渾然天成，有效銜接文本

浙江 彭文國

【問題導(dǎo)讀】

讀后續(xù)寫是新高考改革在考試檢測方面最重要的代表題型之一，目前也被證明是最有效的高考題型之一。它不僅僅是對讀寫能力的綜合考查，更重要的是它有效地考查了考生對故事邏輯發(fā)展的意識和敏感性；考查了考生構(gòu)思主旨一致、語言風(fēng)格一致、故事發(fā)展邏輯順暢的文章的能力。然而，在平時(shí)的實(shí)踐中，學(xué)生很難把握故事的邏輯，主要表現(xiàn)在：

1. 對原文所展現(xiàn)的主旨思想把握不準(zhǔn)，續(xù)寫的內(nèi)容偏離原文主旨。

2. 續(xù)寫時(shí)沒有關(guān)注所給段首句和相關(guān)部分的內(nèi)容銜接，因而續(xù)寫的內(nèi)容和所給段首句連接不夠順暢。

3. 忽視了原文中的重要信息，續(xù)寫的內(nèi)容和原文出現(xiàn)信息誤差甚至矛盾。

【名師導(dǎo)學(xué)】

一篇優(yōu)秀的續(xù)寫，一定要保證和原文邏輯一致，確保續(xù)寫部分和原文渾然天成，故事邏輯合理，發(fā)展流暢。

為確保續(xù)寫部分和原文故事發(fā)展渾然一體，我們要注意以下幾點(diǎn)：

1. 準(zhǔn)確理解原文故事設(shè)計(jì)的主旨思想；

2. 準(zhǔn)確掌握原文故事發(fā)展的脈絡(luò)；

3. 保證關(guān)鍵節(jié)點(diǎn)的邏輯順暢：

（1）續(xù)寫第一段段首句和續(xù)寫第一段內(nèi)容之間的邏輯一致；

（2）續(xù)寫第一段內(nèi)容尤其是結(jié)尾處和續(xù)寫第二段段首句之間的邏輯一致；

（3）續(xù)寫第二段內(nèi)容和續(xù)寫第二段段首句之間的邏輯一致。

【案例導(dǎo)引】

When Jayce Crowder was in kindergarten,he began noticing that he looked different from his classmates. They had two hands. But he had only one.

It started when one boy teased him. Jayce was in a bad mood. He returned home in Des Moines,Iowa,with questions:Why am I different?Why me? Why? “He actually told us that he was mad at looking so different from others,”said his mother, Cortney Lewis. “That really hurt him.” Lewis admitted she didn't know what to do at that point. How could she provide answers to her son's questions when she had never found those answers herself?

A few weeks later, Lewis came home from her job and turned on the TV to a news story about Trashaun Willis, an eighth grader from Washington, Iowa. The boy, then 14, had become an Internet star after posting videos of his slam dunk（扣籃）, and, like Jayce, he missed most of his left arm. Lewis called Jayce in. He was shocked, staring at one slam dunk after another.

At the time, it seemed that watching Trashaun would simply be an inspiring moment for Jayce—he'd seen a shining role model with a seemingly similar born disability. And had it stayed just that, Lewis would have been happy.But little did she know that a family friend had already reached out to The Des Moines Register,asking the newspaper to help set up a meeting with Trashaun to encourage Jayce and build his confidence.

注意：

1. 所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；

2. 續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Paragraph 1:

A few days later, the good news came.____

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

Paragraph 2:

After the meeting, Jayce learned to build his confidence.___________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

【原文特點(diǎn)分析】

一、原文體現(xiàn)的故事發(fā)展構(gòu)架二、文章表達(dá)的主旨

1Jayce was born disabled.2He was teased by his classmate and felt really sad.3He asked his mother why he was different from others.4His mother couldn't answer the question.His mother asked him to watch Trashaun's inspiring videos, who was also a disabled boy.6Jayce began to enjoy watching Trashaun's videos.5 A family friend asked the newspaper to help set up a meeting between Trashaun and Jayce.8續(xù)寫第一段：A few days later, the good news came.9續(xù)寫第二段：After the meeting, Jayce learned to build his confidence.7

對天生殘疾的孩子的理解、關(guān)愛及切實(shí)的幫助。

三、原文故事的重點(diǎn)及細(xì)節(jié)點(diǎn)

But little did she know that a family friend had already reached out to The Des Moines Register, asking the newspaper to help set up a meeting with Trashaun to encourage Jayce and build his confidence.

四、故事的設(shè)計(jì)

續(xù)寫故事在內(nèi)容的構(gòu)思和設(shè)計(jì)上，一定要符合文章的主旨。 而在具體的內(nèi)容上，要特別注意原文故事中的“But little did she know that a family friend had already reached out to The Des Moines Register, asking the newspaper to help set up a meeting with Trashaun to encourage Jayce and build his confidence.”。

五、三個(gè)關(guān)鍵邏輯點(diǎn)

1. 續(xù)寫第一段的段首句和續(xù)寫第一段內(nèi)容的邏輯一致。根據(jù)原文的故事主旨和情節(jié)的發(fā)展，本段要描寫的主要內(nèi)容是一個(gè)家庭朋友和Trashaun聯(lián)系的結(jié)果，而且該結(jié)果一定是一個(gè)好的結(jié)果。 續(xù)寫第一段開始就應(yīng)該描述與“好消息”有關(guān)的內(nèi)容。

