天藍(lán)色的彼岸

《天藍(lán)色的彼岸》是英國(guó)著名暢銷(xiāo)小說(shuō)家、編劇亞歷克斯·希勒（Alex Shearer）的著作，是一本溫暖、感人、引人深思的小說(shuō)，講述了一個(gè)與死亡、生命和愛(ài)有關(guān)的故事。小說(shuō)的主人公男孩哈利在騎單車(chē)時(shí)因被一輛卡車(chē)撞倒而喪生，他死后發(fā)現(xiàn)自己來(lái)到了一個(gè)叫“停留之地”（The Other Land）的地方，漸漸地，他發(fā)現(xiàn)所有心有牽掛的鬼魂都徘徊在這個(gè)地方，只有了無(wú)牽掛的鬼魂才能進(jìn)入“天藍(lán)色的彼岸”（The Great Blue Yonder），然后他認(rèn)識(shí)了男孩亞瑟，亞瑟帶著他偷偷溜回人間，哈利有了重新審視過(guò)去，完成心中未了之事，與朋友、家人一一告別的機(jī)會(huì)。

哈利是幸運(yùn)的，在死后不久就解開(kāi)了心結(jié)，而更多的鬼魂卻只能一直在“停留之地”和人間中徘徊尋覓，比如亞瑟，已經(jīng)找了他素未謀面的母親幾百年（幸而最后終于找到）;比如斯丹，一直守在電燈柱旁等他的狗，一等就是五十年;比如尤格，石器時(shí)代的原始人，只會(huì)發(fā)出“Ug”的聲音，沒(méi)“人”知道他在找什么。讀著他們的故事，總不免讓人傷感，但也啟發(fā)我們重新審視自己的生活。生活充滿(mǎn)變數(shù)，你永遠(yuǎn)不知道明天會(huì)發(fā)生什么，珍惜當(dāng)下，把握人生，勿留遺憾。

She was working on some history essay. Her books were open on the vanity unit， and she had an A4 pad there and some pencils at the ready for taking notes.

As I watched she sat back down on her chair， and she took up her history book. But much as she tried to read it， and much as she tried to concentrate， her eyes kept glancing up at those old photographs. There were photographs of me on my own and photographs of the two of us together. There was also a photo of when Eggy was small and when I was only a baby—maybe Id even just been born. And she was holding me， with Dads help， while Mum looked on， rather nervously， as if worried that Eggy might drop me on my head. （And maybe she even wanted to drop me on my head， just a bit.） Then there were later photos of her and me， both of us getting bigger and older. And she was always three years ahead of me， always my big sister， and I was always her pesky little brother， driving her nuts and getting on her nerves.

There were photographs of all of us too， of me and Eggy and Mum and Dad， all standing there together， smiling at the new camera with the automatic timer.

There I was. And there we were. And nothing would ever bring us back or make us whole again. I felt so sad again—but I wouldnt give in to it. I was on a mission， like they say， and I had to see it through. I had to settle the unfinished business. I had to forgive and be forgiven. I couldnt let Eggy go through the rest of her life remembering those last words shed ever said to me， just before I stormed out to get run over by a truck.

“Youll be sorry one day when Im dead！” Id said to her.

“No， I wont be！” shed shouted after me. “Ill be glad！”

And then Id never come back.

“Eggy，” I said. “Eggy， its Harry. Im here， right by you. Right here. But dont be afraid. Its OK， Eggy， Im a ghost now， thats all. But its OK， its nothing to be frightened of. Im not going to haunt you for ever. I just came back to work things out with you， to say Im sorry. Can you hear me， Eggy？ Do you know Im here？” But she looked back down at her history book， reached out and turned a page over， and she didnt know that I was standing right behind her， so close that I could reach out and touch her.

“Im touching your shoulder， Eggy. Can you feel my hand？ Can you？ Its me， Harry. Dont be afraid. Im just touching your shoulder， thats all.”

But she went on reading the history book， and then paused， and took up one of the pencils， and made a few notes about Henry the Eighth and all the wives he once had and why he had them.

“Eggy—its me.”

“Eggy …”

Nothing.

She looked up from her book， daydreaming maybe， like you do in the middle of your homework. Her eyes fell on the photo of her and me at my fourth birthday party. Me getting ready to blow out all the candles. Her getting ready to help me in case I ran out of air.

