面具背后的男孩

Ｔｏｍ?。龋幔欤欤恚幔?，Ｊｒ．

薇雨 譯

Sam, The Boy Behind the Mask

一個孩子，因為與生俱來的面貌缺陷，而承擔了與其年齡極不相符的苦難，也因此無法享受正常孩子輕易獲取的快樂。閱讀這個故事時苦澀的感受就像四年前的那個深夜，我在舍友的酣睡聲中挑燈流著淚看完余華《活著》時的感受——世界上再沒有故事主角所不能承受的痛苦了。

當美貌甚至成為當今社會的一種經(jīng)濟，人們愈發(fā)膚淺地用相貌評判一個人時，我們應該清醒：內(nèi)在美，人性的閃光點，更值得人們贊頌與追求！

——Lavender

He pauses to study his face in the mirror, to see what others see when they look at him.

A huge mass of flesh balloons from the left side of his face. The main body of tissue,¹⁾laced with blue veins,²⁾swells in a³⁾dome from⁴⁾sideburn level to chin. The mass draws his left eye into a⁵⁾slit,⁶⁾warps his mouth into a small inverted half-moon. It looks as though someone had slapped three pounds of wet clay onto his face, where it clings, burying the boy inside.

But his right eye is clear and perfectly formed. His⁷⁾iris is a deep, penetrating brown, and one third of his face surrounding this normal eye gives the impression of a normal teenager. Sams⁸⁾close-cropped hair is shaped carefully,⁹⁾trimmed neatly behind his delicate right ear. His right cheek glows with the blushing good health that the rest of his face has obscured.

There is the mask.

And there is the boy behind the mask.

The last school bell rings, and students crowd out of classrooms and jam the halls. They gather in front of lockers to talk, they shout and make plans for the afternoon. Sam slips through them unnoticed and heads home on a winding street.

When reaching home, he goes upstairs directly. He walks along the hall to the door with the toy¹⁰⁾license plate announcing “Sam.” In his room he¹¹⁾fiddles with a¹²⁾laptop, leafs through a motorcycle magazine, and plays with a¹³⁾foam basketball.

He sits on the bed and¹⁴⁾tosses the ball across the room, hitting a poster on the wall. His mother made that poster, assembling family photographs and documents and then¹⁵⁾laminating them. They are the¹⁶⁾remnants of a fading childhood.

In the middle of the poster is a questionnaire Sam filled out when he was eight. He had been asked to list his three greatest wishes. First, he said, he wanted $1 million. Next, a dog. On the third line, he¹⁷⁾doodled three question marks——back then, he couldnt think of anything else he wanted or needed. If he could be granted one wish now, it would be to look better. Not perfect. Not like a model. Sam just wants to look a little more normal. He wants people to see beyond his face.

He hears the back door shut downstairs. His father is home. Sam goes to his door. He can hear his parents talking, and he listens carefully, but he cant make out the words. Maybe his parents are talking about him.

He changes into his clothes for the¹⁸⁾open house, the shirt and pants he selected with such care. All eighth-graders are¹⁹⁾obsessed with how they look and how theyll²⁰⁾fit in at school. Sam is no different. He watches MTV. He knows whats considered popular and cool. He knows what girls like. Everyone talks about beauty being on the inside, but Sam knows thats only what people tell themselves. It may seem true to little kids, or to men and women in their forties. But to a teenager like Sam, its a lie.

When Sam²¹⁾was due to arrive at middle school, his fifth-grade teacher, worried that he would be teased and misunderstood, created a slide show on his life. She gathered photographs of Sam from his family, and asked students who knew him in grade school to write letters of introduction. Then she held an assembly at the middle school, and at all the²²⁾grade schools that would send kids to²³⁾Gregory Heights. After the students had seen pictures of Sam, she read the letters written by his schoolmates.

“Ive known Sam for the greater portion of my time at Rose City Park,” one student wrote. “Not very well until this year, though. I remember that kids, ignorant, hateful kids, would make fun of him....Think how horrible it was for him. I, like many other people, did nothing. I was quiet and got my fair share of teasing....I deeply regret [that I did nothing]. I wasnt in Sams class again until fifth grade. I saw a tremendous improvement in the other kids. Perhaps ignorance was our biggest enemy. I saw a new side of Sam, too. A side that had always been there, a side that only needed a closer look. So I ask you, before you judge Sam, or anyone for that matter, remember that a persons true beauty is not on the outside, but within their heart.”

Sams teacher ended the assemblies by reminding students that while Sam looked different, he was a normal boy. They didnt have to be his best friends, but they should not be afraid of him, or make fun of him.

Life hasnt been perfect for Sam in middle school. Teachers were shocked when they first saw him. When he walked down the halls²⁴⁾early on, he knew that a lot of kids and teachers assumed he was a special education student. In time, though, everyone in the school has come to see him as just Sam. They dont care about the²⁵⁾disfiguring mass, or at least they dont show it if they do. But high school and beyond, he knows, will be different. No matter what people tell him, Sam recognizes that he is moving into a larger world of judgmental teenagers. And he carries with him a terrible handicap, a face that scares others.

He checks the clock, and sees that its almost time to go. He takes a deep breath. He hopes hes picked the right clothes.

