弗瑞德的現(xiàn)代成人禮儀式

It all started with a box set of Roots we had picked up at a car-boot sale. I watched the first episode with my son and he seemed quite taken with the part where the young Kunta Kinte goes off into the forest with a dozen other adolescent boys for “manhood training”—specific tests of strength， bravery and hunting skills—culminating in an eye-watering circumcision with a two-pronged knife.

Why not set him a 21st-century， Western（pain-free） equivalent， I thought. Fred was just a few weeks away from his 13th birthday， which seemed like an important turning point. He was eager for more freedom and independence， pushing to go to bed later， have more pocket money， not have a babysitter， cycle to random far-off places and go to football matches without an adult. But did he have the maturity and worldliness to be granted these things？ Lets put him to the test， I thought. Now seemed the perfect time to make sure he had the skills needed for a more grown-up life.

However to get him fully on board， I knew I would have to invent a rite of passage that would appeal to a modern 13-year-old who already had his boxers permanently on show. After all， this was a boy who hated sustained effort and shied away from any kind of system or daily ritual.

To engage and motivate him， I decided to put a sort of life-as-a-game spin on the whole thing. There would be 13 challenges covering 13 different areas of life， and each challenge would arbitrarily contain the number 13 in some way if possible. I even bought 13 brightly coloured envelopes in which to present the tasks to him， one by one.

Challenge one： Get on a train on your own. Get off at the 13th stop. Go to a sit-down cafe or restaurant. Order the 13th item on the menu. Then buy yourself a whole outfit with ￡13.13.

I am not， of course， randomly releasing him into the wild. I have secretly micromanaged the whole thing. We are going to put him on a train at a particular rural station and after two hours， he will end up in Hereford—a city he has never visited. I buy him a ticket and order him not to look at the destination. I am feeling quite uneasy， but as the train pulls away， I smile and think of Kunta Kintes mothers words when her son is taken from the village： “A boy has just left， a man will return.”

Fred does not know， but we are driving to Hereford to collect him. When we eventually meet up， he tells us he loved the solo train journey and the shopping， but was very uncomfortable with the lunch element at first. “Its a bit weird， isnt it？ A kid on his own sitting in a cafe？”

Challenge two makes him groan： 13 household tasks， from ironing to paying a bill to defrosting the freezer. “Blimey， thatll take me all day，” he says， looking at the list.

Nevertheless he starts off enthusiastically with the first job of mowing the lawn， claiming he is going to make football pitch stripes. Minutes later， he pops back into the house to say he has remembered that he needs to hang out the washing. “Id better do it now cause it looks like it might rain later.” Brilliant. Thinking like a housewife already.

Challenge three really hits his weak points： learn， practise and perform a 13-bar blues piece on the piano in public. Fred had a few months of piano lessons， but gave up. His dad has tried to teach him a bit， too， but that never ends well. But he is happy to write down the notes from a YouTube pop video and have a go on his own.

The idea of regular， repetitive practice， however， goes against every bone in his body. He even lies some days and tells us he practised while we were out. It is only when we arrive at the event， an open-mic night with a proper stage and an audience of 60 or 70 that his nerves kick in. He babbles and becomes fidgety. However， he performs well and receives huge applause and cheers. He is high as a kite all the way home.

Three challenges down， 10 to go. I know he is enjoying it when I overhear him telling a friend animatedly about what is inside the next coloured envelope， which I have left on the kitchen table.

The next challenges get him cooking （plan， buy and make from scratch a three-course family dinner， choosing dishes from any page 13 of our recipe books）， learning Hungarian （Fred has been invited to Hungary in the summer holidays with his best friends family）， doing a self-portrait to capture himself at age 13， and walking （plan and do a 13-mile walk on your own）. I know this distance will not be that strenuous for him. What I really want is for him to experience how liberating and meditative it can be to walk for an extended period of time with nothing but your own thoughts. I tell him he cant take his iPod.

Challenge eight is to volunteer. I have a romantic vision of him dishing out soup in a centre for the homeless or spending time with old people. In reality， health and safety makes this impossible. He ends up in charge of the hook-aduck stall at a local farm charity for a day.

With five challenges left， Fred is asking what his reward is going to be at the end of all this. “What Id really like，” he tells me， “is if you took me to Blackpool Pleasure Beach.”Should I？ Im not sure.

But there have been pay-offs already. He plays the piano a lot these days， cuts the grass and we know we can ask him to make dinner if we are too busy. Now when he goes to stay with his grandparents 100 miles away， instead of a personal handover of child， clothes and cuddly toy at a service station halfway， we put him on a direct train with a heavy rucksack.

I also think he has learned that effort leads to reward， that he can do whatever he puts his mind to， that it is worth feeling the fear and doing it anyway， that we trust him to do stuff he thought we might not， that being in your own company is just fine—and that life is full of possibility and playfulness if you want it to be.