“Oh， Harry，” she said. “Oh， Harry.”

And she reached out and touched the photo， just like it was flesh and blood and not just paper and chemicals.

I saw the pencil lying on the desk. I remembered the leaf on the tree， Jellys biro， and Arthur with the fruit machine. I could do it. I knew I could. I had to. I focused my thoughts on the pencil， all of them， every part of me. I tried to shine my thoughts upon it as if they were the beam of a torch.

“Please，” I thought， “please， please， please …”

And then I did it. It moved. The pencil moved. I moved it up on to its point， and it balanced there in the air， just as if some ghostly hand was around it， which—in a sense—it was.

“My god！” Eggy gasped， and she pushed her chair back. I wanted to think at her， “Dont worry， Eggy， dont be afraid，” but I had no thoughts to spare. Everything of me was concentrating on that pencil， on holding it upright in the air， and then on making it move towards the paper of the A4 pad.

Eggy remained in her chair， frightened and， yet not frightened; just waiting， waiting to see. She had her hands on the edge of the desk， and was leaning back in her chair， almost as if she was trying to push the desk away.

But she didnt scream， she didnt run， she didnt shout for Mum and Dad， she just sat there， stiffly watching as the pencil began to move towards the paper. And as it did， she said，“Harry？ Harry？ Is it you？”

I moved the pencil to the paper， and I made it write the word， Yes.

She didnt turn. She kept her eyes fixed on the pencil and the writing pad.

“Harry，” she said. “Im so sorry， Harry， Im so sorry for what I said to you. Ive thought about it ever since， every second of every day. Id do anything to undo it， Harry. I wish I could turn the clock back. Im so sorry， Harry， I am.”

And I made the pencil write， I know. Im sorry too， Eggy.

The writing was like my writing had been when I was alive， only it was very faint and spidery. I didnt have the mental strength somehow to put much pressure on the pencil. Just making the pencil write and keeping it in the air was taking all the strength I had， and I didnt know if I could hold it there for much longer. I already felt exhausted， as if there wasnt much of me left.

I thought at the pencil， as hard as I ever could. And， you know， making that pencil move across the paper was the most difficult thing Id done in my entire—well， life.

Forgive me， Eggy， I wrote. Please. For what I said.

For a moment， she didnt say anything， she just sat， staring at the words on the paper， but then she swallowed hard and she said， “Of course I forgive you， Harry. Of course I do. Forgive me too， wont you， Harry. You know I didnt mean it， dont you？ I was angry. I said a stupid thing. Forgive me，Harry. I love you.”

My strength was all but gone. I tried to force the pencil over the paper， to make it write down what I wanted to say. I tried， I really did try， you cant say I didnt try， no one could say that. And I almost did it too， I almost did.

I love you too， Eg—

And then the pencil fell before I could finish her name， and I couldnt write any more.

“Harry？ Are you still there？”

She turned and looked around the room.

“Harry？”

And course I was still there， but all my strength had gone. And there was no more left to be said or to be done. There was no more that I could say to the living. And little use in them saying anything to me. And I felt that it was time for me to go now.

To go， and never to come back.

But I felt at peace at last. Sad and sorry， but at peace. Id made up with Eggy， and that made me feel as if a great weight had been lifted from me. And I remembered something that our headmaster， Mr. Hallent， had said once， during one of his boring assemblies， when hed read this bit out from the Bible about “Never let the sun go down on your wrath”， meaning that you should never go to sleep still angry and enemies with someone， especially someone you loved， because one of you might not wake up in the morning. And then where would you be？ Well， Ill tell you. Youd be stuck with a whole big plateful of unfinished business， just like me.

Only my business was finished now. Id said I was sorry. I could go now， move on， to whatever lay there beyond the Other Lands， to whatever lay at the margins， past the eternal sunset. I could go off into the Great Blue Yonder.