2. 根據(jù)續(xù)寫第二段所給的段首句，在續(xù)寫第一段中Trashaun和Jayce應(yīng)該已經(jīng)會(huì)面。 所以，續(xù)寫第一段必須描述成功見面的情景。

3. 根據(jù)續(xù)寫第二段的段首句，續(xù)寫第二段緊接著就要描寫Jayce和Trashaun會(huì)面后，情緒轉(zhuǎn)好，積極面對生活的內(nèi)容。

六、參考續(xù)寫

Paragraph 1:

A few days later, the good news came.Trashaun accepted the invitation to meet Jayce.Finally, the boys met at Washington Middle School on a Saturday afternoon a couple of days later and they instantly bonded. The day was not spent on self-pity. Instead, the two enjoyed their meeting riding bikes around the school campus,taking photos, and playing basketball together.Trashaun taught Jayce how to dunk, which made Jayce rather excited. He even gave Jayce a basketball as a gift. He told Jayce he was perfect the way he looked. He encouraged him not to let anyone drag him down and shake his confidence.

Paragraph 2:

After the meeting, Jayce learned to build his confidence. He began to understand that there are many people like him and came to adapt himself to his disability. He recently started practising shooting baskets every day and he really loves it. Jayce often chats with Trashaun on the Internet about basketball skills as well as some school issues. He is really motivated by this role model and has a positive attitude to his future life. Trashaun was also inspired by the story. He had never dreamed that his videos would have such an impact. His relationship with Jayce made him look forward to helping more kids.

七、續(xù)寫評析

1. 續(xù)寫部分很好地貫徹了原文的主旨思想。范文續(xù)寫故事中，兩個(gè)殘疾孩子見了面，相互激勵(lì)，傳遞了正能量，符合原文的主旨。

2. 在續(xù)寫第一段的段首句之后，緊接著的句子“Trashaun accepted the invitation to meet Jayce.”和該段段首句銜接順暢，故事發(fā)展渾然天成。

3. 續(xù)寫第一段記述了兩人的成功見面，和續(xù)寫第二段段首句的After the meeting順暢連接。

4. 續(xù)寫第二段的段首句 “After the meeting, Jayce learned to build his confidence.”和下一句“He began to understand that there are many people like him and came to adapt himself to his disability.”銜接順暢，語言風(fēng)格一致。

【模擬導(dǎo)練】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

The excitement about Thanksgiving was really building. Grandma arrived with a homemade pecan pie. Dad was searching for his electric carving knife. Mama was in the kitchen humming a song. Little baby Lonnie bounced up and down. Dad smelled the air and sighed. My big brother, Slim, who was anything but slim, sneaked off to his room with a slice of the pecan pie.Even our dog Fido was wagging his tail.

Having set a pretty table, Mama looked up,smiling. “Help me carry in the food,” she said.Slim, who had come out of his room by this time, went racing into the kitchen. “I'll get it!I'll get it! ” The rest of us piled in behind him,everyone grabbing a dish. Then we watched Dad carry in the biggest, brownest, best-smelling turkey we had ever seen with Mama's hand under the plate, just in case. Together they lowered the turkey to its place at the table.

It was the tradition in our family to think of something for which we were most thankful. We all ran to the table yelling something like “I'm thankful for school being out” or “I'm thankful for pecan pie”. All eyes were on that enormous turkey as we took our seats.

Yes, everything was perfect except for one thing. On that special day, it was Dad who sat at the head of the table and carved the turkey. It was an honor that he had eagerly expected for days. Mama always called Dad a clumsy ox. He frequently tripped (絆倒) over his own two feet,and he could drop just about anything.

We automatically eased back when Dad tested the electric carving knife in the air. Dad went to work on the white meat first with surprisingly few problems. Slice after slice landed neatly on the plate with thick gravy (肉汁). Dad leaned forward and grabbed the end of the left turkey leg and cut it off, placing it whole on the plate. His oily fingers shone brightly in the light of the chandelier (枝形吊燈), and Mama waved her napkin. “I'm all right, Mama,” he said. “I'm all right.”

注意：所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右。

Paragraph 1:

But when Dad pulled back the right turkey leg, it slipped from his oily fingers.__________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

Paragraph 2:

Suddenly, Lonnie yelled at us.___________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

參考范文

Paragraph 1:

But when Dad pulled back the right turkey leg, it slipped from his oily fingers. “You clumsy ox! ” Mom yelled, and she quickly grabbed and picked up the leg. Dad looked at the chandelier and felt annoyed. We all laughed, and Fido started barking in circles on the ground. Anyway, our Thanksgiving dinner was here.

Paragraph 2:

Suddenly, Lonnie yelled at us. All of us felt very strange. What did Lonnie want to say? We looked at each other in puzzlement. Lonnie kept calling and looking at us, pointing under the table. We looked under the table and saw Fido munching on a big turkey leg. When he was found, he stared back at us, unrepentant. Mom said, “So Fido wants to have a delicious Thanksgiving, too.” Fido barked at us, as if confirming my mother's words. We all laughed. It was so much fun.

【評價(jià)導(dǎo)思】

1. 續(xù)寫故事符合原文的主旨嗎？

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

2. 續(xù)寫第一段段首句和后續(xù)內(nèi)容的邏輯連接是否合理順暢？

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

3. 續(xù)寫第二段段首句和后續(xù)內(nèi)容的邏輯連接是否合理順暢？

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________