In fact， I may have made a rod for my own back.

“When Im 18，” he said the other day，“Do you think you could set me some sort of treasure hunt around Europe？”

一切都始于我們?cè)谄囆欣钕涞呐f貨賣會(huì)上買到的一套電視劇集：《根》。我和兒子一起看了第一集，他似乎被年紀(jì)輕輕的昆塔·肯特和其他十多個(gè)少年一起進(jìn)入森林進(jìn)行“成年訓(xùn)練”的情節(jié)所吸引。所謂“成年訓(xùn)練”，包括對(duì)力量、勇氣和狩獵技能的具體測(cè)試，割禮是其終極的訓(xùn)練方式。用一把雙叉尖刀進(jìn)行的割禮簡(jiǎn)直讓人慘不忍睹。

我心里琢磨著，為什么不給兒子來(lái)一個(gè)21世紀(jì)的、西式的（無(wú)痛）“成人訓(xùn)練”呢？再過(guò)幾個(gè)星期，弗瑞德就要過(guò)13歲生日了，這似乎是他生命中一個(gè)重要的拐點(diǎn)。他渴望更多的自由和獨(dú)立，要求可以晚睡，想要更多的零花錢，不再需要保姆，希望可以騎自行車去任意一個(gè)遙遠(yuǎn)的地方并在沒(méi)有成人監(jiān)護(hù)的情況下去觀看足球比賽。然而他已經(jīng)成熟老練到可以獲準(zhǔn)去做這些事情了嗎？我想，還是讓我們來(lái)考考他?，F(xiàn)在看來(lái)也是時(shí)候去考驗(yàn)他是否已經(jīng)具備成年人生活所必備的技能了。

然而要讓兒子乖乖地接受這個(gè)測(cè)驗(yàn)，我知道還得想出一個(gè)有趣的成人禮儀式，才能吸引這個(gè)已敢于長(zhǎng)期顯擺自己平腳內(nèi)褲的13歲男孩。畢竟，這個(gè)男孩討厭持之以恒的努力，并回避任何類型的制度或日常的慣例程式。

為了引起他的興趣并激勵(lì)他，我決定把整件事情放置在一種“人生如游戲”的氛圍中進(jìn)行。在這個(gè)測(cè)驗(yàn)里會(huì)有13個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)，這13個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)涵蓋人生中的13個(gè)不同領(lǐng)域，如果有可能的話，每個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)還會(huì)任意以某種方式包含13這個(gè)數(shù)字。我甚至買了13個(gè)色彩鮮艷的信封，裝載著我給他的一個(gè)個(gè)任務(wù)。

挑戰(zhàn)一：獨(dú)自坐火車。在第十三個(gè)站下車。去一家咖啡館或餐廳，并坐在里面用餐。點(diǎn)菜單上第十三項(xiàng)所包含的食物。然后用13.13英鎊為自己買一整套衣服。

當(dāng)然，我不是把他放出去亂走不管。我已經(jīng)秘密地微觀監(jiān)控著整件事情。我們準(zhǔn)備讓他從一個(gè)特偏僻的村鎮(zhèn)車站坐上火車，兩個(gè)小時(shí)后，他將到達(dá)赫里福德，這是他從沒(méi)去過(guò)的一個(gè)城市。我給他買了一張車票，并要求他不要看目的地在哪兒。我感覺很不安，但隨著列車的開出，我笑了，想起昆塔·肯特的母親在兒子從村子里被帶走時(shí)講的話：“剛剛離開的是一個(gè)男孩，回來(lái)的將會(huì)是一個(gè)男人。”

弗瑞德并不知道我們已開車到赫里福德去接他了。當(dāng)我們最終見面時(shí)，他告訴我們，他喜歡獨(dú)自坐火車的旅行，也喜歡購(gòu)物，但一開始的時(shí)候，對(duì)測(cè)驗(yàn)中的午餐部分感覺不是很自在?！斑@有點(diǎn)不可思議，不是嗎？一個(gè)孩子獨(dú)自坐在咖啡館？”

第二個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)讓他怨聲不斷：13項(xiàng)家務(wù)活兒，既有熨燙、外出繳費(fèi)，還有給冰箱除霜等?！鞍⊙?，那可得花掉我一整天時(shí)間，”他看著任務(wù)單說(shuō)。

盡管如此，他還是滿腔熱情地開始了第一項(xiàng)工作——修剪草坪，并聲稱要將其修剪成足球場(chǎng)那樣的帶狀。幾分鐘后，他從草坪回到了房子里，說(shuō)他記起了還要把洗好的衣服晾出去?！拔易詈矛F(xiàn)在就去晾，因?yàn)榭雌饋?lái)等會(huì)好像要下雨?！闭婷髦?。已經(jīng)像家庭主婦一樣在想問(wèn)題了。

