優(yōu)化動作描寫，刻畫人物形象

莫炎芬

【問題導(dǎo)讀】

當(dāng)前的讀后續(xù)寫大都是要求續(xù)寫人物的經(jīng)歷，補充后續(xù)的故事情節(jié)。這種記敘性的文體離不開對動作、環(huán)境、心理、外貌、語言、神態(tài)等方面的描寫。不少同學(xué)受制于有限的語言表達(dá)能力，又缺乏有效的針對性訓(xùn)練，這導(dǎo)致續(xù)寫內(nèi)容過于平淡、人物形象蒼白、語言空洞，讀起來索然無味，毫無感染力。因此，重視描寫性的語言素材積累，加強(qiáng)專項訓(xùn)練就十分必要。

動作描寫是讀后續(xù)寫中的一項重要微技能。我們在讀原文時，可以通過關(guān)注文中的動作描寫來快速梳理文章的情節(jié)，分析人物的性格，感受文章的語言風(fēng)格。在續(xù)寫時，我們可以通過描寫人物的具體動作來推動情節(jié)發(fā)展、塑造人物形象和展現(xiàn)人物性格。

【名師導(dǎo)學(xué)】

通過優(yōu)化動作描寫，文章不僅可以反映人物的身份、地位，還可以體現(xiàn)人物的心理活動過程，從而使人物的性格特征躍然紙上。因此，一篇優(yōu)秀的讀后續(xù)寫離不開生動形象的動作描寫。

進(jìn)行動作描寫時，不是不加選擇地對所有人物的所有動作都進(jìn)行描寫，而是要對能夠體現(xiàn)人物性格特征的動作進(jìn)行準(zhǔn)確、生動地描寫。成功的動作描寫，可以通過選擇準(zhǔn)確的動詞、合適的狀語和合理的句式來實現(xiàn)。

另外，我們平時要有積累意識，把課文、練習(xí)和課外閱讀中碰到的有關(guān)動作描寫的詞句摘抄下來。我們可以按照動作的類型來積累，如可以分為眼、手、口等不同的身體部位的動作，還可以分為走、跑、跳、笑、哭等動作。

【案例導(dǎo)引】

閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開頭語續(xù)寫兩段，使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。

I was a vet in Yorkshire. One day I received a call from Mrs Tompkin asking me to cuther budgies （虎皮鸚鵡） beak （喙）. I dropped what I was doing immediately， armed myself

with a pair of clippers and stepped onto the narrow strip of pavement which separated thedoor from the road. A pleasant looking red?haired woman answered my knock. “Im Mrs Dodds next door，”she said.“I keep an eye on the old lady. Shes over eightyand lives alone.”

Chatting with me friendly， she led me into the cramped little room， and said to the oldwoman in a corner，“Heres Mr Herriot coming to see Peter for you.”Mrs Tompkin noddedand smiled，“Oh thats good. The poor little fella can hardly eat with its long beak and Imworried about him. Hes my only companion， you know.”

“Yes， I understand， Mrs Tompkin.”I looked at the cage by the window with the greenbudgie perched（棲息）inside.“These little birds can be wonderful company when theystart chattering.”

She laughed.“Yes， but its a funny thing. Peter never has said that much. I think heslazy！ But I just like having him with me.”

“Of course you do，”I replied patiently，“but he certainly needs attention now.”

The beak was greatly overgrown， curving away down till it touched the feathers of thebreast. I would be able to revolutionize his life with one quick snip from my clippers. Theway I was feeling this job was right up my street. I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand. “Come on， Peter，”I wheedled（哄騙）. Lifting him out， I hunted in my pocket with theother hand for the clippers， and then stopped. The tiny head was no longer poking cheekily from my fingers but had fallen loosely toone side. The eyes were closed. He was dead. Mrs Dodds and I stared at each other in horror. When I turned my head towards MrsTompkin， I was surprised to see that she was still nodding and smiling. I drew her neighbor to one side.“Mrs Dodds， how much does she see？”

“Oh， shes very short?sighted， but shes right vain despite her age. Never would shewear glasses. Shes hard of hearing， too. ”

“Well， look，”I said. My heart was still pounding.“I just dont know what to do. If Itell her about this， the shock will be terrible. Anything could happen.”

Mrs Dodds nodded with a sad face.“Yes， youre right. Shes that attached to the littlething. ”

注意：續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右。

Paragraph 1：

Suddenly it occurred to me that I could buy her a new bird in the nearby store.______

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2：

It was a long time before I dared to go back to Mrs Tompkins to see how she got along with the new bird._________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

一、厘清文本內(nèi)容，明確語篇主題

（一）原文要素

（二）原文主題

本文講述了一位獸醫(yī)被叫去為一位獨居老人的虎皮鸚鵡剪喙的故事。獸醫(yī)發(fā)現(xiàn)這只虎皮鸚鵡事實上已經(jīng)死了，但是因為老人的視力和聽力都欠佳，所以她并未發(fā)現(xiàn)。為了不讓老人失去她唯一的伙伴，獸醫(yī)決定不告訴老人真相，還要為她買一只相似的虎皮鸚鵡。故事體現(xiàn)了對老人和弱勢群體的關(guān)愛。

二、品讀原文經(jīng)典，領(lǐng)悟動作描寫

（一）精選動詞，力求精準(zhǔn)描述

【例1】I armed myself with a pair of clippers.

