Pet Peeves

賀文文

How to talk about （and to） your four-legged friends

鏟屎官如何吐槽自家寵物？

Illustration by Li Si

Ever feel like your pet could use some acupuncture？ How about a weekend away in a doggy hotel and spa？ For Chinas booming pet market， there is seemingly no end to the ways people can choose to show love to their pets—whether its buying products and services to pamper them during their lifetime， or holding expensive funerals and even hiring mediums to “communicate” with them once theyre deceased.

With 68 million people in the country keeping one or more pets as of 2021， according to a report by the China Animal Agriculture Association， pet ownership is no longer just a matter of living with an animal in your home. Its an emotional investment， a lifestyle， and a culture of interaction with non-human family members to love， have fun with， and sometimes complain about.

Like any subculture， pet ownership also comes with its own unique lingo that you might find yourself adopting once you welcome a non-human companion into your life.

Establishing an identity

When large numbers of urban Chinese families began keeping pets in their homes in the reform period of the 1980s， they called these animals 寵物 （chǒngwù， literally “pampered animal”） to distinguish them from livestock and other functional animals.

But youll rarely catch a young person calling their furry companion that today—rather， theyll satirically refer to them as the 主子 （zhǔzi， master） or 毛孩子 （máoháizi， fur baby） who is demanding all their attention and eating them out of house and home：

My masters daily routine consists of nothing but eating and sleeping.

Wǒjiāzhǔzi de rìcháng， chúlechījiùshìshuì.

我家主子的日常，除了吃就是睡。

Along with this reversal of power between pets and humans， a popular term for pet owners today， usually used self-deprecatingly by owners themselves， is 鏟屎官 （chǎnshǐguān， excrement removal officer）， indicating their main role in relation to the “master” of their home. Those with cats specifically may even refer to themselves as 貓奴 （māonú， slave to cats）， perhaps due to cats being perceived as more demanding and emotionally distant toward their human owners， who nevertheless devote themselves to their feline masters care：

Have a cat for one day， be a slave for your whole life.

Yírì yǎng māo， zhōngshēnwéinú.

一日養(yǎng)貓，終身為奴。

Counting the cost

Keeping a pet isnt cheap. The scale of Chinas pet economy （寵物經(jīng)濟(jì)chǒngwùjīngjì） is estimated to reach almost 446 billion yuan in 2023. Even if you stay away from fads like pet acupuncture， the cost of food， registration， medical checkups， and toys adds up， not to mention the money needed to obtain the pet in the first place for those seeking fancy breeds. This could be ruinous to young graduates juggling their first job and first apartment， while taking care of a pet to ease their loneliness：

My fur baby gets sick once， and I might lose a whole months savings， maybe several months.

Máoháizibìngyìhuí， yígèyuèshènzhìjǐgèyuè de jīxùjiùméi le.

毛孩子病一回，一個(gè)月甚至幾個(gè)月的積蓄就沒了。

Taking my cat to the vet costs thousands of yuan…More expensive than going to the hospital myself.

Dàichǒngwùqùyícìyīyuànjiùhuāleshàngqiānyuán， bǐwǒkànbìngháiguì.

帶寵物去一次醫(yī)院就花了上千元，比我看病還貴。

Nevertheless， true “slaves” to their pets will splurge on their fur babies， even if they are very cheap with themselves：

I wear a 30 yuan vest， but spent 6，000 yuan to buy toys for my pet.

Wǒchuānzhesānshí de bèixīn， quègěichǒngwùhuāleliùqiānkuàimǎiwánjù.

我穿著30的背心，卻給寵物花了6000塊買玩具。

Ever since I became a poop removal officer， my online shopping cart is filled with stuff for my cat.

Zìcóngdānglechǎnshǐguān， gòuwùchējīběndōushìmāo de dōngxi.

自從當(dāng)了鏟屎官，購物車基本都是貓的東西。

Always the troublemakers

Pets are not always well-behaved. Whether its when theyve destroyed the sofa， eaten important documents， or regurgitated the remains of the household plants they ate， few poop-pickers have never complained about their pets making trouble （惹禍rěhuò）：

My leather sofa has already been destroyed， and the fabric one I replaced it with is also torn to ribbons.

Wǒjiā de zhēnpíshāfāyǐjīngnáofèi le， huànchéngbùyìshāfā， háishibèináodéyìsīsī de.