第三個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)確實(shí)擊中了他的弱點(diǎn)：學(xué)習(xí)并練習(xí)一首有13個(gè)小節(jié)的布魯斯鋼琴曲，并在公共場(chǎng)合演奏。弗瑞德上過(guò)幾個(gè)月鋼琴課，但后來(lái)放棄了。他爸爸也嘗試過(guò)教他，但結(jié)果還是未能如人所愿。但是，他很開心地從YouTube視頻網(wǎng)站上把音符都抄下來(lái)，然后自個(gè)兒獨(dú)立地去試著彈。

然而，進(jìn)行常規(guī)、反復(fù)練習(xí)的想法與他身上的每根筋骨都格格不入。有幾天，他甚至對(duì)我們?nèi)隽酥e，說(shuō)自己在我們外出的時(shí)候練習(xí)了。當(dāng)我們來(lái)到他表演的現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，面對(duì)正式的舞臺(tái)和六、七十名觀眾時(shí)，他才突然緊張起來(lái)。他胡言亂語(yǔ)，焦躁不安。然而，他表演得還不錯(cuò)，獲得了熱烈的掌聲和歡呼聲。在回家的路上，他一直保持著高昂的狀態(tài)，像一只久久不落地的風(fēng)箏。

三個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)過(guò)后，還有10個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)等著他。我知道他喜歡上了這個(gè)測(cè)驗(yàn)，因?yàn)槲覠o(wú)意中聽到他正興致勃勃地和一位朋友說(shuō)有關(guān)下一個(gè)彩色信封里將會(huì)裝著什么的事。我當(dāng)時(shí)已經(jīng)把他所提到的那個(gè)信封放在了廚房的餐桌上。

下一個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)包含的任務(wù)有：烹飪（包括制定計(jì)劃，購(gòu)買烹飪材料，然后從零開始為全家準(zhǔn)備一個(gè)有三道菜的晚餐，同時(shí)菜式須從我們家食譜的第13頁(yè)中選擇）、學(xué)習(xí)匈牙利語(yǔ)（弗瑞德曾獲邀在暑假和他最好的朋友一家同到匈牙利去）、畫一幅自畫像來(lái)描繪自己在13歲時(shí)的樣子、走一段路（制定計(jì)劃并獨(dú)立行走13英里）。我知道這個(gè)距離對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)不會(huì)很難。我真正的目的是讓他在與自己思想為伴的較長(zhǎng)時(shí)間行走中，親身去體會(huì)那種自由自在的、沉思放松的感覺。我還對(duì)他說(shuō)，不能帶iPod。

第八個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)是去做義工。我原本有個(gè)天真的愿景，希望他在慈善中心為無(wú)家可歸的人分發(fā)湯食或者花點(diǎn)時(shí)間陪陪老人?？蓪?shí)際上，健康問(wèn)題和安全問(wèn)題使得這個(gè)愿景沒(méi)法實(shí)現(xiàn)。最后，他在當(dāng)?shù)匾患肄r(nóng)場(chǎng)慈善機(jī)構(gòu)里的鉤鴨子游戲攤位上負(fù)責(zé)守?cái)偽弧?/p>

只剩下五個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)的時(shí)候，弗瑞德開始問(wèn)等所有的測(cè)驗(yàn)結(jié)束時(shí)會(huì)有什么報(bào)償。他對(duì)我說(shuō)：“我真正想要的，是你能帶我去黑池歡樂(lè)海灘?！?我應(yīng)該帶他去嗎？我不太確定。

但現(xiàn)在，已經(jīng)開始有些回報(bào)了。最近他鋼琴?gòu)椀枚嗔?，也?huì)去割草了，而且我們知道，如果太忙的話還能讓他做晚飯。如今，當(dāng)他要去100英里之外的祖父母家時(shí)，我們只是把背著沉沉帆布包的他送上直達(dá)列車，而不是在中途的服務(wù)站里親自將一個(gè)小孩連同他的衣物和可愛玩具一起移交托付給別人。

我也認(rèn)為他已經(jīng)懂得了如下道理：努力會(huì)得到回報(bào)；只要用心去做就能做好任何事情；所有的恐懼和接受的考驗(yàn)都是值得的；我們信任他能夠勝任那些在他看來(lái)我們也許并不相信他能做的事情；自己獨(dú)處也挺好的；只要你想要的話，生活就可以充滿可能性和趣味性。

事實(shí)上，我也許只是在自找麻煩罷了。

前幾天，他說(shuō)：“當(dāng)我18歲時(shí)，你覺得你可以給我設(shè)置一些類似于去歐洲各地尋寶的挑戰(zhàn)嗎？”