我準(zhǔn)備好了一把剪子。

【例2】I keep an eye on the old lady.

我照看著那位老太太。

【例3】I hunted in my pocket with the other hand for the clippers.

我用另一只手在口袋里找剪刀。

【例4】My heart was still pounding.

我的心還在狂跳。

評析與點撥：根據(jù)人物所處的環(huán)境和性格特點，選用準(zhǔn)確恰當(dāng)?shù)膭釉~能把人物刻畫得活靈活現(xiàn)，同時也能讓讀者在具體的語境中體會到夸張或幽默等表達(dá)效果。如果上面四個例子中的四個粗體動詞（詞組）分別用prepared、look after、looked for、beating來替換，各個句子就會變得平平淡淡，讀起來索然無味。從應(yīng)試的角度來看，準(zhǔn)確地選用動詞，能體現(xiàn)考生的語言水平，是作文獲得高分的基礎(chǔ)。

要準(zhǔn)確地選用動詞，通常需要運用具體動詞替代籠統(tǒng)動詞。請體會下表中左右兩列動詞在表達(dá)準(zhǔn)確性方面的差異。

另外，運用恰當(dāng)?shù)亩陶Z替代普通動詞也是常用的技巧之一。請體會下表中左右兩列在表達(dá)效果方面的差異。

（二）添加狀語，實現(xiàn)生動描寫

【例5】Chatting with me friendly...

和我友好地聊著天……

【例6】“Of course you do，”I replied patiently，“but he certainly needs attention now.”

“你當(dāng)然喜歡，”我耐心地回答，“但他現(xiàn)在肯定需要照顧?！?/p>

【例7】I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand.

我打開籠子的門，慢慢地把手伸進(jìn)去。

【例8】Mrs Dodds and I stared at each other in horror.

多茲太太和我驚恐地面面相覷。

評析與點撥：利用副詞、介詞短語等狀語來修飾動詞，能表現(xiàn)動作發(fā)生的狀態(tài)、程度、方式等特點，也能讓讀者產(chǎn)生畫面感。例句中的粗體狀語能更好地體現(xiàn)出人物的性格品質(zhì)和內(nèi)心活動，這對塑造人物形象、主題升華都有重要的作用。

我們在平時的學(xué)習(xí)中，要有意識地積累地道的修飾語并分類整理，建立自己的語言素材庫。比如，在描寫動作的快速、短暫時，我們可以選用下列修飾語：rapidly、immediately、speedily、swiftly、instantly、promptly、hastily、without pausing、in no time、inan instant、without delay等。

（三）細(xì)化動作，寫出連動過程

【例9】I dropped what I was doing immediately， armed myself with a pair of clippers

and stepped onto the narrow strip of pavement which separated the door from the road.

我立刻放下手頭的工作，拿起一把剪刀，踏上了那道門與路之間的狹長人行道。

【例10】Chatting with me friendly， she led me into the cramped little room， and said to the old woman in a corner，“Heres Mr Herriot coming to see Peter for you.”

她和我友好地聊著天，把我領(lǐng)進(jìn)那間狹窄的小房間，對角落里的老婦人說：“赫里奧特先生來看彼得了。”

【例11】I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand.

我打開籠子的門，慢慢地把手伸進(jìn)去。

【例12】Lifting him out， I hunted in my pocket with the other hand for the? clippers，and then stopped.

我把他抱了出來，另一只手在口袋里找剪刀，然后停了下來。

評析與點撥：空洞、籠統(tǒng)的動作描寫無助于人物形象的塑造。事實上，不管是簡單還是復(fù)雜的動作都不是一下子就能完成的。我們?nèi)裟苓M(jìn)行細(xì)致觀察，就能捕捉到一連串細(xì)微的動作。我們應(yīng)把最能體現(xiàn)人物特征的連續(xù)動作提煉出來并形成動作鏈，寫出具有連貫性的動感畫面，使人物形象更生動、立體。

連動的描寫可以是最簡單的兩個動作的描寫（如例11），用“A and B”的句式；也可以是三連動（如例9），使用“A， B and C”的句式；甚至可以是更多個動作連續(xù)發(fā)生，使用“A， B， C， ...and X”的句式。另外也可以借助分詞作狀語的手段來描寫（如例10、例12），使用“doing/having done...+主干”或“主干+doing...and doing...”的句式。當(dāng)然這些都是基本的句式結(jié)構(gòu)，在實際使用中可以有更靈活的變化，還可以加上必要的形容詞或副詞來修飾，從而寫出更細(xì)膩的動作，使動作描寫更有層次感和畫面感。

三、做針對性練習(xí)，提升專項技能

請根據(jù)中文意思，在下列句子的空格處填上合適的單詞或短語。

1. 媽媽睡著以后，他從后門溜了出去。

After his mother fell asleep， he_________ out by the back door.