她正在寫(xiě)一篇?dú)v史論文。她的書(shū)在梳妝臺(tái)上打開(kāi)，上面還放著一本A4紙和一些用于做筆記的鉛筆。

我看著她坐到椅子上，拿起歷史書(shū)。盡管她努力想把書(shū)讀進(jìn)去，盡管她努力集中精神，但她的視線還是不由自主地飄到那些老照片上。這是一些我的單人照和我們倆的合照。有一張艾吉還小而我只是個(gè)嬰兒時(shí)的照片——也許我才剛出生。她抱著我，爸爸在幫忙，媽媽在一旁看著，神情緊張，似乎擔(dān)心艾吉會(huì)把我摔到地上。（也許她確實(shí)想這么做，只是有一點(diǎn)兒想。）然后是時(shí)間往后一點(diǎn)的照片，我們都長(zhǎng)高長(zhǎng)大了。她總比我大三歲，永遠(yuǎn)是我的大姐姐，而我永遠(yuǎn)是她煩人的小弟弟，惹她生氣，令她發(fā)狂。

墻上還有一些我們的全家福，有我、有艾吉、有媽媽、有爸爸，我們大家都站在一起，對(duì)著自動(dòng)計(jì)時(shí)的新相機(jī)微笑。

我在，我們都在。但任何東西都無(wú)法把我們帶回過(guò)去，讓我們重新在一起。我再次感到很悲傷——但我不會(huì)被悲傷壓倒。我有要完成的事，像人們所說(shuō)的，我必須堅(jiān)持到底。我必須了結(jié)我的心事。我必須原諒和取得原諒。我不能讓艾吉一輩子都記著她最后對(duì)我說(shuō)的那些話，在我?jiàn)Z門(mén)而出，然后被一輛卡車(chē)撞倒前。

“如果有一天我死了，你會(huì)感到悔疚的！”我當(dāng)時(shí)這么對(duì)她說(shuō)。

“不，我不會(huì)！”她在我身后朝我大喊道?！拔視?huì)很開(kāi)心的！”

然后，我再也沒(méi)有回來(lái)。

“艾吉，”我說(shuō)。“艾吉，我是哈利。我在這兒，在你旁邊。就在這兒。但不要害怕。這沒(méi)什么，艾吉，我現(xiàn)在是個(gè)鬼魂了，就這樣。但這沒(méi)什么，沒(méi)有什么可怕的。我不會(huì)一直纏著你。我只是回來(lái)跟你和解，跟你說(shuō)對(duì)不起。你聽(tīng)得見(jiàn)我說(shuō)話嗎，艾吉？你知不知道我在這里？”但她只是低頭看著歷史書(shū)，伸手翻過(guò)一頁(yè)，她不知道我就站在她身后，近得我伸手就能碰到她。

“我的手就放在你的肩膀上，艾吉。你能感覺(jué)到嗎？是我，哈利。不要害怕。我只是碰下你的肩膀，僅此而已?！?/p>

但她繼續(xù)看歷史書(shū)，然后停頓一下，拿起一支鉛筆，寫(xiě)下一些腳注，關(guān)于亨利八世和他所有妻子以及他娶她們的原因。

“艾吉——是我?！?/p>

“艾吉……”

毫無(wú)反應(yīng)。

她從書(shū)中抬起頭來(lái)，也許在出神，像大家做作業(yè)做到一半時(shí)那樣。她的視線落到我在四歲生日派對(duì)上和她的合照。我在準(zhǔn)備一口氣吹滅所有蠟燭。她在準(zhǔn)備幫我，以防我沒(méi)氣。

“噢，哈利，”她說(shuō)。“噢，哈利?！?/p>

然后她伸手觸碰那張照片，就像那是鮮活的血肉之軀，而非只是紙和化學(xué)品。

我看到躺在桌上的鉛筆。我想起了樹(shù)上的葉子、杰利的圓珠筆，以及亞瑟和那臺(tái)水果機(jī)。我可以做到。我知道我可以。我必須做到。我把全身的意念都集中到鉛筆上，如同手電筒的光線一般。

“拜托，”我想，“拜托，拜托，拜托……”

然后我做到了。它動(dòng)了。那支鉛筆動(dòng)了。我讓它停在空中，筆尖朝下，仿佛有只虛無(wú)的手在握著它，在某種程度上，確實(shí)如此。

“我的天！”艾吉倒抽一口冷氣，靠著椅子往后退。我想跟她說(shuō)，“別擔(dān)心，艾吉，不要害怕，”但我無(wú)力分神。我所有精神都集中在那支鉛筆上，竭力讓它立在空中，然后把它移動(dòng)到A4紙上。

