在同性戀家庭長大的女孩

Terry Gross （Host）： Its not unusual now to see children with gay parents， but it was uncommon when my guest was raised in the 70s and 80s by her gay father. Alysia Abbott has written a new 1）memoir about growing up in the early years of the gay rights movement in the capital of gay America， San Francisco.

Its called “Fairyland： A Memoir of My Father.” Her father， Steve Abbott， was a poet， essayist and editor. He described himself as 2）bisexual when in 1969 he married the woman who became Alysias mother. They were both graduate students at Emory University in Atlanta. Alysia writes that while her parents shared a bed and a life， her father helped organize Atlantas Gay Liberation Front and was the gay lib editor at Atlantas alternative weekly， The Great Speckled Bird.

特麗·格羅斯（主持人）：現(xiàn)在看到同性戀父母帶著孩子并不覺得異乎尋常，但我的嘉賓在20世紀(jì)七八十年代由她的同性戀父親養(yǎng)大，那時那樣的事并不尋常。阿莉西婭·阿博特寫了一部新的回憶錄，講述自己在同性戀者權(quán)利運動早期在美國同性戀之都——舊金山市的成長故事。

書名叫《夢游仙境：回憶我的父親》。她的父親史蒂夫·阿博特是一位詩人、散文家和編輯。在1969年他跟后來生下阿莉西婭的女人結(jié)婚時，他描述自己是雙性戀者。他們倆都是亞特蘭大埃默里大學(xué)的畢業(yè)生。阿莉西婭在書中描述到，當(dāng)她父母同床共枕共同生活時，她父親協(xié)助組織同性戀解放陣線，也是另類周刊《帶花斑的大鳥》同性戀解放版的編輯。

Two years after Alysia was born， her mother was killed in a car accident. Soon after， her father decided they would move to San Francisco， and the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood became their home. He died of AIDS-related 3）complications in 1992. Alysias new memoir is based in part on her fathers journals.

And I havent read anything about a child of a gay parent 4）at the dawn of the age of the gay liberation era. Do you feel like this gives you a kind of unique perspective on that era？

Alyaia Abbott： Yes. I mean I think that the experience of being a child of a gay parent in my generation or the child of a gay parent 5）coming of age today is very different. Most of the children born of gay parents in the first two decades after Stonewall， those children were the products of 6）heterosexual unions， usually straight marriages.

And so in those situations 7）typically the parent was 8）closeted， and would come out after the child was born， and either the parents would divorce or maybe the parent wouldnt come out. But usually in those situations the child would live with one of the parents， and because of the way the courts were set up， they were often living with the straight parent or sometimes with the mother.

My situation was unique because my mother died， and so there really wasnt anyone clearly who I was going to live with other than my father. So he was—I was living in an 9）exclusively gay-headed household from as early as I can remember. Children today， they are usually the product of a gay couple who would either adopt a child or go through a process of 10）artificial insemination to have a child. But its very much they are as a couple wanting to have a child together.

Gross： And suddenly your father， who wasnt really ready to be a father， was your only parent. Your aunt had offered to adopt you， but your father insisted on keeping you. Considering his reservations about being a parent， do you feel like you understand why he kept you？

Abbott： Absolutely. For one thing， my father wrote about in his journals feeling this connection with me after I was born. So before I was born he wasnt necessarily very enthusiastic about having a child， but after I was born he really enjoyed spending time with me. And actually for a short period he was a sort of house husband， before even John Lennon was a house husband， working from home， trying to sell his work while my mother was working a nine-to-five job.

And so after my mothers death， I think my father felt like he didnt have very much. His relationship with a young man that he had while he was with my mother had 11）dissolved， and he in a sense felt that I was all that he had in the world， and he was all that I had in the world. So I dont think he could have imagined letting my aunt or anyone else take over raising me.

Gross： When you were a young child， after your mother died， your father decided to move to San Francisco. So you and he moved there. And early on he had other roommates living with you， including one or two men who were 12）drag queens. And Im wondering what your reaction was—at a very young age， when you hadnt been exposed to much at all. So nothing—in some ways nothings unusual when youre very young because everythings new. Abbott： Exactly.

