原諒過(guò)去擁抱未來(lái)

It was November 2011， and I was driving home from a very long day at the office. When a call from my exhusband interrupted the blissful silence of my drive， I wondered if I was ready for one of his raging phone calls. We had divorced six years earlier， and unfortunately his anger toward me for the divorce had not softened. We only spoke to each other if absolutely necessary. I hesitantly answered the phone. I hoped my chipper attitude would help set the tone for our exchange.

His words took my breath away. He had stage IV esophageal and stomach cancer.

All I was able to whisper was， “ I am sorry， so sorry.”

Tears stung my eyes as I thought of our children who were seventeen and fifteen， too young to lose a father. My head swam with questions as I pulled into my driveaway. How would the children handle the loss of their father？ Who would take care of him？

My phone rang again; it was my real estate agent. I was numb from my exhusbands news when she excitedly told me there was an offer on my home.

“ Thats great.” I mumbled.

As I hung up the phone， I wondered about the statistical probability that I would receive an offer on my home the same night that my exhusband was diagnosed with terminal cancer？My house had been on the market for three years. Clearly the universe had spoken to me. In that moment， I knew what I needed to do.

I resolved to move the children and myself in with him. I had faith that this would be a turning point for my exhusband， and he would embrace spending quality time with our children. They would have the opportunity to know their father. I worried the caretaker role would fall on my daughter otherwise. If we moved in together， I could assume this role so my children would not be burdened with the responsibility.

Despite my resolve， I was concerned. I had worked so hard to divorce my husband and the process had been scary. How could I live with him again？ Everyone thought my idea was crazy， even our children.

A few months into living together， the stress began to take a toll on me. Each day his actions and behavior brought up old hurts and wounds from the past. The anxietyrelated anger and hostility created irregular heart rhythms. I was reliving our history each day. I knew I must do something to break the cycle. I had to find forgiveness.

Over the next few weeks， I searched for answers on the Internet and in bookstores， but nothing resonated with me. I was desperate to block the pain of the past. I wanted to stop replaying the old movies from years ago that were triggering my emotions. While I could not control his actions， I could control my emotions. I could choose to feel like a victim or embrace happiness and separate myself from his behavior.

We are a product of our lifetime of experiences， and his shaped his choices. He grew up angry， defensive and afraid. Every bad choice he made was driven by his fear. The minute I stopped judging my exhusbands actions， I broke the line between his behaviors and my emotions. I created space in my heart where I planted the seeds of empathy and compassion， and forgiveness began to grow.

My days became happier and calmer. Peace filled the house as forgiveness took root.

It is easy to say the words， “I forgive，” but they have no impact if your actions are not aligned with your thoughts. So I began to place the intention of forgiveness into every daily chore and interaction. Cooking has always been the way I demonstrated love for my family and friends. As the end approached， I hosted many lunches and dinners for friends and family in our home so they could say their goodbyes.

The pay off came one bright sunny morning just a few weeks before he passed. We were preparing for the last set of guests to arrive. Only family would be allowed to visit after this day. He thanked me for entertaining the multitude of friends over the last week. As he left the room， he turned and said he loved me and without thinking I responded， “I love you too.”

I was stunned as the reality of my words sunk in. It was an honest moment， and I did love him. Not as my husband，but as the father of our children. I love him for just being a human being， a child of God. Forgiveness had given me the ability to stop judging him and accept him for who he was. I was finally at peace with our past. It was time to let go of our history， so we could both move on.

Just three weeks later， he passed peacefully at home early one morning in his bedroom with our family dog by his side.

2011年11月，在辦公室呆了一整天后，我正在開(kāi)車(chē)回家。車(chē)內(nèi)原本愉悅的靜默被我前夫的一通電話所打破，我猶豫著要不要接他那充滿火藥味的電話。我們?cè)诹昵熬碗x婚了，不幸的是，他由于離婚而對(duì)我產(chǎn)生的怒火依然沒(méi)有平息。只有在極其必要的情況下，我們才會(huì)和彼此說(shuō)話。我慢吞吞地接起了電話。我希望我那輕快的語(yǔ)氣能讓我們的對(duì)話心平氣和些。

他說(shuō)的話讓我大吃一驚。他得了晚期食道癌和胃癌。

我只能低聲說(shuō)道，“我很抱歉，很抱歉?！?/p>

淚水刺痛了我的眼睛，我想到了我們那兩個(gè)十七歲和十五歲的孩子，他們都太小了，不能失去父親。當(dāng)我繼續(xù)開(kāi)車(chē)時(shí)，我的腦海里擠滿了各種問(wèn)題。孩子們要如何面對(duì)失去父親的痛苦？誰(shuí)來(lái)照顧他？