艾吉依然坐在椅子上，害怕又不怕，只是在等待，等待即將發(fā)生的事。她把手放在桌邊，身體靠著椅背往后傾，仿佛要把桌子推開(kāi)。

但她沒(méi)有尖叫，沒(méi)有逃走，也沒(méi)有大叫爸爸媽媽?zhuān)皇亲谀抢?，僵硬地看著鉛筆慢慢地朝A4紙移去?？粗U筆移動(dòng)，她說(shuō)，“哈利？哈利？是你嗎？”

我把鉛筆移到紙上，讓它寫(xiě)下，是。

她沒(méi)有動(dòng)，目不轉(zhuǎn)睛地盯著鉛筆和紙。

“哈利，”她說(shuō)?！皩?duì)不起，哈利。我很抱歉對(duì)你說(shuō)過(guò)那些話。自那以后我就無(wú)時(shí)無(wú)刻不在想著那些話。我愿意做任何事，只要能收回那些話，哈利。我希望時(shí)光可以倒流。對(duì)不起，哈利，真的對(duì)不起?！?/p>

我讓鉛筆寫(xiě)下，我知道，我也很抱歉，艾吉。

紙上的字跡很像我生前的，只是上面的字跡比較模糊、細(xì)長(zhǎng)。我沒(méi)有更多的精神能量可加諸鉛筆上。僅僅是讓鉛筆寫(xiě)字以及讓它立在空中就花光了我的所有精力，我不知道還能堅(jiān)持多久。我感到精疲力盡，仿佛快要消失一般。

我竭力集中全部精神到鉛筆上。你知道的，使那支鉛筆移動(dòng)到白紙上是我——嗯，人生——中所做過(guò)的最難的事。

原諒我，艾吉，我寫(xiě)道。請(qǐng)?jiān)徫以f(shuō)過(guò)的話。

好一會(huì)兒，她一言不語(yǔ)，只是坐著，盯著紙上的字，然后她用力吞咽了一下，說(shuō)道，“我當(dāng)然會(huì)原諒你，哈利。當(dāng)然。請(qǐng)你也原諒我，可以嗎，哈利。你知道那不是我的真心話，不是嗎？我那時(shí)很生氣。我說(shuō)了些愚蠢的話。原諒我，哈利。我愛(ài)你?！?/p>

我的力量在消失。我努力把鉛筆移到紙上，寫(xiě)下我想說(shuō)的話。我盡力了，真的盡力了，你不能說(shuō)我沒(méi)有盡力，沒(méi)有人可以這樣說(shuō)。而我也幾乎做到了，幾乎。

我也愛(ài)你，艾——

我還沒(méi)寫(xiě)完她的名字，鉛筆就掉了下來(lái)，我再也寫(xiě)不動(dòng)了。

“哈利？你還在嗎？”

她轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身子向四周張望。

“哈利？”

當(dāng)然我還在，但我所有的力量都消失了。而且該說(shuō)的都說(shuō)了，該做的也都做了。我已沒(méi)什么話可對(duì)還活著的人說(shuō)。他們的話對(duì)我也無(wú)關(guān)緊要。我感到是時(shí)候離開(kāi)了。

離開(kāi)，然后不再回來(lái)。

但我終于獲得了內(nèi)心的平靜。雖然感到悲傷、遺憾，但我的內(nèi)心很平靜。我和艾吉和解了，這讓我感到仿佛身上的千斤重量被移走了一般。我想起了我們校長(zhǎng)哈倫特先生在一次無(wú)聊的大會(huì)上曾說(shuō)過(guò)的一句話，這是他從《圣經(jīng)》里讀到的，“不要在憤怒中讓太陽(yáng)下山”，意思是不要帶著憤怒和仇視別人的心情上床睡覺(jué)，特別是對(duì)那些你愛(ài)的人。因?yàn)橐苍S你再也無(wú)法在第二天早上醒來(lái)。那么你會(huì)怎樣呢？嗯，讓我告訴你。你會(huì)被許多心愿未了之事困住，就像我一樣。

只是我已了結(jié)心事。我道歉了。我現(xiàn)在可以繼續(xù)走下去，可以前往“停留之地”后面的地方，可以穿過(guò)永不下沉的落日，前往天際線處的那個(gè)地方。我可以進(jìn)入“天藍(lán)色的彼岸”。