人總結(jié)的所有教訓(xùn)都加以留意，也許你就什么都不做了了。

卡萊布把蘇格蘭犬遞給拉維。他自己則一直用著禮帽。“我想當(dāng)銀行家。”他說。

“好啊，”她說道，不過這樣一來就更難保證讓他贏了。但是，在撫養(yǎng)孩子的過程中就是有這樣的挑戰(zhàn)，不是嗎？確保你欺瞞他們的能力與他們看穿你的能力保持同步。到什么時(shí)候你才可以完全坦白？比方說，你能向孩子坦言說父母其實(shí)并沒有平等地愛著子女嗎？

拉維的前夫偏愛最漂亮、最能干的大女兒。而拉維呢？她始終對生活艱苦的伯納黛特頗為偏袒。伯納黛特的姐姐們發(fā)現(xiàn)這位繼母并不夠格，她是那么的年輕。有一段時(shí)間，扮演時(shí)髦的年輕媽媽還挺有趣的，拉維跟她們換穿衣服，喜歡她們聽的音樂，四個(gè)人聯(lián)合起來對付她的丈夫，她們的父親，那個(gè)老男人，那么老！那么老派！老掉牙了！凡事大驚小怪的！

但他并不是真的那樣，到了某個(gè)時(shí)刻他的放縱便開始消減，他那家長般的寬容變得越來越少，至少對拉維是如此，因?yàn)樗罱K不再是他美麗的年輕妻子；她太熟悉他、太了解他了，而他也太了解她了，他甚至無法確切地指摘她究竟是太怎么了。他誠懇地問，她想讓他假裝出無法自然感受到的感情嗎？那是她想要的那種愛情嗎？

是的，她坦言，盡管并未宣之于口。是的，如果他只能給她這些，那么她就接受這些。

“你告訴我要誠實(shí)，”他說，“這就是誠實(shí)的我?！?/p>

大富翁游戲的第一階段總是最好的——各種收購和各種可能，龐大的現(xiàn)金流，公平競爭?？ㄈR布跪在自己的椅子上，活像個(gè)怪獸狀的滴水嘴一樣俯視著五顏六色的棋盤。拉維去看他兩個(gè)妹妹的時(shí)候，他就替她擲骰子，向前移動(dòng)她的蘇格蘭犬，經(jīng)過起點(diǎn)的時(shí)候給她兩百塊。為了避免首先在海濱路買地，拉維讓一個(gè)骰子滾到地板上，自己說了一個(gè)步數(shù)，走過去付了奢侈品稅——管它是什么呢，能避開海濱路就是了。最后，卡萊布得以買下他心愛的鈷藍(lán)色的一條街。過一會兒，等那里漲成高昂的過路費(fèi)，拉維就故意多往那里走幾次，好讓他剝削自己一筆。

為什么看著他贏是如此地令人滿足呢？