他停下來，端詳起鏡子里自己的臉，想看看他人眼中的自己是怎么一副模樣。

他的左臉有一大團如汽球般鼓脹的血肉腫塊，夾雜著藍色血管的組織主體，從鬢腳到下巴隆起一個包。腫塊把他的左眼拉扯成一條細縫，嘴巴扭曲成嘴角朝下的小月牙狀?？雌饋砗孟裼腥嗽谒樕洗蛄巳踔兀s2.72斤）未干的陶土，從此粘住不動，把少年的臉埋在了里面。

但他的右眼清澈晶亮，形狀完美無瑕；虹膜是深邃、具穿透力的褐色。如果只看這只正常眼睛周圍三分之一的臉龐，他是正常少年的模樣。山姆寸長的短發(fā)精心剪過，秀氣的右耳后面修得很整齊；右頰泛著他臉上其余地方看不到的健康紅暈。

面具在那里。

面具背后的男孩也在那里。

放學鈴響了，學生們涌出課室，擠滿了過道。他們聚在帶鎖的柜子前交談，呼叫著，討論下午的安排。山姆從他們中間閃過，沒有人留意到他。他順著一條蜿蜒的街道立即回家。

到家后，他徑直上樓了。他沿著過道走到那扇掛著玩具車牌的門，車牌上寫著“山姆”。他在房間里時而胡亂擺弄著筆記本電腦，時而翻閱一本摩托車雜志，時而玩玩海綿籃球。

他坐在床上，把球在房間里拋投著，球打到墻上的一張海報上。海報是他媽媽把家庭照片和文字材料聚攏起來剪貼而成的，是他逐漸遠去的童年里僅剩的東西。

海報中央是山姆八歲時填寫的一張調(diào)查表，他被要求列出自己的三大愿望。第一，他寫道，他想要一百萬美元。其次，他想要一只狗。在第三行，他胡亂寫了三個問號——當時他想不出自己還盼望或需要什么別的東西。如果他現(xiàn)在能有一個愿望被滿足，那他會要求讓自己長得好看一些。不需要完美，不需要長得像個模特兒。山姆僅僅希望自己的外表看上去正常一點。他希望人們能看到他面孔以外的東西。

他聽到樓下傳來后門關(guān)上的聲音。爸爸回家了。山姆走近他的房門。他可以聽到爸媽在談話，他很仔細地聽著，卻一個詞也沒有聽清。也許爸媽正在談論他。

因為要參加某所中學的接待日活動，他換上了先前精心挑選出來的襯衣和褲子。八年級的學生都很在乎自己的外表，關(guān)心怎樣才能在學校里贏得人緣。山姆也不例外。他看音樂電視臺，知道當下流行什么，知道大家覺得什么最酷。他知道女孩子喜歡什么。每個人都在談論著內(nèi)在美，但山姆知道那只是人們在欺騙自己。也許對于小孩子，或者那些四十多歲的男人女人來說，真有什么內(nèi)在美。但對于像山姆這樣的少年，它是一個謊言。

當山姆到了念中學的年齡，五年級時教他的老師很擔心他會被同學嘲笑和誤解，便圍繞他的生活制作了一組幻燈片。她從山姆家收集了他的一些照片，并叫那些念小學就認識山姆的學生給他寫介紹信。然后她在山姆就讀的格雷戈里?海特中學，以及那些將把孩子送到格雷戈里?海特中學就讀的小學里都各舉辦了一次集會。學生們看完山姆的照片以后，那個老師念了山姆的同學寫的一些信。

“我在玫瑰城公園小學時已經(jīng)認識山姆很久了，”一個學生寫道。“但直到今年才比較了解他。我記得那些無知、可憎的孩子常取笑他……想想看，這些遭遇對他來說多么恐怖啊。我像其他的許多人一樣，沒有阻止那些孩子。我只是安安靜靜的，有時也參與到他們的嘲笑中……我很后悔（自己沒有為他做任何事）。直到五年級，我才有機會再次和山姆同班。我看到了其他孩子們的巨大進步。也許無知就是我們最大的敵人。我也看到了山姆新的一面，它一直存在在那里，我們只需要仔細一些就可以看見。所以我請求你們，在你們評價山姆或者其他人之前，請記住，一個人真正的美并不表現(xiàn)在外面，而是深藏在心里的。”

集會臨結(jié)束時，山姆的老師提醒同學們說，雖然山姆看上去和一般人不同，但他是一個正常的男孩。他們不需要成為山姆最好的朋友，但他們不應該害怕他或者嘲笑他。

中學的生活對于山姆來說并不完美。老師們第一眼看見他的時候都嚇了一跳。起初當他沿著過道走過去時，他知道很多學生和老師都以為他是特殊學校的孩子。然而不久，學校里的每一個人都僅僅把他看成是山姆了。他們不介意他臉上那個丑陋的腫塊，或者至少，他們不會表現(xiàn)出他們的介意。但山姆知道，高中以及高中以后的世界就不一樣了。不管人們怎樣寬慰他，山姆明白自己正走向一個圈子更大的世界，那里面滿是喜歡評頭品足、臧否人事的青少年。而他有一項嚴重的殘疾，一張嚇人的臉。

他看了看鐘，發(fā)現(xiàn)就該出發(fā)了。他深深吸了一口氣，希望自己身上穿著的是合適的衣服。