Gross： So what was your reaction to seeing， you know， men who you were living with in dresses and lipstick？

Abbott： Well， my father had already been sometimes wearing dresses in Atlanta. I think for my father wearing a dress was a political statement. When we were in San Francisco and we were living with two men， one of whom was a drag queen fulltime， another one who would sort of dress up to go out， I really saw it as play.

At the time I would have been about four years old， and I liked to dress up. I liked to put on fancy scarves and the makeup， and it was all something that we could do together. I never sensed that what my father or any one of his friends were doing was weird until I became older and became more aware of what normal families look like and what normal men and normal women did.

Gross： And I want to say， again， you know， that this is an era， were talking about， you know， the 70s here. This is the era before the gay marriage movement. It was the era before so many gay people were actively， you know， trying to become parents or had already become parents. And your father was part of this， you know， gay mens community in San Francisco in the Castro and Haight-Ashbury that was—it wasnt about marriage. It wasnt about having children. But your father had a child， he had you.

And so you were like a real 13）anomaly within that community that your father was part of. How old were you when you started realizing that you were something really different in this community？

Abbott： Well， I think from a young age I realized I was something different in this community because it was a community of， you know， young men， and here I was a little girl. So I didnt see other little girls around. So I was always— felt different. But from an early age I sort of liked this difference. That meant I could get all the attention. There was no one like me， and I felt sort of special in a way.

But I think on one level as a straight child of a gay parent I always felt like a little too straight for the gay community but also a little too gay for the straight community. So I think I felt a little bit ill at ease in either world.

Gross： Talk a little bit more about feeling too straight for the gay community. Do you think anybody was hoping that youd be—anybody in your fathers circle or your father himself had hoped in any way that youd be gay， that youd be a lesbian？

Abbott： Oh no， absolutely not. I mean I think because there were so few gay parents that we knew that just my presence in certain situations， you know， I was a little too straight for the gay community， meaning not that my sexuality was too straight， I was a little girl， but that my presence was reminding people of the world of sort of traditional family structure and responsibility that some people were trying to escape from.

阿莉西婭出生兩年后，她母親在一次車禍中喪生。不久后，她父親決定要搬到舊金山市，海特-艾許伯里區(qū)一帶成為了他們的家。他在1992年因為艾滋病有關(guān)的并發(fā)癥而去世，阿莉西婭的新回憶錄部分是基于她父親的日記。

我從沒讀過在同性戀解放時代初期，同性戀父母養(yǎng)育孩子的故事。你是否覺得這讓你對那個時代有獨特的看法？

阿莉西婭·阿博特：是的。我的意思是我認(rèn)為在我的年代作為同性戀父母的孩子，和今天的同性戀父母的孩子的經(jīng)歷是不一樣的。石墻暴動之后（1969年紐約爆發(fā)的大規(guī)模同性戀暴動）的頭20年出生在同性戀家庭的孩子，都是異性戀愛的結(jié)晶，通常也是異性婚姻。

所以在那些情況里，一般父母一方是隱蔽同性戀者，在小孩出生后就顯露出來，或者父母離婚，或者隱蔽同性戀父或母沒顯露出來。但是通常在那些情況，孩子會跟其中一方父母居住，因為基于法律成立的初衷，他們通常會跟非同性戀父或母生活，有時是跟母親一起。

我的情況特殊是因為我母親去世了，所以除了跟我父親，我不清楚還能跟誰一起生活。于是從我記事起，我和他就住在特定的以同性戀者為首的家庭里。如今，同性戀家庭里的孩子或是同性戀夫婦收養(yǎng)，或是通過人工授精的途徑得到。但大多都是他們作為夫婦想共同撫養(yǎng)一個孩子。