2. 他嘀咕道：“她怎么敢！”

“How dare she！”he_________.

3. 他突然大哭起來，氣呼呼地跑了。

He_________and stormed off.

4. 狼沒有動，默默地瞪著我。

The wolf didnt move，_________ .

5. 她拖著腳，不情愿地跟在她的父母后面。

She_________her feet as she followed her parents.

6. 那個獵人手里提著槍沖進(jìn)了樹林。

The hunter dashed into the forest， _________.

7. 她沖上前去，跪在地上，把兒子抱在懷里。

She dashed forward， _________and gathered her son into her arms.

8. 那個歌手看了觀眾一眼，深吸了一口氣，開始唱歌。

The singer at_________ the audience， _________and began to sing.

9. 他們站在空曠的路旁，仰望天空，感受著內(nèi)心珍貴的平靜。

_________beside the empty road， they looked up into the sky， feeling the precious peace from within.

10. 貝貝垂著胳膊，坐在池邊，不知道自己是對還是錯。

With his arms_________ ， Beibei sat beside the pool，_________ whether he was?right or wrong.

【參考范文】

學(xué)習(xí)下面的參考范文，體會文中的動作描寫。

Paragraph 1：

Suddenly it occurred to me that I could buy her a new bird in the nearby store. MrsDodds also thought it was a good idea and even suggested one in the town. I calmed down，cleared my throat， and informed Mrs Tompkin that I was going to take Peter along to thesurgery to do the job. I left her still nodding and smiling and， cage in hand， fled into thestreet. I soon found the shop and luckily there was a green budgie in the shop. With thebird in the cage， I sped back and hung it in its place by the window.“I think youll findeverything is well now，”I told Mrs Tompkin.

Paragraph 2：

It was a long time before I dared to go back to Mrs Tompkins to see how she got alongwith the new bird. The old lady herself came to the door.“How...”I stammered，“How is...er...？”She peered at me closely for a moment and then laughed.“Oh， you mean Peter. Heis just grand. Come in and see him.”In the little room the cage was still hung by thewindow and Peter the Second hopped around the bars of the cage， running up and downhis ladder. His mistress reached up， tapped the metal and looked lovingly at him.“Youknow， you wouldnt believe it，”she said.“Hes like a different bird.”I swallowed.“Is thatso？ In what way？”“Well， hes so active now and even chatters to me all day long. Itswonderful what cutting a beak can do.”

【模擬導(dǎo)練】

閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開頭語續(xù)寫兩段，使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。

Steve was the most amazing person in all of Minneapolis， and he was my cousin. Bythe age of 19. Steve was a star baseball player at the University of Minnesota. I wanted tobe exactly like him. So when Steve asked me to go with him on a spring fishing trip in nor?thern Minnesota， I was excited！

After planning the trip， we gathered clothes and supplies， and began our great adven?ture. We reached the Superior National Forest in northern Minnesota by early evening. Onour way to the campsite， Steve pointed to a faraway small house in one of the mountains，saying that it was the foresters station where the forester worked.

Finally， after a long walk， we reached the campsite and set up the camp as the sun wassetting. Steve knew all the tricks of an experienced wilderness camper. After we gatheredenough wood from the forest， he started the campfire using only stone and steel—nomatches. For supper， we feasted on freeze?dried beef， wild rice and pea soup. I ate greedilyafter all that work.

Tired enough， we climbed into our sleeping bags early and talked about our plans forfishing the next day. We were still talking quietly when a sudden north wind picked up; thetemperature dropped and it began to snow. Steve found a way to increase the temperatureinside the tent. He dragged a log from the forest to the opposite side of the campfire. Thenhe wrapped aluminum foil around the log. The heat from the fire reflected off the foil andinto the tent. Soon， images of lake fish were filling my dreams.

The snow had stopped， but sometime later a powerful wind must have kicked up theflames of our dying fire. I was abruptly awakened by Steve. Our tent was on fire. Fright?ened， I ran out of the tent immediately. The tent collapsed with Steve inside.

注意：續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右，盡量用到上文提到的動作描寫的技巧。

Paragraph 1：

Without any thought of endangering myself， I rushed into the burning tent and pulled Steve to the icy lake.__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2：

Suddenly， we heard a noise in the forest._________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

【評價導(dǎo)思】

1. 讀原文時，我是否找到了原文的動作描寫亮點？

___________________________________________________________________________________

2. 續(xù)寫這篇文章的時候，我是否運用了動作描寫的一些技巧？

___________________________________________________________________________________

3. 讀完本文，我是否積累了一些可以用于以后續(xù)寫的高級詞句？

___________________________________________________________________________________