我家的真皮沙發(fā)已經(jīng)撓廢了，換成布藝沙發(fā)，還是被撓得一絲絲的。

These furry masters also have their own notions of how their living environment ought to look. Perhaps they like to rearrange your belongings as they see fit， sleep in empty boxes despite the thousands of yuan you spend on beds for them， or play with trash rather than their new toys：

We have two big sofas and a dozen dog beds， yet you insist on lying on the carton of eggs.

Jiāliyǒuliǎdàshāfā， shíjǐgèshūfu de gǒuwō， nǐfēiděitǎngjīdànshàng.

家里有倆大沙發(fā)、十幾個(gè)舒服的狗窩，你非得躺雞蛋上。

In my cats mind， Christmas trees should lie flat on the ground， and walnut shells should be put into my shoes.

Zàiwǒjiāmāomī de rènzhī li， shèngdànshùshìyīnggāipūzàidìshang de， hétaopíshìyīnggāifàngzàixiéli de.

在我家貓咪的認(rèn)知里，圣誕樹是應(yīng)該鋪在地上的，核桃皮是應(yīng)該放在鞋里的。

Talking back

A 2015 survey by Guomin.com， the countrys biggest web portal on pets， found that over 51 percent of pet owners in China are single. While the same study found that nearly 80 percent of these poop-pickers were born after 1980， theres also a rising population of senior citizens keeping companion animals.

Chances are， these “empty-nest seniors （空巢老人kōngcháolǎorén）” and “empty-nest youths （空巢青年kōngcháoqīngnián）” are treating their pets like family members—a 2016 article from Youth.cn （which unfortunately doesnt cite sources） claims that as many as 98 percent of pet owners admit to talking to their pets， which seems plausible， given the typical content of videos one finds from pet owners on platforms such as Douyin：

Kid， why did you come home so late？ Were you chatting up the female cats again？

Guāiguāi， zhèmewǎncáihuílái， yòuqùnǎrdāshànxiǎomǔmāo le ya？

乖乖，這么晚才回來，又去哪兒搭訕小母貓了呀？

Your Majesty， please accept a gift of dried fish from your servant.

Bìxià， núbìxiànshàngxiǎoyúgàn.

陛下，奴婢獻(xiàn)上小魚干。

Others take it a step further， and imagine that the pets actually reply—theres no shortage of online memes featuring a cats disdainful stare. The caption is usually written from the felines perspective with 朕 （zhèn）， the first-person pronoun reserved for emperors， similar to the royal “we”：

There are always riff-raff wishing to do harm to us.

Zǒngyǒudiāomínxiǎnghàizhèn.

總有刁民想害朕。

But we love them

Despite their complaints， owners really do love their pets. A recent survey by Southern Metropolis Daily showed that over half of the 1，060 respondents chose to have pets for companionship， while over 75 percent professed to love animals：

I cant help it！ My fur baby is so cute， and I hate that I cant give him the whole world！

Méibànfǎ a！ Máoháizitàikěài le， hènbunéngbǎquánshìjièdōugěitā！

沒辦法??！毛孩子太可愛了，恨不能把全世界都給它！

Some might argue that its really the pets that unconditionally love their owners—and for retirees whose adult children have moved out， or youngsters beaten down by the grind of work and relationships in the modern age， the emotional support， trust， and enjoyment they get from their pets is priceless：

Thank you for spending half of your life waiting for me—waiting for me to get home， to play with you， to pat your head and tell you youve been good today.

Xièxienǐhuāledàbànshēng de shíjiān， zhǐwèiděngdàiwǒ. Děngwǒhuíjiā， děngwǒpéinǐwán， děngwǒmōmonǐ de tóu， chēngzànjīntiān de nǐhǎobàngbàng.

謝謝你花了大半生的時(shí)間，只為等待我。等我回家、等我陪你玩、等我摸摸你的頭，稱贊今天的你好棒棒。

As long as I take you out for a walk， and give you some snacks， you are satisfied.

Zhǐyàodàinǐsànbù， gěinǐxiǎolíngshí， nǐjiùxīnmǎnyìzú.

只要帶你散步，給你小零食，你就心滿意足。

In fact， sometimes its hard to tell who is raising whom：

It looks like I take care of you， but actually， youre the one keeping me company.

Kànsìshìwǒzhàogùnǐ， qíshíshìnǐzàipéibànwǒ.

看似是我照顧你，其實(shí)是你在陪伴我。