我的手機(jī)再次響起，是我的房產(chǎn)經(jīng)紀(jì)人打來(lái)的。當(dāng)她興奮地告訴我有人要買(mǎi)我的房子時(shí)，我還沒(méi)從我前夫的消息中回過(guò)神來(lái)。

“那很好。”我喃喃低語(yǔ)。

掛上電話之際，我在想，前夫被診斷出末期癌癥的同一天晚上有人出價(jià)購(gòu)買(mǎi)我的房子，這幾率有多大？我的房子已經(jīng)放入市場(chǎng)三年了。顯然，事實(shí)已經(jīng)告訴了我答案。那一刻，我知道該怎么做了。

我決定和孩子們搬到他那里。我相信這會(huì)是我前夫的轉(zhuǎn)機(jī)，他會(huì)和孩子們共度一段美好時(shí)光。他們能有機(jī)會(huì)了解父親。另外，我擔(dān)心照顧人的活兒會(huì)落到我女兒頭上。如果我和他們住到一起，我就能接手這份活兒，我的孩子們也就不用肩負(fù)這份責(zé)任。

盡管我已經(jīng)下定決心，但我還是很擔(dān)心。我費(fèi)了很大功夫才和我丈夫離了婚，那個(gè)過(guò)程非常恐怖。我怎么能再次和他住在一起呢？所有人都覺(jué)得我的想法很瘋狂，包括我們的孩子。

住在一起幾個(gè)月后，壓力大得讓我覺(jué)得難以負(fù)荷。每一天，他的一舉一動(dòng)都是在揭開(kāi)過(guò)去的傷疤。躁怒與敵意讓我心率不齊。我每天都在重溫著我們過(guò)去的歷史。我知道自己必須做點(diǎn)什么來(lái)打破這種僵局。我必須學(xué)會(huì)原諒。

接下來(lái)的幾個(gè)星期，我在網(wǎng)上和書(shū)店搜尋答案，但沒(méi)有任何東西能引起我的共鳴。我極度渴望遏制過(guò)去的痛苦。我不愿再想起多年前那些讓我憤怒的畫(huà)面。雖然我不能控制他的行為，但我能控制自己的情感。我可以選擇讓自己做一個(gè)受害者，也可以選擇去擁抱幸福，讓自己不受他行為的影響。

我們的人生經(jīng)歷鑄造了我們，而他的人生經(jīng)歷影響了他的選擇。他在一個(gè)憤怒、戰(zhàn)戰(zhàn)兢兢、恐懼的環(huán)境中長(zhǎng)大。他所作出的每一個(gè)糟糕的選擇都是出于他的恐懼。從我不再評(píng)判前夫行為的那一刻起，我的情感不再受制于他的舉動(dòng)。我在心田開(kāi)墾出一塊地方，種下同情與憐憫的種子，原諒開(kāi)始發(fā)芽成長(zhǎng)。

我的日子過(guò)得更加開(kāi)心與平靜。當(dāng)原諒的種子生根發(fā)芽后，房子里充滿了平和的氛圍。

說(shuō)出“我原諒”這幾個(gè)字很容易，但如果你的行動(dòng)和想法不一致，它們就沒(méi)有任何意義。所以我開(kāi)始將原諒的意圖落實(shí)到日常家務(wù)與互動(dòng)中。烹飪一直是我向家人與朋友表達(dá)愛(ài)意的一種方式。當(dāng)最后的日子臨近，我在家里為親朋好友多次準(zhǔn)備午餐和晚餐，讓他們可以好好道別。

在他離去前幾周的一個(gè)陽(yáng)光明媚的早晨，這一切得到了回報(bào)。我們正在為最后一批客人的到來(lái)做準(zhǔn)備。這天過(guò)后，就只有家人才可以過(guò)來(lái)探望。他感謝我在過(guò)去一周招待了這么多朋友。當(dāng)他離開(kāi)房間時(shí)，他轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身來(lái)對(duì)我說(shuō)他愛(ài)我，沒(méi)有經(jīng)過(guò)任何思考，我回答他，“我也愛(ài)你?！?/p>

當(dāng)我的話脫口而出時(shí)，我驚呆了。那一刻我是真心的，我真的愛(ài)他，不是作為我的丈夫，而是作為我孩子的父親。我愛(ài)他，因?yàn)樗且粋€(gè)普通人，是上帝的孩子。原諒給予了我力量，讓我不再評(píng)判他，而是接受他。我最終放下了我們的過(guò)去。是時(shí)候放下一切的恩恩怨怨了，這樣我們才能往下走。

三周后的一個(gè)早上，他在家里的臥室內(nèi)安詳?shù)仉x去，我們家的狗陪伴在他身邊。