多樣描寫，增強(qiáng)故事張力

浙江 彭文國

【問題導(dǎo)讀】

讀后續(xù)寫主要考查考生續(xù)寫出好故事的能力，而要想續(xù)寫出一個(gè)好的故事，除了要有符合原文風(fēng)格且邏輯合理的情節(jié)構(gòu)思，還要有對(duì)故事的細(xì)節(jié)的描寫。故事的情節(jié)正如文章這棵大樹的主干，而對(duì)細(xì)節(jié)的描寫則是大樹的枝葉。 大樹有枝又有葉，才可能是一棵完整的、美麗的大樹。文章情節(jié)合理、細(xì)節(jié)描寫生動(dòng)傳神，才可能是一篇好的文章。多樣的、精彩的描寫才能造就一個(gè)引人入勝的故事。那么，我們?cè)趺床拍軘⑹龊靡粋€(gè)故事呢？

【名師導(dǎo)學(xué)】

1. 描寫可以分為動(dòng)作描寫、心理描寫和場(chǎng)景描寫等。我們?cè)跀⑹龉适碌倪^程中，要根據(jù)故事的發(fā)展和情景的需要，從心理、動(dòng)作和場(chǎng)景等方面進(jìn)行合理的、生動(dòng)的描寫。

2. 在進(jìn)行細(xì)節(jié)描寫的時(shí)候，要注意多樣性。 我們既要照顧到信息的各個(gè)層面，如動(dòng)作、心理、場(chǎng)景等，又要注意詞匯和句子結(jié)構(gòu)的多樣性。

3. 在描寫的過程中，我們可以用生動(dòng)的詞匯和高級(jí)句式結(jié)構(gòu)，同時(shí)也要適當(dāng)使用修辭手法，如擬人、比喻等。

【案例導(dǎo)引】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

I have a good neighbor, whose name is Nick. He is tall and warm-hearted. About a half-mile behind our Minnesota farm lay a little pond. In summer, my brother Harry and I would run through a stand of oak trees to skip stones there. The little pond wore a collar of black mud. It was not a place for swimming.

In late summer, the pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum (起泡的浮垢). Sometimes a strong, unpleasant smell rose from it. We stayed away.

When winter came, the pond was once again an inviting place. One day when ice covered it, Harry said to me, “Try walking across.”

The ice looked solid. No water showed through it, but I hesitated. “Go ahead,” Harry urged. “Try it. You're lighter than I am. If the ice holds, we can run and slide carefully on it. It'll be fun.” I wanted to please Harry, and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. I began to slide across the pond.

In the middle of the pond, the ice gave way to a sudden crack (裂縫)! I stretched out (伸展) my arms. The next thing I knew was that I was hanging on to the edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. From my shoulders down I hung in icy water. I thought of the bottom of the pond. I knew it would be black and awful down there, full of mud and maybe rotting creatures.

I tried to climb out of the hole, but when I got a knee on the ice, it broke like window glass. Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces.The hole widened. I was wearing a coat of heavy material. As it became completely wet,it dragged me down. I was tired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice.

I looked at Harry on shore. He seemed rooted to the spot.“I can't get out! ” I screamed when I caught some breath. (選材改編自2020年浙江省十校聯(lián)考）注意：

1. 所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；

2. 續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Paragraph 1:

Harry turned and ran away from the pond.

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Paragraph 2:

Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess.

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一、原文寫作特點(diǎn)分析

本文是利用細(xì)節(jié)描寫來展現(xiàn)故事張力的比較典型的文章。 文章的故事結(jié)構(gòu)很簡單。 開篇的場(chǎng)景描寫簡單地描述了“我”家農(nóng)場(chǎng)附近的池塘的基本情況。 文章的主要內(nèi)容是“我”在哥哥的慫恿下嘗試在結(jié)冰的池塘上滑冰，卻不幸掉進(jìn)了冰窟窿。 文章主要對(duì)“我”掉進(jìn)冰窟窿時(shí)的驚恐心理和掙扎著要爬出來的情景和動(dòng)作進(jìn)行了描寫。文章用多種描寫充分展示了“我”掉進(jìn)冰窟窿時(shí)驚恐的心理狀態(tài)、試圖爬出來時(shí)行動(dòng)的艱難，以及冬天的寒冷場(chǎng)景。 所以，本文很好地展示了描寫在故事敘述中的重要作用。 同時(shí)，本文也用了一系列的修辭手法。