格羅斯：你的父親還沒真正準(zhǔn)備好做一位爸爸，突然間就成為了你唯一的監(jiān)護人。你姨媽提出過收養(yǎng)你，但你父親堅持要撫養(yǎng)你?？紤]到他作為父親的遲疑，你認(rèn)為自己明白他為什么要撫養(yǎng)你嗎？

阿博特：完全明白。首先，我父親在他的日記里寫下了我出生后他跟我關(guān)系的感受。雖然我出生前，他并沒有熱衷于要一個孩子，但我出生后他確實很愿意和我在一起。實際上有很短一段時間他有點像居家丈夫，這甚至是在約翰·列儂（英國著名搖滾樂隊“披頭士”成員）當(dāng)居家丈夫之前，他在家工作，努力出售自己的作品，那時我母親是上朝九晚五的班。

所以我母親去世后，我想我父親覺得失去太多，他跟我母親在一起的同時跟他相戀的一個小伙子也跟他分手了，于是在某種程度上他覺得我就是他在世上唯一的親人，他也是我在世上唯一的親人。所以我認(rèn)為他無法想象讓我姨媽或其他任何人來撫養(yǎng)我。

格羅斯：你母親去世后，你還是小孩子的時候，你父親決定搬去舊金山市，于是你和他搬到了那里。早期他有其他舍友跟你們一起住，包括一兩個愛男扮女裝的男子。我想知道在你小小年紀(jì)還沒有接觸太多的時候，你有什么反應(yīng)。在某種程度上對你沒有什么不尋常，因為你還很小，一切都是新鮮事物。

阿博特：沒錯。

格羅斯：那么，你知道，當(dāng)你看到跟你一起住的男人穿裙子涂口紅，你有什么反應(yīng)？

阿博特：哦，在亞特蘭大的時候，我父親有時也穿裙子，我以為我父親穿裙子是代表了一種政治觀點。當(dāng)我們在舊金山市的時候，我們跟兩個男人一起住，其中一個整天都穿女裝，另一個就會打扮得花枝招展才出門，我真的把一切看作是好玩。

我大概4歲的時候，也喜歡打扮。我喜歡戴奇特的圍巾和化妝，這些事情我們都會一起做。我從沒感覺到我父親或他的任何一個朋友的做法都是怪異的，直到我長大了些，越來越意識到正常家庭的模樣、正常男女的做法。

格羅斯：我想再說一次，你知道，這是一個時代，我們在談?wù)?0世紀(jì)70年代，這是同性戀婚姻運動前的時代。在那個時代很少同性戀人們會積極努力想成為父母或已經(jīng)成為父母，而你的父親是舊金山市卡斯特羅和男同性戀社團的其中一分子，那里不講婚姻，不講撫養(yǎng)孩子。但你的父親有個孩子，他有你。

所以在你父親的同性戀圈子里，你真的就像一個異類。當(dāng)你開始意識到自己在這個圈子里是另類的時候，你有多大？

阿博特：呃，我想我在很小的時候就意識到自己在這個圈子里跟大家不一樣，因為這個圈子都是年輕男人，而我是個小女孩。我沒見過那里有其他小女孩，所以我總是感覺不一樣。但是在小時候我有點喜歡這種不一樣，那意味著我會得到所有的關(guān)注。沒人跟我一樣，某種程度上我感覺自己有點特別。但在某種程度上，作為同性戀父母的直人孩子，我總是感覺自己在同性戀圈子里太“直”，而在直人圈子里又有點太“彎”，所以我在兩個圈子里都覺得惴惴不安。

格羅斯：談到在同性戀圈子里感覺太“直”，你認(rèn)為有人希望你，你父親圈子里的人或你父親希望你會是同性戀者嗎？

阿博特：沒有，絕對沒有。我的意思是我認(rèn)為自己存在的特定場合導(dǎo)致我們認(rèn)識很少同性戀父母，我在同性戀圈子里顯得太“直”，并非意味著我的性取向太“直”，我當(dāng)時還是個小女孩，我的存在提醒了世人傳統(tǒng)家庭的結(jié)構(gòu)和某些人正竭力逃避的責(zé)任。