1. 場(chǎng)景描寫

a stand of oak trees 一片橡樹林

The pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum. 池塘?xí)痪G色的泡沫狀浮垢覆蓋。

In the middle of the pond, the ice gave way to a sudden crack! 在池塘中央，冰突然裂開了！

2. 動(dòng)作描寫

I stretched out my arms. 我伸出我的胳膊。

I was hanging on to the edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. 我伸開雙臂，緊緊抓住冰面上一個(gè)洞口的邊緣。

I was tired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice. 我掙扎得累了，把雙臂攤開在冰面上休息。

3. 心理描寫

No water showed through it, but I hesitated. 從冰面上看不到水，但是我還是猶豫了。

I wanted to please Harry, and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. 我想取悅哈里，我還想到了在冰面上滑一長段距離的樂趣。

4. 擬人的修辭手法

The pond wore a collar of black mud.池塘邊上有一圈黑泥。 （池塘戴著黑泥領(lǐng)子。 ）

5. 比喻的修辭手法

When I got a knee on the ice, it broke like window glass. 當(dāng)我的膝蓋碰到冰時(shí)，它像窗戶玻璃一樣碎了。

6. 排比的修辭手法

Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces. 我一次又一次地想出去。 冰一次又一次地裂成碎片。

二、續(xù)寫故事設(shè)計(jì)

根據(jù)原文故事結(jié)尾的句子“I looked at Harry on shore.He seemed rooted to the spot.‘I can't get out! ’ I screamed when I caught some breath.”可知，由于事發(fā)突然，哈里非常驚恐，以至于不知所措，呆呆地站在原地。 “我”對(duì)他大聲叫喊求救。

根據(jù)續(xù)寫第一段的段首句“Harry turned and ran away from the pond.”和續(xù)寫第二段的段首句“Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess.”可知，聽到“我”向他求救，哈里反而跑離了池塘，而續(xù)寫第二段是“我”從冰窟窿里逃離了出來。

那么續(xù)寫的第一段中“我”應(yīng)該逃出了冰窟窿。根據(jù)情節(jié)的發(fā)展，續(xù)寫第一段的主要內(nèi)容是“我”逃出冰窟窿的過程。 那么我們應(yīng)該怎么設(shè)計(jì)呢？

情節(jié)假設(shè)哈里真的跑走了，“我”自己努力爬出來。合理性判斷根據(jù)文章原文的描述，“我”已經(jīng)嘗試了很多次都沒有成功，所以這種設(shè)計(jì)不是很合理。哈里跑走了，后來有其他人來幫助“我”逃出。哈里跑離池塘是去想辦法，找?guī)椭＿@個(gè)情節(jié)不符合文章的主旨，因?yàn)檫@樣文章就將哈里描寫成一個(gè)膽小、自私、沒有責(zé)任感的人。 這偏離了文章的主旨。這是最佳的設(shè)計(jì)，符合情節(jié)的描述，也符合積極的主題方向。

根據(jù)續(xù)寫第二段的段首句，本段應(yīng)該主要描述“我”和哈里濕淋淋地回到家之后媽媽的反應(yīng)和處理方式，以及“我”和哈里的反思等信息。

三、續(xù)寫多樣描寫設(shè)計(jì)

第一段中，哈里轉(zhuǎn)身跑走了，那么，此時(shí)描寫的重點(diǎn)：

1. “我”的心理變化（驚恐、害怕、絕望、無助等）

e.g. Staring at his familiar figure out of sight, dismay and scare made my heart sink.看著他那熟悉的身影遠(yuǎn)去，驚愕和恐懼使我的心沉了下去。

e.g. After what seemed to be centuries of fruitless waiting, I was on the edge of collapse. 在似乎幾個(gè)世紀(jì)毫無結(jié)果的等待之后，我已經(jīng)處于崩潰的邊緣。

2. “我”的動(dòng)作（看到哈里離開之后，“我”在驚恐中會(huì)怎么做）

e.g. I was anxious to climb out by myself, but countless previous failures froze me from struggling again. 我渴望自己爬出來，但之前無數(shù)次的失敗使我無法再掙扎。

3. 哈里返回（哈里怎么來的）

e.g. Just at that moment, here dashed Harry and Nick with a long and big oak branch. 就在那一刻，哈里和尼克帶著一根長長的大橡樹樹枝沖了過來。

4. 哈里是如何救我的？ （這里是本段描寫的重點(diǎn)，包括心理、動(dòng)作、語言等）

e.g. Flopping on his stomach, he pushed the branch before him toward me. 他一下子撲倒在地上，把他面前的樹枝推向我。

e.g. I grabbed it immediately and was eventually dragged out of the icy water by Harry. 我立刻抓住它，最終被哈里從冰冷的水中拖了出來。

e.g. What a narrow escape! 真是一次九死一生的逃脫！

續(xù)寫第二段中，媽媽看到“我們”如此狼狽地回到了家很吃驚。 因此，本段主要寫“我”回到家后媽媽是如何照顧“我”的，以及“我”對(duì)此次冒險(xiǎn)的反思。

續(xù)寫第二段應(yīng)該主要描寫媽媽如何給“我”換掉濕漉漉的衣服，讓“我”暖和起來。動(dòng)作的設(shè)計(jì)要緊湊，最好不要設(shè)計(jì)媽媽責(zé)備“我”的內(nèi)容。 我們可以設(shè)計(jì)以下動(dòng)作：

rush over 沖過來

unbutton my coat 解開我外套的紐扣

strip my clothes 脫去我的衣服

give me a quick hot bath 讓我很快洗了熱水澡

quickly wrap a thick blanket over me 很快給我裹了一個(gè)厚厚的毯子

give me a cup of hot milk to warm me up 給了我一杯熱牛奶讓我暖暖身子

這一系列的動(dòng)作描寫充分表達(dá)了母親對(duì)“我”的關(guān)心和愛護(hù)。 這一連串的緊張的動(dòng)作都集中于母愛這個(gè)主題，可以很好地展現(xiàn)文章的張力。

【范文欣賞】

Harry turned and ran away from the pond. Staring at his familiar figure out of sight,dismay and scare made my heart sink. The icy water pierced my skin with a needle-like chill. I was anxious to climb out by myself, but countless previous failures froze me from struggling again. After what seemed to be centuries of fruitless waiting, I was on the edge of collapse. Just at that moment, here dashed Harry and Nick with a long and big oak branch. Flopping on his stomach, Nick pushed the branch before him toward me. The moment a big top branch was within reach, I grabbed it immediately and was eventually dragged out of the icy water by Nick and Harry. What a narrow escape! Supported by Nick, I went home slowly, with water dripping all the way.

Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess. She rushed over from the kitchen, unbuttoned my coat, stripped(脫去) my clothes without delay. Then she gave me a quick hot bath and then quickly wrapped a thick blanket over me to stop my toothchattering chill. Meanwhile, she gave me a cup of hot milk to warm me up. I tearfully told her what had happened and Harry was lectured about getting his brother into such a trouble. Luckily, he called a grown-up—Nick who saved me. His head drooping, Harry murmured an apology to me. I quickly warmed up and came to life again. It was a life lesson for us.

【模擬導(dǎo)練】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

“Missy,” I called to my wife, “did you put the banana skin on my desk?” “No, honey. Meghan probably did.” As I'd feared, she had missed my real purpose of the question,which was to make it clear to her that she hadn't done her job: defend my desk against the invader—our naughty girl. I abandoned the conversation.

I sat here at the desk, and stared at the screen. I waited patiently for ideas to come to me—exam questions for a test I would give my English students. My wife was off to a reunion somewhere, but I was not alone. Meghan, our 22-month-old daughter, kept me company. Yet her plans that day seemed to go against mine.

She followed a daily routine that was both time-consuming and challenging. It included certain basic tasks: watching the fish, sweeping the carpet in her room and climbing up and down her bed.

At first I could concentrate on designing my test paper. But I was soon sidetracked(分心的). I had not counted on the arrival of the “bib-bibs” (“Bib-bibs” were birds).“Bib-bibs, bib-bibs! ” Meghan screamed excitedly, her eyes alive with expectation. She insisted that I go with her to the window.

“In a second. Just let me finish this question,” I said. She pulled me by the hand(two fingers, actually) toward the window. I saw myself as a fool, being led to watch the bib-bibs. And we did watch them. They chattered and leaped back and forth on the lawn just outside our apartment window. Meghan was absorbed, but as I watched them, I still thought about my work.

Suddenly she rushed out of the room, and I heard her naked feet slapping against the wooden floor outside. She returned with her doll, Dumpty. She held him up to the window, stretching him out by his two arms and whispering into his nonexistent ear,“Bib-bibs,Dumpty,bib-bibs! ”Then I left them in conversation and returned to my desk.

注意：

1. 所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；

2. 續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Paragraph 1:

Just a moment later, she came to me again.

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Paragraph 2:

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the little girl sobbing.

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【評(píng)價(jià)導(dǎo)思】

1. 本文用到了哪些表現(xiàn)心理狀態(tài)的好詞、好句？

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2. 本文在動(dòng)作描寫上有什么精彩之處？

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3. 你有更精彩的描寫嗎？

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